DH expects me to become the cleaner in the work holidays- does yours?

[Millie3030]

So have a few weeks off work now and enjoying time with DS, playing, reading going to farms, swimming, arts and crafts days, out and about and bonding with my little guy.

I work longi(ish) days and it's a real treat to just be off, wear jeans, not be dressed and out the door by 7am. Our house is quite tidy, most people say it is really tidy, it's not, we have a play area where DS can go mad with toys, the kitchen is pretty tidy and clean, and lounge is tidy and hoovered twice a week. now I know I'm off work but when this happens do you then become the main cleaner?

My DH has always kind of hinted/suggested that the house should be sorted while he is at work. I'm running around after a toddler and now feel I have to make the house spotless for his return. This week the dishwasher has been unloaded, beds made, dinner cooked and cleaned away while he puts DS to bed, washing done, house hoovered, is that enough or do you do more? He will say "but you are off, you should be doing more than me".

Basically am I lazy cow? Or should I say "I'm off work chill out!"

frankly your dh sounds a total knob

how about you and your ds go away somewhere for a proper holiday and your 'd'h gets over himself

If you are doing all the housework then you get to set all the standards for it.

The only acceptable comment from him is "thank you" unless the state of the house is a worthy of an environmental health visit.

I'd be telling him that in very fucking strong terms if he dared to critiscise.

My work. My rules. I am the boss of it. Not you. You want it different. You do it. Cheeky fucker.

I'd also make a point of being a slattern for a few days to reinforce the message that he is not the boss of me.

Maternity leave, or whatever, is about what you do in the hours you would normally be at work. Outside of those hours, there's no reason you should be obliged to do more housework or childcare than your partner. You're as tired as he is after YOUR day of work, and YOU didn't get paid for it - in fact you lost earning power for being out of the workforce for a period of time.

I love the MN idea of getting this sort of person to do your job for just 24 hours (and lose a day's pay for it) and then tell you how easy and relaxing it is.

I certainly do not come home to a spotless house with dinner on the table. I wish.

he has never looked after DS

This is your problem.

He has ridiculous expectations. Book a weekend away and tell him you expect to return to a spotless house.

Seriously???

My god this is 2015!!

Leave him & the kid for a few days...

Then come home & berate him!

I think he is being a knob about this and he does it every time I'm off work, every, bloody, time. He can be messy and untidy but just expects to dictate what I do in my time off work.

I just can't get anywhere with him when we discuss it, he says black I say white, and we just go round and round in circles. It so bloomin frustrating.

have you ever tried telling him he is a controlling prick? if not, i admire your patience

do you get more holiday than him? is he jealous?

Reminds me of the joke about the man who comes home from work to find his kids unwashed, in their pyjamas and yelling, dirty dishes everywhere, beds unmade, laundry basked overflowing, floors and carpets grimy, no dinner anywhere. He demands to know what happened. His wife replies, "You know how you always ask what I do all day? Well, today I didn't do it."

Maybe you need to go on strike. That's what other underpaid and underappreciated workers do when negotiations are ignored.

He's never looked after dc by himself? ? Why on earth not?

If he does all of the housework on his days off, and he has an equal number of days off to you, then his expectation is not entirely unreasonable. However, even if he does, if you don't like this arrangement and would rather share the housework 50/50 at all times, that's fine too.

He sounds like a twat OP. My DH would like the house to be a bit tidier but would never tell me to spend naptime stripping beds and cleaning bathrooms.

Tell him the 50s called and want their attitude back.

I have a rule in my our house - whoever moan about something not being done, gets to do it.

This is not about housework, it is about him resenting you having extra time off work relative to him.

If this is a regular occurrence, I sort of understand him being jealous, but he needs to get over himself.

sanfairyanne yes I have recently learnt that phrase from lovely supportive mumsnetters that he is controlling (he fits the bill is so many many ways) and have called him up on this - he denies it and says he is not. I do get more holidays than him and I even raised at today that I think he could be jealous and it's not my fault.

shebashimmyshake that joke is spot on! I am thinking about strike for the next few days actually.

The thing about him never having DS on his own is the holidays, as he has less than me, so when he does have his 5 weeks holiday throughout the year I have holiday too, so we are always together. He has had him from 9-5 type thing but never all day and all night.

If I do not do any housework for the next few days what do I actually achieve? I feel like I'm just being petty. And I'm not a lover of mess so it will be me at home suffering the mess.

"OK, then. Let's swap - you take time off work minding DS and set the standards you want to keep in the future, and we can discuss how it went afterwards."

Why is he never off on his own with DS? I would refuse to entertain him before he's tried it himself, because it sounds like he has no idea what it's like.

This isn't about housework. This is about him believing that he is hard done by. That you've got it easy. He thinks he has the right to dictate what you do in the day.

Or he has a anxiety issues and certain things in the home act as trigger points. Is this a possibility?

You really need to leave him to it for a day or 3 with the toddler. And no big preparations before you go. No freezing food you've batch cooked. No writing lists. He needs to know how to parent solo.

Just flatly refuse. He's not the boss of you or the household, he doesn't get to issue orders. If he wants the bathroom cleaned he can do it himself. You're an adult and you decide what's appropriate to spend your time on. Say all that and then tell him you're not going to discuss it over and over to say the same thing. And if he starts telling you what you should be able to do while with your DS, tell him that when he's spent a day looking after your DS and doing housework too you'll consider what he has to say, but not till then.

If he thinks that looking after a small child is such a doddle that keeping the house showhome perfect is possible then tell him he is welcome to do it. Tell him to take some time off work. Dump your child on him, go out shopping or with friends and tell him that you expect a perfect and spotless house to come back to, plus dinner on the table and everything.

See how far he gets.

I just can't get anywhere with him when we discuss it, he says black I say white, and we just go round and round in circles. It so bloomin frustrating.

Discussion? Eh? This isn't a topic for discussion. This is a topic for you telling him firmly that he is not permitted to comment on housework not done by him. Nothing he says matters, you just tell him once then pointedly ignore any future comments, preferably with a raised eyebrow or eye-roll. This is not a discussion thing. He doesn't have to agree that he is controlling or out of order. He is behaving in a manner unacceptable to you. You refuse to rise to the bait or submit to his lordship's demands.

We both work. I've recently gone part time. I've been noticing him doing less and less. Any maternity leaves I've had, he's gone bone idle!!! Literally not even lifting his own dinner plate!!! I blow a gasket every now and then, which changes it for a bit, but it always goes back. I'm home before him daily, and get very pissed off when he comes home with that look in his eye that house is untidy, and dinners not ready!!! Ffs, I'm home at 3.30, and have 4 kids to help with homework!!!! And breathe.

I'd make arrangements for your 5 week holiday to start about 3 days later than DH's! Either that or go away for the weekend (Fri night - Sun night) and leave DS with DH.

He's either controlling or bone-jealous. Is he this way about other things? Finances? You going out with friends? Or is does this just happen when you're off work and he's not?

I'd be arranging to spend some of my time off away with family/friends so that DH has to spend time alone managing DC and house, including overnight, and I'd be leaving him a few extra tasks like, "BTW the beds need doing while I'm away."

On a more serious note, he really does need to spend time with the DC alone in order to develop a full relationship with them. As long as you are the default parent and the only one your DC spend time with one-to-one, DH will always be a secondary parent and that's sad for him and DC.

Yep. You need to go away for a weekend!

one way to deal with mess in the house is not to be there and take yourself and kids out. Easier said then done when the weather sucks.
But seriously does your H think that it's enough to earn money and have a house to support a marriage? Did he marry a human being or a domestic robot sex receptacle?

What does he contribute to the marriage other than sulking and passive aggression?