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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH expects me to become the cleaner in the work holidays- does yours?

122 replies

Millie3030 · 29/07/2015 17:01

So have a few weeks off work now and enjoying time with DS, playing, reading going to farms, swimming, arts and crafts days, out and about and bonding with my little guy.

I work longi(ish) days and it's a real treat to just be off, wear jeans, not be dressed and out the door by 7am. Our house is quite tidy, most people say it is really tidy, it's not, we have a play area where DS can go mad with toys, the kitchen is pretty tidy and clean, and lounge is tidy and hoovered twice a week. now I know I'm off work but when this happens do you then become the main cleaner?

My DH has always kind of hinted/suggested that the house should be sorted while he is at work. I'm running around after a toddler and now feel I have to make the house spotless for his return. This week the dishwasher has been unloaded, beds made, dinner cooked and cleaned away while he puts DS to bed, washing done, house hoovered, is that enough or do you do more? He will say "but you are off, you should be doing more than me".

Basically am I lazy cow? Or should I say "I'm off work chill out!"

OP posts:

Joysmum · 30/07/2015 09:34

I think your case highlights the difference between a healthy relationship and an unhealthy one. My DH isn't controlling and my time off sees me doing his chores too so that he too gets more leisure and family time.

I wouldn't be doing that for your twonk of a husband though

TheVeryThing · 30/07/2015 09:51

I agree with Joysmum. This relationship does not sound healthy at all.

If I am off when DH is not I try to have fun with the kids and maybe get a few extra jobs done as well, although our standards are not very high.

Recently, I had a couple of days off while dcs were in childcare and did some painting/diy jobs.

Dh was telling me to be sure I took some time for myself too, and not spend the whole time working.

There are so many things in life that are more important than housework (a thankless task when you have small dcs).

Having a reasonably clean and tidy home is important, but it seems like your husband resents the idea of you having more time off than him, has no idea what's possible with a toddler in tow, and is more concerned with keeping some sort of score than seeing his wife and small child happy and having fun.

I'm not sure what to advise but I really could not be married to someone like this.

Balancing work and young children can be hard enough when you are on the same team and want the best for one another but it's impossible with an attitude like your husband's.

Original poster

Millie3030 · 30/07/2015 09:54

I would love to go away for a few days, but he would say "I can't look after DS I have to work and just give him to his mum to look after." He would then say I'm being dramatic and pathetic and turn it all round on me.

The big thing I missed in the original post is I started to potty train DS this week, so Monday I was on full day accident clear up and wee wee watch, but still managed to make the beds, unload dishwasher, and have dinner ready for when he got in.

By Wednesday he is having a moan because upstairs hasnt been hoovered, (I did downstairs and the stairs on Monday) and that the shower hasn't been cleaned, I have only been off 3 days and I have spent most of that time cleaning up wee and washing pants! Grrrr it's making me mad and your comments are making me see that he is being unreasonable.

He was out for most of last night and I was in bed by the time he came back, and he as at work today so tonight will be our first proper conversation, but he still seems to think he is right from his tone this morning.

OP posts:

Seriouslyffs · 30/07/2015 11:09

Oh for Goodness sake! Of course the house is less perfect than normal if you're potty training! Don't go away in the working week, he'll use that as an excuse to send DS to his mums. Invent a needy relative if needs be and go on a Saturday, stay away the night and come back Sunday. Then if ever he mentions housework again you've got a benchmark.

Queenbean · 30/07/2015 11:09

I agree with other posters OP - this isn't healthy or right, he sounds like he's very much taking advantage of you

Original poster

Millie3030 · 30/07/2015 11:52

I think that too, it isn't my first post about our marriage, I think I'm starting to see that it isn't particularly healthy, he will be expecting us to talk tonight. I have been potty training still today and that isn't easy enough in itself, found myself crying a lot as I think that I'm an idiot, for putting up with it. But he will turn it all round tonight and I end up tongue tied.

OP posts:

anastaisia · 30/07/2015 12:16

So you need a template in your head of what you want to say. Something you can hold to if he tries to shift things on to you or how much he does for the family.

It sounds like you don't actually object to doing a bit more of the housework and parenting because you are the one physically there. But you object to him setting himself up as the 'boss' of you and judging whether you've done enough each day when he isn't even there to see what you've been doing.

What do you want to say to him, and what outcome do you want? I'm sure posters can help you refine your script a little bit so it's easier to be clear and assertive when it comes to talking about it?

Original poster

Millie3030 · 30/07/2015 13:01

I suppose I want to say something like this

"I was 2 and a half days into my time off work whilst also single handedly potty training our son, you arrived home Monday to the beds made, house tidy and dinner ready and I barely get a thank you. Then whilst you put DS to bed I cleaned up the dinner stuff and hoovered downstairs. Then as you are rubbish at putting DS to bed I then went up to finish that off too whilst you sat on your arse watching telly because there are always bloody tears at bedtime whenever you do it!!! (I probably won't say the last bit just wanted to vent that)

"If after 3 weeks the shower hasnt been cleaned or the bed stripped feel free to raise it as an issue, but on the 3rd day whilst potty training our son give me a bloody break, you are not my master, you cannot order me about as your cleaner, you can ask but don't tell."

I want to say that, but I already know what he will say back. And he will say something like, "when you tell me not to leave my shoes in the hallway because you trip over them, you are trying to control me too, so I will leave my shoes where I want!"

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 30/07/2015 13:12

I'm one of those unfortunates who cry when they are angry or upset and just can't get their words out. Plus my DH is a very good 'arguer' and can usually talk circles around me. There have been times where I've written an unemotional 'position paper' outlining my feelings and given it to DH and said "Read this". Even if I cry during the discussion afterwards, at least I know I've gotten my feelings out!

Orrla · 30/07/2015 13:40

^"I was 2 and a half days into my time off work whilst also single handedly potty training our son, you arrived home Monday to the beds made, house tidy and dinner ready and I barely get a thank you. Then whilst you put DS to bed I cleaned up the dinner stuff and hoovered downstairs. Then as you are rubbish at putting DS to bed I then went up to finish that off too whilst you sat on your arse watching telly because there are always bloody tears at bedtime whenever you do it!!! (I probably won't say the last bit just wanted to vent that)

Yep. Tell him this. Text him or email him, and especially put in the bit where the ONE thing he has to do in the evening, he cant even do right so you have to do that too.

He is a twat.

Jengnr · 30/07/2015 15:44

Tell him to pull his fucking weight and go away for the weekend leaving him with the kids.

morethanpotatoprints · 30/07/2015 15:48

I'm a sahm but if dh is about he does his share of everything.
I'd hate to be responsible for the whole lot.

Your dh doesn't sound very nice OP, sorry.
He doesn't parent, nor do his share, and expects you to be a maid instead of raising your child.
I couldn't be with such an arrogant pig, how do you cope?

expatinscotland · 30/07/2015 15:50

I would tell this person to go fuck himself. Yes, I really would.

GeekLove · 30/07/2015 15:52

I think you should consider taking your kids and going somewhere nice (or anywhere that's not home) for a week but don't tell him where or for how long. It is clear he does not think what he is doing is wrong. Either that will give him a wake up call or it will be time for you to think what to do next.

TheVeryThing · 30/07/2015 15:55

The thing is, you can have as many discussions as you like, but negotiating arrangements for housework and childcare etc only works when both parties fundamentally love and respect each other, and are prepared to listen & compromise.

If one person thinks they are superior or have some sort of divine right to lord it over the other, than no amount of discussion can solve the problem.

rosie1959 · 30/07/2015 16:10

I agree with Theverything you may not be able to change him but you can change your reaction
Next time he comments just say that's nice dear and carry on with what you are doing do not interact or argue
You can only be controlled by someone else if you let them
Ever watched Mrs Brown's boys my hubby knows what I mean when I say "that's nice"
her words for F off

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 30/07/2015 16:11

I'm not going to say anything original, but the potty training bit is a major trump card.

By initiating a talk this evening he is wasting his own precious free time if he decides it's only a monologue with you looking suitably chastened and promising 5 star tip top accommodation. You could try and get in quick, say to be fair you each get three minutes at one time to talk and set a timer. If he immediately rubbishes that, he obviously has no intention of a fair discussion.

Make the point, potty training is not something Junior magically applies himself to. It's not how you ideally spend time off but you're getting going so DH isn't faced with Day 1 on his valuable weekend off.

ilovelamp82 · 30/07/2015 16:42

If you feel like you're not going to get a word in I would just say the following. "I disagree, I know how hard I'vet worked today despite the fact this is technically my holiday"

Don't get drawn into any more conversation. He is not your boss. You do not need to justify yourself to him.

It sounds like he's not the greatest of blokes but it also sounds like you're just becoming aware of that so will no doubt assess your situation from a bit of a clearer perspective from now on.

LivingTheDr3am · 30/07/2015 17:24

I'm a teacher and am constantly told about the fab holiday I'm having with 2 small children with the general expectation being that I wI'll pick up tidy up after everyone with no time off! Whilst I am having a lush time on the whole I have asked why we ever paid for the childcare we had and didn't advertise it as a staycation

Twinklestein · 30/07/2015 17:33

You have to tell him he's being massive great knob and that if he doesn't stop being a knob he's going to lose his marriage.

He's got to stop with the control, he's got to stop with the jealousy of your time off and the setting of tasks to assuage his own resentment.

If leaving him with ds will just prompt him to hand him over to his mother, then you must go away for a weekend, so he will have no excuse.

Simone de Beauvoir wrote the following in the 60s:

'Men will not easily surrender their freedom from housework and family responsibility and all other burdens that typify women's lot today.'

'Women... should refuse to allow themselves to be considered as property to be controlled or dominated'.

That was 50 years ago. Why are you battling with this shit now?

It seems that when you're working FT he can't say anything, but as soon as you're off he wants you at the housework?

You've got to take a strong stand and not take any more nonsense.

As you both work I think you should have a cleaner anyway.

Jan45 · 30/07/2015 17:45

He basically has no respect for you or sees you as an equal, you will never win, he will always criticise, personally I'd not be having that kind of life with anyone.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 30/07/2015 17:52

I have asked why we ever paid for the childcare we had and didn't advertise it as a staycation

Well put.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/07/2015 17:54

As far as the shoes in the hallway, there's a HUGE difference between a tripping hazard and telling someone 'they aren't doing enough'. But that's not the issue, is it?

Don't let him redirect, sidetrack, or 'kitchen sink' you. The issue is that YOU will decide what gets done during YOUR time off, not him. And that if he isn't happy with YOUR decision, he's perfectly free to do the work to his own satisfaction. It's not 'control' per se (unless he's controlling in other issues), it's 'if you don't like what I'm doing, do it yourself', plain and simple.

IthoughtATMwasacashpoint · 30/07/2015 18:25

Perhaps you could tell him that since, in his opinion, you carry out your "duties" in such an unsatisfactory manner, he needs to start paying out for a cleaner.

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable · 30/07/2015 18:34

Why bother having a discussion if he's just going to twist it round on you?

Really, why?

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