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Is this equal in our marriage? Need people I don't know to give their advice.

(56 Posts)
Millie3030 Sat 18-Jul-15 10:05:46

Hi I was hoping to gain some opinions from you about this issue I have with my DH.

I'm quite creative and like to paint, make things and have made a few things for my house, my DH isn't artistic and prefers to buy things for the house from a shop. He is also quite particular and likes things a certain way so when I have in the past created 2 paintings for the lounge he made it quite clear he didn't like them, suggested we replace them with paintings from a shop and in heated discussion about decorating said "I have to put up with these pieces of shit on the wall" now these paintings were A3 quite simple and modern and had a flower design on them nothing crazy or offensive. We then replaced them with similar paintings in colour and design from a shop, as much as it hurt me to do so.

Now this also happened when I wanted to decorate our DS's nursery, I had an idea of some things I wanted to do, bunting, lampshade, frame with different colours and photographs in it (again nothing crazy) and he was quite against it and wanted to just buy a set of room stuff from mamas and papas. I have explained that I have a creative job and that I would like to do some things creative in my home, again another argument with him saying "I will be embarrassed to show my friends of family my sons nursery"

He says afterwards that he says things in the heat of the moment, but the paintings were not to his taste and he actually liked the nursery in the end. We do have one painting that he doesn't mind in the study, a little cast of my DS hand and a little painting on the landing that I feel he has 'allowed' rather than 'liked'.

Now the thing that bothers me is when he takes on DIY such as boxing in a radiator or build things in the garage, does something in the garden he wants me to notice, praise him, reward his efforts and basically make a fuss (he denies this but he is itching to show me and wants my feedback and will mention it again several times the following week) I have said I think he is great at DIY, electrics etc who needs a carpenter when we have him that sort of thing.

We had a bit of a row last night when looking at one of his latest projects where I said if this was the other way around you would grunt at me and barely look at what I did or call it a piece of shit. He then again said I didn't like those paintings I'm allowed to have an opinion, you are self centred to just create something for a lounge we share without consulting with me first. But what he has just built he specifically wouldn't show me beforehand as he wanted to do it his way.

So not talking today.... Please I need your honest opinions. Am I in the wrong? What do I do now?

truthaboutlove Sat 18-Jul-15 10:13:00

Fair enough if he doesn't like something (although from what you've said it sounds like he is just being awkward) but to call your work 'pieces of shit' is plain nasty.

There is a lot of compromise to be done when you are sharing a home with someone (I was married to man from Next) and I think in your case he doesn't need to make a fuss over a couple of paintings.

SurlyCue Sat 18-Jul-15 10:14:32

Hes a nasty bastard! I'm particular about my house and what goes on the walls but i would never be so rude and hurtful as to say what he did! There is a way to compromise without being hurtful!

BugPlaster Sat 18-Jul-15 10:14:34

It's about being fair, not necessarily equal. He behaves in a hurtful way but expects respect back. Can you both try to laugh at how it has been and set some boundaries in future?

truthaboutlove Sat 18-Jul-15 10:14:37

If he can treat you like this over some art work, what else is he doing? Don't like the sound of it sorry. I bet he wouldn't talk to his mates like that.

DoreenLethal Sat 18-Jul-15 10:18:21

What do to now? Until he realises that it is completely unfair to call your creations pieces of shit, but to sulk when you point this out and call it 'is opinion' then you can't do alot really.

Perhaps throw the bought painting in the bin and put your own up.

I have my own hand printed photographs in my house, and some of my own artworks. If my OH ever called them pieces of shit I'd probably not live here any longer and go find a space that I can call my own.

pocketsaviour Sat 18-Jul-15 10:20:57

I honestly think it's impossible for anyone to say whether it was fair without seeing an example of your work, and his work.

However, the way he expresses his opinion about your work sounds deliberately hurtful. It would be interesting to see his reaction if you were to speak equally scathingly about his latest project. "Oh dear, it's a bit amateurish, isn't it, DH? I think we'd better get one done by a professional, instead. I'd be embarrassed to show this to friends or family."

SewingAndCakes Sat 18-Jul-15 10:24:52

I think you need to find a compromise and accept that while you both have different tastes, you both live in the house. What about a mixture of your work, and shop bought pictures?

The way he has dismissed your work is horrible though. I have quilts on our walls that I've made, and decorated the room based on them. DH is tolerant of them, but he prefers oil paintings in dark wood frames from charity shops, which I'm not keen on, but we have a mixture, mostly.

midlifehope Sat 18-Jul-15 10:27:19

He is being v unreasonable and stamping on your creativity! I value creativity very highly and would not allow this!!!

SurlyCue Sat 18-Jul-15 10:30:37

There seems to be this expectation or acceptance from some people that the person they choose to share the most valuable and intimate part of their lives with will settle into a routine of treating them less well as time goes on. I have never understood that. The person who you choose to share your life with is the person you should respect most in life. If they arent, then you arent living the right person. It doesnt make sense that someone you love being with so much, that you choose to live with them would be someone you respect less than your mates who you have the odd drink with, or a business colleague. Logic would dictate that if you respect and like your mates more than your wife then you should be living with your mates. No?

Anyway, what I'm saying OP is that somewhere along the way your DH seems to have become confused about why he is with you, he seems to have confused you with a hole in the wall into which he can spew his nasty thoughts and feelings. Somewhere along the way you have become confused too and have accepted this role. In your shoes i'd be putting a swift and aprupt end to it. I wouldnt tolerate being spoken to by anyone like that, and least of all from the person i had allowed into my life in such a huge way. You need to re adjust the standards of behaviour you accept from people and advise him of those standards. He can then choose to meet them or go live with someone he respects more.

firesidechat Sat 18-Jul-15 10:40:19

Ideally it's nice if you both like everything you put in your home and have similar tastes and hence no arguments, but life is rarely like that.

It's fair enough that he didn't like what you produced, but he was incredibly rude and hurtful to say what he did. It sounds like he is one of those people who doesn't value handmade things and only sees commercially produced stuff as being the real deal.

Both my husband and I are creative in different ways. I can't paint or draw to save my life, but I am quite creative with fabric and yarn. My husband is a very talented amateur artist and he has painted portraits of our children which I love and a couple of landscapes which are good, but I don't love as much. They are all on our walls along with art we have bought together. My handmade cushions, lampshades and curtains also have their place. We wouldn't dream of saying anything nasty about what the other has done.

I would however have to see your pictures to give a definitive answer. grin

ImperialBlether Sat 18-Jul-15 10:44:08

I absolutely agree with CurlySue.

The man you live with should respect you - this man clearly doesn't.

Yes, there's a problem because for all we know, your work could be terrible, but the way he's dealing with the situation is really awful. I think he is so insecure in his own judgement that unless something was approved by a shop, he can't be sure it's okay.

You are praising him and he believes it - he doesn't see it as love and respect, he sees it as fact. In his head, now, he's great at DIY because you say so, and you're crap at your creative pieces because he says so.

I wonder why you choose to live with someone who is so negative about something that's so close to your heart. What was your experience with your parents - did they treat you well? Did they respect what you did? Did they show you they love you?

Anniegetyourgun Sat 18-Jul-15 10:45:31

I'm left wondering a little whether he took against the pictures because they were painted by you, rather than because they were so awful he couldn't bear to have them in his lounge hmm

Massive double standards here. Massive.

Anniegetyourgun Sat 18-Jul-15 10:48:24

... which some strange people might be under the impression is also your lounge.

cailindana Sat 18-Jul-15 10:48:57

I can't paint for toffee but I know if I did paint something (and it'd be awful) my DH would give it pride of place and fuss over it and show everybody and go on and on in an embarrassing way about how great it was. And he would think it was great because I did it and he loves me. He has no objectivity at all on my talents, and I have none on his, I also think everything he does is fantastic.

What will happen when you have kids and they try to give your DH paintings to put up at work? My DH's office is plastered with scribbles and paint splodges and he adores them because they're from his children. What would your DH say? "I'm not hanging that up DD, it's shit."

His attitude shows a real meanness of spirit and I'd struggle to like someone like that, never mind love them.

Baddz Sat 18-Jul-15 10:49:44

He is nasty.

SurlyCue Sat 18-Jul-15 10:50:22

I'm left wondering a little whether he took against the pictures because they were painted by you, rather than because they were so awful he couldn't bear to have them in his lounge

Yep. I wondered this too. Like a default mode. Automatic reaction is to criticise because it is something she did. There is a reason for this.

Damnautocorrect Sat 18-Jul-15 10:53:50

Is he going to be so critical of your childs work in the future?

I'm all for hand painted stuff, he's being rude. He needs to learn to compromise, as someone else said its your home too.
Saying he'd be embarrassed is a bloody awful thing to say

Anniegetyourgun Sat 18-Jul-15 10:55:55

So, following on from the title, what do the people you do know say about it, OP?

deste Sat 18-Jul-15 10:57:08

My DH got some artwork framed but the frames were the wrong colour and a bit old fashioned but I didn't say a thing. I just tolerate them and now I have managed to get rid of one, just one to go.

SurlyCue Sat 18-Jul-15 11:04:39

OP does he pick holes in the food when you cook for him too? "Not enough garlic" "would have preferred beef tbh but i'll eat it"

Roussette Sat 18-Jul-15 11:09:26

Agree with &SurlyCue* and Annie. I bet you, if you painted something and said "look at what I found at that gallery on the High street, it was a snip at £120", he would like it. But if you said you painted it, he wouldn't.

Personally, I would bin the bought pictures for the lounge. Then I would put the ones i had painted back up. And I would tell him to sod off and that you don't want any bought shit hung up in your house and you only want what you have created.

tumbletumble Sat 18-Jul-15 11:16:50

I think that, in his head, he sees his contributions as "useful" and "important" and "saving us money" whereas yours are just dismissed as your little hobby. He needs to realise though that we all contribute to a partnership and making a home together in different ways.

I agree with ImperialBlether He's great at DIY because you say so and you're crap at your creative pieces because he says so.

You need to talk to him about this. Could you show him this thread?

Athenaviolet Sat 18-Jul-15 11:23:04

He's being abusive, you realise that, don't you?

Controlling you, criticising you, curbing your creativity and interests, mocking you, hitting your self esteem, these are all things abusers do to weaken their victims into a state of submission.

By making you think you are the problem he is almost gaslighting you.

He has no respect for you.

He doesn't like you.

Every day you spend with him will erode your ability to be you.

He isn't going to change.

I don't see another option other than leaving.

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