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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

This has been done to death, but

112 replies

AllChangeLife · 28/07/2015 11:22

I'm at a complete loss.

I've been married to my husband for 6 years now - and for the last year or so our relationship has been getting quite a bit worse. He has always been lazy, but this is getting ridiculous.

He works long hours (out the house 8-7.30) - but seems to think that this means he gets to do nothing around the house/for us/for our family.

He mows the lawn once a fortnight, and takes the bins out occasionally (30-40% of the time) and might occasionally load the dishwasher (once a week/fortnight) Maybe 40% of the time he puts our son to bed. For this he thinks he deserves a medal. He irons his shirts and thinks this is joint housework.

He does no cooking, cleaning, washing, organising of family things like birthdays/days out. He doesn't help around the house putting things away, and will happily leave clean clothes that I've washed and hung up on the floor for our cat to walk all over.

I am a SAHM - which I have given up my job for. (job also not over financially worth it once nursery taken into account etc). What it has turned into is giving up the job to be the family skivvy.

He has little to no respect for me - last night for example I asked him to sit down to talk about our summer - which is getting busier by the minute. We need to make sure we get a break as a family, and can manage all the things that are happening. He sat down and started talking then looked on the internet for something - which turned into him ignoring me and looking at a totally unrelated website. when confronted he said "but what is there to talk about". So because he didn't deem it worthy enough conversation he blanks me.

Most evenings are sat in front of the TV, despite him knowing I hate it, and begging him to turn it off sometimes. He watches crap saying he needs down time.

Despite doing nothing around the house, if he walks into the kitchen and finds crumbs by the bread bin for example, he will regularly have a go at me (more like taking the piss - but harshly) because "how can someone leave crumbs there - can't you just wipe them up" or "tidy up as you go along". He doesn't seem to realise that I can't do everything.

I've been bringing this up for a year. He says he will get better and never does. We go through a cycle of me putting up with it and then getting cross again.

So as not to drip feed - he was depressed for a little bit last year over a specific thing - not to do with us. He wouldn't get help. That thing is not really an issue anymore, and i don't think it is that affecting his behaviour, but i've said he needs to get help if he is feeling depressed - he says he isn't.

What do I do?

OP posts:

Enoughalreadyyou · 28/07/2015 11:57

TBH it sounds pretty normal to me. If I worked such long hours I would expect my partner to take over most of the chores. Is his job stressful ? Sometimes I can't face doing much after work either.

You could expect him to do more at the weekend. Allocate specific jobs then you know where you are.

firesidechat · 28/07/2015 12:01

When I was a sahm I did 99% of the housework and still had more leisure time than my husband. I didn't love doing it because, let's face it, housework is mind numbingly boring, but it was a fair division of labour.

What do expect him to do that he doesn't?

firesidechat · 28/07/2015 12:05

He has little to no respect for me - last night for example I asked him to sit down to talk about our summer - which is getting busier by the minute.

Was last night a work night? To be honest I would leave discussions like that for the weekend. Working such long hours is exhausting and it's probably the last thing he wanted to do. I'm not saying your shouldn't talk, but maybe pick a better time.

Zillie77 · 28/07/2015 12:10

He works very long hours-are you finding that you are unable to get the housework done during that stretch of the day? What is left by the time he gets home?

My SAHM friends get tons done during the day-one even painted her entire house. They see it as a fair exchange, what with their partners out at work all day.

firesidechat · 28/07/2015 12:12

He should be doing more tidying though. It isn't on to expect you to clear up after him. As for criticising your standards of cleaning, that is totally unacceptable.

onereminder · 28/07/2015 12:14

I have to agree with the others, it seems fair that if he's out of the house for 12 hours a day then most of the weekday chores fall to you to do.

Things can be 50/50 at the weekend, but during the week the current setup sounds fair.

horsewalksintoabar · 28/07/2015 12:18

I'm in the same boat only mine does less. Bins 30% of the time and his own ironing! You've got a prince! Seriously though it's a bummer and guys just don't change. You need to, sadly. I lead a more separate life now. I hardly spend time with my DH. If he watches carp TV, I do my own thing. I do things alone with the kids. I involve him in very little because he's proven throughout our exhausting discussions that we're not really 'here'. I am here. He is there. But he's not interested in us. I get quite down about this. I deal with it ok. But the solution is a flawed one. Maybe work part-time for your own sake and get a cleaner, get help.

Lweji · 28/07/2015 12:18

Although I agree that you should be expected to cover for most of the work at home, it's not on to ignore you.
If he is not up to it, then he should have asked you to leave the conversation for when he is more mind available. Unless you pestered him to have that conversation then.

And it's not on to expect the house to be perfect either. It can never be.

Original poster

AllChangeLife · 28/07/2015 12:18

But when we have both been working hard all day - me cleaning etc and running around after DC, and him and work - and he is sat watching TV and I'm doing dinner and tidying up afterwards, is that fair?

OP posts:

horsewalksintoabar · 28/07/2015 12:20

I get the feeling your dilemma is less about what he 'does around the house's and more about his attitude towards you and your role.

horsewalksintoabar · 28/07/2015 12:20

Typos! Sorry!

Original poster

AllChangeLife · 28/07/2015 12:23

Yes this is true. I feel like a skivvy. If he did small things like didn't leave pants in the bathroom in the morning, and moved his plate into the kitchen/put it into the empty dishwasher i'd be happier. Along with respecting me for what I do.

Also - these long hours are fine, but we barely speak on a weekday - he just watches TV. I don't see how tiring a 10 minute chat about diaries is, once he has had dinner cooked for him whilst he is sitting on his arse.

OP posts:

goddessofsmallthings · 28/07/2015 12:23

It's not about the chores, is it? It's about the fact that he appears to have little or no respect for you and you're not connecting as a couple.

Do have social events that you'll be attending with him planned during the summer? Do you organise babysitters so that you can have regular Saturday evenings out?

Is there anything stopping you booking a family break before the diary becomes too crowded?

Poutintrout · 28/07/2015 12:25

I don't think that as a SAHM you should be expected to be the skivvy 24/7. Do you get any down time at the weekend/evenings? I also think that your husband should be respecting the mind numbingly boring work that you do in the house by making an effort to keep things tidy and to maintain what you have done. As for the utter disrespect of putting freshly laundered clothes on the floor I am speechless. No wonder you are fed up of his attitude.

As for not talking to you about anything he deems unimportant and tuning out when you are mid conversation that is so rude regardless of whether he has had a long day at work.

I don't have any answers and will watch with interest what other posters might advise I just wanted to say that I didn't feel that as a SAHM you should be just sucking it up because he goes out to work.

Original poster

AllChangeLife · 28/07/2015 12:25

Social events - we are jam packed this summer - but that leaves little time for family time/couple time.

We haven't booked a holiday and it has got jam packed, because when I tried to talk about it he said he wanted to go but then turned on the tv and wouldn't really talk any more.

I feel like his mum

OP posts:

Marcipex · 28/07/2015 12:25

I don't get why anyone would put clean laundry on the floor.

But the hours he works don't leave a lot of time to cook and clean.

Original poster

AllChangeLife · 28/07/2015 12:28

Downtime.

Well - we take it in turns to have lie ins... sort of. He will roll over and pretend to be asleep so i have to get up - and when I say it is my turn to have a lie in, I have to wake him to up to take the little one downstairs - by which time I'm awake.

So no - he will rarely take DC out to give me a break. "It's easier for you to keep him while I go to the shop".

OP posts:

GoodtoBetter · 28/07/2015 12:31

Just because he works out of the house doesn't mean she's his skivvy running round picking up his pants for fucks sake! Listen to yourselves! What is his job, I bet it's office work. Even a physical job, I would expect at the very bare minimum an adult to pick their own things, tidy up after themselves and not actively make a mess! Is he a teenage boy?
And why can't he wipe up the crumbs himself? It would take 10 seconds, why turn it into a way to have a go and you?
He is being a lazy bastard.

Miggsie · 28/07/2015 12:31

Why does he work such long hours?
This can't be healthy for him and is clearly affecting your marriage.

Does he see work as worthwhile and home life annoying and peripheral?

Does he actually want a family or just someone who cleans his stuff and feeds him?

From your subsequent posts I would guess he works long hours to avoid his homelife.
My brother did this, he didn't like small kids so worked a lot - he didn't need to, he chose to.

goddessofsmallthings · 28/07/2015 12:34

Spending long hours at work, often after a long commute, is considerably more tiring than being your own boss at home with only the dc to answer to care for.

Do you dine together when he gets home? If not, perhaps you should endeavour to make this a nightly tv-free event and use the time to discuss diary planning and engage in idle chit-chat about your respective days.

GoodtoBetter · 28/07/2015 12:41

She's already asked him not to just slump in front of the TV. I feel like this thread in something from the 50s!

Original poster

AllChangeLife · 28/07/2015 12:55

Me too good to better.

I always though as a sahm I'm not at home to be a housekeeper/cleaner I'm there to be with my dc. So i do housework but dont spend all day on it. Then when we are both at home it is even. Maybe aibu.

OP posts:

firesidechat · 28/07/2015 12:59

Really GoodtoBetter? I thought the golden rule of mumsnet was equal leisure time. What do you think the division of labour should be?

Even with small children and housework I had considerably more time to myself than my husband had. I suppose you could say that he does office work too, but it is mentally draining with a long commute either side.

Having said that the husband in this case does have a slightly bad attitude to having a sahw. Even with a demanding job there is no need to slump in front of the tv all weekend. If nothing else it makes for a very boring homelife.

Original poster

AllChangeLife · 28/07/2015 13:04

And yes it is office work.

And he could leave earlier in the am/get home earlier at night. He chooses how long he works to a certain extent (the work has to get done)

OP posts:

Jan45 · 28/07/2015 13:11

I don't get the long hours, how are they long, I work those type of hours, it's normal, even for an office job. I think also it's his attitude towards you that is not nice.

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