This has been done to death, but

[AllChangeLife]

I'm at a complete loss.

I've been married to my husband for 6 years now - and for the last year or so our relationship has been getting quite a bit worse. He has always been lazy, but this is getting ridiculous.

He works long hours (out the house 8-7.30) - but seems to think that this means he gets to do nothing around the house/for us/for our family.

He mows the lawn once a fortnight, and takes the bins out occasionally (30-40% of the time) and might occasionally load the dishwasher (once a week/fortnight) Maybe 40% of the time he puts our son to bed. For this he thinks he deserves a medal. He irons his shirts and thinks this is joint housework.

He does no cooking, cleaning, washing, organising of family things like birthdays/days out. He doesn't help around the house putting things away, and will happily leave clean clothes that I've washed and hung up on the floor for our cat to walk all over.

I am a SAHM - which I have given up my job for. (job also not over financially worth it once nursery taken into account etc). What it has turned into is giving up the job to be the family skivvy.

He has little to no respect for me - last night for example I asked him to sit down to talk about our summer - which is getting busier by the minute. We need to make sure we get a break as a family, and can manage all the things that are happening. He sat down and started talking then looked on the internet for something - which turned into him ignoring me and looking at a totally unrelated website. when confronted he said "but what is there to talk about". So because he didn't deem it worthy enough conversation he blanks me.

Most evenings are sat in front of the TV, despite him knowing I hate it, and begging him to turn it off sometimes. He watches crap saying he needs down time.

Despite doing nothing around the house, if he walks into the kitchen and finds crumbs by the bread bin for example, he will regularly have a go at me (more like taking the piss - but harshly) because "how can someone leave crumbs there - can't you just wipe them up" or "tidy up as you go along". He doesn't seem to realise that I can't do everything.

I've been bringing this up for a year. He says he will get better and never does. We go through a cycle of me putting up with it and then getting cross again.

So as not to drip feed - he was depressed for a little bit last year over a specific thing - not to do with us. He wouldn't get help. That thing is not really an issue anymore, and i don't think it is that affecting his behaviour, but i've said he needs to get help if he is feeling depressed - he says he isn't.

What do I do?

Fuck me it's like attack of the Stepford Wives here.

Winnie it's got nothing to do with the op being female and her partner male. I would say the same if the sexes were reversed and am frequently amazed about the stay at home dads who don't pull their weight and no I'm not saying that the op doesn't pull her weight because she obviously does.

Being a couple is about being a team and sometimes it's easier to divide up the jobs that need doing around the house. My husband has never hung wallpaper, I have never mowed the lawn, neither of us are treating the other badly.

Well that's a cheap shot Slaggy. Best you could think of?

My point of view is of someone who worked and had a SAHH, but didn't work 12 hours.

how is suggesting that one partner works all day outside the home and the other partners works all day inside the home 'attack of the stepford wives?'

I can't think of anything more fair.

I think it's more a case of not pandering to someone who thinks they are hard done to because they have to do the majority of the housework, when they are at home all day!

as previous posters have said I think the bigger issue is the ignoring/lack of respect he has

how is suggesting that one partner works all day outside the home and the other partners works all day inside the home 'attack of the stepford wives?'

It's one of the inevitable unimaginative comments that gets trotted out on every single thread like this. It's designed to cut boring domesticated women down to size. Yawn.

This is why i went back to work part time and pay for a cleaner

My mum was a sahm and ran a big house with four kids on her own and found time for doing all the refurbishment etc too.
However she was all in favour of me returning to work as she admitted she found it deathly dull at times and hated just picking up after everyone

If I worked full time and my other half stayed at home I would be pissed off to be expected to do half the housework in my evenings!

I think you're right OP, you should go back to work. I mean that in the most supportive way possible. Seems that you're defaulting to the maid role by dint of your work being in the home. Go back to work, claim your life back. Clock off at the end of the day. At least by working outside of the home, regardless of how profitable it may not presently be, your work/non-working time would be clearly delineated.
Don't continue to do all the housework though! you don't sound like you would.

I work part time, OH works full time

I do all the housework during the week and I have no problem with that. But, I do expect him to do 50% of housework at the weekends

I think yabu op in expecting him to do 50% of housework in the evenings once he gets home from long hours and you've been at home all day
Actually I think that's bloody unfair!

And yes...I would be saying the same thing if you were a man

Actually I'm currently at home as well. My DH does long hours at work so I'm happy enough to take care of the domestic front, but I'd go ballistic if he had a whinge about crumbs. I'd feel like I was being treated like a servant so I can completely see why the OP isn't happy.
So yes it is a bit Stepford for a bunch of women to then pile in and berate her.

But I don't think she's complaining about him not doing the housework as much as not being a fucking lazy pig, dropping clean clothes on the floor for instance. she admits he had always been lazy. he seems to think that having a sahw means servant. and most importantly he lacks respect, using some crumbs he could have cleaned up in ten seconds to have a dig at her. refusing to spend time together even when she's asked and watching tv instead. using computer while they are supposedly talking about holiday plans. he sounds like a lazy entitled cock.

Why should OP put her children in expensive child care in order to go back to work because her husband is a prick?

I bet he'd still expect her to work, pick kids up, cook his dinner, wipe up crumbs and book holidays. It wouldn't be 50/50 it would carry on being women's work.

I think you're right Winnie.

The ones who treat their sahw as slaves is not going to pick up the slack if that wife decides to work outside the home.

This is a depressing thread.

The OP's H feels free to criticise her, ignore her, and generally denigrate her (unpaid) work.

This is not really about what is a fair division of labour, it is about the fact that her H does not respect her role as a SAHM or accept ANY responsibility for their domestic life.

Although it is also about the fact that the OP is on call 24/7 and her H is not. OP how much time do you get per week when you are not looking after the children or doing chores? Not much I'm guessing.

I agree simonetta. The ones saying that they are reasonably happy with this set up (me included) almost certainly have partners who appreciate their work, are supportive and don't criticise them.

I'd book myself a holiday for me and the kids 'if there's nothing to talk about'.
I have booked days out when mines being a dick with his head In the iPad ignoring me. He's soon regretted it.
Mine does at least 7-8 6 days a week, I do all the housework, all the cooking, all the cleaning up & all the childcare. Our one day a week as a family I still do everything. But he appreciates it & recognises the house won't be perfect some days any day , but me being at home means he doesn't have to think about anything but work, no sick days for kids, no running back to pick them up. It works because it's a team, he supports me and my 'work' supports him.

For you its his attitude that's the problem, how you change it, I don't know. He needs to recognise the work you do.

Some of you have got it.

My dc is in the stage where I can't leave them for too long without shouts for me/wanting support. I don't get a lot of time to rest, there is no napping in the day.

I don't want him to do 50 percent of everything everyday. But to have an equal relationship/input into the house when he isn't at work. I understand he is knackered in the week and most household tasks are done. But if I've cooked (while he is resting) it's not exactly asking a miracle for the pan and plates to make their way to the dishwasher or clothes from the bed to a cupboard rather than the floor. It's not like I'm asking him to run the hoover round every night and put loads of washing on. At weekends however, i don't see why chores (because some do happen at weekends, and can't be magically done in advance) shouldnt be split.

I guess I thought I'd feel more like an equal. I know chores and housework fall to me as I am the one at home, but when someone is making work for you, rather than helping, it gets a bit depressing.

And whoever said it was right, I doubt this would change I'd I went back to work.

Allchange I think you are right in asking for some basic respect. This to me equals not making life harder for the SAHP (so no dropping dirty clothes on floor, cleaning up if you mess up the toilet with bleach/cleaner, hoovering if you make a mess). It also equals taking turns on weekends to do stuff like dishwashing and washing which can't all be done in the week by the SAHP. I also think sharing bedtimes, which you do, is about parenting and not housework.

That's an absolute minimum and it would be the lack of respect and comments that would get me down, I would raise it and say how it makes you feel (like shit).

HP that's part of my issue. I've done that over the course of the year. He does acknowledge that he doesn't do enough, and hasnt come across as respectful. He apologises, but nothing ever changes.

I just had to scroll to the top of the page to check I was in the Relationship topic and not AIBU! OP this doesn't sound fair at all! What's he like in other areas? Do you get to go out with friends, gym, hobbies?

What a depressing thread. Op isnt asking for him to do everything, hes hardly down the fecking mines. Just take his plate out the kitchen, pick up his pants and listen to her occasionally.

I'm on the fence really.

This is one of those where I'd like to hear the DH's side.

The DH works very long hours and has the sole pressure of providing financial support. The OP appears to be a SAHM to one child. I'm sorry but I think she has a fairly easy, stress free life. How much mess does one child make? I would imagine a fair chunk of the day is spent on leisure activities.

People like to wade in with LTBs and doom and gloom. Do you think the OP would have an easier life if she took your advice and became a single parent (ie going on benefits or working FT and still looking after a child)

How many hours of nursery does your child go to per week? I think fair is the same amount of free time. However it is up to both of you to manage your work. You can expect a small child to have a couple of hours of nap/quiet time per day. I think a SAHp does sign up for the whole package (with help of cleaner if affordable). I don t think you can say yes to childcare but no to housework.

Having said that, slobbishness is son rude. It takes no time to tidy up after oneself.