This has been done to death, but

[AllChangeLife]

I'm at a complete loss.

I've been married to my husband for 6 years now - and for the last year or so our relationship has been getting quite a bit worse. He has always been lazy, but this is getting ridiculous.

He works long hours (out the house 8-7.30) - but seems to think that this means he gets to do nothing around the house/for us/for our family.

He mows the lawn once a fortnight, and takes the bins out occasionally (30-40% of the time) and might occasionally load the dishwasher (once a week/fortnight) Maybe 40% of the time he puts our son to bed. For this he thinks he deserves a medal. He irons his shirts and thinks this is joint housework.

He does no cooking, cleaning, washing, organising of family things like birthdays/days out. He doesn't help around the house putting things away, and will happily leave clean clothes that I've washed and hung up on the floor for our cat to walk all over.

I am a SAHM - which I have given up my job for. (job also not over financially worth it once nursery taken into account etc). What it has turned into is giving up the job to be the family skivvy.

He has little to no respect for me - last night for example I asked him to sit down to talk about our summer - which is getting busier by the minute. We need to make sure we get a break as a family, and can manage all the things that are happening. He sat down and started talking then looked on the internet for something - which turned into him ignoring me and looking at a totally unrelated website. when confronted he said "but what is there to talk about". So because he didn't deem it worthy enough conversation he blanks me.

Most evenings are sat in front of the TV, despite him knowing I hate it, and begging him to turn it off sometimes. He watches crap saying he needs down time.

Despite doing nothing around the house, if he walks into the kitchen and finds crumbs by the bread bin for example, he will regularly have a go at me (more like taking the piss - but harshly) because "how can someone leave crumbs there - can't you just wipe them up" or "tidy up as you go along". He doesn't seem to realise that I can't do everything.

I've been bringing this up for a year. He says he will get better and never does. We go through a cycle of me putting up with it and then getting cross again.

So as not to drip feed - he was depressed for a little bit last year over a specific thing - not to do with us. He wouldn't get help. That thing is not really an issue anymore, and i don't think it is that affecting his behaviour, but i've said he needs to get help if he is feeling depressed - he says he isn't.

What do I do?

Well this thread is an eye opener!
Me & DP are in serious crisis talks about our relationship ATM and most of it boils down to the same reasons here - me feeling like his maid. But apparently as a stay at home MUM (take note of the mum, not cleaner) then it's my job to pick his dirty socks up off the floor and wipe his hairs out of the sink after a shave?!
How depressing!

Nobody said that Blue. I don't pick up husband's socks and he had a very good attitude when I was a sahm, although in our day it was housewife, so yes I did do the housework.

It I had taken the attitude that housework was 50/50 when I was at home it would have meant doing chores in the evening and at weekends while I sat on my bum all day just to make a point. Housework doesn't take that long to do and we had loads of free time together to do nice things. If that's a throwback to the 50's then so be it.

I couldn't agree more with the previous posters! He works almost 12 hours a day (including travel) which isn't actually considered really long hours, everywhere I have always worked you end up at those sort of hours, maybe an hour less.

If you're at home all day then of course you should do all the housework! What the hell can you not get done in 12 hours a day? If I was at home 12 hours a day I'd be able to get everything done within 1 - 2 hours a day and then have 10 hours to myself/to play with children. You think you should just be able to play with the kids and then expect your husband who works 12 hours a day to do 50% of the work that is needed at home?! Blimey!

I agree you shouldn't be picking up clothes/crumbs after him like he is a teenager but I absolutely agree that you should do 90% of the housework.

I think the real problem is his attitude towards you when trying to discuss with, that I do sympathise with as it is not acceptable

well said firesidechat

I'm a woman myself but posts like this make me despair

I didn't say housework is 50.50 when I'm at home but when he is home. At the moment he is having rest time whilst I'm cooking and cleaning up after and tidying toys up etc.

I'm researching holidays/presents for his family or whatever and he is watching TV.

Is that fair then? Because I don't work in an office?

The trouble is it depends on so many things.

I'm currently sitting on my bottom - on mn, knitting, watching rubbish tv while my husband is in London working on a project which is making him tear his hair out. Tonight I will be cooking and doing most of the clearing up while he has a shower and relaxes as much as possible. He won't be home till nearly 9 if he's lucky.

Do you get a chance to relax during the day at all?

Does he do anything in the evening? Lay the table, take the dishes out?

It's very hard to judge others division of labour without knowing them.

It's about having equal leisure time.

As a SAHM I had more leisure time than my DH so I do everything to run the home and family. Weekend meals can be ready made when I've cooked double before and frozen them and housework doesn't take that much time.

I'd certainly to ram the holiday so full we had very little family time, family time is our priority in this house.

Having said that, my DH respects my input and would never belittle if ignore me. I appreciate his contribution, he appreciated mine.

But, similarly, at this precise moment in time, you are having rest time (presumably, given that you are on MN) whilst he is working?

Would he get chance to chill and go on MN during the day?

Yes you shouldn't be a skivvy but you should do most of the 'housework,' absolutely

I agree that, as a SAHM, you should be doing the bulk of the housework. But what's glaringly obvious to me is that you don't seem to enjoy each other's company. There's no mention of kissing and cuddling for instance.

I have never been a SAHM, but did work fewer hours than my ex (due to his long commute and, as it turns out, mistress) - so I did the majority of the housework as I was in the house for more time to do it. I drew the line at things such as redecorating, as that could not fit into 'normal' time.

I am never quite sure what some women want - it is like the equivalent of your husband asking you to nip into the office and sort his emails as he's tired - you stay at home to do the home stuff and he goes to the job to do the job stuff.

But my home stuff is 24/7. His job stuff isn't.

Meh. Looks like I need to go back to work.

He's an adult, a father. It's not too much to ask that he AT LEAST clears up after himself and participates in decision making. There's also no reason apart from selfishness and laziness that he can't share lie ins at the weekend. He is supposed to be an equal partner, not treat his wife like his mum.

Your home stuff is 24/7? You don't sleep? You never stop while you are awake? I think you both have shitty attitudes.

I assume she means that at any point she would have to deal with the child waking...which he doesn't.

How many children do you have, how old are they?
What do you do all day?

What would make you happier? Is there anything that you can just take? Do you have equal access to money, could you have just booked a holiday or some days out (or both)? What if you had said "here's the plan. I'm booking it tomorrow / after the weekend when you've had a chance to think about it" and then "Right, are you still ok with x? I'm buying the tickets"

Would a part time job help you feel better and can you just organise that? (depends on the dcs obviously)

I don't know your husband, but while it is likely he is under-respecting your work I think it might be that you are under-respecting his. I have a situation a little like yours in that I work longer hours, in a more demanding job (by his admission) than my partner, and yet he is furiously resentful at times that he has been "forced" to do things that I wasn't physically present to do, and thinks he should sit down and relax while I do other housework to make up for it, when I have just come in from working all day. I "choose" my hours but I can't work less or get home earlier and in fact I could work easily 3 hours more a day and a weekend day, and still have more work to do. I don't feel that my dp understands that I am not having a laugh while I am out of the house, but I do understand that neither is he while he is picking up tired children and making them tea and dealing with the emotionally overwrought end of the day.

I don't know what you do all day, but that doesn't matter. Does he?

You can't make him respect you. But you can give him information.

You may also have more freedom that you think in terms of getting the things that you want. Not respect no, that is his choice. But the holiday plans - unless you aren't "allowed" to, why didn't you just make them? Maybe he thinks that you are the one who cares, you have the time to think about it, you should have come up with a plan. Maybe I kind of think that.

Men do tend to be entitled gits, it's true, but I am not sure why you think his work is so easy either.

Yep. That's what I meant. And dc does wake up nightly at the moment.

I agree that if one parent works, and the other parent is at home, and the kids are no longer babies or young toddlers that need demand a parent with them every second of the day, then the SAHP has the ability to do the majority of the housework. If I have been at home all day I don't expect DP to come home from work and still have to hang the washing and run the hoover around. If I have been at work all day and he is at home, I don't come home to lots of jobs to do either.

Especially once kids are older and nursery or school comes into the equation, then the SAHP will presumably have some time alone in the house to get things done.

However, that does not mean that the WOHP comes home and criticises crumbs on the side. Nor should they leave everything lying around as if you are a skivvy that only exists to tidy up after and pader to him.

It doesn't sound like its the housework that is the issue. It's his attitude to you. And you don't exactly sound like you like him much at the moment either (though that could of course be down to his attitude)

I don't think it's what the OP actually does in comparison to her DH, I think it's the presumption that it will always be her
For example the lie in thing - she has to wake him up to ask him to get up with the kids, because he just presumes she will do it
And that happening 100's of times a day really does build up your resentment so I'm not surprised it sounds like the OP doesn't like her DH very much ATM, she probably doesn't. They don't sound like a 'team' atall, which is probably all the OP wants - Someone to share the responsibility and the burden with and not to feel like it's 'us & him'

To be honest I find it a bit unfair that you don't iron his shirts for him. Do/will the kids iron their own uniforms??

If you have a child waking every night and it is always your responsibility, then that is a big point of difference between your situation and his. It is sometimes the case that a man has never done routine night wakings, and has never ever found out how they take your toll on you. It could be that he simply has no idea that a way of life without proper night time sleep is very hard to sustain.

I have no idea how you correct this.

Frankly I just don't know why men and women attempt to live together.

I'm still interested: tell us about your children and your normal general routine?

He doesn't value what you do, that's the issue. You wouldn't go into his work place and throw his work on the floor but he feels he can put clothes you've washed on the floor. He doesn't listen to you or value your opinion.

Tell him this, make sure he understands that you won't stay in a relationship where you are not valued. It would be worth getting a job outside the house too, for your own sake.

To be honest I find it a bit unfair that you don't iron his shirts for him. Do/will the kids iron their own uniforms??

Erm...
Hardly the same thing...

And I agree that he doesn't seem to value what you do. This is what must be addressed.

OP - ignore those who are demanding you list what you do. I'm sure you get done as much as you can whilst looking after the children and having the occasional break to have a coffee and MN.

Likewise your husband will no doubt be having a chat at work, a lunch break and going on the Internet. It's not like he's slogging away in the salt mines 12 hours a day - although you'd be forgiven for thinking he was the way some posters are clutching their pearls because you expect him to pull his weight.

What kind of relationship is it where one partner expects the other to do all the mind numbing domestic chores because they are the Great Male a Provider?

Do you think he leaves home early/works later to avoid being with the kids?

I think there are issues on both sides. If I were your partner then yes I would expect you to take on the majority of the housework as it's fair division of labour if I'm out working all day. And he does do some work around the house it seems so I don't think this is the problem.

I would however keep the house tidy and not derail all their hard work by leaving clothes on the floor. It seems he doesn't respect your role at home. I also understand that you want some company with him when you have been stuck in the house all day, rather than watching TV...

winnie no one is really implying it is because he is male, just saying that if one partner is at work all day and one at home (regardless of which sex) then it is perfectly reasonable to expect the one at home to do the 'work' at home.

I think it is a perfectly normal relationship where the partner out working all day expects the partner that is at home all day to do the equivalent there. Surely that is fair all round?? Maybe some of her husband's tasks he has to do at work are as mind numbing as some domestic chores.