This has been done to death, but

[AllChangeLife]

I'm at a complete loss.

I've been married to my husband for 6 years now - and for the last year or so our relationship has been getting quite a bit worse. He has always been lazy, but this is getting ridiculous.

He works long hours (out the house 8-7.30) - but seems to think that this means he gets to do nothing around the house/for us/for our family.

He mows the lawn once a fortnight, and takes the bins out occasionally (30-40% of the time) and might occasionally load the dishwasher (once a week/fortnight) Maybe 40% of the time he puts our son to bed. For this he thinks he deserves a medal. He irons his shirts and thinks this is joint housework.

He does no cooking, cleaning, washing, organising of family things like birthdays/days out. He doesn't help around the house putting things away, and will happily leave clean clothes that I've washed and hung up on the floor for our cat to walk all over.

I am a SAHM - which I have given up my job for. (job also not over financially worth it once nursery taken into account etc). What it has turned into is giving up the job to be the family skivvy.

He has little to no respect for me - last night for example I asked him to sit down to talk about our summer - which is getting busier by the minute. We need to make sure we get a break as a family, and can manage all the things that are happening. He sat down and started talking then looked on the internet for something - which turned into him ignoring me and looking at a totally unrelated website. when confronted he said "but what is there to talk about". So because he didn't deem it worthy enough conversation he blanks me.

Most evenings are sat in front of the TV, despite him knowing I hate it, and begging him to turn it off sometimes. He watches crap saying he needs down time.

Despite doing nothing around the house, if he walks into the kitchen and finds crumbs by the bread bin for example, he will regularly have a go at me (more like taking the piss - but harshly) because "how can someone leave crumbs there - can't you just wipe them up" or "tidy up as you go along". He doesn't seem to realise that I can't do everything.

I've been bringing this up for a year. He says he will get better and never does. We go through a cycle of me putting up with it and then getting cross again.

So as not to drip feed - he was depressed for a little bit last year over a specific thing - not to do with us. He wouldn't get help. That thing is not really an issue anymore, and i don't think it is that affecting his behaviour, but i've said he needs to get help if he is feeling depressed - he says he isn't.

What do I do?

I thought this was in AIBU, too - I was about to suggest OP re-posted in Relationships for more measured responses!

He is ok about friends and gym etc. I do go to gym in the week but no more than lunch hours equivalents.

He isn't great at coming home on time if I want to go out but most of the time isn't too late. I don't go out often (maybe once every 6 weeks max.) He does prioritise seeing his friends. But doesn't go so far as to stop me seeing mine.

God, some of you really don't get it do you? She's doing the housework, we're talking about someone who thinks it's OK to drop his pants on the floor for his wife to pick up for him, WTAF? Who is too fucking lazy to stack the dishwasher after he's had anice rest while she cooks for him. Who doesn't let her have one lie in a week and look after HIS OWN child. Who thinks it's ok to use some crumbs on the side to make snarky comments about her cleanliness.
Pressure of being the sole provider, give me a break! Sounds like he's living the life of riley here, he's being a lazy, disrespectful bastard.

Why is the summer 'jam-packed'. for someone who's stressed by work I'm sure that's not something they want. he should be more respectful of you and pick up after himself.

To be fair to posters goodtobetter quite a lot of the OP was complaining about him not doing housework so it's only natural for people to comment on that

I think that as a SAHM with one child then yes absolutely you should do practically all of the housework/running the home

What I don't agree with is him dropping his crap everywhere and the way he speaks to you

My friend's husband used to do this, leave his dirty clothes/plates everywhere. Do you know what she did? From a certain day everything he left lying about (whether it be dirty clothes/dishes) she just piled into a black bin bag for him. He never does it now!!

When he is at work you are too because you're covering the childcare and housework while he is not there, on your own. That to me means that times he is at home things should be shared. I don't agree that working at a non-childcare related paid job for long hours means he is entitled to expect you are his skivvy. If you worked the same hours with the DC in childcare then you wouldn't get away with saying the paid child carers weren't really working just because what they were doing was looking after children would you?

And this;

What a depressing thread. Op isnt asking for him to do everything, hes hardly down the fecking mines. Just take his plate out the kitchen, pick up his pants and listen to her occasionally.

Honestly some people think SAHP = live in slave.

I do wonder whether given the option to do so, how many men would take the maternity leave and then be SAHFs until their child went to school/nursery. I'd be willing to bet very few. Being a SAHM is rewarding and precious time but is also, I found, isolating and mind numbing sometimes. I'm back at work and I know what I see is the easier option.

Your partner pretending to sleep and not give you a lie-in is just unacceptable. Utterly selfish of him and I understand because my ex-DP did the same to me. I was also up in the night with DS.

Some men really need to be SAHFs to really get it. And yet I think somewhere deep inside they do get it- which is why they'd never swap places!!

no it's not fair OP... maybe you make dinner and then he should load dishwasher/do dishes and help with bins more often

Some men really need to be SAHFs to really get it. And yet I think somewhere deep inside they do get it- which is why they'd never swap places!!

Well yes, as my ex said when I came to him literally begging for him to take flexible working so I could WOH "you do so much already, you don't need to take on extra work"

My husband is 23 years my senior Hes 65 and has disabilities and has NEVER once in the 23 years ive known him left his pants on the floor or chucked clean clothes on the floor for our cat to walk on.

We seem to be going backwards.

WTF has happened to this site lately.

It sounds to me like you both lack a little understanding of the other's circumstances. He doesn't understand that his dirty pants leave you hopping mad because it would be so simple to drop them in the laundry basket instead of on the floor, or that housework is so boring that sometimes you have to prioritise and leave a few crumbs til tomorrow. You aren't understanding that after being at work all day doing something that he most likely enjoys as much as you enjoy housework and answering 300 random kiddie questions, that he needs to zone out with a bit of crap TV and leave planning anything /what he deems to be a boring convo until the weekend.

What an extraordinary collection of unsupportive answers to the OP. Of course what the OP is looking for is a little bit of teamwork from her DP. He works long hours- but there is no need for that to turn you into a disrespectful slob who does not appreciate his DW.

His attitude stinks, and he actually does sound very selfish. How dare he be so scathing about standards of housework!

This is actually about a relationship, not about who does the housework. The big question is how to move on. I would think a sit down and a chat about how you're feeling OP, when you're both relaxed is the way to start off here, and take it from there.

I worked long hours until having a baby very recently, definitely longer than the ops charming husband. And between my dh and I we cooked, cleaned (somewhat!) paid bills organised holidays etc. to just watch crap tv withput helping at all is just rude and lazy when you have a family - yes you need to unwind at night but you don't get all night for it!

He sounds lazy and pretty disrespectful. During the week, I think it's fair that housework is done by the SAHP, but that should only be during the hours the other parent is working. In the evenings (or before work, if the WOHP does shifts), it should be split between them. So the DH should be doing 50% of bath/bed, 50% of cooking dinner and 50% of clearing up afterwards.

It's not fair that the person who works out of the house gets to "clock off" when they get home when the SAHP doesn't get that luxury. My thought is that if the DH works 8-7.30, then during those hours, OP should be doing everything. But, at half seven, he should be home and contributing - children don't magically look after themselves at night - they still need parenting and looking after, and that should fall to BOTH parents, not just the SAHP.

Totally agree googoodolly

I think your H is taking the piss - you aren't his skivvy!

My exH was like this - he worked away too, so no responsibilities during the week, out down the pub the nights he was away. Came home at the weekend & it was such a battle to get him to help me out. He would share the lie ins, & do a food shop, if needed - but he'd leave a trail of devastation behind him for me to pick up. Never washed any clothes other than his own.

More than anything, it just made me feel like his servant - that a grown man would leave his dirty boxers on the kitchen or living room floor, rarely put plates in the dishwasher, wash up - I felt so insignificant. He would buy me presents sometimes & I used to try to tell him that I didn't really want gifts, I wanted respect shown to me by having a considerate adult in the house.

Well, his selfishness finally culminated in an affair - which was obviously all my fault!

His sister popped in to see me a few months after we split up & she said" I see that your house is much tidier now my brother isn't living here", with a wry smile on her face.....

SAHMs can manage the majority of the housework, but to expect them to pick up after some lazy, inconsiderate arse is ridiculous. No-one should come home from work of an evening, sit back & watch someone else run around getting their dinner & cleaning up after that too! It's not the bloody 1950's! I would wash up at least to show my appreciation for the good I'd just eaten.

If these men lived on their own, they'd have to do all of this anyway - there'd be no-one cooking their dinner, doing their washing...

Moonfacebaby

Totally relate to your story. Sounds just like mine except he NEVER once shared the lie ins even when he had 3 weeks off in the Summer. He used to moan about the state of the house and dropped everything on the floor. After he left us (for new OW) he visited and commented on how tidy the house was. Pillock. He married the OW and they have a cleaner and no children.

DP is a lazy toad (lovely, but as idle as he can get away with) - he's also out of the house most of the day, but crucially I work (not as much as I wanted to, but that's another subject) - it's worth barely (or not even) breaking even to maintain your independence in my opinion.

When DP started taking the mick by not even tidying after himself, I put a big box in the living room, and called it 'The big box of things DP is too important to pick up' - and anything he left lying around I chucked in there rather than put away. The day when he couldn't find his new driving license which he'd left lying around was a tense one for him, and the day he ran out of socks was enlightening for him too.

Yeah, my xh was similar moon face. I was constantly on catch up with everything because if he ever looked after the DC he would not tidy as he went (or after) but leave everything everywhere for me to pick up and put away when I took over (as well as looking after DC). He also would 'help me out' by doing small things that he had to be given specific instructions to do (who doesn't know that a dirty floor or table needs cleaning?!) and would do the things so poorly that I would have to redo them - tidying up did not involve putting toys in the toy boxes it would be picking them up off the floor and dumping them on the top of the toy box units, hoovering would be running the Hoover quickly over the floor and leaving mess that still needed hoovering, putting the washing away would involve just shoving random things in draws that meant I then had to take everything out of everyone's drawers to reorganise and fold including clothes that were already in there, unloading the dishwasher involved only putting things away if they were easy things like glasses and leaving everything else piled on the work tops etc

I came to feel he did this, not because he was inexperienced with housework or found it difficult, but because he thought all the shitwork was my responsibility and he was making passive aggressive attacks on me for asking him to do any of it. He had just decided I was his slave because he has a paid job.

I don't know why I ever thought the problem was inexperience tbh... It defies rationality to think he was still just struggling because he wasn't used to doing it and needed my help after 5 years!

Oh and the absolute worst one that drove me crazy was insisting you didn't have to separate colours (black towel and light pink cardigan anyone?) and continuing to refuse to even after clothes were obviously ruined then also hanging out washing being dumping screwed up clothes straight out of the washing machine in piles a few feet high onto the radiators to 'dry'.

Oh Chunky - I like your style.

I very much think that in many ways, being a SAHM is a risky business. Put a misogynist man with a SAHM, and it's a recipe for disaster. A one-way ticket to skivvytown.

And I have to ask ... how on earth do you maintain a sex life with a man who treats you like a maid? How can you possibly desire a man who think he's too good to put his socks in the laundry basket, but you've got nothing better to do than pick them up off the floor? How does that even work? Such a man would make my skin crawl...

LOL - it helps that he knows himself very well, so does feel guilty that he's not pulling his weight, so sporadically makes an effort/performs tasks we've agreed are his :)

A bit of dramatic comedy does no harm and makes everyone feel better I think (at least between partners who do view each other as equals, but have some character flaws, rather than someone who views themselves as above some tasks)

Much like the day he put the washing on, including a lambswool jumper of his, which shrunk from XXL to something that wouldn't be baggy on our 4 year old. It's hard to be angry at someone when tears are streaming down your face, and you can hardly breathe for laughing as he holds a mini jumper up to himself.

OP though - that's your basic problem I think (and so do many others) - there's just not a connection with mutual respect it seems from your posts.

And I have to ask ... how on earth do you maintain a sex life with a man who treats you like a maid? How can you possibly desire a man who think he's too good to put his socks in the laundry basket, but you've got nothing better to do than pick them up off the floor? How does that even work? Such a man would make my skin crawl...

For me? Well he was not really very interested in having sex so I felt desperate for it most of the time but also a good dose of delusional thinking along the lines of 'he's not used to this, he just needs to learn' and taking his "I'm so grateful you do so much, I couldn't do what you do" comments as compliments rather than insults...