This has been done to death, but

[AllChangeLife]

I'm at a complete loss.

I've been married to my husband for 6 years now - and for the last year or so our relationship has been getting quite a bit worse. He has always been lazy, but this is getting ridiculous.

He works long hours (out the house 8-7.30) - but seems to think that this means he gets to do nothing around the house/for us/for our family.

He mows the lawn once a fortnight, and takes the bins out occasionally (30-40% of the time) and might occasionally load the dishwasher (once a week/fortnight) Maybe 40% of the time he puts our son to bed. For this he thinks he deserves a medal. He irons his shirts and thinks this is joint housework.

He does no cooking, cleaning, washing, organising of family things like birthdays/days out. He doesn't help around the house putting things away, and will happily leave clean clothes that I've washed and hung up on the floor for our cat to walk all over.

I am a SAHM - which I have given up my job for. (job also not over financially worth it once nursery taken into account etc). What it has turned into is giving up the job to be the family skivvy.

He has little to no respect for me - last night for example I asked him to sit down to talk about our summer - which is getting busier by the minute. We need to make sure we get a break as a family, and can manage all the things that are happening. He sat down and started talking then looked on the internet for something - which turned into him ignoring me and looking at a totally unrelated website. when confronted he said "but what is there to talk about". So because he didn't deem it worthy enough conversation he blanks me.

Most evenings are sat in front of the TV, despite him knowing I hate it, and begging him to turn it off sometimes. He watches crap saying he needs down time.

Despite doing nothing around the house, if he walks into the kitchen and finds crumbs by the bread bin for example, he will regularly have a go at me (more like taking the piss - but harshly) because "how can someone leave crumbs there - can't you just wipe them up" or "tidy up as you go along". He doesn't seem to realise that I can't do everything.

I've been bringing this up for a year. He says he will get better and never does. We go through a cycle of me putting up with it and then getting cross again.

So as not to drip feed - he was depressed for a little bit last year over a specific thing - not to do with us. He wouldn't get help. That thing is not really an issue anymore, and i don't think it is that affecting his behaviour, but i've said he needs to get help if he is feeling depressed - he says he isn't.

What do I do?

Oh and having grown up in a family where the man was (and is) king and 'can't' do basic things like washing dishes and putting cream on scones...

My mum thinks it's hilarious that my dad washed the dishes in floor cleaner the one time he had to do it because she was away for work...

My dad 'can't' even brush his teeth. He regularly pays the dental hygienist to clean them for him... Surprised he can wipe his own arse tbh...

Offred, I'm guessing he's an ex?

I actually had a little cry recently because BF cleaned the table after my kids had had lunch entirely of his own accord and for no other reason than because he was in the house and near it when it needed doing - he though it was a little mental and a little sad.

That's so lovely, and just as it should be, right?

Yeah, but still married. Having a tough time because he's angry I have left him and running a campaign of passive aggressive controlling behaviour that is somehow causing everyone to think I am evil and he is the loveliest thing ever!

And yeah, that's what he said. He was angry with xh and concerned that I wouldn't just expect this kind of stuff from him because it is how normal people behave.

I think that's one thing about this thread. It is very difficult as a SAHM (I'm also a law student and doing voluntary work and internships soon to get some paid work) to expect respect because, on this thread many people, and in real life virtually everyone I have encountered, actually believes that a SAHM is a skivvy and that SAHMs should show their understanding of how difficult it is to be the wage earner by being treated as a slave.

Certainly all my family and friends spend a large amount of time thinking about xh's feelings about various things and making accommodations because it 'must be difficult' now I have left. I get told I have chosen this and need to get on with it... As I was told when I was desperately unhappy and suicidal for years living with xh

On the bright side I recently interned in the USA for 1 month and may have some ongoing paid work out of it and my mum has 'realised' much of xh's self pitying passive aggression is just designed to control women - while I was away he put upon his mum so much she had a breakdown with my eldest two he lied to my mum to keep her away and because she has experienced it directly she has understood a bit more... would have been good if she had just listened to me and supported me as mums do but you know her marriage is pretty shit and she's totally delusional about it so...

I see it so much, I find it bloody depressing. And not even just SAHMs - women who seem to find themselves in the position of doing so much more than their husbands.

I tried everything with my exH - nothing worked. And as for sex, it was like you Offred - he wasn't that interested, I have a good sex drive. Thank-God we did split up as I now have a DP who is amazing in bed - such a generous lover - and it just highlighted that my exH was selfish in that department too.

He was a crafty sod though - very good at giving the impression of being soooo giving. But it was just with the stuff he found easy - usually money related. He wasn't all bad - just incredibly immature. He couldn't help pointing out that he was good at that stuff now with OW - I did point out that it wasn't difficult to keep a bedsit tidy & especially with no kids to look after.

I remember when I first met my DP - the amazement I felt that he just automatically washed up after a meal. His home is organised, he keeps it to a standard that is akin to mine.

I can count on one hand the amount of times my exH cleaned the bathroom in the 14 years we were together. Yet the cheeky bastard would come home & be all picky about the state of the skirting boards!!!

I was told that I was anal & controlling - I am most definitely not. Housework isn't something I'm precious about at all..

It sounds like you're leading separate lives and not connecting; you want to talk to him about doing stuff together but (Cos he's a bloke) he's just hearing nagging ..
I recall a similar situation with my ex but he was working 10 or more hours I was out the house 4 days a week 7.306.30/7 long days and he still expected me to tidy up and do all kids at weekend whilst he had his " leisure" time!!

Good luck, I suggest a cleaner and scheduling some couple time even if it's you joining him watching a DVD on the sofa!!

In the Olden Days where it was explicitly expected that men had skivvies at home, it was common for women to hold most of their meaningful relationships with other women. We all need people to confide in, engage in mutual practical and emotional support, have a laugh with, just generally be ourselves with and share who we are. Traditionally women would do this with their friends, mothers, and sisters and expect very little of that sort of thing at home from a man.
Obviously it is very hard to have that sort of warm and open relationship with a man who has no respect for you and treats you like shit and I think women are catching up to the inadequacy of the traditional relationship faster than men. I think a lot of men are going to learn the hard way i.e. by ending up alone.

This doesn't help OP, of course.