DH just left me at 1.30am feel v sad but he blames me

[confusedmum2one]

Hi

Well I posted a while ago about DH having inappropriate emails with a girl at work and some texts. I admit I am naturally a suspicious person and very negative. I thought things were getting better between DH and I (also our relationship was suffering from us reacting to each other since our 9 month old DD was born). DH has been working long hours at work due to v imporant proj. Last night I called him at 6.30 to say hi (hadn't interacted all day and his contracted hours are 9-5) he diverted my call and said he was talking to a colleague but he was really strange so I said jokingly "oh was it a female then" and he said "yeah but I know how you'll react" so I said don't be daft it's cool - I realise you're working with a lot of females and how important this project is. I still felt he was acting strange. Later on I said to him I felt he acted strange and his response was "I did , because I know your normal response when I need to talk to a female".
Sooooo tonight we had a bit of a tiff and I thought it was time I needed to know if he was acting the same at home as he was at work and so logged onto his work laptop....his emails only last a week so I didn't have any history there BUT the girl at work who he was emailing before, and I had asked him not to have anything more to do with (which he agreed), he had emailed her asking "do you have your running kit" (there's a bunch of them that go running but he's always said this girl, "x" hasn't ever gone). Then she replies "no I haven't got my kit but will bring it in later in the week". Then there's an email "where do you want to go on Friday, I think Harvester might be so-so (in case you want to go somewere upmarket :-) ).
So, I storm upstairs and ask DH if he has emailed this girl this week. His reply was "no" so I say "you're a liar" and confront him and he says he's done nothing wrong. I say well you promised me never to have anything to do with her again and he said "it's work isn't it". So I said none of these emails appear to be about work. He said the email about running and kit was because he saw her in the kitchen and she said noone emails her about running anymore. He was going out running with this guy Chris so emailed her to ask if she had her kit. Then this thing on friday he says he emailed ALOT of peope about where they wanted to go (even tho this email was just to her).

Then I left my rings on the chest of drawers and said it was over because I couldn't trust him then went to the spare room. Then I heard some noise so went through and he was getting dressed and said he was going to a hotel. I said "oh I'm sorry, it's me, please don't go" (I panic and go into a desperate state) and he said, no I can't trust you, you've snooped around my work laptop.

I then said, please don't go, lets sort this out - do you realise how shit I feel that you have again emailed this girl trying to please her and he just said " you've given me your rings back , what does that say" then went.

I know i shouldn't go snooping but anytime I have I have found reason to be concerned.
What do I do now? DD is 9 months old. I live up north but all my family and friends are down south. I have noone to talk about this.

SOrry for such a long post.

Oh dear, I'm so sorry

at the snooping though but understand why you felt the need. I have been tempted to do the same myself, but have managed to resist the urge, so far. Not really sure what to say...

I am very sympathetic - my H left me at the beginning of the year witha then 3 month old ds. I'm overseas but, when I return to the UK, will be in the same boat as you - living in the North with all my family in the south.

Do you think this is something you can sort out? Was there anything going on with the girl? (I haven't seen your other thread so don't know how inappropriate the e-mails were). I could ask tons more questions, but I expect right now you just need a hug, not someone pestering you for info...

{Hug}

Hi Mamama
Thanks for replying.
I am very embarrassed that I logged onto his laptop. I have always been a suspicious person (got this off my mum I know I am an adult now but when in times like this I seem to default to the behaviour I was brought up with).
I am not sure we can work through this. He's never walked out on me before in 7 yrs of marriage.

Basically ever since our DD was born we argued and niggled constantly. His pal at work was confiding in him how he had fallen in love with "Jean" and I said I didn't think "Jean" was acting appropriately as she knew his friend was married and should leave him alone (she was calling him at weekends like an agony uncle). Then I find emails and txts from DH to Jean (don't know what was said in txts cos he deleted them)and they were a bit flirty, there was a work night out planned and he told me work were going to put on hotel accommodation but in these emails he had accepted "Jean's" invitation to stay at her flat (and she said her flat mate was away) and he'd said about "when we get back drunk I can give you a drunken music lesson".
I was upset about this but he said it was just a joke and he had no intention of staying at her flat. From these emails I found out "Jean" had attended after work sports things when he had told me she hadn't. He agreed to have nothing to do with her but maintained that he didn't fancy her or want to cheat on me.

Sorry that was so long.

I didn't hear him come back last night but he's just gone off to work. I tried to talk to him but he just says he's done nothing wrong. I tried to explain how he made me a promise and told me to trust him and how now he's lied again and gone back on his word.

He ignored DD which upset me, she's such a happy little baby.

you need to find space to talk to him - tell him no lies - you just need to know where you stand and what - if anything - is going on.

Tell him his family is at stake - because if he does not actually stop and talk to you and get things sorted you are going to get more and more screwed up, until something will be wrong - even if it is not now.

Hugs.

throckenholt - Hi. It's hard to explain everything when you're trying to keep it short so I don't bore people! We went through a bad time just after we were married, a gang of youths used to constantly damage our car and I felt so unsafe. I actually think now I should've got councelling. I became very possessive of DH, needed to know exactly what time he would be in and if he wasn't in I would panic and call him/his pals. Terrible behaviour but I feel like I almost had a breakdown. I was obsessed with twitching the curtains at every noise in the street and used to go to bed at 9pm so that I didn't hear anyone coming down the street when the pubs turned out.

He realises the family is at stake because last night when I took my rings off I said I'd go today. I asked him this morning if he wanted me to go but he said I was to make my own mind up - I was hoping his reply would indicate if he feels we can work through this.

I suggested we have councelling back in May but he refused.

Alot of this is my jealousy but that's also because of how DH treated me after DD was born - he didn't have 5 mins at work to call me during lunch hour etc or reply to an email yet he had plenty of time to email and text this girl.

I'm really confused, I don't know if I want to go or not. DH would never take me back if I left. I don't have anyone to go to uphere so if I go it'll be 400 miles down south.

I think part of my problem is that I met DH when I was 18, dated from 19. He was my first lover and previous to him I only had a couple of short lasting boyfriends. Part of me feels I need time on my own but that would mean DH and I split for good. Then again he might make the decision for me if he tells me it's over.

Thanks for reading , I'm sorry it's so long.

I'd have read his emails in your position. To be honest it sounds to me like he is looking for an excuse to leave. He was certainly very quick to pack and go. Sorry, hope I'm wrong.

All I can add is that I think from your side you made a threat to your marriage by taking your rings off. That is an emotional blow to your husband and I can understand that he feels that you've betrayed him by snooping and subsequently gave him an ultimatum.

It is difficult to give people advice if you do not know the history but I will continue to say that the way he reacted, although it could be legitimate points in the direction of "attack is the best form of defence" hence the reaction to walk out in the middle of the night with no regard to a small child and an emotionally turmoiled wife. It says a lot about him, but yet again, its difficult if you do not know the circumstances and history.

I would suggest you get a third party to assess your situation get a councillor to chat to and create a neutral environment to air you problems because you might end up solving symptoms rather than the cause.

HTH

I haven't got any answers - may be you shouldn't be making big decisions when you've got a young baby. You sound as though you may have pnd?

What about trying talking to Relate? They often see people on their own in situations like this - it might help to talk it hrough with a stranger.

Try to keep calm and no contact him at work - it sounds like you both need time to cool down a bit before you talk.

would it help to write him a long letter saying how you feel?

I'm not being much help but you sound so miserable and alone - I'll keep my fingers crossed it works out for you.

Hi Confusedmum2one

"We went through a bad time just after we were married, a gang of youths used to constantly damage our car and I felt so unsafe. I actually think now I should've got councelling. I became very possessive of DH, needed to know exactly what time he would be in and if he wasn't in I would panic and call him/his pals. Terrible behaviour but I feel like I almost had a breakdown. I was obsessed with twitching the curtains at every noise in the street and used to go to bed at 9pm so that I didn't hear anyone coming down the street when the pubs turned out". Sorry but this is not terrible behaviour, it was because you were scared and your dh should have regonized (sp)how you were feeling and helped you not seen this as a problem.

He realises the family is at stake because last night when I took my rings off I said I'd go today. I asked him this morning if he wanted me to go but he said I was to make my own mind up - I was hoping his reply would indicate if he feels we can work through this.

"Alot of this is my jealousy but that's also because of how DH treated me after DD was born - he didn't have 5 mins at work to call me during lunch hour etc or reply to an email yet he had plenty of time to email and text this girl." again i'm sorry but he does seem to be putting this girl before you. Can i ask did you PND after your dd was born.

Can you go and stay with you family for while so you both have space to decide what you want from your marriage.

As to thinking that it is because you got married young i can only say from this my sister and DH have been together since they were 16 (met at Preschool) yes they have had a few problems,where they have changed as they have grown up both now in their mid 30's, but they love each other and have made it work.

Agree with other posts that councelling would be good for you, whatever you decide is the future of your relationship.

It's difficult to advise when you don't know all the history, but you seem not to trust him atall and its dfficult to know whether this is because of your family history or purely because of his actions.

Hope you can work it out.

Oh dear, I do remember your previous posts, is there anyway you can accept that these communications are your dh just being friends with female work colleagues and try and get some perspective? Perhaps if your dh had told you he had emailed her to ask her about running because of the conversation prior to this, you would not have felt so bad. I think you need to explain that you need reassuring and that your dh needs to tell you about general friendly communications he has with his female friends to avoid you feeling insecure and that he is hiding things from you.

Thanks for all your replies.

I don't think I have PND, I did have some baby blues but I get out and about and am generally happy and life and soul of the baby group etc! I have always had an awful jealous streak which I have tried to get rid of but I am a green eyed monster at times. Does anyone have any advice on what help I need to stop this behaviour?

I grew up not knowing what trust is, my mum is a control freak and regularly went through diaries/personal stuff whereas DH was brought up in a very casual housewhere his parents never asked him where he was going or what time he'd be in.

DH was going to ignore me this morning but I said I was so upset because of the history with this girl, and that he had given his word he wouldn't have anything to do with her. He replied that He hasn't done anything wrong, that this was work. I said that emailing her about running isn't about work and then he said well she never goes running anyway so she wont bring her kit in... so I wanted to say "EXACTLY, SO WHY FU**ING WELL EMAIL HER".
He said he didn't tell me he was talking to this girl again because of the way I would react.
So, is this all my fault? I should just be "oh lovely, is she well?"!!

You're all right, there are many cracks in our marriage but then we have the best times together and have a good sex life.

DH swears he doesn't have a thing for this girl but can't understand why I feel like he gives her special treatment. He says he just has a lot in common with her and gets on with her (this makes me uncomfortable as he's told me before that men drop at her feet, and how it's emabrrassing the way men make a point of going to talk to her).

I hope DH agrees to see a counsellor as it is looking like that'll be the only way to sort this out. I'm fed up of being told it's me with the problem and I shouldn't be so jealous/posessive etc.

Thanks everyone, I do feel really down about this but feel like this is make or break for us.

It was wrong for your husband to hide that he was still talking to this girl. That being said, it was silly of him to agree to never talk to her again - it doesn't sound like there's anything inappropriate going on there, tbh. It sounds like you need to trust him, and relax about things.

I think couples counselling would be a good idea, but I also think you should seek some counselling to talk through issues from your childhood - you seem to be becoming a version of your mother, and I doubt you want that.

Whatever this woman at work is like, whatever she looks like, and however she behaves, you need to trust your husband.

Tallula - I know I probably sound so pathetic being like this over an email about where the team should go for lunch on friday and if this girl wants to go running! I appreciate your advice and view points becuase it's easy to get carried away in RL.
I feel uncomfortable with DH having female friends. He had one when I met him and she left me out of invitations etc. ALso some women seem to think I am attractive and therefore that I will be a bitch (this is straight out of the mouth of one of his female work colleagues on a night out recently). I was upset by this comment but DH said well most pretty girls are bitches. (lets be realistic here though, I'm nothing to right home about)

When DH first talked about this girl ages ago he said she was a really nice girl but that things always went bad for her, every weekend it seemed she had bad luck. I think the guys feel sorry for her but fancy her too because he's told me that she's pretty and wears nice clothes and is slim. DH's friend that I mentioned earlier had such a hard time coming to terms with his friendship with this girl, he was said he was falling in love with her. DH said at the time this girl seems to be make people addicted to her , she's a magnet.

Back when I found those emails he had exchanged with her about the drunken music lesson etc he said he cringed when he read them back to himself. I asked him how he would feel if they were my emails and he said he would be upset too. He said he just got carried away in the email and that me taking it out of context made it seem worse.

Hi confusedmum - I know this is awful for you - but I just thought I would say a word on your husbands behalf. I work, and all my colleagues are men, we have lunch together sometimes, we go to work do's together - we even dance together and occassinally hug when drunk at do's. However - they are JUST work colleagues - I like them, some of then I like very much, one of them is just like my dh - but they are just work colleagues. I'm not a running kind of person - but they have asked me to go to the gym and swimming with them occassionally. If I was a fit person I probably would have gone as it might have been fun and at the end of the day you ahve to make an effort to get on with your colleagues !

Sometimes my colleagues email me jokes - funny pics etc - and we have a few "in jokes" which no-one outside would understand.

BUT - they really are just colleagues ! they are no threat to my dh or to our marriage. He is in the same position - although he also has mainly male collegaues.

If my dh opened my work emails I would be livid, and if he forbade me to have any contact with one of my male colleagues I would laugh at him !

I agree with the others - I think you need to learn to trust him, and to let him get on with his working life. Maybe counselling would help - I don't know. I think taking off your rings was a step too far tbh. Maybe you are just mismatched - he's too laid back for you - and you are too paranoid for him.

Sorry - don't mean to offend you - but I really think it is you has the issues rather than him.

Sorry my replies are so long

NQC - I agree that sometimes I see myself becoming my mother but I don't really know how to act any differently tbh. Perhaps talking to someone about this would help, like you say. DH often says I'm turning into my mum but I take it as an insult as she is a very depressed woman and never has anything good to say about anyone, very lazy and unmotivated whereas I always talk people up and never bitch about anyone (other than females at his work!) and arrange surprise nights out, day trips etc.

And yes, the issue here is trust. I don't honestly believe that he would have an affair but when i read the email about him staying at her flat when he'd told me the plan was to stay in a hotel it really frightened me that he was a different man at work.

I think we are all slightly different people at work tbh !

That's why I like working - because I am the "work me" not the "home me".

Maybe it's just because you're at home with the little one - your family becomes your entire focus and to be frank - that's really all you have to think about - whereas when you are working you have lots of other things to worry about as well - that's why it doesn't seem like such a big deal to him maybe.

You really can't tell him not to have anything to do with a colleague - you just have to trust him not to take it anything further than friendships. And yes I understand the email thing - emails are so quick and they get suggestive and move on very quickly - taken out of context many of them could look bad - but probably mainly just idle banter.

Hope you can sort this thing out.

Scatterbrain, you haven't offended me - it's good to read what other people think. I haven't ever told anyone in RL about anything in our relationship so I appreciate getting your views.

I should mention that when I work (on maternity leave at the moment) it's with 10 females and 100 guys! I also have sort of male work friends and relate to what you're saying but I have never lied to DH about staying in a hotel after a night out whilst actually making plans to stay at a girls flat. (DH said he wouldn't like it if I had done the same). even though the night out was then cancelled.
I hope that doesn't sound defensive, I was just trying to explain.

I do need to except that DH will have innocent friendships with the other sex, he's always worked with males before so I haven't experienced this before.

I sound quite immature for my 31 yrs.

You don't sound immature - just a bit ummmm - clingy !

I imagine he lied to you about the hotel because he knew how you would react - and I think really he should have stayed in the hotel - but he probably just went along with the whole party idea maybe ? Sometimes we make duff decisions - and it's only natural not to confess - so we avoid being in the doghouse ! Some people are alos habitual liars of course !

However - staying at someone's house does not mean he is having an affair ! you ahve got to ask him straight out if he is having an affair - and look at his face - you will SEE if he is lying to you !

I hope your suspicions are wrong - if they are you are goimng to have to work on this trust thing - and part of that is getting him to agree never to lie to you again !!

It works both ways - you trust him and he has to earn your trust ! When you trust him you will be less worried and hassle him less - everyone's happy again !

Good Luck

I really do undertand where you are coming from, I think the key thing for me is that when dh chats generally about his female colleagues, how they are etc it makes it easier to accept that they are just friends, it is when things are hidden, or a colleague is hardly mentioned until something come alight that causes concern, perhaps this has all stemmed from the lie about the night out? tbh it does sound like a nothing was intended just your dh being a bit stupid about not mentioning it with you first. It would be a shame if you split over this IMO

He did say he wasn't really going to stay in her flat, that it was just a joke. It may well have been a joke. (I do agree that lying about it, if it was an actual plan, would be very much out of order.)

It's catch 22 really isn't it though - if he mentions them in passing you will get suspicious, if he doesn't and then you find out about them it is even worse !

We don't really talk about work colleagues at home ! I don't need to know about his - and he doesn't need to know about mine - they are JUST WORK COLLEAGUES !!!!

Scatterbrain - I can't honestly say I know when DH is lying. He lied last night when I asked if he had emailed "jean" and he said no, his face looked the same as normal.
I don't think he is having an affair but I think he ight get carried away and find himself in an awkward position and could possibly have an affair.

Tallula - part of me really doesn't want to split either but I feel I deserve more thought from DH . For the past 6 months he's been working really long hours and partly I resent it when he can't spare me 5 mins.

This is great everyone, thank you because you're really helping me to get perspective and also help me identify why I am feeling the way I am about certain things.

NQC - I have to take DH's word that he wasn't going to stay at her flat. The email exchange didn't read like a joke, but he means that it wasn't a serious offer/acceptance. He presumes it wasn't serious on her part.

Scatterbrain, his work colleagues do cross over into RL for us though. One lives round the corner and see him every so often for social events. One girl that made the comment about how she thought I would be a bitch now works where I do and as DH and her exchange emails about music tastes she was going to the same gig as us so we met up with her and her brother. So this is when I'm with DH and he appears to be acting/saying things slightly different to what he's like with me/his family.

Hmmmm - in that case I would doubt that he is a different person at work. You can't do it properly if you socialise with your work colleagues too !

I can see how the "staying at the flat" thing was a joke.

You need to sit down and talk this all through with him - I think this latest thing is the tip of the iceberg. You need to tell him that you feel neglected as he won't speak to you during the day, he can do something about that if he wants to. I also think you have to stop snooping - you know what they say about people who listen at doors etc....

You really don't need to know about who is having lunch with or going jogging with - focus on your time together and trust him a bit more.

I think you might find him more receptive to a serious conversation about this if indicate you are considering getting counselling on your own, to deal with the jealousy. I do think talking through your history with your mother and the situation you are in now with a counsellor could do you a world of good. You might find your DH more willing to go for couples counselling, as well, if you go for some solo help first.