DH just left me at 1.30am feel v sad but he blames me

[confusedmum2one]

Hi

Well I posted a while ago about DH having inappropriate emails with a girl at work and some texts. I admit I am naturally a suspicious person and very negative. I thought things were getting better between DH and I (also our relationship was suffering from us reacting to each other since our 9 month old DD was born). DH has been working long hours at work due to v imporant proj. Last night I called him at 6.30 to say hi (hadn't interacted all day and his contracted hours are 9-5) he diverted my call and said he was talking to a colleague but he was really strange so I said jokingly "oh was it a female then" and he said "yeah but I know how you'll react" so I said don't be daft it's cool - I realise you're working with a lot of females and how important this project is. I still felt he was acting strange. Later on I said to him I felt he acted strange and his response was "I did , because I know your normal response when I need to talk to a female".
Sooooo tonight we had a bit of a tiff and I thought it was time I needed to know if he was acting the same at home as he was at work and so logged onto his work laptop....his emails only last a week so I didn't have any history there BUT the girl at work who he was emailing before, and I had asked him not to have anything more to do with (which he agreed), he had emailed her asking "do you have your running kit" (there's a bunch of them that go running but he's always said this girl, "x" hasn't ever gone). Then she replies "no I haven't got my kit but will bring it in later in the week". Then there's an email "where do you want to go on Friday, I think Harvester might be so-so (in case you want to go somewere upmarket :-) ).
So, I storm upstairs and ask DH if he has emailed this girl this week. His reply was "no" so I say "you're a liar" and confront him and he says he's done nothing wrong. I say well you promised me never to have anything to do with her again and he said "it's work isn't it". So I said none of these emails appear to be about work. He said the email about running and kit was because he saw her in the kitchen and she said noone emails her about running anymore. He was going out running with this guy Chris so emailed her to ask if she had her kit. Then this thing on friday he says he emailed ALOT of peope about where they wanted to go (even tho this email was just to her).

Then I left my rings on the chest of drawers and said it was over because I couldn't trust him then went to the spare room. Then I heard some noise so went through and he was getting dressed and said he was going to a hotel. I said "oh I'm sorry, it's me, please don't go" (I panic and go into a desperate state) and he said, no I can't trust you, you've snooped around my work laptop.

I then said, please don't go, lets sort this out - do you realise how shit I feel that you have again emailed this girl trying to please her and he just said " you've given me your rings back , what does that say" then went.

I know i shouldn't go snooping but anytime I have I have found reason to be concerned.
What do I do now? DD is 9 months old. I live up north but all my family and friends are down south. I have noone to talk about this.

SOrry for such a long post.

thanks scatterbrain.

I will try and talk to him tonight, if he a) comes home and b) is willing to talk. I have a feeling he is just going to ignore me if he comes home.

The whole thing seems like such a mess.

Thanks again

Could you text hima nd ask him to come home tonight for a chat - could you say that you are feeling really pants about it all and you want to explain why you did and said what you did ?

Maybe you could make his fave dinner or something as a sort of olive branch ?

Sounds like he is really upset too - put your rings back on !

NQC - do I have to go to through the Doctor to get councelling or do I contact a private organisation?

It's definately something I would like to give a go, I don't enjoy being jealous and posessive yet everytime it happens I seem to have no will power. I think I am paranoid as well - I do feel people are out to spite me a lot of the time (however this is from bad experiences of people telling lies at work).

Gees, I've got so much baggage.

You can try through your GP, and see if the NHS will fund counselling, or you can try to find a local counsellor. I'm afraid I had counselling in a different country through a student health service, so it was a different world.

You could probably start a thread asking how to find a good counsellor? I'm sure there are loads of people on here with knowledge.

SB - rings went back on 10 mins after taking them off! I felt really bad but it was a moment of anger where I didn't feel anything I say could reflect just how upset and dissappointed I was. The issue is that his words back in May were "please trust me, I won't let you down". Now I feel he has let me down but I am also realising that I gave him pretty impossible goalposts.

Dont think he would reply to txt, doesn't normally! I have always been a panic person and so this time I think I should wait and see if he comes home. I realise he's still very angry with me about snooping.

thanks NQC - just started thread now

I'd still text him - he will read it even if he doesn't reply !!

Hi, I have just caught up with this thread. you have had lots of good advice here and it sounds like you are willing to work on some of your behaviours, so I really hope your dh comes home and wants to talk to you.

FWIW, I dont consider myself to be a jealous person at all, but my dh had a female friend at work who I really didnt like. I felt she overstepped the mark with some of her comments - I would be more respectful if I was friends with a married man. But, I did trust him and had to accept that he would never be unfaithful to me.

It is so hard, as once that seed takes root in your mind, it can get blown out of all proportion.

what I really wanted to say is that councelling on the NHS can have quite a long waiting list. If you are on mat leave you could find out if your company runs any kind of Employee assistance programme. If they do it is standard for these to offer some free sessions of counselling so it might be worth checking that out.

hope it all works out for you

Dh and I had a big row once where he walked out at 00:30 in the morning. I couldn't believe it so emailed him and said that since he obviously didn't want to be near me, I would go and stay with my parents to give us both some space and time to reflect. I went back a few days later for a serious chat - do you want to make this work or not - and we agreed to give it another go. Took another week of me living at my parents and going on dates before I moved back in though.

Can you stay with a friend nearby to give both of your some space and pencil in a day next week or something to meet and discuss once the dust has settled. On the basis of what you've said, it does sound as though you have some issues so I agree with the suggestion that you should tell him you will go and get some counselling for yourself to sort out your personal issues.

Hope it works out for all of your sakes...

KezzaG - thanks for mentioning about work, yes ours does have an assistance programme but I don't know much about it hence why I didn't even think! I'll phone HR and get the number. I'd prefer not to go through Doc anyway, very small place where we live and don't like them knowing ins and outs.

Mumpbump. I am glad to hear that you were able to get back on track with your DH. I know it sounds silly but I honestly don't know anyone well enough to go and stay (with a 9mth old as well)with. The only possibility would be inlaws but I don't think DH would want them to know any details (this isn't an indication of how serious/unserious he is about splitting up it's just he's the type of person who deals with things alone then tells people the outcome). I will offer that to DH though so that he realises I am looking to resolve long standing issues as well as this.

I don't want to us to resolve this if DH isn't willing to also try and become more honest about things though - he seems to be able to tell lies quite easily (even though I realise why he's doing it) and that scares me a little.

The other thing I would say is that having a child has a big impact on you and I wouldn't underestimate it. If you are staying at home, looking after your dd, I think it can be difficult to adjust to and you are obviously quite isolated. If I were you, I would make the point (if correct) that I was feeling very isolated, that I was in need of a greater level of support than he was perhaps used to giving and that because he is out there mixing with lots of people whilst you are stuck at home, you feel more vulnerable than you would usually.

I may be way off the mark, but I am sure there are good reasons for why you feel the way you do, but I doubt that men have much appreciation of how isolating being at home with a baby can be. Get him to take a week off and go away so he can have a taste of the experience!!

Sorry - just saw that you work - are you back at work yet or still on mat leave?

Hi Mumpbump

Yes I'm still on additional maternity leave and not due back til Feb (part time). I have told him before how isolated I feel and that contributes to the way I react if he mentions the girls at work but thinking now it's been absolutely ages since I blew a gasget and over reacted when he mentioned something innocent - I think he uses that as a blanket excuse now.

I am quite busy during the week, I make sure I rally the baby group mums together and meet up with them, I go and visit his parents once a wk and also meet up with a friend everywk. I sometimes go to the bf support group (DD still has 5 or so feeds a day from me so can't leave her for a whole day).Then I always go into the village and get chatting to someone so I do feel I try and get over the isolation but it is very tiring looking after DD 24 hours a day - she still wakes once during the night for a feed then is up at 6.30 and I do everything for her and DH then finally put DD to bed at 7pm then cook our dinner for when DH gets in at 7.30ish. I resent that if he spent less time doing daft emails and chatting to this girl in the kitchen then perhaps he might see his DD during the week but when I said that before he went through the roof (I do understand you need a break from your desk every now and then etc).

Thanks everyone

I guess you'll have a chat with him tonight? Good luck with it. When we had our big bust up, I told dh that I was at the point where I wasn't sure I wanted to continue with the relationship any more and assumed he felt the same because the arguing was too disruptive and upsetting, BUT I was prepared to give it another go if he was going to try too - one person cannot make a relationship work; it requires a lot of commitment and effort on both sides.

Of course, we didn't have any dc at that time, so the stakes were not so high, but I think the point that both people have to make a positive effort to bring things around is well worth making. It's all too easy to fall into a "role" and get stuck there and getting out of the rut requires a lot of work on both sides... And that is the meaning of commitment.

One other thing, I find a few men I know attractive and can be quite flirty with them, but, having made a commitment to dh, no matter how much I might fancy someone, I would never, ever do anything about it. There is, I think, a big difference between flirting with someone and taking it further. If you have a good sex life, as you say, I doubt you have much to worry about in reality.

Oh sorry, hit the wrong key, I hadn't finished.

I was going to say I'm nervous about tonight. Earlier today I got my head straight that I was being really unreasonable asking him to promise not to have contact with this girl (obviously he might have to talk work now and again etc) and how they were just pathetic short emails and I was way over the top. However as the day goes on I'm becoming angry that he knew damn well my feelings towards this girl and he knew he made the promise but because there was no way I'd find out (or so he thought) he carried on emailing her. Now I'm itching to check his phone bill to see if he's still been texting her as well but I know that's a step too far.

I've joined 3 waiting lists for counselling though.

But it does kind of suggest that you don't trust him to be looking for this sort of thing... I actually finished a 2 year relationship with a bloke because he was so possessive and obviously didn't trust me. I never cheated on him until it became obvious that he thought I had done and then I didn't feel that there was anything to lose since he obviously thought the worst of me. I do think you need to admit that you're in the wrong on this one - you can't really do anything else - but say that you nevertheless are hurt that he made a promise that he has broken, regardless of the reasonableness of the promise.

But ultimately, if you do want to sort yoru relationship out, I think you both need to draw a line underneath this particular incident and look at how you want your relationship to go forward. That might involve you acknowledging that you are unreasonable to expect him to have nothing to do with a girl with whom he works, taking a deep breath and trying to trust him; and a commitment on his part to try to give you more of his time/attention to help you feel more secure in your relationship and less vulnerable.

Can I suggest you write/map out a game plan in bullet points? It will help focus your mind on what you really want to say. Stick to it, try and stay calm (which you might actually find easy if you have exhausted your emotional energy already), avoid being drawn into an argument and focus on the future not the present or the past.

I do hope that you can sort this out...

Mumpbump, yes what you say is true. it is hitting home to me that it's my jealousy eating away at me here; re-reading the emails in my mind I am becoming a green eyed monster - i just don't want him to be emailing her after everything he's told me about her (that all the guys drop at her feet etc) and then I start to think that's me trying to control him which is wrong.

The sooner i get this counselling the better. I hope he is around to see the improvements but if he's not then hopefully one day I'll be in a happy relationship.

thanks for all your help and advice

Can I put the cat among the pigeons here and say could it actually be that he is having an affair with this woman and therefore that's why he acted so quickly and left? (Could this explain the longer hours at work recently?)>

Probably silly of me to think this but I don't know the full story/history.

Like someone said earlier maybe he was looking for an excuse and acted on it quickly. I really hope this is not the case!

It seems odd that he has lied so much about stuff and deleted texts to her/from her etc but I guess if he knows you are likely to flip then he would....

I hope you can talk to him and get some truth/peace with it all. Can you 'forget' about it if he accepts your apology or will it always be a problem that 'Jean' is around at work?

Confused - have a look at this thread. It's kind of the other side of the story, possibly...

the other side

First attempt at doing a link!!

The other thread is mine.

From the other side I have lived with my dh for years and at the beginning of our relationship he was very jealous. He would even accuse me of looking at other men whilst out with him. It was all bollocks and I have never been unfaithful. I love him dearly. But it is hard living with someone so insecure, when even mentioning male colleagues results in the 3rd degree from him. We have had many big arguemnets about this and he is getting better, but this green eyed monstor is still there, and in the heat of the moment he thinks the most irational things.

So to protect myself from this, I choose to not tell him certain things. Which is like playing with a loaded gun because when someone is so insecure and they find out you have kept something from them they then suspect the worst and wonder what else you are not telling them. They never think the blame lies with them.

So I don't know how bad your jealousy is or on what scale, though I suspect is it is bad then he is probaly sick and tired of being questioned and having to defend himself. I know I am. Many times I have felt like packing up and leaving, but I am the mummy, I have 3 children. If I was the man, maybe I would have done.

Please before you even think about his behaviour, think about your own. There is nothing worse than not being trusted.

And imo, those emails you found sound perectly innocent.

Well said !

MMm, i would check the phone thing too I'm afraid , would not want to apologise and be all contrite and understanding unless I was sure I had checked everything, if that is clear then i would do some grovelling and apologise.

Mumpbump, thanks for posting the link.
YDNM - it's a real eye opener for me reading how it feels on the other foot. I can see how awful it must be to live with someone like me. I cannot justify why we are so insecure and very uncomfortable with our partners being with people of the opposite sex. I am hoping the counselling will help me - do you think your DH would consider counselling?

I am looking at this too black and white. I am really annoyed that he continued to contact this girl when he himself said originally that he was acting inappropriately with her and had become too familar. He offered to move jobs back in May so I thought it wasn't me being too paranoid.

One thing I forgot to mention is that this morning he said it wasn't just this "Jean" that I was looking for was it because he logged on when he got home (from walking out) and saw the emails I had looked at. Now, I know you might roll your eyes at me and tell me to learn my lesson but does that not strike you as suspicious that he logged on? I am now starting to think he was checking whether I had read CERTAIN emails IYSWIM?

I can't bring myself to look at the phone bills, he will know I've accessed them so if they are ok then that would really be another blow to him/us.

His phone rang earlier, he's left it in his jacket pocket that he wore when he left during the night. Its most unlike him to go anywhere without his phone so I'm wondering if he will come home tonight as there will be no way of me contacting him.

He normally gets in about now but no sign or word from him at all today. I understand why but I'm a bit scared if he doesn't come home because a neighbour told me today that a house in the road got broken into during the night. I will go down south tomorrow if he doesn't come home because I need to feel safe especially with DD.

you sound so scared he needs to take some responsibility for this too as he did actually email her again, I hope you manage to sleep okay to night if he does not come back

Usually there is lot more in these things than the evidence found but you either have to believe him and get on with things, be nice, make him want you, make him want to come home because it's so fun with you and the baby or else not believe him, pay an investigator to get you more real evidence, buy some key stroke software etc and then when you really know decide what to do.