DH just left me at 1.30am feel v sad but he blames me

[confusedmum2one]

Hi

Well I posted a while ago about DH having inappropriate emails with a girl at work and some texts. I admit I am naturally a suspicious person and very negative. I thought things were getting better between DH and I (also our relationship was suffering from us reacting to each other since our 9 month old DD was born). DH has been working long hours at work due to v imporant proj. Last night I called him at 6.30 to say hi (hadn't interacted all day and his contracted hours are 9-5) he diverted my call and said he was talking to a colleague but he was really strange so I said jokingly "oh was it a female then" and he said "yeah but I know how you'll react" so I said don't be daft it's cool - I realise you're working with a lot of females and how important this project is. I still felt he was acting strange. Later on I said to him I felt he acted strange and his response was "I did , because I know your normal response when I need to talk to a female".
Sooooo tonight we had a bit of a tiff and I thought it was time I needed to know if he was acting the same at home as he was at work and so logged onto his work laptop....his emails only last a week so I didn't have any history there BUT the girl at work who he was emailing before, and I had asked him not to have anything more to do with (which he agreed), he had emailed her asking "do you have your running kit" (there's a bunch of them that go running but he's always said this girl, "x" hasn't ever gone). Then she replies "no I haven't got my kit but will bring it in later in the week". Then there's an email "where do you want to go on Friday, I think Harvester might be so-so (in case you want to go somewere upmarket :-) ).
So, I storm upstairs and ask DH if he has emailed this girl this week. His reply was "no" so I say "you're a liar" and confront him and he says he's done nothing wrong. I say well you promised me never to have anything to do with her again and he said "it's work isn't it". So I said none of these emails appear to be about work. He said the email about running and kit was because he saw her in the kitchen and she said noone emails her about running anymore. He was going out running with this guy Chris so emailed her to ask if she had her kit. Then this thing on friday he says he emailed ALOT of peope about where they wanted to go (even tho this email was just to her).

Then I left my rings on the chest of drawers and said it was over because I couldn't trust him then went to the spare room. Then I heard some noise so went through and he was getting dressed and said he was going to a hotel. I said "oh I'm sorry, it's me, please don't go" (I panic and go into a desperate state) and he said, no I can't trust you, you've snooped around my work laptop.

I then said, please don't go, lets sort this out - do you realise how shit I feel that you have again emailed this girl trying to please her and he just said " you've given me your rings back , what does that say" then went.

I know i shouldn't go snooping but anytime I have I have found reason to be concerned.
What do I do now? DD is 9 months old. I live up north but all my family and friends are down south. I have noone to talk about this.

SOrry for such a long post.

Confused - there seems more to this - are you now saying he admitted earlier that he was acting inappropriately towards her???? What does that mean?

I'm really unsure about all this - sorry I really hope my suspicions are unfounded for all your sakes but he does strike me as a man caught hotfooted and is running scared.... Or am I being too cynical?

check the phone

Hi confused mum to one

any news, has he come back?

Hope you are ok, thinking of you.

Hadn't posted earlier, thinking of you, hope you get this sorted

Hi

Sorry I didn't post last night. DH came home around 8pm and we ate dinner and talked a lot then had to go to bed early because he has an early flight this morning and we were both shattered from the night before.

He's still a bit angry about me snooping (fair enough).
We're talking (good)
He wants us to stay together, insists he isn't doing anything wrong and isn't cheating nor wants to cheat on me.
He left because he felt that we weren't going to be able to discuss things in the middle of the night, he felt he was defusing the situation but that he came back because he thought I would think the marriage over if he stayed away all night.

DH has always known (and agreed with me) that I don't feel women and men can just be friends. I realise some of you can prove me wrong. However in his working situation at the moment he is working with lots of female and so he is having lots more interaction than he ever has.
I realise I have to get used to this! I just have a really big problem with some of the women. Going by the one I've met, the one I've read her emails and the one I met in the carpark they all seem to try and make me feel like they know my husband better (not very accurate description but trying to get point accross).

THUTM - back in May DH said he had been behaving inappropriately with her on the basis of the emails and texts. He volunteered this, I didn't put words in his mouth. There was an email he sent her first thing when he was back from a wk holiday with me and DD, he said that HE took a great drive out in the TVR to a great restaurant up north and it was amazing, she should try it sometime. That offended me because in actual fact we took the family car and DD and I went along as well! I felt he was trying to impress her (he's already given her a ride in the car just to show her what it can do.) I hate the idea of my DH trying to impress another woman. Also this was at a time when we weren't treating each other very nicely at home, DD's arrival was a huge change and took a while to adjust to.

I really appreciate your advice and opinions, it's so difficult to write down everything that's gone on to give you the whole picture.

I checked the phone bill and there aren't any texts or calls to her phone.

Last night I checked his phone and there aren't any text messages in his inbox (he usually gets a few) and "Jean" called him at 12noon but didn't leave a voicemail. I need to talk some more with DH and make it clear how I will make changes to myself but how I do feel uncomfortable with "Jean". I feel he should have more loyalty to me than a girl he's know for a yr or so.

He's not home until gone 10 tonight and i'm shattered so will probably be in bed so the talking will have to wait until tomorrow.

Mumpbump - I will write bullet points down to try and stop the talking going off track and turn into a row.

Thanks for the advice. I did make his favourite meal and started the conversation off by saying I had got myself on the waiting list of some cousellors. He later said he doesn't want me to go to counselling, doesn't think I need it that I just need to chill out. However I am going to go.

Nellie, yeah that did cross my mind last night tbh. (again then thought, no it's me being totally irrational but like you say that's the cycle)
When I talk with DH I am going to make it clear that I STILL think it's not on to have close female friends. Sure, have a laugh with work colleagues but this whole 1:1 stuff. He's never had it before, not like I'm asking him to lose life long friends. If he can't agree then we'll need to think what we want from this. If I call him at work at lunchtime he's often too busy to mutter more than "hi, yes, ok, bye" so I feel I shouldn't call him (I know he's in work to work) whereas these female colleagues calling him to see if he's running or whatever don't even give it a 2nd thought!

I'm also going to be firmer about his working hours. I realise he isworking for his career and to provide for DD and I but for the few months he has only seen DD for 10 mins before he goes to work. This frustrates me that he might choose to get a coffee and chat with colleagues at his leisurely pace and then return to his desk to work and then decide to come along home (after having a wee chat with the girls next to him). Meanwhile I'm at home having looked after DD all day, put her to bed, cooked dinner, cleaned and done all the chores in the house. I realise he's human and I'm not asking to take a flask of tea every day but I do feel like a housekeeper sometimes and supposed to feel grateful when he makes it home.

Glad it has all worked out make a new beginning and all that lots of luck! so glad it has worked out. JennyLee

Glad you're talking and taking positive action (counselling) for yourself and your relationship.

Just a thought - You may want to tell your DH that even though he's doing nothing wrong and you are going to try to improve your trust of him, he can be most supportive by THINKING about his behaviour with female colleagues. If he keeps in the back of his mind "would I behave like this / say or write these things to "Jean" if my DW was standing next to me" it may help prevent texts and emails turning up that cause more problems.

Yes you have trust issues, but it's his job as your DH to understand and support you and work with you to overcome them.

xx

Hiya confused - so pleased to hear that you are working things out.

I think nellie is wrong fwiw - I don't think he sounds like he is guilty of anything more than being a little naive and not knowing where to draw the line between work colleague and friend.

It is hard sometimes - I have a chap I work very closely with and like very much in a totally platonic way and I often find myself thinking "I must tell John that joke" or "I must send John this link as he;d think it's really funny" - BUT - I do believe that men and women can just be friends.

You will work this out - do go for your counselling though - if only for your own peace of mind.

remember he wants to be married to you, he wants to make it work so why would he risk it ?

Good luck

Hi Scatterbrain

Thanks for your reply today. It does make such a difference hearing it from the other side. Like Mumpbump said before about me not being at work at the moment it's hard to remember what it's actually like being around these people for 9 hours a day.

I'm going to ask DH to keep a distance between him and this "Jean" though. I still feel uncomfortable about his emails before and she's single and well I just feel I can really change

Hi CM2O

How are things today? It looks like you've had plenty of support on MN - I just wanted to check back and see how you are

There are a few of us who have felt or still feel so isolated and many of us can relate to your situation, so try not to feel alone. I'm glad you have arranged some counselling, even if you are still on the waiting list. Where abouts are you? It sounds as though you could do with some RL company...

Hiya confused! Pleased to see that you guys are talking about this. I am sure you will find a way through it if you both want to. I think the counselling is a good idea even if it only serves to help you find ways of coping with your emotions.

If I am upset at dh, very often I will try to avoid raising the issue until the initial emotions have calmed down so I can discuss it in a calmer way. Also, even if I am still upset, I try to think about how I am going to raise a subject and adopt a fairly low-key approach, rather than charging in all guns blazing. Like that, if there is a reasonable explanation, my dh has the chance to give it and I avoid feeling foolish. I cannot say this works every time and we still have the odd explosive row, but it's much less frequent nowadays that it used to be. I hope you can find some ways that work for you...

Mamama and Nellie I have a group of girl friends that I met at baby group who are all lovely and I'm really fortunate to have met such a nice bunch of people. Although its babies we have in common we rarely talk babies now! We have a night out every month and often go shopping together etc. We meet once a week at someone's house for the afternoon as well. I visit the inlaws once a week and meet up with my friends from my work place so I don't think I'm really cut off.
I just don't feel comfortable confiding in anyone in RL, I've never mentioned anything except happy tales to family and friends in RL. BTW I don't usually spend so long on the laptop/internet each day.

DH is on a business trip today but He did answer the phone when I called this morning for his pin number and he replied to a text I sent him! So my remarks about him having time to email "Jean" and not his wife obviously got through .

I'm not sure how he'll react to me telling him that I still have issues with "Jean" - he said last night that if he were to avoid her that would make her central to everything he does (I don't really understand that?)
They only work in the same seating area and same dept, they haven't actually worked on a project together. She is now going to one of his meetings once a week for communication - pah, those two don't need any help at it!

He wont be in til very late tonight from business trip so no time for talking tonight. He doesn't really like talking about things for a long time either, he likes to move on quickly whereas I take longer and out of the blue ask things again.

mum2one .. just to say men and women CAN totally be friends, it it ignorant to say they can't! two of my bestest ever mates are male and there has never been any romance or hint of it whatsoever! Also if you cant trust your dh you shouldn't really be together. Why waste your time wondering what he's up to when you should have 100% trust. Maybe you should ask yourself why youre together, you sound like private spy, watching him!

That's a bit out of order frenchconnection !

Confused can't help the way she feels - and she is seeking help - I don't think your post was at all helpful or useful. I also think men and women can be friends - but that's not the issue here.

i am trying to help.. and the issue IS that confusedmum states that she doesnt believe men and women can be just friends.. hence not trusting her dh to just be mates with this woman..

There's no need to be so rude french connection. No need at all.

FC, I hope I didn't come across as "I am right", hence why I said I'm sure people on here would tell me women and men can be just friends. I think I am being a little harsh and unfair, I don't have personal experience of having male friends but only know of a couple of husbands who had female friends and had affairs with them.

I do have trust issues but along with that I still think that some of DH's emails back in May weren't the sort of thing you send to a female friend. Please be honest - do you think the one where he gets back from leave and emails her about "his" trip out in "his" (2 seater) sports car is not trying to impress her? (the truth was we went there with DD together in our family car).

I really appreciate all your feedback, having only been with DH and not used to discussing relationships with anyone in RL I feel I need my eyes opened!

SB - thanks!

have been PARPING myself but have to have my 2penceworth

she is NOT a spy - I believe that when you've been with someone for years, you KNOW when they change or behave oddly

I had 6 months of being accused of driving my exH away & being paranoid and "how unfair that I cant support members of staff"....until he slipped up and I caught them....now a yr on he LIVES with his "collegue"

Im not saying that this is the same here or that he is having an affair BUT I think it is unfair to have a go at someone for snooping....I am NOT a jealous person - in fact when I started dating exH I had to tell hi to back off cos he wanted to see me every day....but I knew something was up and it nearly drove me mad.

as for being able to be friends, to be honest I DO believe its possible BUT no need for secracy and definitely your family should come first.

OP doesnt seem to think her H has been putting his family first and that could be cause for concern

[hugs] to you confusedmum2one

I think you dh means that if he goes out of his way to avoid any contact with Jean, he will have to factor where she is and how to avoid her into everything he does. Whereas if he just gets on with it, he won't be having to think about whether he is likely to run into her or not all the time. I can see his point on this one.

I don't think you can really do much about his work environment. I think you have to take a leap of faith on this issue which might be a necessary part of the new attitude you're trying to develop. He obviously wants to make your relationship work which he probably wouldn't be as bothered about if he had another one on the go...

hate to say this....my exH said HE wanted to make a go of our marriage AND continue working with her....
drove me mad in the end - I had a thread a yr ago "my DH is having dinner with his mistress"....2 weeks later I asked him to leave

I now Think that if hed wanted to fight for our marriage, he would have cut all contact regardless of how it made him feel at work and long term, left the company.

I know this is different cos your H hasnt had an affair with Jean but to be honest, if hes making you miserable, is it that much of a hardship to stop being friendly with Jean?
I agree that your email saga months back is maybe reason enough to feel unsure....

But - if my dh asked me to avoid all contact with a male colleague - it would really compromise my ability to do my job properly and in all honesty I would not be able to do it ! Not that my dh would do that - but if he did it would very probably send me into lying gto him for a quiet life without compromising my career !

I really think you need to trust him to ensure that she remains "Just a colleague" and does not cross over that line into "being a friend". You can't do that for him - only he can do it - and you have to trust him to do that.

What I am really trying to say is - don't force him to go subversive - accept that he will see her sometimes - but trust that it is purely a professional realtionship.

I know that's going to be hard for you - but you can do it, you really can !