DH just left me at 1.30am feel v sad but he blames me

[confusedmum2one]

Hi

Well I posted a while ago about DH having inappropriate emails with a girl at work and some texts. I admit I am naturally a suspicious person and very negative. I thought things were getting better between DH and I (also our relationship was suffering from us reacting to each other since our 9 month old DD was born). DH has been working long hours at work due to v imporant proj. Last night I called him at 6.30 to say hi (hadn't interacted all day and his contracted hours are 9-5) he diverted my call and said he was talking to a colleague but he was really strange so I said jokingly "oh was it a female then" and he said "yeah but I know how you'll react" so I said don't be daft it's cool - I realise you're working with a lot of females and how important this project is. I still felt he was acting strange. Later on I said to him I felt he acted strange and his response was "I did , because I know your normal response when I need to talk to a female".
Sooooo tonight we had a bit of a tiff and I thought it was time I needed to know if he was acting the same at home as he was at work and so logged onto his work laptop....his emails only last a week so I didn't have any history there BUT the girl at work who he was emailing before, and I had asked him not to have anything more to do with (which he agreed), he had emailed her asking "do you have your running kit" (there's a bunch of them that go running but he's always said this girl, "x" hasn't ever gone). Then she replies "no I haven't got my kit but will bring it in later in the week". Then there's an email "where do you want to go on Friday, I think Harvester might be so-so (in case you want to go somewere upmarket :-) ).
So, I storm upstairs and ask DH if he has emailed this girl this week. His reply was "no" so I say "you're a liar" and confront him and he says he's done nothing wrong. I say well you promised me never to have anything to do with her again and he said "it's work isn't it". So I said none of these emails appear to be about work. He said the email about running and kit was because he saw her in the kitchen and she said noone emails her about running anymore. He was going out running with this guy Chris so emailed her to ask if she had her kit. Then this thing on friday he says he emailed ALOT of peope about where they wanted to go (even tho this email was just to her).

Then I left my rings on the chest of drawers and said it was over because I couldn't trust him then went to the spare room. Then I heard some noise so went through and he was getting dressed and said he was going to a hotel. I said "oh I'm sorry, it's me, please don't go" (I panic and go into a desperate state) and he said, no I can't trust you, you've snooped around my work laptop.

I then said, please don't go, lets sort this out - do you realise how shit I feel that you have again emailed this girl trying to please her and he just said " you've given me your rings back , what does that say" then went.

I know i shouldn't go snooping but anytime I have I have found reason to be concerned.
What do I do now? DD is 9 months old. I live up north but all my family and friends are down south. I have noone to talk about this.

SOrry for such a long post.

This is your thread. Write as much as you like!

Sounds like he's not really listening to your concerns here and just justifying continuing on as he has been.

There is a problem which both of you need to work on. You by getting counselling and trying to trust him. Him by thinking about what he's doing / saying and altering his behaviour accordingly. It seems he just sees this as totally your issue and he does not have to take your feelings into consideration atall.

I agree he has to work with Jean and can't avoid her, but if my DH knew I was jealous of another woman I would expect him to think about his behaviour towards them and make sure he didn't actively stoke the fire.

Maybe you should try to concentrate on your counselling for now and see how you get on with trying to trust him for the next few weeks.

Stay strong. xx

Confused - I am happily married and trust my dh implicitly, but I only get the "dregs" because he does a demanding job and at the weekend, my dsc are around so we have very little time together. This weekend was a w/e without my dsc and we did bog all - just slobbed out and watched a film last night. I have a friend who lives in Leeds - anywhere near you? - whose dh is working all hours and often doesn't get home until 23:00 or midnight and is knackered at the w/e too. I promise you that you are not the only person in this situation and I am afraid that it is largely the consequence of having a breadwinner husband - mine isn't, but he is in a high-achieving career.

Wait until you are doing your counselling and are back at work and see how you feel. I think that you probably need to give it a few months before you can start saying - look at how I have changed; do you trust me now? People's attitudes do not change over night as I am sure you are aware from your own difficulties in drawing a line under this one.

When I started going out with dh and he made some cr*ppy comment about me staying with my ex (who I had split up with 6 years earlier), I almost finished with him on the basis that he did not have the right to tell me who I could and could not associate with. Nowadays, if he really didn't like someone, I would probably think twice, but that is largely because he has never tried to control who I am friendly with. It is very important to me that he shows that level of trust, particularly after the overly possessive bf I mentioned earlier.

You need to be patient and (as my mum would say) let the world take a turn or two. I know you want everything sorted out now - doesn't everyone - but behavioural patterns take months, not weeks to change and only then will you see how his behaviour changes in response...

When are you starting your counselling?

Sorry things are still hard for you

I think you both need to find a good balance, him to accept that he needs to talk more in general about his female colleagues/friends in the same way he does with his male friends. This really helps me to understand that they are just normal friendly relationships.

Also if he did agree to not have any contact/tell you about all his communications, you would never really know if there was anything inappropriate anyway, how do any of us know, we just have to have some kind of trust.

I understand how you feel about getting the dregs, I have felt like an au pair in the past ie. look after the kids/house but am not privvy to this other life dh has, however, my dh has now reassured me that all his friendships are very much secondary in his life, we email each other throughout the day, he texts me sweet things, and I am going to arrange to meet him more for lunch during the day (even though it is over an hour commute) this really helps me to feel he is sharing his "other life" with me more, and I feel it helps him to chat more generally about it. hth

MB - You're right, I do need to let the world take a turn etc (like that) but I feel that DH now has different views on what is acceptable behaviour and what isn't, and I'm scared because the only option if i don't like it is to separate and that's not what I want. Sorry to go back but lets take the email about staying at Jean's flat after works night out. The email exchange was about 4 long, started out about dates for proposed nights out then DH asked her advice if she knew any good and reasonable hotels, she replied she wouldn't expect him to stay in a hotel and offered her place, he said wow, thanks for the offer that'd be cool and when we get in drunk I can give you a drunken music lesson.
He says it was a joke her offering him to stay at his and it was a joke him accepting - how is this a joke? I know he's been a bit naive but what I'm getting at is that he carried on this email banter without even stopping to think how it looks to anyone else or how I would feel. (He KNOWS I am the person I am, it's not like I've just recently become a bit jealous etc). I think Jean thought he would be staying.
I need to understand if this is me be controlling or if I am reasonable - I am thinking ahead to his works christmas party, it's in a hotel and when the event finishes I wonder if some of the die hards will carry on the party in someone's room. Now if this is Jean's room or if Jean is going I wouldn't want DH going to the room party. I know now that his opinion would be "I did nothing wrong, other people were going" but I feel that he's a married man and a father and he should care more about what his actions look like, and how he knows I would be really upset about it. (Although I wouldn't say a word because I am doing my utmost to change my ways). I think maybe I feel like he can just go and do whatever he likes (as long as it doesn't involve kissing or sleeping with another woman) and I have to accept it. Whereas I would never do something if I knew my DH didn't like it/approve of it.
BTW I don't sit here thinking of all types of possible events etc but I was trying to give an example to you.

Tallula - yes recently I've been taking DD over to meet DH for lunch once a wk (his work is also 1 hr drive from us) and it is nice, and like you say physcologically it makes me feeling closer to his "other world" by me picking him up from outside his work.

I think the key thing is that you feel his behaviours are being disloyal to you and dd and he perhaps does not? I know this has been an issue for me, however the fact that he doesn,t would make me think that his behaviours are not in anyway meant to be pursuing another relationship, that has to be of some reassurance. I do think it would be acceptable for you to ask him not stay over at the xmas do, if it is possible for you to ask in the right way, eg, I want you to go, because I know it would be a good night for you and I want you to enjoy yourself and I know it would make you happy to go, but can we compromise and you to get the last train home etc.?

Hi CM2O

I haven't posted before but just wanted to respond now, as I know that awful feeling of trying to cope, whilst waiting for counselling.

You have had some good advice below, of a) going to counselling to work on trust issues yourself but b) not just settling for the dregs of your dh's life at home and c) look forward to getting back to work yourself/getting out of the house, so that it is easier to keep things in perspective.

If you can, I think that you should focus on b) and c) whilst you wait for the counselling and try not to worry about the Christmas Do. Easier said than done, I know, but to be honest, if things are going to happen then they will happen and the best way that you can prevent this is not to worry about your dh, who has done his best to promise you that he understands about boundaries, but to work on yourself, your self esteem and your home life.

Think about what you can reasonably expect from dh at home that he is not giving at the mo (my dh too, tends to come home and look for his slippers/switch on the laptop. Not very romantic!) Can you book a night a week for you to share something more exciting - a night out with a babysitter booked, or just a bottle of wine and a video you both enjoy? You need a life together and chance to have some fun too. Try getting in grapes/strawberries, to dunk in melted chocolate and feeding them to each other, whilst watching something good on TV!

Then look at yourself and ask how life could be more fun for you. Do you need to tell dh that you are having a night out a week and then go and do something just for you? (I had a friend whose dh was having an affair. She suspected, but didn't know, but she enrolled on an OU course and took up several new hobbies as a way of starting her new life. She intended to leave him if she found out for certain. In the end, he was so impressed by this strong woman with loads of interesting friends that he ended the affair and (after loads of anguish and heartsearching, it has to be said) they started afresh and are very very happy. I'm not suggesting that your dh is having an affair, but the same dynamic applies. Life is for living. Get out there. Look after yourself. Get a makeover or new hairdo, if you can afford it. Enjoy laughing again, with a gf if dh is too tired to have fun. And he will probably notice the difference.

Best of luck, Hon.

NQSTM - thanks for your reply it has helped. After the emails/txts in May I got a makeover, new wardrobe and lost practically all the remaining baby weight. I joined two clubs and made a real effort to do what I wanted during the day rather than just chores from dawn til dusk whilst enjoying my time looking after DD. In one way it helped my self esteem and I felt much better for it but I don't think DH even noticed. I am trying to not be so clingy though. Sometimes though I get fed up with it being me making all this effort to change myself and wonder what steps DH is taking? He still stands by the fact he wont tell me stuff about female colleagues because of the way I react etc and so sometimes I do wonder if I am really with the right person. That's why I've found everyone's advice so useful - things that are normal and common in relationships and things where it's clear people just aren't matched.

I will do as you say, I need to try and let go of things I'm holding up so tightly to my chest as I'm terrified of being let down. I felt let down both times I've seen DH's emails yet apart from admitting he became too familiar back in May he doesn't feel he has done anything wrong - and I know really he hasn't it's just the difference of opinion.

Thanks

Confused - I am sure that if you both want to sort it out, you will get through this patch and when you do, your relationship will be stronger because of the level of commitment which you have both shown.

Start with small, achievable things to try and build up some time together, like you have done in meeting for lunch once a week. Perhaps you could agree one evening a week when you turn the tv off and have a meal at a table after dd is in bed. I used to do this on Sunday evenings for me and dh and it makes you talk to each other, rather than being distracted by the tv.

Keep us posted though!