DH just left me at 1.30am feel v sad but he blames me

[confusedmum2one]

Hi

Well I posted a while ago about DH having inappropriate emails with a girl at work and some texts. I admit I am naturally a suspicious person and very negative. I thought things were getting better between DH and I (also our relationship was suffering from us reacting to each other since our 9 month old DD was born). DH has been working long hours at work due to v imporant proj. Last night I called him at 6.30 to say hi (hadn't interacted all day and his contracted hours are 9-5) he diverted my call and said he was talking to a colleague but he was really strange so I said jokingly "oh was it a female then" and he said "yeah but I know how you'll react" so I said don't be daft it's cool - I realise you're working with a lot of females and how important this project is. I still felt he was acting strange. Later on I said to him I felt he acted strange and his response was "I did , because I know your normal response when I need to talk to a female".
Sooooo tonight we had a bit of a tiff and I thought it was time I needed to know if he was acting the same at home as he was at work and so logged onto his work laptop....his emails only last a week so I didn't have any history there BUT the girl at work who he was emailing before, and I had asked him not to have anything more to do with (which he agreed), he had emailed her asking "do you have your running kit" (there's a bunch of them that go running but he's always said this girl, "x" hasn't ever gone). Then she replies "no I haven't got my kit but will bring it in later in the week". Then there's an email "where do you want to go on Friday, I think Harvester might be so-so (in case you want to go somewere upmarket :-) ).
So, I storm upstairs and ask DH if he has emailed this girl this week. His reply was "no" so I say "you're a liar" and confront him and he says he's done nothing wrong. I say well you promised me never to have anything to do with her again and he said "it's work isn't it". So I said none of these emails appear to be about work. He said the email about running and kit was because he saw her in the kitchen and she said noone emails her about running anymore. He was going out running with this guy Chris so emailed her to ask if she had her kit. Then this thing on friday he says he emailed ALOT of peope about where they wanted to go (even tho this email was just to her).

Then I left my rings on the chest of drawers and said it was over because I couldn't trust him then went to the spare room. Then I heard some noise so went through and he was getting dressed and said he was going to a hotel. I said "oh I'm sorry, it's me, please don't go" (I panic and go into a desperate state) and he said, no I can't trust you, you've snooped around my work laptop.

I then said, please don't go, lets sort this out - do you realise how shit I feel that you have again emailed this girl trying to please her and he just said " you've given me your rings back , what does that say" then went.

I know i shouldn't go snooping but anytime I have I have found reason to be concerned.
What do I do now? DD is 9 months old. I live up north but all my family and friends are down south. I have noone to talk about this.

SOrry for such a long post.

PS. forgot to say ........IF my dh had an affair with someone at work - IF (and that's a very major IF) I forgave him - he would definietly be changing jobs !!

But - your dh has NOT had an affair - just an ill judged friendship !

Hugs xxx

MB - yes I have been telling myself just to forget all the past. Like you said - draw the line under the past and move on. I do think I can do this and then suddenly something reminds me of the past (DD was very young then and being so far away from family and friends I resented DH's behaviour towards me at the time and then the attention he was giving "Jean") and then I question things.

The bee in my bonnet at the moment is that I feel DH was sending more than your average colleague to colleague email, so then I think well fair enough she has become his friend but actually I think no - his emails had a flirtatious nature and engaged in email exchange he admitted himself he would be upset if it was from me to a guy at work. So if he's gone from that to now just sending her emails about running/where she wants the team to go for lunch etc it makes me feel a bit uneasy that he can go from one to the other without defaulting to the earlier ones IYSWIM?

I'm sorry this must be a very boring cycle for you all to be reading, there's lots of you on this thread that have given great advice and made me understand things a lot better, thanks for taking the time to help me.

Do you think it's natural that I want to meet "Jean" - not to talk to but I'm curious to know what she looks like.

SB - crossed posts with you.

I have obviously forgotten to post this BUT DH sees "Jean" as a friend already. Last night when I was agreeing that he couldn't totally ignore this girl he said that at works there's some people you get on with and others you don't, so I said yeah but it's not like you being friends with "joe" and his reply was that he is as friends with "Jean" as he is with "joe" (Joe is the guy we have seen out of work with his wife).
Which then takes me back to the night he left (Tues) when he logged back on his laptop when I was asleep (he told me in the morning he had looked to see which emails I had looked at). It kind of makes me concerned if there were other emails he wouldn't like me to see?
And there I go again... back in my viscous circle!

Hmmm - I think you've either got to trust him to manage the friendship appropriately - ie. not to flirt with her or anything worse.

But - if you can't trust him to do that maybe he should be looking for other jobs, maybe another area in the same company, or maybe change company ?

Make sure he knows how uncomfortable you are with his friendship !

Hmmm - a naughty thought just crept into my head !! How about inviting Jean for dinner one weekend - let her see him at home being a husband and a daddy and you also get to evaluate her and see what real threat she is.

Morning

Need advice. Yesterday I asked DH to send me "Joe's" email address so I could send him details of some local area stuff (he lives in same town). DH asked why I wanted it and I said "I've just told you, I think "Joe" will be interested". He then asked could I not send the info to him and he will forward to Joe. I said how silly. He then said "no because I know how you think and you will quiz Joe about the running". I said I haven't heard anything so absurd and he started "don't kid on you're innocent". (was going to start a row so we dropped it).

Today is the day of the lunch where DH had emailed "Jean" about where she wants to go. DH's story was that there are 6 or 7 of them going to a working lunch (however it was only Jean in "to" field in the email).
I've just asked him if I can have the TVR today and he said "no". so I said come on that's not fair I never use it. He then said "I can see through you, you're worried I'll take someone to the lunch in it" - so I said what, how ridiculous, my friends are coming to lunch - some can mind babies and I can take the odd girl out for a quick drive. (we all drive boring family cars and thought it would be a nice wee thrill).
He then said" your a liar, you do need the counselling". I have tried to reason with him this morning but he is adamant I thought this (I didn't).

I was in two minds - hide the keys so he has to take the family car or go at lunchtime and spy (believe me this is not something I would even consider but the way he accused me of something I hadn't even thought of really has worried me.)

Update - he's just gone to work in the family car, he's really pissed off, I told him to take the sports one cos I don't even feel like driving it now. I asked him to believe me and he says he doesn't. He said he can't trust me for snooping etc so I said well after those email and texts I believed you the next time or when you told me you hadn't seen this girl etc and he couldn't accept it!

Arrggh I really am unsure what to do. He's put 2 things in my mind now that I hadn't even thought of. He seemed adamant not to give me Joes work address then this thing with taking someone in the car to lunch. I'm really doubting how I feel. I do love this man. When he goes out on nights out I have no trouble trusting him or anything like that, we have lots of fun at the weekends but when shit blows up it really blows up.

Am I overreacting? I am not a nutter honestly but now I am thinking I want to go and spy - maybe it was Xenia's reference to a private detetective that's given me the idea. I should trust him and i did - I didn't even think/worry that he'd give "jean" a lift - I understand they're all going 3 mils up the rd, they're not all going to go in separate cars and I'd have thought DH would have the respect for me not to take Jean if that's what it came to.

Oh and last night when we went to bed (it was later than usual and he had been up since 4am) I asked him if we could make love and he said no (in quite a nasty way). Don't think he's ever turned me down before (or if he has he's given me huge cuddles and offered to do "other things").

I really think your dh should be doing everything he can to reassure you that he doesn't fancy anyone else, it sounds like he has not taken on board the extent of how badly you are feeling, I think it is unfair for him to pass the book and tell you to go and get counselling, he has a responsibility to help you feel more secure in yourself, since it was his behaviours that has started the insecurities you have. When we went through a similar thing dh wrote me a wonderful letter stating he was sorry he had hurt me so much, sent me flowers and constantly reassures me. It sounds like your dh has just become irritated now and wants to brush it under the carpet.

Confused - re: emailing his work colleage directly, I can understand that if you are inclined to be jealous, which you say you are, your dh might not want to let that affect his workplace. You have said that you have a problem with jealousy and his attitude is more likely the result of the behaviour you want to change, I would have thought. FWIW, I have never emailed any of my dh's work colleagues directly, even though I know a few of them. I think it would be odd, but if you know Joe really well, perhaps it wouldn't be.

To put today in the context of the thread over the last few days, you had a huge row with your dh and have said you will get counselling to try to deal with your jealousy issues, but a couple of days later, you are giving him a hard time again about Jean. If you really want to draw a line beneath it all and focus on the future, I think you need to give the whole thing a break for a while.

Can you not make up an excuse to go and stay with your parents just to get away from the situation, give yourself a break and gain a different perspective? I really think you need to get out of the situation temporarily. Staying with your parents should ensure that you have adult company most of the time and keep you from going over things in your mind and winding yourself up. If you've made up over the row, it needn't look like it's a reaction to that, but perhaps you could concentrate on having a really nice weekend together and let things slide for the moment and then say that your parents have invited you to stay next week. Do a child related activity over the weekend so you both focus on her, rather than the problems you're going through.

If you keep pushing on this issue at the moment, it will undermine the fact that you have said you want to make an effort to get things back on track and get counselling. He will probably think "Well, it's all very well her saying that, but obviously nothing is going to change". If you really can't draw a line under it even for a week or so, then the chances of you being able to do so on a longer-term basis seem limited in which case your marriage seems to be on very, very rocky ground.

In your heart of hearts, do you really believe your dh is having an affair or are you just angry because he seems to have lied to you about emailing her?

Any my dh will refuse to cuddle me or anything if he's really p*ssed off with me, so chances are his refusal to have sex simply reflects the fact that you are going through a difficult period. If it's a one-off at this point of your marriage, I wouldn't read too much into it.

confused mum trust your instincts, if it looks like fish and smells like fish then you can gurantee it is fish. I see that you can be jealous and by the look of it this situation is tearing you apart, but your husband isnt 100% innocent in this.

For your husband to be sulking cause he had to take the family car to work not the TVR proves that he wanted to impress someone, whether this is for the girls benefit or for wanting to show off to his work friends, this just seems very strange to me.

texting a guy offering him the opportunity to stay over might have been done as a joke, but it seems a very tongue firmly in cheek kind of way, and why is this woman ringing a married man, surely if she wanted to know something she would approach him in work and face to face ?

I also agree with you when he wanted to check what had you read, sounds like there could have been more and maybe something that he didnt want you to read.

I dont think your husband helps your paranoia, infact I think he is making your paranoid worse and using it against you.

I dont know what to suggest to help, I dont think you are going to have any piece of mind until either a) you catch him at something, or b) you meet face to face with this woman and hear it from the horses mouth, I also think there wont be closure on this until you have some firm evidence either way.

I wish you all the best xx

Hiya!
How was your dh able to check you had read his emails? Are you sure he wasn't second guessing you? Not that I'm saying you should have, but in my mind you had enough reason to be suspiscious and you checked to try and put your mind at ease! I have to say if I found emails from a woman I specifically asked dh not to be in touch with I would go ballistic!!!
He isn't showing you any respect whatsoever!
Don't lower yourself to go & spy on him, if I were you I would be gone when he comes home, go to a relatives house, talk to someone who knows both of you, and would know what he's like, they may be able to offer you a different perspective of him??

In terms of looking for evidence either way, you can NOT prove a negative so you will never be able to confirm that he has not/is not having an affair. And if you keep digging for evidence that he has, if he is innocent, you run the risk that he will think there is no point continuing if you distrust him that much. I think it's your call, based on whether you really think he is up to something and whether you want to continue your relationship. BUT if you do want to carry on, pushing on it is not going to help your relationship. You need to decide what you want (ie. to be with him or not) first and then act accordingly.

Hiya, i have been following this thread and will have to agree with Tinkerbel5! Where there is smoke there's a fire. My ex DH was also very jealous and used to check through my e-mails and phone all the time. I had nothing to hide so this made me laugh and I just let him get on with it. If it puts his mind at ease and no harm is done - why not!
I am sure everyone here will disagree with me (maybe I watch too many movies) but I would have gone and spied on him! All this suspicious behaviour would have led me to it. Whatever you do though - think very nicely about the consequences and whether or not you are prepared to accept them... Best of luck all the same and I honestly hope this is just a big misunderstanding. Will keep following your story.

I am sorry to say i would spy even more, he is making you worse, i mean if there is nothing to hide why is he being like that? I hate this stuff I feel bad for you.

I havent read the whole thread but it sounds like you were suspicious for a good reason... men often twist it round so you end up feeling you have done something wrong!

Hi

MB - I do understand where you're coming from. He describes it like picking at a scab. I just saw someone recommend CBT online so I'm going to do that later to see if it helps. When he talks about the emails I feel fine and it makes sense but then later I have a pang of anxiety and then thing what if he is covering his tracks etc.

Right well I did go to his work, he actually forgot to take share application forms that had to be in today. I couldn't peak on him from the car - all his colleagues know its his car! I called him and he was in a mtg so I just left and came away. I was soo tempted to park up near his work and wait til lunchtime but this wasn't fair on DD and it just didn't feel right. Like I said before I am NOT like this (I know maybe hard to believe if I snooped on emails!).

Right, so I think it's boiling down to the fact that I do trust DH not to kiss/shag someone else but I don't trust him not to have feelings for a girl and like her perhaps more than me. This is where the controlling element comes in I guess? It's not right I know so I'm going to take the advice that I'm going to shut up for a week and see how things are.

I'll let you know how things go.

p.s I really can't go down south for a few days - there's no where for me to stay.

Sorry I didn't acknowledge other replies.

Yes I've read lots of threads on MN where it's been the case that the person cheating has made their partner feel guilty/like it's something they've done.

I think DH said those things this morning (about the car etc) because perhaps he knows me well? The sad thing is, because I'd already made an effort to change it didn't even enter my head who he might take to the lunch (if I was believing there was a bunch of them going).

I still have some doubts in my mind but I HAVE to give the situation a break to get back to some normality. I haven't eaten properly since Tues because I feel sick constantly and its getting me down.

I am really scared but I also feel strong. I'm scared DH is going to do things I don't like but if he does I'm strong enough to move on. I do love him but part of me wonders if this relationship is just too damaged now? He just refuses to go to counselling (last night his reason changed from not wanting other people to know our business to saying "I'm not the one with the problem").

Thanks again for all your replies.

ConfusedMum - I read your thread last night and I really feel for you. I do think you have trust issues - counselling would be a really good idea.

Your DH obv knows this and he probably hides more than he needs to because he knows how you will react so then you become more suspicious.

FWIW I have worked in lots of offices with both men and women. Have gone out for lunch/drinks/dinner usually in groups but ocasionally lunch may be one to one if no-one else was around to go. Have flirted loads. Been flirted with loads. Lots of jokey/flirty e-mails. Been friendlier with some guys than others. But it is all just office banter. Not meant seriously and not taken seriously. Most offices are pretty boring places and lots of light-hearted banter is necessary or you would go mad.

You seem to feel that if your DG didn't spend 5 mins talking to "Jean" whenever he bumps into her in the office that he would be home earlier. Not true. He wouldn't. No-one can just sit at a desk all day and not interract with others - it is human nature to need a break away from it.

My DH works in an office with lots of women. in his last job he reckoned sexual harrassment was practically mandatory and the women were the worst - but it was all talk and innuendo. (We were in a diff country).

I think you have trust issues as I said (and you do knwo that yourself). Your other issues with your DH are that you feel he didn't give you enough support after you had your DD. You resent him for this and until you sort it out somehow you will just carry this baggage around. Please do get counselling yourself but you need to see someone as a couple too.

A good counsellor will not tell either of you that you are right or wrong but will make you both understand the other's point of view.

Good luck.

One final word, I promise!! Try not to do anything too drastic until you're back at work. You may find you have a very different perspective on everything anyway once you get back into the outside world - no digs at SAHM's, I promise, but I found being at home incredibly isolating and was so pleased to get back to my work where I had people to chat to and interact with...

Agree MumpBump - meant to add that myself !

BB - what you say is true, and I have been flirted with before also but I am quite a prudish type of person so I think my straight back makes me not flirt back?

MB - yes that's a good point. I really think the CBT and counselling are going to help because it's my thought process that is also at fault. If I'm busy myself yes I don't think about what DH could be upto or worry about the past but I need to change my controlling and paranoid ways as that's the root of the problem.

Hi everyone

Thought I would give you an update and ask for some more advice.

DH was awful fri night, yes/no replies to me most of the night and he felt very distant. I actually thought that was it because I felt so low myself. I pleaded with him to either give it a chance or call it a day because the atmosphere/behaviour was just wrong IMO. He said he was just sad and that he wants to get back on track but cannot agree to be controlled by me (he explained that he feels I am controlling him by asking him to tell me if he goes to lunch with "jean" or if he refrains from email-banter because I have asked him to). He says it will be over if I read his mail(I don't anyway), look at his phone, read emails, log onto his bank(only did this when we needed to re-mortgage and when we cleared a loan). He says he doesn't trust me.

I told him I don't want to control him, I just want him to be more sensitive to how I feel and how i need reassurance about his work set up.

Things got better after that we had a nice weekend.
So, he still refuses to go to relationship counselling. He also says that basically I have to just deal with the fact he likes Jean and that he wont tell me everything they say/do (he wont be meeting up with her outside of work or anything other than work night outs) and part of his job is to mentor her (this annoys me after one of his emails back in May was "oh you're going to kick arse when you get up and running" and he was sending her on loads of info and packs that he had sorted out from the internet for her etc).

I just feel like an outsider tbh. I feel like off he goes to work at 7am and doesn't get home til 7.30, I feel he lives his life there and when he gets home I get the dreggs of the man. He wants to relax then, not tell me the jokes he told people in the office, he wants to chill out and watch tv/use laptop not chat about general affairs/amazing stuff happening (he has lots of interests and is always full of facts etc).

Perhaps this is just me doing some growing up that was necessary years ago but I feel quite frustrated by it as well.

I'll leave you all alone for a while and give you an update next wk.

Thanks so much for your help,

Confused - you shouldn't have to settle for the dregs. Tell him you expect him to make an effort to spend quality time with his family and reserve energy for what should be the most important part of his life. Not his job.

He sounds like he's being a selfish pig and your low self esteem is allowing you to accept it.

Work on your issues in counselling, and this will give you the strength to address his failings.

Wishing you lots of luck hun.
xxx

Thanks for the update. I agree that you need to have trust in a relationship and he will not want to feel like you are checking up on him.

But, it takes 2 and he needs to make you feel secure and happy so you do trust him.

However unreasonable he felt your request was to not have anything to do with Jean, at the end of the day he agreed to it and then lied to you. Now you have found out he needs to make you feel confident enough in your relationship and in yourself to be able to handle him working with this woman.

I hope your counselling goes well and you can sort this out with your dh.

JLT2nd - when I say his family should be the most important part of his life he says he's working hard for his career for his family so I should be more understanding. It is difficult for me to know when it's my paranoia being unreasonable or when it's him being selfish/wanting it all his way.

Not sure how to manage things until I get the counselling - they couldn't tell me when I will get a session, the other organisation have a 6 wk waiting list and the other one I am being referred for through work.

Kezza - he says my request was unreasonable and that he has done nothing wrong so he will continue to have contact with Jean because if he doesn't he'll spend the whole time thinking of her - "I want a coffee but is Jean in the kitchen?" etc.

I still feel that I want to meet Jean (can't do what MB suggested and invite her round because she lives miles away in other direction and doesn't have a boyfriend and I don't know any suitable dinner invitees that would make a good evening). I can't go along to one of the work night outs because no partners go along and it's not like I work close by. Arggh!

How long do you think it's reasonable for me to accept the "I don't tell you anything because you react badly to it". - how can I have chance not to react if he's never going to tell me anything?

On friday night, before things got better, I said to him that I feel one thing that would help me move on (I find it hard not to say "oh and can we just agree that you won't do this/or this is overstepping the mark) is if he did change jobs like he offered to back in May. He got angry and said no way, he's not ready to and that's ridiculous. I did ask him what was more important the marriage or the job and he said it's my jealousy that'll be the ending of the marriage not his job.

Sorry, I tend to go on and on rather than just saying thanks for your replies!