Fiancé revealed something the other day...

[Serenstar83]

Hi, I really need some advice.

I've been with my partner for 4 months and we recently got engaged. It's quick, but we feel more for each other than we ever have for anyone else and just feels 'right'.

He makes me laugh, feel safe, wanted, loved, I have three children that he is great with and he is just generally a lovely guy...perfect for me I would say.

However. The other day we were chatting about something, and he revealed that years ago he had been paid to beat people up! He was very vague and refuses to discuss it in any more detail, saying it was the past and none of my business, but obviously I feel very uncomfortable with this...he can't understand why, saying everyone else he has mentioned it to has seen his point of view "eventually" - that it was just a job to him and "premeditated, I'd never go out and beat someone up after going out on the lash or anything".

He also today revealed that "I wake up angry and go to bed angry, during the day is hard work but I can control it".
I've seen a few hints of possible...mental illness maybe...? - he gets very visibly anxious sometimes; scratching his head or arms (not hard) and seems visibly worked up, but it passes fairly quickly especially if I mention it. The other day he went shopping for me and couldn't find the cheese I had asked for, came back and said he had almost burst into tears over not being able to find this cheese. He said it's very out of character for him and his head feels 'muddled' at the moment.

On occasion he seems different, a kind of cold look in his eye and he has said that people have mentioned this before. He also said that an ex paid for private counselling for him once but it didn't help at all.

What worries me is earlier I asked if he would see his GP and try to get referred to the local mental health team to get checked over if I asked him to and he said that no, he never would as he doesn't see the need. He is "fine and able to control it" and he doesn't see the point in getting checked out, even if I feel very uncomfortable with him not getting checked over.

We were sort of arguing when this last bit was brought up so maybe he might be more willing to try and see a doctor at another time, but I am really worried about this past beating people up thing, and the fact he says he gets angry when he wakes up and goes to sleep. He says he has past issues that he thinks has caused this but I know he would never hurt me or my children at all.

I feel so happy with him, and I do trust him, feel safe, all of that. But am I right to be concerned about his past or should I just get over it and move on?

dobedobedobe- No the OP says that SHE has convictions for harassment, assault and criminal damage and she blames her anxiety. So far, the fiance has not been violent to her, although she has thrown a phone at his head.

That is better people, let's hope she is a troll though.

I think you're mad to consider letting the relationship continue personally - knowing someone through work is nowhere near on a par with really knowing that person. The world is full of people who have made the mistake of thinking that because they're known someone for years and seen no sign of a particular behaviour this means they are 'good' in a relationship.

If you're determined to carry on, and who are we to tell you otherwise, just be sensible. Do not allow your children to form any more of an attachment to him an this stage and slow things down. What's the rush? Everything is relative, but IMO it take a good couple of years, several stressful situations and a few discussions over issues you have polar opposite views on before you can really say you know someone and can accurately predict their behaviour.

This isn't real.

Don't know what to make of this. She has convictions for violence and is clearly baiting him (blocking his way etc.). She still has violent tendencies - the phone incident. But none of it's her fault of course! (Anxiety, etc.). She is meeting up with her violent ex, as friends?? At the very least, she sounds like a drama queen who is getting off on all this, and probably things this is a great romance against all the odds, etc. etc. He is probably a compulsive liar - the "vigilante" nonsence, and claims to have done music business close protection. Really? Angry all the time? That never ends well. That's if any of it is true.

However, IF it is true, those poor kids. Who is considering them?

Firstly you've gone from one type of abusive relationship into another's. Trust me his type can know the vulnerable and play on their needs.

Secondly, if he was into martial arts he's breached the conditions for doing this - you are only supposed to use martial arts foe defences, not offence.

My ex partner was always angry, sexual or weepy and very intense-- it was beyond draining. He could be violent too as well as other things.

Why even chance it that he wouldn't lose his temper? Ok maybe not with you or the kids but what about a good male friend gives you a hug and he doesn't like it?

Think real carefully about this op. We are saying this as we care.

Wind up. I hope.

Sorry. I'm not a troll. And have been at work today so no time to come on here.

We talked earlier this evening.

I asked him to explain the past stuff and he said...it came about around ten years ago from a conversation in the pub. Him and some mates, one was owed five grands worth of debt and someone said if he was able to get someone to go round with a baseball bat and threaten the debtor, the money would probably be paid. This mate agreed but said something like "where would you find someone to do that though?" And my partner piped up asking how much it would be worth for him to do it.
In the end, he went and threatened the guy, punched him a couple of times, got him to repay the debt and my partner was paid £500 by his friend. Apparently any of those 'jobs' he did were debt related and two to three punches were always enough to get me to repay the debt.

Still sounds awful. But I'm not naive enough to think this kind of thing never happens... He says he would never do it now and isn't proud of it, but isn't ashamed either. It is what it is.

He has agreed that I can go with him to his GP and explain everything I have said in this post, and try and get him assessed under the local mental health team.

We are also taking things more slowly - he came over to talk, we will spend an hour or so together tomorrow and carry on like that rather than 24/7 contact.

Oh and the angry all the time thing, he said what it actually is, is it goes through phases. If he is happy with life in general then it's not so bad, if me and him are getting on then he has no anger or stress at all. He's had a bad year; lost a job contract as he was self employed so couldn't pay his rent, had to sleep on the streets for six weeks (which is how he became involved with our charity do I know it is true as seen it first hand) and is only now getting his life back on track, with a new job and house.

Well, that was quickly sorted out.

Who'd have thought it would be that easy.

Well that's ok then...... what a out your anger issues a swell then OP? Are you going to seek help?

How has this explanation made it any better?!

He was (and still will be) a violent person, prepared to do illegal things for money. I bet it was for drug debts as well.

Who in their right mind would invite this person into their home, their children's lives?

I can sense I am wasting words...

Look.

Two people with anger issues and mental health problems who have not properly sorted out their lives are not a good combination. Are they?

I'm sure you feel as though you are star crossed lovers what with all the difficulty and drama you are going through just to be together but you need a knock on the head and to realise that it's your children who matter in this. They've been through enough with you being violently attacked. They do not deserve being put in this situation.

You shouldn't be in a relationship at all - you need to sort out your own anger issues and take responsibility for your own criminal behaviour, rather than blaming it on anxiety.

He needs to sort himself out and you need to not be involved with him at all, after everything you have been through, never mind waiting to see if it turns out ok in the end...

I hope someone is looking out for your children OP as both his and your temper issues need resolving and I fear you are a toxic mix.

If the phone had hit one of your DC would you have expected they 'realise' it was an accident and put it down to your anxiety?

I don't think any of that sounds any better.

He's a dangerous person to get involved with. He may be fine, he may find those anger issues come storming out. I can't really understand why you'd take the risk when you have children, really can't. What do they get from this man being in your life?

Ffs your priority is your dcs!

There are other better men in the world.

Move on, now.

You are both violent. I wonder how much aggression your children have witnessed in their lives?

Sort your life out for your defenceless children. Leave this man and get help for your own anger issues before they learn and end up violent like you.

You have a conviction for assault, you have recently assaulted him. It's not only him who has issues is it? Plus you leaped right in to an engagement - both of you, no matter who proposed. It isn't the behaviour of someone who is emotionally healthy enough to be with anyone else, his obvious issues aside.

A few more morsels to chew on from the Op.

No mention of the DC still though.

I hope if this is true you put them first in RL

You appear not to in a very big way.

And yes, you did assault him, no matter what you tell yourself about the phone you threw not being meant to hit him. You were angry, you threw the phone near to him, even if it hadn't hit him and the anger wasn't about him that would still be an assault and he could have had you arrested. Don't minimise this behaviour, it's neither normal nor acceptable.

Skated over all the questions about yourself, I see.

This is bullshit.

OK I think anyone is mad wanting to marry someone after just 4 months, let alone someone who obviously has deep dark disturbing secrets and a mental instability. NO ONE, NO ONE IS WORTH RISKING THE SAFETY OF YOUR CHILDREN, OR YOUR OWN SAFETY FOR THAT MATTER. This sounds like the background of someone you hear about on the news AFTER he's murdered his wife and children. For heavens sake just get out and leave it while you still can. Surely regardless of his worrying behaviour you wouldn't want to be with someone who willingly inflicted pain onto another human being??

Get out, get out while you can. Don't become another statistic.