New romance with boyfriend gone very wrong;-(( help please

[KatieMaddocks]

Hi all,
Something I would like to share and get your help on, it was hard to write this out so please do not be unkind.
I met a guy online and our courtship and romance started off quite fast, he did all the planning, pursuing, courting and reaching out to me as well as calling, texting and making sure we have plans. we've been seeing each other for almost 3 months now, twice a week (Wednesday evening for a date in town) and on Saturday when we spend the whole day together and I stay over at his house.

We enjoy each other's company but have delved into conversations about children, family, marriage as I am 35 and had been married (no kids) before, he is 44, never married/no kids. I have voiced a desire to have a family soon with the right person, he said he wants the same. He has said he does not believe in marriage - parents divorced when he was 10 - and that he can have kids and 'then see if marriage can be on the cards'.

I am not entirely happy with it as it means he has 100% commitment from me and no recognition on paper/formally. He does say he loves me, he said it first and pursued me, but now calls less and rarely texts, also we met on Wednesday after a great weekend and he said that he was going on a finance course the next day and wanted us to finish early. I asked him if he wanted to meet at all, as he seemed distracted, a little aloof/cold and did not compliment me on my dress, looks - which he rarely does anyway, less to nothing now - and was not in a hugging/affectionate mood. I told him in a bar that I would love to see his affection and emotions and that I really like if we're tender with each other. He told me he has come out to meet only because I 'would give him grief if we didn't meet on Wednesday' and that I 'always pick an argument'.
I feel I cannot discuss the affection issue with him, he closes off and sees it as me nagging him. It felt like I was an old wife he got bored of and we're only dating 3 months!

Needless to say, I was upset, he saw me off home, did not get out of the car to say goodbye and walk me to my house. I invited him in, he declined. He wanted a kiss, I briefly kissed him and jumped out of his fancy car. He was angry I did not properly kiss him and I ended up saying why don't you come up for 5 mins? Big mistake. We ended up having sex which was mediocre (unlike before), he left and said 'cheers' on his way out....!!! Then returned realising it's wrong and just to almost tick the box said 'love ya'.

I feel like he has intimacy issues and does see me as wife/GF material but is not in love with me. He cannot say it to me face to face, plus if I bring up affection, hugs and kisses or calling during the week he gets angry and defensive. I do not know what to do and feel awful as it feels like he lost interest after hunting a beautiful girl down (he told me he was very proud a beautiful girl like me went out with him).

I feel broken hearted, upset and not loved/respected because of his recent treatment and how he talks to me on a daily basis (no compliments, cute words, no feelings.)

I played by the rules, did not pursue him, did never call him, rarely returned calls. What happened and is there a future here? Am I blind and need to move on if he does not appreciate me?

Another fact is that I am a high earner compared to him 9 years younger and have a really good job/lifestyle which he does not have to the same extent. Being a macho and a red-blooded male male, it does bother him I think. Nothing I can do about it, but thought it's important to point out. I love him the way he is, and my only criticism is absence of emotions/affection/hugs and compliments, as I am a fairly good looking girl who is used to swim in men's attention and adoration.

He does also routinely swear at waiters, people in cars and sometimes me - he has called me a 'dick' when I unbuttoned his shirt's top button, 'an arsehole', and told me 'not to behave like a bitch'. I find this really shocking as my mum and dad never speak like this, but he says it is okay and he is not meaning anything nasty by it.

What is your advice on this for the future? It was hard writing this and I really would like your point of view. I love him but not sure how/if this can work which fills me with fear and sadness.

I think Chilli nailed it... but I'm not calling what she said.

Another wellwisher...

Wow, KM. You seem to have lost it, rather. I think you should stick to real life for a while rather than wildly slagging off all of the people in the country you've chosen to live in.

I thought you were hiding the thread OP?!

Despite you seeming to turn on anyone who criticises you, you actually have valid concerns re this relationship and you seem to be intelligent, attractive and have some good points.

At 35 though expecting attention/compliments etc just because you're good-looking and got men's attention and adoration in the past is rather immature. If a man pays you attention or a compliment he can be saying it for any reasons...

I seriously think you should read the relationships board (as another poster here said) or even a self help book so you stop seeking validation from men you hardly know on such superficial matters.

You don't seem confident re above.

and yes 3 months is far too soon for someone to profess their love and should be seen as a red flag. I've had it and it was one.

ah well I'll get shot down now and called 'bitter, twisted, not having much in my life' by you, OP. so here, have a

oh dear OP - I think you are crackers.... I'm vile and evil, oh

step away from the keyboard now (this was written after i read your 2nd gem!)

Someone should point the OP to AIBU...

PS I hope Katie Maddocks doesn't mind you're impersonating her or using her name... I took the liberty of looking up the name online, very easy to do.

rather worrying if you're stalking or whatever some poor real life woman (who just happens to be British).

not at all...

I am not seeking validation from anyone. Yes, I could be more confident but in the 'relationship' with him became less confident as he put me down. I realised now how many things were wrong, my list of 'bad things' is very very long. I overreact as I've never been in a situation where someone took advantage and played me like this. Sure, it happened but not by blindly lying into my face about feelings, love, future etc. That's why I am upset. And he won't even bear punishment and continue doing it to other women.

The bitching is now turning to bullying and it's really not ok.

Just live and let live.

AIBU or is the fact I'm not in a caring relationship entirely the fault of Britain and SuperFlyHigh

Twinklestein, going to close this now. So many bitter people on the site, who are accessing it for the sheer reason of insulting one.

I did not attack anyone, nor belittled them, only defending my position.

This is a weird online game with no real souls behind PC screens, me thinks.

I've had enough.

Look, I'm no nationalist, but how would you feel if someone spoke about the place where you are from in these terms:

Maybe if this nation wasn't as stuck up, cold, emotionally f&&&ed and repressed we would not have problems

I had a ton of sympathy for you at the start of this thread - I really did. I tried to be supportive. But you are also being unpleasant, OP, and I don't think it's right to play the victim.

Ah this is getting unpleasant and personal now.

Katie if the thread is no longer helping, you don't have to keep reading and posting. You have had 16 pages of advice and support here in a very fast-moving thread.

I agree with Goodbyemylove, you've had some good advice Katie, I would contact MN and ask for the thread to be deleted, otherwise it will just keep on in this vein.

*all women on this forum

Peace and love already people

I've given you my 2 cents worth OP - I reiterate I think you have confidence problems and need validation from men even though you think you don't lack confidence and need validation. Until you address both those issues you will keep finding men like this ex-BF or attract them.

I didn't actually attack you OP first off... I think it was you attacking me hence my attacks back. You're lucky I didn't report your nastiness.

OP, reading your posts reminds me of the sort of thing I would have written at about the age of 18.

I'm not sure what advice to give, without sounding cruel. This man is a knob, you have a lucky escape (I think, I got a little confused about the pregnancy / contraception thing). But perhaps you could do with doing something which really challenges you, maybe you might find that you 'grow' as a result?

I live in Essex and this thread has really creeped me out.

A. farmer boy.
B. He talks about threatening to shoot you.
C. It is coming up to the 30th anniversary of the murders at Tolleshunt Darcy.

The way the OP is talking the name Jeremy Bamber kept running through my head. I was only 12 when it happened in early August 1985. This part of Essex was in deep shock

JB is still inside obviously but this thread has given me shivers. And not nice ones.

Helena christ it's a bit of a leap bringing Jeremy Bamber into the thread isn't it?!