New romance with boyfriend gone very wrong;-(( help please

[KatieMaddocks]

Hi all,
Something I would like to share and get your help on, it was hard to write this out so please do not be unkind.
I met a guy online and our courtship and romance started off quite fast, he did all the planning, pursuing, courting and reaching out to me as well as calling, texting and making sure we have plans. we've been seeing each other for almost 3 months now, twice a week (Wednesday evening for a date in town) and on Saturday when we spend the whole day together and I stay over at his house.

We enjoy each other's company but have delved into conversations about children, family, marriage as I am 35 and had been married (no kids) before, he is 44, never married/no kids. I have voiced a desire to have a family soon with the right person, he said he wants the same. He has said he does not believe in marriage - parents divorced when he was 10 - and that he can have kids and 'then see if marriage can be on the cards'.

I am not entirely happy with it as it means he has 100% commitment from me and no recognition on paper/formally. He does say he loves me, he said it first and pursued me, but now calls less and rarely texts, also we met on Wednesday after a great weekend and he said that he was going on a finance course the next day and wanted us to finish early. I asked him if he wanted to meet at all, as he seemed distracted, a little aloof/cold and did not compliment me on my dress, looks - which he rarely does anyway, less to nothing now - and was not in a hugging/affectionate mood. I told him in a bar that I would love to see his affection and emotions and that I really like if we're tender with each other. He told me he has come out to meet only because I 'would give him grief if we didn't meet on Wednesday' and that I 'always pick an argument'.
I feel I cannot discuss the affection issue with him, he closes off and sees it as me nagging him. It felt like I was an old wife he got bored of and we're only dating 3 months!

Needless to say, I was upset, he saw me off home, did not get out of the car to say goodbye and walk me to my house. I invited him in, he declined. He wanted a kiss, I briefly kissed him and jumped out of his fancy car. He was angry I did not properly kiss him and I ended up saying why don't you come up for 5 mins? Big mistake. We ended up having sex which was mediocre (unlike before), he left and said 'cheers' on his way out....!!! Then returned realising it's wrong and just to almost tick the box said 'love ya'.

I feel like he has intimacy issues and does see me as wife/GF material but is not in love with me. He cannot say it to me face to face, plus if I bring up affection, hugs and kisses or calling during the week he gets angry and defensive. I do not know what to do and feel awful as it feels like he lost interest after hunting a beautiful girl down (he told me he was very proud a beautiful girl like me went out with him).

I feel broken hearted, upset and not loved/respected because of his recent treatment and how he talks to me on a daily basis (no compliments, cute words, no feelings.)

I played by the rules, did not pursue him, did never call him, rarely returned calls. What happened and is there a future here? Am I blind and need to move on if he does not appreciate me?

Another fact is that I am a high earner compared to him 9 years younger and have a really good job/lifestyle which he does not have to the same extent. Being a macho and a red-blooded male male, it does bother him I think. Nothing I can do about it, but thought it's important to point out. I love him the way he is, and my only criticism is absence of emotions/affection/hugs and compliments, as I am a fairly good looking girl who is used to swim in men's attention and adoration.

He does also routinely swear at waiters, people in cars and sometimes me - he has called me a 'dick' when I unbuttoned his shirt's top button, 'an arsehole', and told me 'not to behave like a bitch'. I find this really shocking as my mum and dad never speak like this, but he says it is okay and he is not meaning anything nasty by it.

What is your advice on this for the future? It was hard writing this and I really would like your point of view. I love him but not sure how/if this can work which fills me with fear and sadness.

Superflyhigh I am not fake, nor is my background any of what you described. I am a white Eauropean.

I am not impressed by his car, we talked about it as I told him it's a player's car and did not like he bought it. Obviously it is not my decision. His lifestyle is very modest otherwise.

Anyway, I have not responded to him and wrote this here because my heart hurts. And I felt like sharing.

Ah Eastern European. Anyway one who's impressed by a Porsche.

Cmon you mentioned his car more than once the model etc. and other superficial stuff.

Anyway you'll probably run back into his abusive arms, have a baby then wonder why he's such a dick afterwards.

For a 35 year old woman you really need to get some common sense re men.

I am out of this thread.

I do think you seem quite needy, tbh. I can see why he is acting disinterested, if you're needing compliments and cuddles and lovey dovey talk all the time.

You are right, looks that way. He told me he is still talking to his ex. Who is 15 years younger, allegedly a student he lived with for 4 years (she probably wanted rent free accommodation and then left). Why are they talking? I find it strange.

Also he is SUPER protective of his phones, two ipads and laptop. All is locked with a code, you can't even check the weather!!

You are wrong. I am not from E Europe. And talked about his car because he talks about it ALL the time!!!
I don't care if he has or hasn't got a vehicle, I do not drive and walk everywhere myself. You are very harsh.

Anyway, thanks for taking care to post. This is all post break up agony, not a way to fall into his arms. Just to be clear.

Women generally don't mention cars very much.

Not ALL the time!! Sometimes, at least once a week? I want someone who can and wants to hug. Too much??? Wow!! That's why Britain is known for being a 'cold shoulder'.....
No lovey dovey talk, but not yo hug after making love? Or just because? Yes, I like hugs and want that.

He told me on a first date how much he loves hugging, snuggling etc.

Anyway, I will take myself off here as a needy person doesn't want to be bashed for expressing desire for affection.

It just gets better and better.

You are warped , who is Katie Maddocks ?, 'cause it sure isn't you.

The British are known for their stiff upper lip, but this isn't a lip issue it's an arsehole issue. He's just an unpleasant person.

But it's true that British are generally more reserved, less demonstrative than other cultures, at a guess I'd say you're probably Mediterranean...

Katie FFS, stop analysing him and just get it into your head that he's just not that into you. He doesn't want you to dump him because that would bruise his ego, not because he gives a shit about you. He wants to keep you around because you save him having a wank! He doesn't give a shit about you, which is why he behaves like he doesn't care. The more needy you are with him the more of an irritation you'll be and the more pathetic he'll think you are. It's as simple as that. No wonder posters are losing patience with you.

Ok. Am not talking to him. It's done.

Phew.

Agree you need to be blunt with him and tell him straight out the relationship isn't working for you rather than just suddenly go silent on him. Otherwise, he'll keep messaging you and all the drama/upset will just continue as you agonise over it (which after only 3 months with him, you do seem to be doing a bit too much!).

Be clear with him where you stand, then delete/block any ways for him to contact you. You deserve better. Stop wasting time and head space on this idiot.

Why are posters turning nasty? I don't think the OP deserves a verbal bashing, does she? Katie, well done for starting to pull away, now you just need to end it with clarity and tell him that the relationship isn't working for you. If you need hugs, you deserve to get them!!! Nothing wrong with that (I'm not British either, by the way, but I have been here for years.) I met my DH online and like a previous poster said you have to look closely when men aren't married into their 40s. My DH had some "player" qualities for sure at 41, and I had dated a fair few!! He had a car that fairly shouted "boy racer." But we fell in love and married ten months later... So I know it CAN happen! But I feel 100 percent positive that it won't with this guy you've been dating! No hugs? No endearments? Just nasty comments, misogyny and cool indifference? Get rid!! You deserve someone who really, REALLY loves you... And if your parents had that kind of relationship, then you are one step ahead, because you know what a loving marriage looks like... So put this guy to one side, let him know you're no longer interested, and make room in your life for someone better! C'mon, just end it with him. You know you should! No drama, no silent treatment, just clarity and maturity. Be done with the horrible, macho tosspot. Best of luck to you!!

I have told him why I couldn't do it anymore on Weds night. I sent him a long text. So, really if he doesn't get it, re-read is in order. I cannot see the point in saying it again.

Edenrose, thank you for such an inspiration. I am truly grateful.

Off for my 10k walk in Surrey to clear my head......

I find it so depressing reading this thread! I hope you have kicked him into touch once and for all OP.

How is it that in 2015 there are seemingly independent intelligent women who allow men to walk over them, wave red flags in their face practically and don't make any effort or contribution to building the relationship. While women carry on making compromise after compromise, allowance after allowance for their shite behaviour, men will just enjoy it for the ride and play mindf**k games with them. Vile.

Is it the "keep 'em mean to keep 'em keen" mentality or something?

He told me on a first date how much he loves hugging, snuggling etc

Another really good tip for the future is not to listen to what people say but judge by actions. Does he huggle and snuggle a lot? Make you feel loved and appreciated? Give you a consistent sense of interest and moving forward? Is he respectful to those around him (waitress test)?

You cannot go far wrong if you judge by people's actions and how they make you feel. Words, especially said when alcohol is involved and there's the thrill of the chase, are cheap.

Oh Katie. I work in the city too, it's full of superficial knobheads who care more about appearance than substance...don't become one of them, you are more than a beautiful dress, great tan and great hair. Although I'm sure you look fab. Did he ever compliment you on your career success, your intelligence, commitment and drive, your ability to speak 4 languages? Perhaps not, but no matter, he's gone now.

I'm a career girl and my husband is a hairy arse farmer (of a kind) - he swears readily, gets road rage, can be rude and impatient and obnoxious and all round difficult to deal with. However - he adores his children (I am a step-parent), is loving and affectionate, makes me laugh uncontrollably pretty much daily, does all the home chores that I'm rubbish at (i.e all of them), and is a brilliant practical DIYer so we never want for anything in the house. Save his natural impatience, which is frustrating and makes him bad tempered, I have the best husband in the world.

And he is NEVER rude to waiters.

They are out there, this guy seemed like he might be the one but he wasn't. You are a gentle soul, don't mind the more robust views here - it takes all sorts, we're all different. It sounds like you need an equally gentle person in your life. I wish you luck.

Why not try an evening class, find someone at your intellectual level?

Oh almost forgot - whoever penned "fuck off to the far side of fuck", I salute you.

BillyDaveysdaughter, that's what I envisaged with this guy - hairy arse farmer as he put it, that I am a career girl, he is a home DIY person, father with kids, a solid one to fall back on if times are hard, reliable companion even if not an intellectual!

He did praise me on career, but I feel he is embarrassed about his own education, level of upbringing and the fact that he comes from farmer working class family and I am a posh lady in his eyes.

I do not mind it, but I think he feels uncomfortable and uneasy about this….as we sit in deferent trees. It almost annoys him and enrages him that I can speak Italian in a cafe or clarify the menu if he doesn't understand smth, it annoys him I dress too well almost he wants someone simpler…..like jello instead of creme brûlée.

I don';t know, but this is why I think he didn't compliment me, because he felt insecure in himself. I honestly think he sees it as a problem.

And he latched on to me because we talked about kids, the fact he is 45 soon and if he has a kid he'd be 62 when they graduate from school. He thought about it probably and decided to marry me with a plan of becoming rich…. Stupid, I know, but he talked about boys' name to go with his surname, the fact that he wants a plain platinum wedding band, etc. Even custody, for god's sake!!

I think different background does bother him though…but!! he may have thought I am suitable mother/wife/rich inheritance option and stuck with me. Even though he doesn't love me.

My 5p on the situation, albeit academic now.

Forgot to say, I almost never show off or speak in foreign languages because I do not want to come across as condescending, and to offend him. But he does ask me what this/that means and I tell him. I think he is proud of me but also annoyed at this 'cleverness' as he cannot match up to ??!!

Sounds awful, but it is my guy feeling.

That's why he beefs up himself, his work and success like a peacock who opens his tail….I don't know.

If it's over then speak of him in the past tense, not the present. Unless of course you're hoping to come knocking on your door declaring his undying love for you.