Cocklodger or AIBU?!

[Mugonhead]

Hi all
I've name changed for this. really could use some advice as I feel like I'm in a potentially bad situation but for some reason sort of embarrassed to talk about it in RL.

Basically it's about my dp of one year. He is in the forces and works about an hour from where I live right now (though this could change depending on his next posting this time next year.) He comes to stay at my flat every weekend religiously and often takes extra leave days which he will invariably spend at mine. I live in London and I think he misses the London lifestyle from before joining up (in his mid twenties) and definitely would rather spend any free time in London than in his posting which is in the middle of nowhere really. I love him and I miss him during the week - but something has begun to niggle at me about this since I read about cocklodgers on MN! He's a lovely guy on the face of it all, but can be manipulative of people- one of his exes still doesn't know he cheated on her for 3 months. I should say I have rubbish judgement having been in an awful EA relationship before him. So while this is long, please please bear with me and help if you can!

Basically I know he's a tight person- since we started dating he didn't really do the paying for stuff/grand gesture type thing. We have pretty much always split 50/50 and he has even had sort of rants about how much he hates women who expect the guy to pay for everything and he would never do that even on like a first date. Ok, I'm an independent woman and I don't expect the guy to pay, but looking back at that it seems a bit of a red flag. He constantly says he is broke towards the end of the month, but I know he pays about £150pcm for his room on base, and he doesn't have other big overheads except the train fare to see me at weekends which with his forces discount is not much at all. For me, I rent a typically expensive london flat by myself and also have a child whose dad doesn't pay child support (another story!) so I shoulder those costs and while I have always earned under the national average and don't have a lot of disposable income, I make ends meet. My dc and I are currently living on rapidly dwindling small savings as I was made redundant a couple of months ago, though starting a new job next month which pays the same as my old salary. And yet we are still splitting stuff 50/50 when my dp is round at weekends (everything including stuff we cook at my home though he buys me the occasional fast food) and he has never offered to pay anything towards my rent or bills despite basically living at mine when he is not at work (I realised this when I saw my address was set as "Home" on his google maps!) I asked him if he would contribute even a small bit towards my rent knowing how tiny his rent on camp is and the fact that he earns more than I ever hAve anyway. He did not like the idea and said he already has his own place (on camp) and that he only comes because he wants to see me, which is nice but it feels like he's making me feel like I should feel privileged for his company when actually it's like I've got a live in dp (especially on weeks when he has extra leave and is around for 3,4,5 days.) None of this has changed even in the period I have been out of work even though he has seen me stressed about money. Everytime I talk about money worries he starts going on about his own money stresses but I just don't get how he can have any! He always says he's spent his entire pay cheque by the end of the month which if true is impressive because even earning less than him, with a dc to singlehandedly support and a big rent and bills, I was always able to put a little bit away at the end of month.

I think he does have very expensive tastes- he thinks nothing of £40 on a tshirt, hates h&m, primark which I live in, and only likes designer. He often seems to spend about £50 on drinks when he goes out in London to meet friends (which he has done a few times while ostensibly staying At mine for the weekend, I can't usually go because of dc, but it has sometimes made me feel like a free london hotel!) he proposes we go for meals/cinema but I always feel I have to pay half as he doesn't usually say he will pay for it. I have unsurprisingly found this financially very tricky while not in work! The one time I ever griped that I didn't like him going out all night then for a brunch the next morning without even inviting me, thus seeing london friends and doing london stuff while staying in my flat, he got angry and accused me of not appreciating him coming to see me. But if it wasn't for me he couldn't live his very cherished london lifestyle iyswim? To be honest, I might not mind if he even paid anything towards my flat as he treats it like his second home and over Xmas for example he would expect to be there... Or if he took care of groceries, wine or something at weekends. Anything to make it feel a bit more fair! But I feel grumpy that he's pleading poverty when he's on a good salary, he expects 50/50 when Im not on regular income and am paying for his weekend retreat constantly, and that he can be so irresponsible in the face of it eg. Buying a "spare" phone charger at £50 for no real reason, buying a £350 coat because it was in the "sale" at selfridges, buying hair products at £18 a pop. Does he think I'm stupid?

Sorry that was so long but I just am sick of worrying about money, I don't see this changing as he has the constant excuse that he's the one making the effort to come see me and yet he doesn't see my at (where he keeps increasingly more of his stuff, comes to every weekend even if I'm thinking of making other plans with skmekne else once in a while (he sulks), and even had a key cut for "in case of emergency".) I feel like I may be being taken for a mug. I would like us to commit to a more joint financial relationship. Or is he just a cocklodger?!

Argh please help wise mumsnetters! I've been turning this over in my mind and I don't know what to do!

If he was a good guy he wouldn't make nasty remarks about a whole gender.

If he was a good guy he wouldn't expect you to put your life on hold every week, just in case he decides to visit. (If he really can't give you more notice a good guy would encourage you to get on with your life and he'd fit in around your plans.)

If he was a money concious good guy, he'd have realised that he is costing you money, alot of people who claim they they're just being 'money concious' are mean and greedy and selfish. Real money concious people will pick up on the fact someone is struggling and try to help. Did he even ask how you were managing when you were out of work?

If he was careful not to rush in, why has he been living with you for a year? Because he is you know, remember for a lot of the army population and in general, only all being together at the weekends is the norm.

OH & I lived like that for several years, that didn't mean we weren't living together, and when he was working abroad for over 2 years only seeing each other every 6 weeks, we were still living together. . . Him assuming he can come and go as he wants and having his own key cut means he sees it as His place, do you realise that?

You say he's good with your DD, when? In between naps and hangovers?

How will he cope when she becomes a teen with opinions of her own and God forbid maybe a . . . . career woman or even a feminist???

If he was a money concious good guy for your birthday he would have thought about what you might like, and got that at the best price, buying someone something they neither want or need is money wasted.

If he was a good guy who really wanted to see you, every weekend that he comes up he'd be actually spending time with you, it reads as spending any time with you is always the second option.

You say about been lonely, well you're never going to met anyone nice while you're sat waiting for him to decide if he's going to appear or not, and honestly you sound lonely now even with him in your life.

You sound great, you come across as thoughtful, caring, resourceful and intelligent in your posting, you need to start asking what is he doing to deserve me and my time?

Do you realise you're probably that couple that people look at and say what on earth does she see in him. . .

Is there any way he is actually a good guy just money conscious and careful not to rush in? Argh, can't believe I need to ask!

Oh no, my dear, there isn't. I would describe my husbsnd as money concious. He knows how to budget, what things cost and wouldn't be flashy or extravagant. He also pays his way all the time. He's not afraid of being generous. Our daughter has everything she could possibly need. Everything he does is simple and decent and as a result, he never needs to mooch off anyone.

You're with a silver plated loser right now. He's bringing you down, setting a horrible example to your child (his misogyny will taint the home) and you're out of pocket keeping him around.

Ditch the fool. You'll have extra cash to take your daughter to the zoo or somewhere in the reduction to your bills next month. Won't that be better?

A lot of what you have said about this guy reminds me of my relationship with my emotionally abusive ex. He basically just saw me when it was convenient for him, and got arsey when I asked for more of a relationship. He could do what he liked, but I should have no expectations of him. Money was not the issue, nor was accommodation.

I don't think the money stuff is actually the problem, it is a symptom. It shows that he doesn't respect you. It shows that he can't be bothered to help out when you are struggling. It shows that he doesn't really care about you.

I think you need to look at your priorities as well.
Your first priority is a relationship with a man.
Your daughters welfare is second to that.
You are Setting her up for a lifetime of shit. Is that ok with you?

Stop worrying about being depressed on your own and start worrying about her welfare. If you don't think she's worth it, she will grow up not thinking she's worth it.

I think you can access the Freedom Programme online.

You can, I posted a link up thread.

The man you describe is so so horrible. He hates feminists and stay-at-home mothers and career women. He wants it all ways, doesn't he?

You are not just settling for second best, you are settling for the lowest of the low.

If you stay with him I can promise you that sooner or later he will hit you.

OP, I had a boyfriend who from the first night he stayed at my place never left. No discussion involved and I, foolishly, let it happen, like you. His attitude was rather similar too. And he was the only abusive, emotionally and violent, partner I ever had.

OP, you need your weekends to build up your social network and regain your self-confidence.

How good is the sex? How necessary is the affirmation of having a man around some of the time? How much are these worth to you, and how much are you paying for them?

Although I'm late to the thread, I too call 'cocklodger' and suggest you LTB PDQ.

"He does have issues- but then I do too"

It doesn't matter that you have "issues" because we are talking about his issues and how they effect you, so please don't fall into the trap of thinking because you're not "perfect" (no-one is) that you deserve to put up with shit behaviour. He sounds thoroughly unpleasant and there is no reason at all that you should put up with him. The more you write the more he seems awful. You don't feel loved and valued because he doesn't love or value you, so listen to your gut.

The relationship his dad has with his mum, that's what you have to look forward to if you stay with this loser. Do you want that? Don't ever think you can change or "fix" someone because you can't.

Sorry about your turmoil OP . This man is controlling you not making plans either . He sounds horrific. I can't help wandering if you actually ever been over to where he lives and works ? He's just dipping into your and your DD's life when ever he likes . Is he actually going on all these stag do's etc ? Do you know anything about the life he leads the rest oF the week ? You have done so amazing in getting yours and your DD's life back on track since your split , it's hard being alone but you need to ask yourself if it's harder fretting about this selfish freeloading excuse of a man . X

Trust your instincts. You're not happy and feel he's using you for a mug. That's reason enough to end things. You don't owe him anything. As others have said, when your weekends are your own again you could find a few social things to do to stave off loneliness.

Oh, and another thing, he borrowed a large sum of money from his mother and five years later is complaining about having to repay it?

Just another red flag to add to all the bunting

Sorry, another vote for cocklodger...... :(

I really think, OP, you have to learn to enjoy being alone. Everything indicates that it is your fear of being alone that is making you put up with this shit, not love for this totally unloveable and unredeemable person.

I love living alone. It was hard to get used to at first, of course it was, but it so much better than having some jerk taking up house and head-space. You are young and will find someone else, but first of all, learn to enjoy your own company and see your friends.

Sorry op I agree with most here, he is using you as a free London hotel, has troubling attitudes towards women as well as money, a bad relationship template from his dad.. I bet he's not 'too busy' to give his mates notice about nights out, is he? He probably has nights all arranged in advance, while he expects you to be waiting for him with just an hour notice. Also, funny he moans about costs for cheap holiday with you, or cost of doing stuff with you, but when it comes to spending on himself and his mates money is no object?
Not that that's the main issue but our is a symptom how how far down his priorities you are.

Do you think you could get his key back easily by saying you need it for a neighbour letting a tradesman in/meter reader?

I only want to add another voice confirming everything that's already been said: change the locks first thing tomorrow and then let him know you won't be around this weekend. This man is vile. But you sound strong and smart and worth so much more than what insultingly little he's offering - I'd like to join the alone-in-a-room-for-30-minutes queue too.

There are lots of options for filling in 'alone time' that can give you a sense of achievement/companionship/support network without draining your self-confidence or finances the way this loser is.

Oh you poor girl, I can so relate to your suffering and turmoil as your post reminds me so much of a similar relationship I was in. Please, please listen to all this good advice, it's not you, it's really not. Do not fall into the trap of thinking ' if only I were a better girlfriend, more fun, a better cook etc, etc' he will not change because he is selfish. He won't be different with the next girlfriend, I promise you that because he is flawed. You sound lovely and caring and he is taking advantage of your kind and giving nature. Your self asteem is rock bottom because of how he treats you and it will only get worse. You can analyse him for ever but it won't change anything you will just become more angry and sadder at his hands. The twenty percent of good times will not make up for the 80 percent bad times. Please, please take control, you will meet someone who sees you for the gem you are.

Op my ds who's 13 is the most selfish, self centred, entitled person I know. I don't accept the behaviour you're describing from him. If he was a partner I would have finished with him, but I can't, for much less than what you're describing.

So you're enabling a selfish teenager in reality

Earlier you wrote - "I thought things could be different with us if I just cared for him and showed him I love him"

It frightens me that you write that OP because that is how people end up being abused.

I'm sorry to hear how lonely you are. What's worrying too is that you are hesitating to make plans with others as he wants you at his beck and call, the more isolated you get, the harder it will be to break away from him.

I've read great threads on here in the past from people who have become lonely and isolated and reach out for ideas on how to change, maybe do a search or start one? There's also lots of opportunity in London to find personal development courses on confidence and self-esteem if you want to go down a formal route, try adult education venues like City Lit.

Hi again. Thankyou all so much for this advice, I feel so overwhelmed that there's this support out there. Even though it's hard to hear it's made me feel quite differently about things. Since I posted my op I paid attention to the fact he barely speaks to me during the week- the last 2 nights he didn't even send a text and When I mildly asked why he had been so out of touch (had seen he had been on fb, whatsapp so it's not like he had no access), he got disproportionately angry. This had happened a lot before eg. The one time when I turned Round and said I didn't think he should come if he can't be bothered to give me notice of when- he got so furious and I backed down. I'm beginning to see he is trying to frighten me out of standing up to him. If I ever express that id like eg. More contact in the week before he turns up at will for the weekend (so he makes basically zero effort between those weekends), or more notice of him coming, he gets angry and always accuses me of going off on one. He has called me EA before which I really don't think I am becAuse I always am a target for EA! But since he said that I always feel like I can't say anything out of line or I would be EA. this thread has helped with me seeing clearly.

So after he reproached me for "checking up on him" last night (he was "preoccupied" he then said he has a day off on Friday so can come tonight. I have plans with a v old friend I never see for Friday lunch so I said that. He said he could just come anyway and hang out at my house. Arghh. I know what I need to do. I am quite nervous of the confrontation as I know he will tap into my massive guilt and self doubt. I might just write a letter and put it all in there.

I also think he might be reading this thread. He knows I go on mumsnet. I think I may be paranoid but I am so anxious at the idea of his anger etc. Wish me courage ladies!

Does he have a key, OP? Can you change the locks? You could do that and then just text him sorry, Friday doesn't work for you and in fact the whole weekend doesn't, sorry, and unfortunately he can't just come up and hang out because his key won't work as the locks have been changed.

If you don't want to tell him directly why you've done it, you could always say the landlord arranged it because of some security concern. I wouldn't normally advocate lying but he sounds like a horrible bully and clearly has form for shouting you down if you show any backbone at all.

Bollocks are you emotionally abusive. He's just getting that in so you can't accuse him of it, when you clearly have considerably more justification in doing so.

Or you could get straight to the point. Text him "I don't want you to come this weekend. Or ever again. I am ending the relationship. Please do not contact me again." Then block his number.

And change the locks before you do it.

You're really, really, REALLY not emotionally abusive. Really.

I would tell the landlord that you've just broken up with your twatty boyfriend and that you think he has got a key. Tell him that you did not get this key made and are not happy about it, hence that you would like to change the locks ASAP. The landlord will probably be very willing to help you, since the alternative is a pissed-off man potentially causing property damage.