Boyfriend won't say my name

[YellowRose08]

Very random annoyance... might seem minor to a lot of peoples problems on here but it is driving me round the bend!!

I'm in a new relationship of a few months, lovely guy, honeymoon phase, very happy ect..
However, he continues to mispronounce my first name even after I have told him and corrected him multiple times. When I first told him, he was apologetic, said he hadn't realised and he would try and get it right. However, he is still saying it wrong all the time, he's getting defensive now and saying that his way is easier for him to say and that I will 'have to accept that he cannot say it'.
I would accept it if he had a genuine speech impediment(he doesnt) and he can say it right because I've heard him! I think he's just got into the habit of saying it wrong and can't get used to the different way.
It's really getting me down though. It makes me cringe everytime he says my name. My friends give me awkward looks when they hear him say it wrong and he's introducing me to his friends with the wrong name!!
I've told him several times how annoying it is but he doesnt seem to be listening??
Am I overreacting to think it is very disrespectful?? I feel like he can't be bothered to get it right- why should I be with someone who can't make the effort to get my name right?!?!

What should I say to him?? I feel like I will explode if he says it wrong again!

Note - my name is not difficult. Its an English name, there are 2 different pronounciations and ive had it said wrong by 50% of people I meet, but its very easy to say!!

Im happy to answer anything.
What do you mean in terms of behaviour?

YellowRose, when he was dismissive about the Sunday plans, what did you physically feel? Was it a stab in the gut/heart, constriction in your throat, a blank numbness in your brain, or something else before your (healthy) anger kicked in? It was a cut. He cut you down with that. May seem petty to some (and thus explained/justified/reasoned away). But these "petty" cuts do have a cumulative effect. It is called Death By Ten Thousand Cuts.

The person that did it to me is my sister. There was an entire menu of devices she used to diminish, belittle, devalue, subordinate, invalidate, infantilize, minimize, ridicule, dismiss, and otherwise to just treat me like a doormat. Both parents are deceased and we were "so close"...but that closeness was not sincere. She would not stop it. I would ask on specific examples but she would smugly carry on. So, yes, it is emotional abuse as two different counselors informed me. It was not mentally healthy for me to continue to be exposed to that treatment as I was dysthymic from it. I disconnected from her and have not seen her since Christmas '07. And still, she is in my brain space-but managed and dismissed ASAP.

I just wanted to share this so you can have a heads up on the reality of the physical feeling of the put down so you know what it is. And to have a metaphysical understanding that it is not a good thing.

I also got out of an emotionally abusive 3 year relationship when I was 22 at uni. I broke the engagement and think often about him in the sense of: Thank God I did not marry him!

I also agree with pp who said to find your happiness from within yourself. It really isn't anyone's responsibility to make you happy (I mean that in a general "you" rather than specifically you, iyswim). Be content with yourself...you do not need a relationship to "complete" you.

I mean, was your ex also on the controlling side? Or was he lovely to you, did he respect you and be kind to you? I'm trying to see if you have a pattern in boyfriends, or if you just got unlucky with this one. :)

No my ex was not controlling at all. I definitely wore the trousers with him haha. He was very loving x

So just unlucky with this one then - and since you've had one nice bloke who treated you properly, you can see that this isn't right anyway.

Listen, I get the lust thing - the most lust I ever had with a boyfriend was with the abusive wanker I was with for luckily a short time before he moved on to pastures new (I wasn't as loose-fisted with the money as he needed) - your hormones do NOT help you!

Not every guy is going to treat you the way you would have treated them.

Just like you would not treat every guy interested in you the same way.

One guy who is head over heals for you. But you only quite like him, like hanging around with him but he doesn't fill your dreams.

Similar with this. You may really want a loving equal relationship with him, but he only wants a relationship where you follow his instructions.

The trick is to find someone who feels the same about you as you do about him.

That doesn't mean there is something wrong with you, just as it doesn't means there is something wrong with the guy head over heals in love with you.

It just means it is not right.

OP, a while back SwearyGodmother posted a link to 'The Loser', to which you responded "theres only one that really resonates and thats the short tempered one". Since then you've posted more details about his behaviour, and I think you should have a read at it again. I think you've been misdirected by the extreme examples given and so discounted the underlying behaviour. Those extreme examples are only ever going to occur in a relationship where 'The Loser' has already established his control. Try to consider them as characteristics, and what milder expressions of those characteristics would look like. I would suggest:

1. Quick Attachment and Expression - "He has told me he loves me several times but Ive never said it to him." After a few short months.

1. Frightening Temper - you'd already noticed that in his driving.

1. Killing Your Self-Confidence - he's happy to correct your pronunciation. And you feel embarrassed to correct his (of your NAME!). It's affecting your confidence, you're questioning yourself.

1. The Mean and Sweet Cycle - I think you've just hit your first mean part of the cycle, and you are suitably confused by it. Interestingly he chose to bring up all the things he had done for you - maybe done deliberately to establish the sweet part of the cycle?

1. It’s Always Your Fault - "He said I'm making him feel bad". And from your first post "he's getting defensive now and saying that his way is easier for him to say and that I will 'have to accept that he cannot say it'." So definitely taking no responsibility for his own actions, is he?

1. Breakup Panic - well he's tried to head that off at the pass by crying (mentioned in The Loser) and making you feel "I'm scared that he will harm himself if I do break things off or ask for space from him"

11. Public Embarrassment - he is causing you that by constantly mispronouncing your name in front of your friends. You may be far from saying nothing in public, but you already feel too embarrassed to correct him in public.

12. Bad Stories - I'd say telling you he is controlling would come under this heading. "Listen to these stories – they tell you how you will eventually be treated and what’s coming your way."

13. Discounted Feelings/Opinions - you've told him it upsets you, he's discounted that. Many times.

Your gut has told you there is something wrong, else why would you have posted on MN in the first place? But it's been vague, couldn't-put-your-finger-on-it kind of wrong. So hard to deal with, it rather paralyses you.

Maybe you should devise a plan OP.

Stop weighing stuff up - did he mean that, is he really sorry? etc. But give yourself a week or maybe two to do nothing, Constant wondering is exhausting.

Instead mull over how it might be if you are BF free. Nice thoughts.

Might you go away for a week somewhere nice for a break? Will some tiresome friends be out of your life then? Are there things you have put off as he isn't interested in them?

Then see how you feel when the set date arrives.

I disagree with this Biscuit:
"He had a depressive episode and confided in the OP. You are all saying, if someone admits to suffering from depression you should dump them."
No-one actually said that. He didn't just tell the OP he had depression and suicidal thoughts, he told her that he would have harmed himself if it wasn't for her. There is a world of difference. He is placing responsibility for his mental health - for his existence! - on her. That's not normal or healthy, especially given the short length of time they've been together. It's manipulative because it makes her afraid to break up with him.
Nonetheless, even if he hadn't brought her into it, and had "just" told her about his depression, I would still advise caution. A suicidal person needs professional help and is probably not in the right place to start a healthy relationship. If there were no other red flags (but there are in this case!) I would suggest taking it very slow.

I mean this is the nicest possible way, just dump him already.

My current partner suffers from depression. When it affects him things are tough and I find it hard to know how to help him with it.

But he is a wonderful, good and decent man. He has NEVER made me feel responsible for his mental health, not once. He has never made feel like I must stay with him or else something awful will happen. He doesn't try to make me feel sorry for him. In fact when it's affecting him he tries to hide it from the rest if the family as he's worried about the effect it might have on us (he shouldn't but that's a different story).

Also there is a sense of it being an illness, in that it's not with him all the time, and that it's something he wants to fight to get better, easier said than done when suffering from it but still there is an underlying knowledge that it is something he could be free from.

DP has never got so low he's attempted suicide thank goodness. The people I do know who have attempted suicide however did it quietly, without first telling anybody or making anyone feel they must act to stop them. Those who are still alive are by chance, one because of a stranger stumbling across them, and another because a close friend had a gut feeling something was not quite right. Both entered the mental health system after as they were very ill. It is thankfully now a part of their lives they have been able to put behind them. A dear friend of DP's was sucessful in his attempt sadly. No one knew what he was about to do, he just did it.

With my manipulative ex on the other hand, he would threaten suicide, and make me feel I was responsible for keeping him alive by being with him. He talked about it much more than doing anything about it. He did eventially make a few suicide "attempts" but i can see clearky now they were (largely sucessful) attempts to manipulate me, not to end his life.

Also, outside of when my arsehole ex was having an "episode" there was no sense of him being ill, or of it being something he needed to fight to get well again. It was just something he pulled out of the bag every now and then.

He also dragged other people into the whole drama. Once for example after I tried to leave him, he got really drunk and told a friend of mine he had overdosed on loads of painkillers.
She called me, I called the ambulance and she sat with him till I came.

I stayed with him and dealt with the police (they always attend suicide 999s I think) and went with him to the hospital and stayed there all night with him. They had him on a drip. In the morning they got the results of a blood test back. Nothing in his blood. He lied about how many pills he took. Even then I didn't see how clearly it had been done to manipulate me.
How fucking selfish of him to waste everyone's time care and precious resources. The thing that makese angriest though is that my friend he was with lost a close family member to suicide He knew that and yet still put her through that in an attempt to manipulate me. How low can a person be?

Of course none of us know the OP's BF and there is a chance he really is suffering from depression. But from what she's said, it sounds an awful lot more like manipulation than depression.

He has just text me saying 'hi honey how are you? Hope you're ok?'

So he doesnt even wanna spend time with me but he hopes I'm ok? (I hadn't replied to his text about cancelling sunday)

I don't want to feel head fucked. I want someone consistent who I know where I stand with. Not someone acting hot and cold or being unpredictable. I want someone who can't wait to spend time with me, not someone who makes me feel rejected and that they can happily go days without seeing me. Eugh.

Thankyou so much everyone, I'm so grateful to everyone who has taken the time to read and comment.

I know you are all probably just getting frustrated with me, but I'm getting there, whilst he's blowing me off he is making it easier for me to be angry and get rid. It's when he starts being nice that I lose strength.

If it is this much hard work, this early on, imagine what it will be like 6months down the line. Cut your losses now, spend some time on your own, get to know yourself well (learn how to love yourself too), then start thinking about letting someone worthwhile into your life.

So he's determined to avoid using your name altogether now and sticking to the fail safe "Honey?"

Reply 'Brill thanks, having a lovely time!!'

hehe, enough to make him wonder what you're up to. Then don't respond to ensuing txts

I second Scooby there.
It's because you haven't responded to his cancellation. He hopes you're not ok.

Text "I'm great thanks...weekends are the best!" then be too busy to respond to the inevitable enquires about what it is you're doing that you're enjoying so much.

Classic behaviour of a Passive Aggressive control freak.

This must be a huge amount to take in. Good luck. I hope everything works out for you.

Pictish and Scooby have it right, he wants to know that you're not alright, and he's made you anxious/upset.

If you want to reply do so very positively - you're busy, having a great time. Then balls to him.

Just ignore him, he's fishing for attention. All this shit is designed to have you panicking, scurrying back to him, enabling him to call you someonelses name, depersonalising you, and slowly breaking you.

But he's misjudged it, shown his colours too soon. Rumbled. Don't worry tho lovely yellow, he'll perfect his treatment of others and eventually get his victim to break into a million pieces, but it's not going to be you, we're not going to allow that to happen

Let him stew. Watch HIM panic. The crazier it gets, the more you know how wrong he really is.

People like him do this to people like you because of their own inferiority, not strength. HE is the one that needs his ego stroking, that has to crush you to fell bigger and better than you. He knows he can't be great, and only by destroying those by his side will he get that feeling of power.

As I say, don't mistake his tyranny as coming from strength, nothing could be further from the truth.

Don't reply, forward and focus, leave him behind. Each second he's in your life he's stealing precious time you could be spending happy by yourself or with someone that deserves you.

I ignored his message and now
he has just text me again saying 'if you're about on sunday and fancy it, we could meet for lunch?'

Wtf so now he does wanna see me? Not gonna lie I feel a small triumph. I feel like saying nope im not going to meet you whenever u click your fingers!

Told ha. Testing you.

Ignore ignore and ignore some more.

Let him sweat.

"Sorry. I've made other plans now. Enjoy your day with your family."

He calls you 'honey' - that would be game over for me. If he continually pronounced my name wrongly I'd do it back to him too and see how he reacted. 'Honey', 'Hun' and 'Babe' indicate people who are ultra conformists without an ounce of individuality in their soul. If you want conventional these people are it with bells on. They will have little tolerance for any out groups though and the sky's the limit in terms of how they might react if you ruin their public image.

Definitely "Sorry. Made other plans now." with a massive fuck off smiley face emoticon.