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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please help me to deal sensitively with dh's weight ?

113 replies

Missanneshirley · 21/07/2015 10:03

dh is piling on more and more weight. he is a physically active and fairly sporty person (runs, cycles etc) but has a hideous classic beer gut which I am struggling to deal with. I am far from a fitness freak and probably do less exercise than him, but if I know I've put on a bit of weight eg after a holiday or something, I just eat a little more sensibly for a week or so till my jeans aren't tight again! I would say that we eat fairly well as a household, we both cook, don't do take aways or anything.
so for a start I don't even understand how dh is getting so big - I suspect maybe he eats more after I go to bed ? he has a glass of whisky every night which I hate but again I think this must contribute.
it's not so much that it's physically off putting (which of course it is, but I am always mindful of the fact that I could easily have put on weight after having kids or something and would expect a bit of tolerance from him!)
but it's more the state of mind that worries me - what is he thinking? !! he can see how big he is but doesn't seem to care, almost revels in it. I would be embarrassed! (he's got gradually much bigger over the last year or so, and was positively skinny when I met him). his family have commented and I know his and my friends must just think wtf?!
I worry its the sign of mental health issues - he has previous - but he gets defensive if you broach that area as he believes himself to be cured
it seems like he has no self respect and somehow I am projecting that onto myself - does he not respect me?
getting myself in a tizzy about it!
also worried about his health - he is in a stressful job and I feel he is prime heart attack material
how should I approach this? ! tia

OP posts:
Horsemad · 21/07/2015 10:34

How tall is he and how heavy is he?

scarletforya · 21/07/2015 10:38

Are you sure he's just having the one glass of whiskey at night?

Is he binging while at work where you can't see?

I'd imagine he's secretly eating. I wouldn't collude in his denial, the defensiveness is a problem.

jossiesGiants1 · 21/07/2015 10:42

How big are we talking here. Whiskey wouldn't make you put on weight, it sounds as if he's eating loads.

Cocolepew · 21/07/2015 10:45

Would his friends really think WTF!? Confused

Cocolepew · 21/07/2015 10:45

Would his friends really think WTF!? Confused

MarchLikeAnAnt · 21/07/2015 10:46

Could he be depressed? I put on 8 stone in 1year due to depression.

pocketsaviour · 21/07/2015 10:46

Whiskey is only about 100 calories a shot - it's the least fattening form of alcohol you can drink.

Have you asked him directly if he's eating more at work? If his eating habits and exercise habits haven't changed, he should get checked out by the GP as unexplained weight gain should always be investigated.

Original poster
Missanneshirley · 21/07/2015 10:52

that's interesting re whiskey thank you i didn't know that. I honestly don't know his height or weight - he is not tall, and no excess weight anywhere else just a big gut.
he works shifts which I know can really muck up your metabolism - but he's always worked like that so not a change there.
he does eat more than me, I wondered if just bigger portion sizes plus shifts plus age just meant he couldn't maintain / lose weight as easily? eg if I have a cuppa and q biscuit he has 2 biscuits and sugar in his tea. if I have pasta and a bit of garlic bread he'll have more pasta and 3 pieces of bread. but also I am a size 8-10 small female, it stands to reason we don't eat exactly the same!
I wonder if he munches through stuff when I'm in bed - but don't see evidence of it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Missanneshirley · 21/07/2015 10:53

March did your depression cause you to over eat? or just that your metabolism changed?

OP posts:
MarchLikeAnAnt · 21/07/2015 10:57

It made me overeat. I would scoff my face secretly, eg, would eat a bag of chips on the way home from just popping out to buy milk Blush

pocketsaviour · 21/07/2015 11:04

Your metabolism does drop as you get older, and food sensitivities can also occur. Does he eat a lot of sugar and/or starch? In this case the big belly could be down to bloating.

moopymoodle · 21/07/2015 11:10

You sound pretty mean tbh. Just because somebody gets a gut on them doesn't meal they are mentally ill. Also wondering what friends must think I'd awful. A bit of a gut isn't the end of the world, maybe if he had gained 10st I'd see your point

Bubblesinthesummer · 21/07/2015 11:10

I agree with the fact he is probably eating more than you realise and that he could have depression.

I'm sure his friends don'the actually think WTF !! and I think that is an unnecessary comment

jossiesGiants1 · 21/07/2015 11:11

The odd extra biscuit and slightly bigger portions, wouldn't make you put on loads of weight. Do you think you are exaggerating this a bit.
Without knowing how much weight you think he's put on it's hard to give advice... Are we talking 10lb, 20lb , 50lb or just a jean size.

Cocolepew · 21/07/2015 11:13

How much weight do you think hes put on?

lynniep · 21/07/2015 11:22

Maybe he doesn't care? Its not the end of the world you know, having a belly. If he is physically active then maybe he just likes a bit of cake. It doesn't mean he has no self respect.

SaulGood · 21/07/2015 11:29

I actually can see your problem. Your husband works in a stressful job and has a history of mental health issues. He clearly puts stock in physical fitness and it sounds like as a couple you take pride in being active and healthy. Not caring about your appearance and actively sabotaging things which are usually important to to you, are sometimes linked to mental health issues. Plus, the reliance on a daily whiskey to unwind, refusal to discuss certain issues. The weight is a symptom I think.

I too would worry because his health and happiness are suffering. DH suffered from a period of depression and the first thing that suffered was his ability to maintain levels of fitness and a healthy diet. Second was sleep. Third was being honest about how he was feeling.

I don't know how you deal with it I'm afraid. Suggest you want to get fitter together? Have a break away and talk frankly, openly and gently about how he's feeling?

I shan't attack you for being concerned about somebody you love.

Original poster
Missanneshirley · 21/07/2015 11:32

I think it's just so at odds with his character - if anything he's a bit vain, likes nice clothes, spends time grooming etc. I honestly have no idea re weight amounts - I don't even know how much I weigh and as I say have always relied on the "can i do up my jeans" method of weight "control"!
he has a very big beer belly, hangs right over his waistband, clothes don't fit, he moves differently because of it.
even if I wasn't bothered with the appearance of it, surely it's a health concern? (he's the wrong side of 40)

OP posts:
Cocolepew · 21/07/2015 11:34

That's definitely not one whiskey at night then.

Cocolepew · 21/07/2015 11:35

That's definitely not one whiskey at night then.

Cocolepew · 21/07/2015 11:35

That's definitely not one whiskey at night then.

Original poster
Missanneshirley · 21/07/2015 11:35

Saulgood has expressed my concerns perfectly!!
I suppose I just have to find a time to talk about it - I think it will just lead to him losing his temper I suspect Sad

OP posts:
Cocolepew · 21/07/2015 11:36

Sorry! Phone playing up

Cocolepew · 21/07/2015 11:36

Sorry! Phone playing up

Dowser · 21/07/2015 11:39

My friends husband was like this. Tall and thin from the back, huge tum at the front despite being very sporty and dieting.

Turned out he was having bladder problems. He was holding about 2 litres. He's had an operation and it's gone down to a more normal size.