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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please help me to deal sensitively with dh's weight ?

113 replies

Missanneshirley · 21/07/2015 10:03

dh is piling on more and more weight. he is a physically active and fairly sporty person (runs, cycles etc) but has a hideous classic beer gut which I am struggling to deal with. I am far from a fitness freak and probably do less exercise than him, but if I know I've put on a bit of weight eg after a holiday or something, I just eat a little more sensibly for a week or so till my jeans aren't tight again! I would say that we eat fairly well as a household, we both cook, don't do take aways or anything.
so for a start I don't even understand how dh is getting so big - I suspect maybe he eats more after I go to bed ? he has a glass of whisky every night which I hate but again I think this must contribute.
it's not so much that it's physically off putting (which of course it is, but I am always mindful of the fact that I could easily have put on weight after having kids or something and would expect a bit of tolerance from him!)
but it's more the state of mind that worries me - what is he thinking? !! he can see how big he is but doesn't seem to care, almost revels in it. I would be embarrassed! (he's got gradually much bigger over the last year or so, and was positively skinny when I met him). his family have commented and I know his and my friends must just think wtf?!
I worry its the sign of mental health issues - he has previous - but he gets defensive if you broach that area as he believes himself to be cured
it seems like he has no self respect and somehow I am projecting that onto myself - does he not respect me?
getting myself in a tizzy about it!
also worried about his health - he is in a stressful job and I feel he is prime heart attack material
how should I approach this? ! tia

OP posts:
Joysmum · 21/07/2015 19:30

You do know that being slim doesn't mean you're healthy right? Confused

It's a clear case of double standards here, you aren't as active as him but think you're healthier because you are slim.

How about you getting off your butt and changing to make yourself healthier at the same time he is.

As for the rest of your views seeing thing as about you and what others think, you're not committed my across as a nice person and I feel sorry for your OH.

TheHobbit · 21/07/2015 19:38

Ny ex was like that he also couldn't understand why he was putting on weight until i asked him to do a food diary! Turns out at work he ate pie sandwiches! a packet of biscuits during work and three chocolates on the way home!! He didn't even realise how much he was eating until he wrote it down.

WhySoAngry · 21/07/2015 20:16

So much denial here. And ignorance. No wonder we have an obesity epidemic.

OP - some facts: every time you consume 3600 calories more than you burn you add 1lb of weight. On men over 40 that mostly goes on the waist.

You say on page 1: if I have a cuppa and a biscuit he has 2 biscuits and sugar in his tea. if I have pasta and a bit of garlic bread he'll have more pasta and 3 pieces of bread

One extra biscuit is 50-100 calories. Three slices of bread is around 400 calories. Garlic bread is packed with calories. So is sugar. And we now know that pasta is as bad for you as sugar.

Running or cycling for an hour burns 600-800 calories - which means you have to do a lot of running and cycling to burn off all the biscuits, sugar and bread he's eating.

The posters on here saying it's possible to have a large waist and be healthy are talking rubbish. All the medical evidence proves the opposite.

Some people get big through no fault of their own. Your DH is piling on the weight because he eats too much. And could easily take years off his life.

You deserve support, OP, for wanting to help him in a sensitive way, not criticism from posters who should know better.

pocketsaviour · 21/07/2015 20:45

The posters on here saying it's possible to have a large waist and be healthy are talking rubbish. All the medical evidence proves the opposite.

...said a non-medical person on a popular internet forum Hmm

But you go on with your fat-shaming smuggery there, love, don't let me stop you with facts or anything.

WhySoAngry · 21/07/2015 21:01

pocketsaviour: I gave links and facts to support my argument. You just shout at people.

When you provide credible medical evidence that shows it's possible to have a large waist and be healthy it will be easier to take your posts seriously.

BTW: How come you're not having a go at the 'slim-shaming' post from Joysmum who three messages ago wrote You do know that being slim doesn't mean you're healthy right?

WhySoAngry · 21/07/2015 21:12

American Cancer Society: The larger your waist regardless of your weight the greater your risk of dying from cancer, heart disease, and respiratory disease

www.cancer.org/cancer/news/larger-waist-size-increases-health-risks

Sometimes called "The Middle-Age Spread", a larger waistline caused by belly fat has been a known risk factor for cardiovascular disease as well as linked to increased strokes among women and of course Diabetes, but a new study has discovered another reason why you might want to start paying a little more attention to that tape measure... people who have big bellies in their 40s are much more likely to get Alzheimer's and other forms of dementia in their 70s

www.thebetterhealthstore.com/Newsletter/04-04_AprilNews01.html

WebMD: Men and women who are very large around the middle are at much greater risk of dying from any cause than people with thinner waists

www.webmd.com/fitness-exercise/20100809/big-waist-increases-death-risk

These three articles found on page one of Google. And there are thousands more articles from credible sources including Harvard Medical School. Putting your fingers in your ears and going 'la-la-la' so you don't hear doesn't make it any less true.

HPsauciness · 21/07/2015 21:13

I'm shocked at the number of posters shrugging this off as if it's nothing to be concerned about I would be concerned about it, but concern, and shock, and 'helping' and 'support' doesn't do anything to change the weight of most people. Otherwise everyone with a slightly fat spouse would easily be able to change it. However supportive you are, however much you cook nice meals and have in healthy snacks, this is all sabotaged if the person comfort eats or grabs stuff when they are out. Of course cook healthy for the family, but don't delude yourself this is in your power, it is not. You cannot make another person change like that. For him to be slim now, it would take a hell of a lot of exercise, calorie control and constant monitoring of his weight into old age. Some people are motivated to do this, most are not.

I'm not saying don't be concerned, I'm saying that there is no easy way for one person to help another one to slim, otherwise the person who found it would be making billions or we would all be slim to please others given how horrible everyone is about larger people. His weight genuinely is his issue, yours is whether you can cope with a larger husband.

DorisLessingsCat · 21/07/2015 21:23

Evidence shows that generally if you are thin and unfit you are more likely to die early than if you are fat and fit.

You can't purely diet yourself to health improvements, you've got to exercise as well.

OP's husband sounds at best like he's still eating for a younger, more active man, at worst he's secretly binging. Either way it's not doing him any good.

Mide7 · 21/07/2015 21:25

Why so angry, I don't think anyone's said that being fat is healthy but being overweight doesn't automatically make you unhealthy.

Can you not see the difference between someone who spends all day sitting on the sofa and eating doughnuts to someone who eats a bit too much but is still exercising regularly?

A lot of the studies based on being overweight are just correlations studies. They don't prove causation.

pocketsaviour · 21/07/2015 21:31

WhySoAngry: I gave facts and a link on page 1 to support my position. You just apparently don't want to believe them. It says a lot about your levels of insecurity, TBH.

Of course OP doesn't give much of a fuck about her husband's health, by the things she's posted. She knows full well he's healthier than her. She just doesn't like the way he looks.

pocketsaviour · 21/07/2015 21:36

Although the fact that OP claims she doesn't know how tall her H is making me seriously doubt some of what she says.

CordeliaFoxx · 21/07/2015 21:46

The post is about her being embarrassed by him, the rest is just to smoke it out.

I have put over 1.5 stone due to the Depo injection, my DH loves me and finds me just as attractive as he did before - he's not that shallow!

Original poster
Missanneshirley · 22/07/2015 00:37

wow you can tell it's night time on mn, vipers out!
I'm going to ignore the mostly hysterical sounding posters, and reply to those more reasoned ....
I fully understand the "thin and unfit" scenario, as it's where I feel may be ...hence the fact that I am trying to run more regularly.
I completely refuse to agree that going from slim to having a massive gut in less than 12 mths is either healthy or understandable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Missanneshirley · 22/07/2015 00:39

and of COURSE if it transpires that there is a medical reason for this weight gain I will feel completely differently - but tbh I doubt that very much!

OP posts:
insouciance · 22/07/2015 00:52

Have some sympathy for the poor sod, talk to him gently, and shag the poor bastard with the lights off if his gut offends you
Not being able to see the large beer belly of the person you're having sex with doesn't mean that you won't be able to feel it and that it won't be getting in the way. Light switches are not magic!

CordeliaFoxx · 22/07/2015 01:03

Can you define "massive gut"? I had a massive spot the other day, though by other people's standards it was tiny. What size trousers is he wearing?

insouciance · 22/07/2015 01:07

What size trousers is he wearing
The OP already said that his belly hangs over his waistband, his clothes don’t fit and that it affects how he is able to move.

Original poster
Missanneshirley · 22/07/2015 01:08

Oh I feel bad that I am not able to provide statistics!! I am 5 foot 4 so reckon he must be 5 6 or 7?
waist size - no clue - how or why would I know this?! visible overhanging belly. wasn't there 12 mths ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
Missanneshirley · 22/07/2015 01:10

lol to pocketsaviour - why does me not knowing dh's height cause you concern? ! I also don't know his weight, ni number or favorite song - am I doomed ? !

OP posts:
CordeliaFoxx · 22/07/2015 01:20

I know my DHs, didn't think that was unusual! I'm just trying to get an idea of how massive the gut is that's all, my DH also works shifts and is approaching 40, it does result in a bit of a gut, however I don't find it embarrassing

VerityWaves · 22/07/2015 01:25

"Have some sympathy for the poor sod, talk to him gently, and shag the poor bastard with the lights off if his gut offends you."

What the actual fuck kind of advice is this ?!!!

OwlAtEase · 22/07/2015 01:54

When was the last time he went to his GP for a check-up? If it has been a while, could you suggest he go along? His previous weight should be in his records, and a GP should notice a significant weight gain and speak to him about it. If the issue is mental illness then his GP is a good first step too, although he'd have to be open to actually saying something. Either way, might be helpful to have him make an appointment if he's willing?

WhySoAngry · 22/07/2015 08:08

Why is it superficial and shallow to want your OH to look attractive?

Is it really okay to 'let yourself go' when you're settled in a relationship?

Surely we have a responsibility to our partners as well as ourselves to look good and be healthy.

Original poster
Missanneshirley · 22/07/2015 10:07

as far as I know he has never been to the gp for a check up - he is the type to go when something is wrong. would they really mention his weight if he didn't?
sorry am on phone so can't scroll back but yes I totally agree about letting yourself go!!

OP posts:
OwlAtEase · 22/07/2015 11:04

I've had my GP mention my weight without me bringing it up (in the other direction - she said I looked underweight, and checked against previous weight measurements in my records to see if there'd been a significant decline). So when someone looks as though they've significantly gained or lost weight, a GP might look into it. Particularly for a general check up where things like weight and blood pressure are measured. But if he's never been then his previous weight wouldn't be on record, and I suppose he's not likely to go if you mention it as he'll deny there's a problem.