please help me to deal sensitively with dh's weight ?

[Missanneshirley]

dh is piling on more and more weight. he is a physically active and fairly sporty person (runs, cycles etc) but has a hideous classic beer gut which I am struggling to deal with. I am far from a fitness freak and probably do less exercise than him, but if I know I've put on a bit of weight eg after a holiday or something, I just eat a little more sensibly for a week or so till my jeans aren't tight again! I would say that we eat fairly well as a household, we both cook, don't do take aways or anything.
so for a start I don't even understand how dh is getting so big - I suspect maybe he eats more after I go to bed ? he has a glass of whisky every night which I hate but again I think this must contribute.
it's not so much that it's physically off putting (which of course it is, but I am always mindful of the fact that I could easily have put on weight after having kids or something and would expect a bit of tolerance from him!)
but it's more the state of mind that worries me - what is he thinking? !! he can see how big he is but doesn't seem to care, almost revels in it. I would be embarrassed! (he's got gradually much bigger over the last year or so, and was positively skinny when I met him). his family have commented and I know his and my friends must just think wtf?!
I worry its the sign of mental health issues - he has previous - but he gets defensive if you broach that area as he believes himself to be cured
it seems like he has no self respect and somehow I am projecting that onto myself - does he not respect me?
getting myself in a tizzy about it!
also worried about his health - he is in a stressful job and I feel he is prime heart attack material
how should I approach this? ! tia

In another one who thinks maybe he's just not that bothered. I'm sure there are loads of people who are over weight who don't care.

If he's happy with his looks, he's not bothered by the health side then why can't he get bigger?

Also a lot of the health issues will be partly countered by his exercise

there's no way that can be good for you, no matter how sporty you are!

also aibu to extrapolate a lack of respect (for want of a better word!) for me in this?

Lack of respect for you? Weight gain isn't a moral failing, it's not a judgement on you, he's probably tired from shifts, overeating junk food when not in the house and has got older as well (60% of men are overweight, he's hardly the exception).

You don't have to like it, but it is his body and his life, he won't change for all your disapproval (obviously otherwise he'd be thin by now!)

Why isn't there Missa?

I just think that being overweight is bad for your health! surely that is common knowledge? also whatever he's eating can't exactly be healthy stuff! I just see it as being a bit slobby, in the same way as if he had let his personal hygiene go a bit or something?

I just think that being overweight is bad for your health! surely that is common knowledge?

Actually the two aren't directly related (although there may be correlations.) Being underweight is unhealthier than being overweight.
www.medicaldaily.com/being-severely-obese-healthier-being-underweight-241247

You are sounding quite judgemental TBH. You have gone from being concerned about his (mental) health to calling him slobby and inferring that he's letting YOU down with his appearance.

ALL of the above are concerns! it's all wrapped up together imo. to drastically change your appearance like that - why? esp when it is out of character? and if there are no sinister reasons behind it and mental health issues are not a part of it (which I largely suspect they are) then he is just being a greedy git! I can't see any part of it which is ok really. I'd certainly expect him to be concerned if I did the same!

Yes it is common knowledge but doesn't mean it's 100%. You can be overweight and still be physically fit. Which includes having strong heart and lungs.

I think the big health problems come with being overweight and not moving much.

he does have a strong heart and lungs, gets regular checks through work. hmmmm

Part of me is sympathetic, it's not great when your partner puts on lots of weight and looks very different.

However, the whole point of a lifetime of marriage isn't to stay with the fit young handsome person they were aged 30 and then get cross when that changes, it will change, if not his weight, then he'd lose his hair, or get wrinkles, or a bit of a beer belly but not overall weight. People don't stay the same. I'm not the same figure of a woman I was at 30, 15 years later I am fatter and wobblier and not for bikinis on the beach. Is this a lack of respect for my husband? Is it because I'm lazy? No, I'm a tired older full-time working mum who finds it hard to keep the weight off. In his case, working shifts will have buggered up his metabolism (there's loads of research on this) and made comfort eating even easier.

You do have a choice of course, to leave him if you don't like his new figure. You won't shame him into change, though.

Does there have to be a single reason? Maybe he's just getting older, his metabolism is slowing down and he has less energy than he used to to go out and burn off whatever he's eating. Aside from saying, "do you really need three slices for god's sake?" and looking at portion sizes/healthy alternatives for meals I don't know what else you can do.

I think there is an acceptance that middle age spread happens to most of us, and you're now at the age where it becomes apparent. I don't think many people get with spouses at 25 and expect that they'll look the same at 45. As long as he's healthy and his weight is plateauing, what you're describing seems pretty standard.

In terms of practical suggestions, obviously you could cook (as could he) lots of pretty healthy food - does he eat on shifts? I suspect he's eating at a canteen or grabbing unhealthy food on the go.

Is he concerned? I've found if the person themselves isn't motivated, there's little you can do. Sometimes they are in a spiral of not liking their new appearance but feeling helpless to do anything, ironically then they eat more- it all seems hopeless. Something will have to change, within himself, to motivate him.

You can encourage him, but subtle disapproval and insinuations of slobbiness, laziness and lack of respect are not well-known motivators.

I think I'd use stealth tactics here, rather than confront him. I'd start by asking if he'd support me on a healthy eating regime and introduce loads more veg etc into the diet and reduce fat/empty carbs etc.

Then if this doesn't have an effect after about a month, you could say that his belly is starting to look very swollen and you know he eats healthily so could it be possible that the cause is a gluten intolerance or similar (DF-I-L had one and his belly was like Santa Claus's. He stopped eating gluten and it shrunk very quickly.

That would work with DH but he never spots motives behind actions.

I think dh would see through that tbh esp as I am not massively known for my keep fit kicks etc! he has always been more sporty.
don't worry I would never say these things to him, that's why I'm posting here! I will be completely honest and say I do hate the way it looks, but that is very tied up with my feelings of...what? disappointment? disgust? that he seems happy to let it happen! I'm embarrassed about it and I know that sounds awful (again hence why it's getting posted here and not said! )

I'm sympathetic with OP on this - so much nicer to value yourselves and each other/keep all the aspect of attraction alive, than decline into middle-aged obesity. My ex was very lean and attractive when we first met and became very much bigger by being lazy and eating loads - it really put me off mind you he was also EA and a crap dad which didn't add to the attraction

My bf values keeping trim and fit and although I'm not actually a superficial cow (I'm not even vain and not particularly into grooming or makeup) I do value this - I think it says something about a person.

I've no advice except I agree that these feelings should be verbalised even if they are uncomfortable.

Missanneshirley: You are right be concerned about someone you love.

I'm shocked at the number of posters shrugging this off as if it's nothing to be concerned about.

Having a large waist is a risk factor many conditions, most notably type 2 diabetes.

Check out this link on the Diabetes UK website: www.diabetes.org.uk/About_us/News_Landing_Page/Majority-of-people-unaware-of-link-between-waist-size-and-Type-2-diabetes-risk/

I know that some people argue 'his body, his choice', but, OP, you have every right to want to protect your DH.

Take a look at a pair of his trousers to establish the waist size If it's greater than 35 inches, he's at risk. If it's over 38 inches, he's greatly at risk. And you must be able to estimate his height. How tall are you? How much taller or shorter than you is he?

It's not easy raising issues of this kind - and stealth is often required. But you can't just stand by. If he told you he was thinking of committing suicide you'd take action. But that's what he's doing by piling on the pounds. I do hope you can find a way to help him.

I'm sorry but some of your views are a bit hateful.

I am the wrong side of 40, and have put on weight since having 2 DCs. I go to the gym, swim, and don't eat fast food. I am fat because I still eat too much of the wrong thing and although I try very, very hard I struggle.

However, weight gain is not a moral failing. It is not out of some kind of lack of respect for my lovely husband, and it is not because I am stupid.

I am still the bright and sociable person I was. Shockingly, my degrees did not disappear because I got a bit tubby. I still love and respect my husband and my friends, and I am loved in return

I think your points about MH issues are a bit of a smoke screen as well.

Have some sympathy for the poor sod, talk to him gently, and shag the poor bastard with the lights off if his gut offends you.

Whyso I was one of those people shrugging it off and I thought diabetes would come up. There is obviously a link there but the biggest factor in becoming diabetic is unfortunately genes.

Exercise can also improve your insulin sensitivity I'm lead to believe. So by being active he may be offsetting the damage caused by having a large stomach

Father OP wasn't having a go at you! Everyone has the right to put on weight, but nobody is obliged to find it attractive.

Having said that, I could have coped with exh's weight gain if we had had a warm, supportive relationship.

OP how do you feel towards him overall? Are there any other aspects that are making you detach emotionally from him? Or is it really simply about the weight?

Mide7: You can't choose your genes but you can choose your waistline. It's not just diabetes: stroke, heart attack - the list goes on and on.

But don't let the facts colour your perspective. Let's rationalise the problem away. Shruggers gotta keep on shrugging!

Some nasty comments OP.

I am overweight due to medication for my disability. I was slim when I met DP. I'll make sure to tell him to be disgusted and disappointed in me due to my change in body shape.

Of course you can choose your waist line but that's no gurantee you won't get a disease. A lot of these risks can be reduced by exercising. Even things like depression.

I'm not saying improving diet wouldn't help but if he's exercising and eating well "most" of the time then he might reduce his risk.

Yes but OP has said that he's monitored regularly by his work and he's perfectly healthy at the moment. So long as that remains the same and medics are giving no cause for concern, then it really comes down to priorities. Does OP's husband want to restrict his diet, increase the amount of excercise he's doing in an attempt to recreate the figure he had five years ago? Or would he prefer to enjoy a reasonably balanced diet with the odd treat, excercise for pleasure and maintain the weight and condition he's at at the moment? The fact that he's aware that he's put on weight and not made any changes would suggest the latter. He's healthy and, from the sounds of it, still well within the realms of "normal" and continually assessed for weight-related health issues. On that basis, if he was happy, I'd be happy.

Not all large people are embarrassed by their size, OP. It's possible that your DH doesn't actually mind that he's put on a bit of weight - maybe he's happier doing a bit less exercise and eating a few treats now that he's getting a bit older and is probably less fit and energetic than he was when you met.

You say he has health checks at work and is healthy, so it seems you just don't like him being bigger. If his health isn't at risk, why are you honestly that bothered? A lot of people get bigger as they age - it's harder to keep the weight off, you can't do as much exercise, you don't move as quickly as you once did, and you're generally too busy with work and children and other things to have the energy to exercise and watch your weight. So long as he's healthy and happy, I think the excess weight on his belly isn't really that important.