please help me to deal sensitively with dh's weight ?

[Missanneshirley]

dh is piling on more and more weight. he is a physically active and fairly sporty person (runs, cycles etc) but has a hideous classic beer gut which I am struggling to deal with. I am far from a fitness freak and probably do less exercise than him, but if I know I've put on a bit of weight eg after a holiday or something, I just eat a little more sensibly for a week or so till my jeans aren't tight again! I would say that we eat fairly well as a household, we both cook, don't do take aways or anything.
so for a start I don't even understand how dh is getting so big - I suspect maybe he eats more after I go to bed ? he has a glass of whisky every night which I hate but again I think this must contribute.
it's not so much that it's physically off putting (which of course it is, but I am always mindful of the fact that I could easily have put on weight after having kids or something and would expect a bit of tolerance from him!)
but it's more the state of mind that worries me - what is he thinking? !! he can see how big he is but doesn't seem to care, almost revels in it. I would be embarrassed! (he's got gradually much bigger over the last year or so, and was positively skinny when I met him). his family have commented and I know his and my friends must just think wtf?!
I worry its the sign of mental health issues - he has previous - but he gets defensive if you broach that area as he believes himself to be cured
it seems like he has no self respect and somehow I am projecting that onto myself - does he not respect me?
getting myself in a tizzy about it!
also worried about his health - he is in a stressful job and I feel he is prime heart attack material
how should I approach this? ! tia

There is a lot of rubbish being posted here and a lot of defensive claptrap by people who are overweight.

There is no such thing as a 'strong heart and lungs'. Lung capacity under exercise is tested in a specialist setting. Heart disease has nothing to do with a heart being 'strong'. Hearts fur up through lack of exercise and poor diets ( sugar is now thought to be worse than fat) and they also work overtime to carry excess weight. Both contribute to cardiovascular disease - maybe not at 40, but at 50+.

Diabetes is a killer and an epidemic now. The test for women to see if you are at risk is a waist measurement over 31 and for men it's around 37.NHS waist measurement

OP you need to be blunt. stop pussy footing about. For a start, I'd stop serving bread with pasta- no one needs both. I'd also talk to him about the effects of over eating on his health. It's quite possible he doesn't see that even small extra amounts of food are making him fat. I think there is some evidence that shows even 2 biscuits a day over a year can increase your weight by a stone. I'd also ask if he is snacking at work or on the way home.

pinkfrocks I have to say that is much closer to my point of view than some previous posters (Although obv this is all wrapped up in my concerns re his motives, state of mind etc)
I just think regardless of how he got there, it can't be good

You can't be healthy and have a big belly.. People have to take a positive outlook on solving there own weight problems and stop talking bollocks..

The NHS is straining under foolish and inaction from the populous regarding weight gain...

Pink- can you not train your heart like any other muscle? Does that not make it stronger? It can pump more blood in through less work.

The OP hasn't given any speficis to her partners giant gut. For all we know he could have gone from a 28 inch waist to a 34 inch waist. Like I said earlier there is a massive difference between someone who eats loads and does no exercise and is fat compare to someone who eats a bit too much, does a lot of aerobic exercise and has a little bit of a belly.

For what it's worth, I'm not over weight. Not that it matters.

For all we know he could have gone from a 28 inch waist to a 34 inch waist

Possible. But unlikely. No-one calls a 34 inch waist giant, even on someone 5ft 8in tall.

The OP says her DH has a hideous classic beer gut - which isn't a bit of a belly.

Since your DH exercises regularly, portion control is the solution.

again apologies for not having tape measured my husband!
It is not "a bit of a belly" it is a big overhanging problem!!

When it comes to diet, small changes lead to big results. pinfrocks speaks a lot of sense.

Just reducing those three slices of bread to only two reduces calorie intake over the course of a year by around 36,500 calories - equivalent to 10lb in weight.

So many comments on here which go to show how the obese are in complete denial about their weight.
It doesn't surprise me in the least to learn that we are the fattest nation in Europe.
Op I know you want to take a sensitive approach to your husband's weight increase but I honestly think you will not get anywhere unless you
just spell it out to him. Good luck!

Pink- can you not train your heart like any other muscle? Does that not make it stronger? It can pump more blood in through less work.

Mide- you can make your heart more efficient . And yes, exercise will help. The way to test if your heart is efficient is by taking your pulse after exercise as well as your resting pulse rate. Lung capacity and heart efficiency is usually tested in a lab/ medical setting where you are made to cycle or work on a treadmill, wearing loads of wires etc and a graph is produced.

Also for mide have a look at some of the videos and articles by Dr Michael Mosely on looking slim but having hidden fat thefastdiet.co.uk/forums/topic/thin-on-the-outside-fat-on-the-inside-tofi-by-dr-mosley/

OP it's not about how your DH looks. This is not a vanity project. It's about his health ,just as if he was damaging this by smoking or taking drugs. The appearance is just a sign of how his body is not at its best and eventually he will suffer some kind of disease that is related to being overweight. This might be cancer, diabetes or CVD- or all 3 if he's unlucky!

70% of people treated by the NHS have chronic illnesses of which 40%- almost half- are a direct result of lifestyle choices. That's too much food and too little exercise, smoking and drinking.

what a sheer waste of public money spent on something that is preventable if only people would be responsible for their wellbeing.

end of lecture.

God tbh I think you should just mind your own business. We all know unwelcome intervention is only resented and generally compounds the problems. I can't imagine how embarrassed, cross and resentful I would be if my dh started questioning me about my eating habits. You're not his mother. He is a grown man and must make his own choices.

Dress it up about health if you want but for you it is clearly about his looks and I think that will come across in any "chat" you try to have.

I understand all that pink but all I'm trying to say is fat is automatically unhealthy. Yes in a lot of cases it does mean being unhealthy but is it causation or correlation. Are they unhealthy because they are overweight or are they unhealthy because there diet is shit and they don't move enough which also leads to them being overweight.

Like you said, you can look perfectly heathly and have a lot of dangerous fat around your organs. On the other side of things, I'm classed as obese by health professionals. I'm male, have a 34inch waist, 44inch chest and gym 6 days a week. ( not saying I'm really healthy but things can be Deceptive)

If OP doesn't like the way he looks then that's obviously up to her but don't dress it up as something else.

I'm classed as obese by health professionals. I'm male, have a 34inch waist, 44inch chest and gym 6 days a week. (not saying I'm really healthy but things can be Deceptive)

That's why BMI is no longer regarded as being a benchmark for assessing fitness. The critical test is your waist to height ratio.

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/health/news/10054519/Waist-to-height-ratio-more-accurate-than-BMI.html

Divide your waist measurement by your height. If the result is more than 0.5 there's a risk to your health. The higher the number, the greater the risk.

Which means in your case, Mide7, that unless you're shorter than 68 inches - ie 5ft 8in - you have a low risk of stroke, heart disease and diabetes (depending on whether you smoke and drink obviously).

Wilting would you say that 'minding your own business' applies to watching your partner slowly kill themselves, or inflict disability on themselves, and deprive a family of a healthy parent, by over-eating?

What an odd attitude. Would you say mind your business if he was shooting drugs or snorting coke daily?

mide I am sure you are fit, which is why as the PP says, it's not so much BMI that is the issue but the distribution of fat.

However, some people really overestimate how much exercise can control their weight. Lots of people think they exercise a lot, but in fact they are expending the equivalent of 2 biscuits ( maybe 200 cals) so unless they cut back on food as well, they won't see any difference.

Most people have to do a huge amount of exercise to lose weight and resist the temptation to eat more because it can make you hungrier!

I know bmi has its limititions for individuals but I've still been told by health care professionals that my weights a risk.

I agree with your points there pink ( well part from me being fit ) losing weight should be about 80% diet unless your running marathons.

If my husband was doing coke/injecting drugs every day, I would leave him. The Op is free to leave her husband if she doesn't like the way he eats or the figure it produces. But these lectures, directed at the OP, are pointless, she knows she hates his beer gut, but until he decides he wants to change his lifestyle (with her support I'm sure too), what can she do, apart from provide healthy food in their shared home? I might also talk frankly with him about how worried you are about his health, but I know from my own experience with my husband (and the fact that 99% of people on diets regain the weight) that this has no real impact, sadly.

60% of men are overweight, I don't really see the analogy with injecting drug users who represent a tiny proportion of the population tbh.

I don't really see the analogy with injecting drug users who represent a tiny proportion of the population tbh

The principle is the same. People choose to inject themselves with drugs. People choose to eat too much. Both cause health issues - and sometimes premature death.

If my husband was doing coke/injecting drugs every day, I would leave him. Even if you loved him? And they say romance is dead!

This thread disgusts me. I feel sorry for your DH - does he realise you are repulsed by him and are judging him?

It usually drives me nuts when people use this line, but ... imagine this thread were flipped and it was the husband complaining that his wife had gotten fat. MN would have ripped him to shreds.

does he realise you are repulsed by him and are judging him?

But 90% of posts on here are from women judging their DH/OH/DP!

He watches porn. He takes no interest in me. He talks to his ex. He is patronising. Etc etc etc.

Why is that 'judging' okay but it's not okay when it comes to health, appearance and fitness?

But 90% of posts on here are from women judging their DH/OH/DP!

I am well aware of that and I don't think I said that judging of that nature was acceptable either. I genuinely would like to know how everyone would respond if a man were to come on here complaining that his wife was getting fat, that he was embarrassed of her and that her inability to stay slim somehow proved that she did not respect him.

It wouldn't be okay and people would rain abuse down on the OP. Why is it any different when the OP is a woman complaining about her "D"H?

Hi OP. My late husband was called "Capital D" man because of his shape. Normal from the back but a huge overhanging belly at the front. His shape changed in the last two years of his life. He was diagnosed with bladder cancer (he liked his cigars and red wine). I know you said your DH had regular check ups at work but I would encourage him to go and have a full MOT at the doctors including bloods. He may be eating and drinking more than he needs but there may be an underlying problem. Sorry to frighten you but your situation resonated with me.

60% of men are overweight, I don't really see the analogy with injecting drug users who represent a tiny proportion of the population tbh

Don't you? Try a bit harder then the penny will drop.

Is it the fact that more people are overweight ( and it's woman too not only men) than take drugs, or the fact that being overweight by eating too much causes disease (the same as taking drugs) that you don't understand?

OP if you are still reading, I'd try to change things depending on who does what in your house. IF you are the main cook, can you reduce food that is full of carbs, for a start? Plain meat , fish and plenty of veg etc. I am sure you do this already. Stop buying refined carbs and foods with sugar in them, and eating puddings. (In our house we are on a zero sugar regime, not to lose weight but for health and we might have a pudding once every 2 weeks as a treat.) Don't serve bread with pasta. No one needs double carbs in a meal. If you serve up the food, think about portion size- carbs should be no bigger than a small closed fist- so that potatoes, pasta, rice. if your DH asks why the changes, tell him it's for BOTH of you re. health. Talk to him about how you are worried about his health and weight. it's not a criticism, it's about caring for him.

thank you all!
I will happily take the comments re appearance etc on the chin - yes it's shallow and so on but frankly that's my viewpoint to have. however what I will contest is that fact that appearance is my only concern - not true at all!
this is hard to explain but basically I look at his outward appearance as some reflection of his mental state - why is he (possibly) over eating, or binge eating? why does a previously slim and fit person not care that he is suddenly very over weight? that is my main worry, what is going on with him for this to be happening?
of course there may well be a medical reason and I will try to raise this with him.
if it's as simple as portion control, late night snacks etc that might be harder to tackle.
but I stand by my view point that being overweight - if it's preventable and not medical causes etc - is not ok!!

it's interesting to read the debate though and I do believe that obesity is a real problem in the UK which a lot of people are ignoring

Thing is... whether fat is unhealthy or not, and on balance I would say it wasn't a great idea to get fat, the OP has asked in the title of her thread how to 'deal' with her DH's weight gain. I've been fat and I've been thin, and I know what it is like to have someone in the family 'deal' with my weight problem [FYI Mother - all I got was food hang-ups and body image problems, for life]

There is absolutely nothing the OP can do to make her DH lose weight. As is said very often on these boards, you cannot change someone - you just can't. They have to want to make changes themselves, whether they are an abuser, whether they are an addict, an obssessive cleaner or hoarder or whatever. They have to do it themselves and find the key to it themselves.

OP, I suspect, can police the biscuit tin all she likes and it will be a pointless, hopeless and depressing task.

OP - you may care that he is fat, he might not care. Or he might care a lot. Again, I don't think these things are of much relevance. If you pressurise him to lose weight, my guess is that he will feel attacked and unhappy. If you start monitoring what he puts in his mouth he may feel really resentful and cross and, most importantly, quite determined to spike your guns... which would entail more overeating and general subversive behaviour like hiding his eating, so he'd be stuffing himself when he is not in the house and out of reach of the food-stasi.

Be pragmatic. If he raises the subject himself, that's fine... talk to him, say you will support him if he chooses a new exercise regime or eating programme. But please don't initiate this yourself. If he's already concerned, he will articulate it. If he is not already concerned about his weight, then you raising it will not help. He is the one living in his body - so of course he knows he has put on weight. I would think that he would want to do something about it. This is an emotive issue. He is a person, not a concept. Obesity is a huge problem... if there was a simple thing like confronting a fat person and telling them they've got to cut down then we'd all be thin by now.