please help me to deal sensitively with dh's weight ?

[Missanneshirley]

dh is piling on more and more weight. he is a physically active and fairly sporty person (runs, cycles etc) but has a hideous classic beer gut which I am struggling to deal with. I am far from a fitness freak and probably do less exercise than him, but if I know I've put on a bit of weight eg after a holiday or something, I just eat a little more sensibly for a week or so till my jeans aren't tight again! I would say that we eat fairly well as a household, we both cook, don't do take aways or anything.
so for a start I don't even understand how dh is getting so big - I suspect maybe he eats more after I go to bed ? he has a glass of whisky every night which I hate but again I think this must contribute.
it's not so much that it's physically off putting (which of course it is, but I am always mindful of the fact that I could easily have put on weight after having kids or something and would expect a bit of tolerance from him!)
but it's more the state of mind that worries me - what is he thinking? !! he can see how big he is but doesn't seem to care, almost revels in it. I would be embarrassed! (he's got gradually much bigger over the last year or so, and was positively skinny when I met him). his family have commented and I know his and my friends must just think wtf?!
I worry its the sign of mental health issues - he has previous - but he gets defensive if you broach that area as he believes himself to be cured
it seems like he has no self respect and somehow I am projecting that onto myself - does he not respect me?
getting myself in a tizzy about it!
also worried about his health - he is in a stressful job and I feel he is prime heart attack material
how should I approach this? ! tia

I agree with some of that but not all. It ought to be possible in a marriage to talk about behaviour(s) that are jeopardising the health of the person and the health of the relationship- be it eating, drinking, smoking, drugs etc.
We aren't talking random strangers on a bus but people who live together day in day out. Yes, people can only change themselves. But that doesn't mean that other people can't facilitate those changes in some way. Shortening your life by being overweight, smoking, drinking etc impact on other people if you are married and yes, I believe we have a responsibility to them, if we love them, not just ourselves. Ill health often impacts more on the carer than they being-cared-for- as I see the burden on my parents' elderly friends where the women seem to be caring for the men in old age.

I don't agree with this 'one size fits all' description of someone not listening to concerns and being able to change simply because it's not borne out by my own experience. My DH has made small but significant changes to his life and diet, after I mentioned stuff- like the amount of fat and sugar in muffins- so now he doesn't have any with his cappuccinos. Ditto puddings at the work canteen- stopped 2 years ago. Ditto sugar on daily porridge- now just fruit. Yes, he wanted to in a way, but he needed a prompt. And if you both cook at home you can encourage each other to try new healthier versions of meals.

People don't always 'rebel' like teenagers if you try to help them change, that's all I'm saying. And as eating is an emotive issue I agree with the OP she has a right to worry if her DH has changed his behaviour recently and seems to be comfort eating.

please don't initiate this yourself. If he's already concerned, he will articulate it. If he is not already concerned about his weight, then you raising it will not help

And let him eat himself to death? What kind of loving wife would do that?

If he was driving in a way that endangered his life, would you speak out? If he was drinking a bottle of vodka a day, would you take action? If he was talking about committing suicide, would you just stand by?

The OP can't make her DH look after himself better. Agreed. But she can sensitively find ways of encouraging him to. Husband and wife are part of a system - when one changes, the other often changes as well.

The secret is to pull, not push. If the OP made some of the changes already suggested (putting smaller portions out, buying foods that are more healthy, being more active herself) it's possible her DH would follow suit.

very sensible last few posts thank you.
to use smoking as an example, if he smoked I'd be on his back day in day out, no question. but as someone said, eating is more emotive. so while I agree with not standing by and letting him sort it out himself, I do realise I've got to tread carefully.
I already eat more healthily than him, smaller portions etc - leading by example doesn't seem to be having any impact. maybe if I looked up some new recipes, said I want to change my habits a bit ? who knows.
he is an intelligent person who knows exactly how to be healthy, which foods you should be eating less/more of etc. just seems to be choosing not to for reasons I can't fathom!

Except...the Op is already eating smaller portions, eating healthy food, doesn't have crap in the house. How in all honesty is doing more of that going to change anything, it hasn't so far!

People change when they want to change. Some people are happy for others to lead the way, I'm sure I'd lose weight if I had a live in cook who cooked very healthy meals all the time, for example, but my husband won't, he's lived with a landlady who cooked nothing but lovely high protein low carb casseroles for him, yet he still had hidden doughnut packets in the cupboard.

I don't think anyone is wrong in wanting to change their husband's weight, I'd like to change my husband's weight, but I think it is a lot harder to change another person than change yourself. If a few bracing chats about being fat and cooking some nice dinners was a good way to get people to lose weight, then that's what most partners are prepared to do- but most people continue to put on weight/be big.

We live in an obesogenic world in which it is very easy to overeat, and you have to make a considerable effort not to get fatter as you get older (especially a shift worker)- he doesn't sound like he's there yet in terms of change and his lifestyle is against him:

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/nov/17/night-shift-work-linked-obesity-sleep-calories-research

I am not arguing being obese is a good thing, I am arguing that huffing and puffing at him about his risk of stroke, heart attack, diabetes or generally insinuating he's not that hot any more are unlikely to have any effect. Which is a shame as if they worked, we would all be sylph-like!

Correct. Eating well, taking exercise and looking after yourself takes willpower, effort, commitment and self-control. Most of don't have it. We're lazy.

It's much easier - and more enjoyable in the short-term - giving in to temptation by sitting on the sofa with a tub of Ben & Jerry's and a spoon binge-watching House of Cards.

That's why we live in an obesogenic world.

I think you should ask a caring friend to speak to him. From your OP, where you describe his beer 'gut' as 'hideous' and say 'of course it is' with regards to an overweight person being physically off putting, you sound quite anti-fat people and so you are the wrong person to raise this with him.

Have you considered he might be doing it in order to piss you off?

This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all. You're disgusted by his appearance and habits yet you won't raise it with him. Not an easy topic but you sound quite shallow.

somehow I am projecting that onto myself - does he not respect me?

Meh. Middle age spread happens. It's not about you.

OP cutting through whether you ought to tell him or not , yes, of course you ought to talk to him! What does it say about your relationship if you cannot talk to him about something like this?

Aren't you over-thinking it?
Surely all you need do is find a time - or create one by saying there is something you want to discuss with him? Then without being accusatory, tell him that you are worried about his sudden increase in weight. You can ask how it's happening and if he's comfort eating- and if so, is there anything he wants to talk to you about. If nothing has changed in terms of the food you eat together then either his metabolism has changed (as it does to everyone in middle age) so he needs to eat less than he did at 25, or his exercise is not burning off as much as he thinks, (easy to over estimate) or he's buying food, or eating at home, which you aren't aware of. He ought to be able to say which!

If this is more about 'what can we do together to help you' rather than 'you are turning into a fat blob who I no longer like the look of' then surely that can't be offensive? You'd do the same if he was hitting the vodka bottle too often.

But if you can't communicate with him without it becoming a spat, that seems to show you are not on the same page with your relationship and maybe that needs attention?

Is he happy ( with you?) and is the comfort eating maybe a sign he's not? Just things to think about.

why does a previously slim and fit person not care that he is suddenly very over weight?

Maybe he's not happy with life - with work, family, marriage. He sees no reason to look after himself. You are clearly not incentive enough.

Ouch, OP, there are some very unkind comments flying about on here.

Is it possible to have a conversation with your DH starting from the point of "you know I love you, but I've noticed you've gained a lot of weight in a short time and I'm worried you're putting your health at risk. The last thing I want for both of our sakes is you dropping dead with a heart attack...is there anything I can help with or anything you want to talk about"?

Or basically what pinkfrocks said.

thank you again all
tbh I welcome the harsh comments, I need to do some thinking and they help me look at all angles.
no our relationship is not great and I think I am worried that the "not caring enough" is a factor. goodness knows if he'd admit to that tho. depending on my own mood I can convince myself that all is fine and he's just a greedy git, or else it's all a massive disaster!