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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Needy partner

128 replies

Christie1971 · 14/07/2015 13:26

Hello I would appreciate anyone's advice as I'm going out of my mind not knowing if I should end my relationship and can't make my mind up if I am being cleverly controlled. Please bear with me. I met my partner three years ago . I was previously married and endured a tiring and volatile time. I have two DCs age 9 and 12. When I met my new partner 'A' he was attentive gentle and such a lovely man which he still is. He sold his house and moved in with me after a year , he has a daughter age 6. He became increasingly clingy to me and wanted to be wherever I went which was nice at the time as I wasn't used to it. He then became irritated if I was to go out or see my friends without him. I have to go in the bathroom to text friends as he wants to know who it is why they are texting me and what our conversations are about . He watches my every move when I'm at home and wants to know why j am going upstairs etc. he sits on the bed while I am getting ready and comes on while I am having a bath to talk to me. He texts me constantly and wants pics of where I am trying to make out he just wants to see my face.I feel I can't breathe. I lied to him when I went to see my best friend for s coffee as I wanted some space. He found the coffee receipt in the bin and tallied it up to a text is sent saying I was doing something else. I feel completely suffocated I've tried to talk to him but it just goes back to how it was. I tried to end it last week but he started throwing up and saying he can't cope without me. There's much more I won't go on but interested to see if anyone else has been in this situation ? Xx

OP posts:
Joysmum · 14/07/2015 15:34

If you thought this wasn't as serious as it is shows just how effective his manipulation and abuse has been that it's made you doubt what should be normal and expected from a good partnership Sad

Sickoffrozen · 14/07/2015 15:37

I bet if ou spoke to his last wife/partner you would get a similar story. These men are a nightmare.

Good luck with it. His house is not our problem. Get out now and don't give him a penny.

hellsbellsmelons · 14/07/2015 15:41

to think I didn't think this was as serious as it actually is scares me
Don't worry about this bit for now.

You can tell from the all the responses this is really as bad as it gets.
Just concentrate on getting away safely.
You can then do the Freedom Programme in your own time when you are ready.

Original poster
Christie1971 · 14/07/2015 15:43

Keep trying to post this message so apologies if I repeat myself. Thanks guys for your advice you , in a few hours have given me so much strength and clarity with this. To think this morning I did not think my situation was as serious as it transpires . I'm usually no pushover I have just become so vulnerable without seeing it happen x

OP posts:
Floundering · 14/07/2015 15:45

Do you have somewhere to stay if you have to leave quickly, will your sister help? Does she / you have any big male relatives who could act as escort when you do? I only say this as they can act as a deterent where a female backup might not .

Floundering · 14/07/2015 15:47

Don't berate yourself for not seeing it , it's how they work, undermining your self belief, and your sense of what is right so your baseline of normal is skewed .
You have made the first huge step to your new life by realising this so onwards!!

TokenGinger · 14/07/2015 15:48

Please, please protect yourself and get out of this.

When I read your OP, I genuinely felt panicked and worried and smothered. That's just reading it. This is not healthy.

Forget your £5k, put that down to experience, move out. Begin proceeding on your own house with the money you have now. Put your money in to your solicitor's account so he cannot access it if he finds out you've begun proceedings.

Please leave x

Original poster
Christie1971 · 14/07/2015 16:10

I can go to my sisters . I don't really have anyone to stand by while I do it . Feel sick at the thought of it. I need a van to pull up after he goes out and grab everything quickly . Trouble is he never tells me when he is going to be out , he's started doing that as I think he senses that I want to run .

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 14/07/2015 16:15

Contact Womens Aid and see if they can suggest someone.
As a PP said, you could ask the Police to be there while you get away.
It's worth a call on 101 and speak to the DV unit and see what they say as well. They may be more than willing to be there when they hear your story.
But definitely speak to the DV unit.

hellsbellsmelons · 14/07/2015 16:16

If he is sensing things then you do need to be careful.
he may well say he is going out for the day to trap you.
Best thing is if you can have someone there with you while you pack and get away.

midnightvelvetPart2 · 14/07/2015 16:17

If it comes to it, can you fabricate a dentists or doctor's routine appt or nipping to the shop to get out?

Anniegetyourgun · 14/07/2015 16:19

I think you knew really, didn't you? Half the reason why you didn't want to post was that you felt it wasn't that bad, whilst the other half was that you were afraid it was. The fact that you don't feel confident to just pack up your stuff and go for any reason or none is totally chilling in itself.

£5000 to find a man's true character is cheap at the price, to be honest.

Original poster
Christie1971 · 14/07/2015 16:22

Thanks. What's the DV unit ?

OP posts:
midnightvelvetPart2 · 14/07/2015 16:26

DV means Domestic Violence

www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/what-is-domestic-violence/

tribpot · 14/07/2015 16:26

I think you just go. Forget the stuff, just put yourself and the dc in the car and go. You can then get an escort back into the house to pick stuff up later but it's far more important that you get away than anything else.

Original poster
Christie1971 · 14/07/2015 16:29

I've already written the 5k off to be honest . I suppose because his character is so helpful and kind all the time with no nastiness that's why I keep thinking I am going insane. For instance I am on nights tonight and he says he will run me to work so he can spend more time with me . I have been telling myself off for being ungrateful as in the back of my mind I'm thinking he is only doing this so he knows exactly where I am going . He gets me there early so when we pull up he can walk me in which is so unprofessional for me. I told him not to do this last week and he sulks then . I went on my own the next night and he wanted me to send him a pic of me because he wanted to see my face but really he was checking I was in work . Nightmare x

OP posts:
BrowersBlues · 14/07/2015 16:30

Christie, he has sensed a change in you. People like him know precisely what they are doing and everything they do is very calculated. Don't bother wasting energy berating yourself for not noticing. It happens to the best of us. When I got away from a person like him my family told me that I was the last person on the planet that they thought it would happen to.

Do you think he would be reasonable if you told him you were leaving? If not, could you tell him you are going to your sisters for a break for a few days or something?

When you get to your sisters with children you and your sister can go back to the house in a hired van to collect stuff? Does your sister have any friends that could accompany you? If he gets angry ring the police who will escort you out.

hellsbellsmelons · 14/07/2015 16:33

Jeez wiz - nightmare indeed.
Walking you in - wanting photo's.
How suffocating.
I really wish you well and I hope you manage to get away very soon.

Original poster
Christie1971 · 14/07/2015 16:36

He has sensed a change he asks me all the time what is wrong . I don't think he will get violent I think he will have a breakdown he is so infatuated with me. I will ask my sister for help she knows lots of people although rather than have to go back I would rather just take my things and not look back . I think he has a walking trip planned for next weekend but won't tell me if he's going . Thinking of planning it for them but will give him a couple of hours to get out of the way . If my sister is there he will play the victim I reckon

OP posts:
butterflygirl15 · 14/07/2015 16:39

Victim or breakdown or whatever he pulls out of the bag - you are allowed to leave him no matter what his response.

TendonQueen · 14/07/2015 16:44

I'd go sooner rather than wait for a 'good' moment that may not come. Ring your sister from work and arrange for her to Joe round asap and then you have back up and can ring tho police if any trouble.

truthaboutlove · 14/07/2015 16:45

God this is so much like my ex. The extra helpfulness and kindness you describe. It's their way of making you indebted towards them so you feel you can't leave. And the sitting on the bed while you got ready. I hated that so much. The knowing your every move.

I started a thread about him on here. Everyone told me to end it and gave me the courage to go through with it. When I thought it had gone smoothly, they said, watch out. And they were right - the breakdown, suicide threats, then when that didn't work, really nasty threats. I phoned the police at 10 o'clock at night to report it and they came to my home straight away.

You are getting excellent advice and you seem to have your head screwed on.

Original poster
Christie1971 · 14/07/2015 16:52

Truthaboutlove can I still access your thread to have a look ? Would you mind ? Thanks

OP posts:
truthaboutlove · 14/07/2015 17:23

I can't work out how to link the thread but search for it:

'feeling smothered' by Beautifulmonster 26th July 2014

Funnily enough, he has sent me three emails this week asking to meet up, 'just for lunch and a chat, what's the harm in that.' I ignored him.

tribpot · 14/07/2015 17:27

Here's a link to the thread