Needy partner

[Christie1971]

Hello I would appreciate anyone's advice as I'm going out of my mind not knowing if I should end my relationship and can't make my mind up if I am being cleverly controlled. Please bear with me. I met my partner three years ago . I was previously married and endured a tiring and volatile time. I have two DCs age 9 and 12. When I met my new partner 'A' he was attentive gentle and such a lovely man which he still is. He sold his house and moved in with me after a year , he has a daughter age 6. He became increasingly clingy to me and wanted to be wherever I went which was nice at the time as I wasn't used to it. He then became irritated if I was to go out or see my friends without him. I have to go in the bathroom to text friends as he wants to know who it is why they are texting me and what our conversations are about . He watches my every move when I'm at home and wants to know why j am going upstairs etc. he sits on the bed while I am getting ready and comes on while I am having a bath to talk to me. He texts me constantly and wants pics of where I am trying to make out he just wants to see my face.I feel I can't breathe. I lied to him when I went to see my best friend for s coffee as I wanted some space. He found the coffee receipt in the bin and tallied it up to a text is sent saying I was doing something else. I feel completely suffocated I've tried to talk to him but it just goes back to how it was. I tried to end it last week but he started throwing up and saying he can't cope without me. There's much more I won't go on but interested to see if anyone else has been in this situation ? Xx

Ah thanks ????

Thanks that is almost identical to me I.e fridge items and everything else he did , I trust all has turned out well for you ? I text my friend yesterdsy as I haven't heard from her in ages she said it was me being under house arrest and tagged all the time , I was fuming with him and told him in a sorry kind of way , he was all sympathetic and hated the fact I could tell that someone had Sussed him out , he said you MUST see her asap

It took several goes to get rid of him. Because I fell for his desperate sob stories and pleading and begging all the time. Then he scared me. Once you've done it, properly, you will feel so free and relieved.

I can almost feel the relief knowing i have to do it. I know where I want to be its just getting there

He's not clingy he's not a five year old

He is controlling and jealous !! And won't change , you don't need that kind of life it will only get worse

Tell your sister what you want from the house.
Give her the keys.
You go out, let him follow, and let your sister take your stuff.

Failing, leave and send sister's DH - or any male, larger the better round to pick your stuff up.

Its nuts. I cannot see how this could end well.

Great idea about letting my sister do this will really consider this as you are right he will follow me.

i was in a similar situation 15 years ago, i had one months wage in my bank account and an awful heavy fear suffocating me into thinking there was no way out. There was. I remember having a panic attack, i couldn't breathe, i couldn't move and i couldn't think. i just froze. l stopped thinking about how much stuff i could move out without getting noticed, how i was going to get everything else out, what was going to happen after i did, how i was going to handle it - everything. A strange kind of calm came over me, i saw myself getting up and picking up my handbag, my coat, put my shoes on, look around, pick up my phone, charger, put my windchime and dreamcatcher in my bag and then walk out of the room, down the stairs and out the door. i didn't remember the journey to the pub, or texting my friend to tell her "im not going back. i don't know where to go'. thankfully, like you i'd already smuggled my most precious posessions - paperwork/passport, my journals, school yearbook and the only pair of decent clothes i had, to my friends house two months before. it was the scariest thing i've ever been through, i had to get help for ptsd 2 years later cause even though i was free and safe and was 'smiling all the time', inside i wasn't there.

you can't talk, reason or do anything with this person, it won't work. you just have to get out and then you never have to see him again. it's ok to feel the fear, you've already taken care of the paperwork, if you want to you can just grab your bag and the dc and walk out the door to your sisters house. everything else is replaceable, and/or you can go back with
friends or police escort to get the rest. Don't think about what he's going to do afterwards - keep your focus only on you and your dc.

i'm sending you a massive virtual hug and raising a glass of mango juice to your success-TO FREEDOM! [GRIN]

You've had some good advice here, just get away from this man and don't fall for any sad face, puking , hand wringing crap he dishes out.

Good luck and for stay strong, he'll be like a bloody limpet clinging on.

Thanks you two . And thanks for sharing your experience with me I can't tell you how comforting your advice is and the motivation I have now. I tried to sort some of my decent things out this afternoon into a pile . When he came through the door he ran straight upstairs and said worriedly ' what are you doing with this lot ? ' I was shaking and told him it was for charity shop , he started to go through it examining it all . I wish he would just piss off out of the way .

How awful :( Like previous posters, it's making me feel like I can't breathe just reading about this. Please be very careful - you had better take some stuff to the charity shop now to back your story up - but it's clear he's on to you. You need to go, with nothing more than your phone if that's what it takes, before he steps things up a gear.

OP, please be mindful of the fact that the most dangerous time for a woman in a situation like this is when they're making plans to leave. He sounds like he's onto you, if at any point you feel unsafe, get straight onto 999.

I have such a horrible feeling in my stomach reading this thread, I can't imagine what it has been like for you living this way.

You need to just get out of there. Now. Go back for belongings later - accompanied by burly policemen! Not joking.

Hope you're OK Christie?

Ok tomorrow ring either the police DV unit or Women's Aid and ask for someone to come round while you pack and leave. Then it won't matter whether he is there or not: if necessary he can be forcibly restrained or removed by the police to stop him from interfering with your right to leave him. Because it doesn't matter what he says, thinks, or does:you are not a possession and you can walk away whenever you like.

You may have to leave furniture if you bought it together, but furniture is replaceable: stuff like your jewellery, baby photos, official documents etc shoud be got out of the house as fast as possible.

Remember he's a prick, he's your enemy, you owe him nothing at all. Good luck.

OP hide this thread from him on your phone and laptop, whatever you are using.

Leave.

For Christ's sake just leave, without any drama from him.

Take your kids and walk.

He suspects you are leaving. (and he always suspects anyway) He definitely won't go on any walking trip. Now that he suspects I would not delay any longer. He keeps such a close eye on you you will not be able to hide your change in demeanour and he will make moves to prevent you from leaving.

As said do make sure you hide this thread. log off, delete it from your history and only logon in private/incognito browsing. Make sure he doesn't know your passwords. Keep your mobile phone on you. In your knickers if need be.

I agree that you need to either contact the police DV unit as soon as possible (ie now ) and ask them to send a couple of officers round as soon as they can for you to leave. They probably won't be able to give you much time so make a mental list of the things you want to take. If needs be just get out of there and come back later with the police.

Please let us know when you are out and safe.

How are things today op?

Morning friends. I'm ok I've been on a night shift hence late reply. I'm ok though have been planning all night. Exhausted now. Not sure if things might be a bit extreme asking the police to come initially I might just stick with original plan of having my sister and friends there as I can only see him bringing on tears rather than violence of any kind as it's not his style . My contact on here is only by my phone and needs a password which I change twice each day . Thanks again for all concerns.

If you're not worried about violence I think it's fine just to come with 'civilian' reinforcements, tears do seem more likely.

Could you simply not return after a shift one day? I realise you have to extract the kids as well but are there days when you pick them up from school after a shift?

Definitely have somebody else there if possible. I don't think police would be OTT if the family/friends option doesn't work out. He probably won't do anything violent, but his behaviour is quite irrational so you can't be absolutely sure what would or wouldn't happen. That shaking reaction you had to him finding you sorting your own things out (!) suggests you are not completely sure in your heart of hearts that you are 100% safe. Look at it like wearing a seatbelt when you drive. You almost certainly won't have an accident, but supposing you did you would have that extra protection.

You have my support here op because making plans to leave is absolutely the right thing.

My sister did it and it was the best thing she ever did. She had been with her partner for 10 years and they had two children together (aged 4 and 7 at the time) and one day whilst I was visiting her she broke down, told me about the absolute horror that was her relationship and said she had to get out. I told her she could come to me and two days later I went to hers where she and her children got into my car and she told him then that she was leaving. We then went back a few days later when we knew he was at work and collected all her and her children's things.

He had been emotionally and financially abiding her, treating the kids horrendously (to the point it sickened me) and he was also having an affair. Things had gotten so bad that her son's school had called SS because of their concerns and that's when my sister knew she had to leave. It was very hard for about 6 months, financial worries, worries about getting the children to school/nursery, worries about where to live but it was worth it in the end.

She managed to find somewhere to rent even though it meant changing her children's schools but they both adapted to the change so well, we were so proud of them.

My sister is now engaged to a wonderful man who treats her so well and her children adore him.

The children rarely see their dad now but he bought it on himself.

Anyway, my point is that it can be done. All you need is that one person who is willing to help you and house you and everything else can follow. Your only priority now is getting you and the children out, you can sort out all the other details later.

The best of luck, your are being very brave

Good luck with it all, I think everyone on here is thinking of you because your post sounds so utterly suffocating, it's almost like you can't breathe without him checking on you. Your sister/friends sound the right way to go, if it gets any nastier or he starts threatening himself (quite likely) then call the GP or ambulance and leave him to it. This type of control is utterly insidious and he won't give up easily. I feel a much nicer life is waiting for you out of this, very kind, very nicely presented, but prison just the same that he has built for you.

Good luck. Please make it soon, and please make it that your chaperones are prepared to call the police if necessary.

Do keep us updated when you are able.

Thanks again for your advice and experiences it makes me feel more armed and determined . WW83 I'm glad your sister is ok now , I didn't tell my sister for a while as I wanted to put on a front I suppose and was still questioning myself ' is it me ? ' type of situations and was I being unreasonable about him being so attentive until things were quite obviously not feeling right . I am going to plan to do this in the next few days . Thanks for caring I am overwhelmed with all your advice and how I couldn't have focused without you all x