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Feeling smothered

(184 Posts)
Beautifulmonster Sat 26-Jul-14 17:16:13

Been seeing a guy for a year. What do you think of the following:
- about 20 texts a day, more if I don't reply, even more if we have had a falling out
- at least 3 phone calls a day (I hate talking on the phone) sometimes at inconvenient times eg when I am at work and he knows I can't talk
- pretending to be cool about me going out (I rarely go out) but when I do making me feel guilty by saying, I wish you had told me before and asking the same questions over and over eg about who is going as if to catch me out
- when I had builders in my home, kept turning up unexpectedly at odd times as if to check up on me
- ringing me all day long about what time the builders were finishing and what time they left and did they phone and who phoned etc
- turned up outside my home at 9am one Sunday after a rare Saturday night to myself (he lives 30 miles away) accusing me of having a man in the house as my friend's car was on the drive and she had got a taxi home. He had driven to my home to check up on me
- asking over and over about drinks in my fridge and saying the lager was a man's drink, who was it for etc
- offering to do things to help me out but putting himself out so much it embarrasses me and then throwing at me in an argument that he feels used
It is as if he doesn't have enough in his life. He keeps texting saying he is bored. It puts pressure on me.
I have tried to end it several times but he says he will fight for me. I know I have got to say a definitive no and stick to it. Can you understand why I am feeling smothered?

Xenadog Sat 26-Jul-14 17:19:32

The scarlet bunting is out I'm afraid. He is being incredibly controlling and the longer you leave it the worse it will get.

scrufhead Sat 26-Jul-14 17:21:18

Oh Christ on a bike! peg it!!!!

farendofafart Sat 26-Jul-14 17:22:18

God, I feel smothered on your behalf! This cannot end well. He clearly feels insecure and has jealousy issues. This will escalate if you stay together.

Twitterqueen Sat 26-Jul-14 17:23:40

Get rid - immediately. This is not just controlling it's - seriously - potentially dangerous.

Beautifulmonster Sat 26-Jul-14 17:27:09

I'm even more worried now.

JohnFarleysRuskin Sat 26-Jul-14 17:28:03

Wow. Get out of this 'relationship' ASAP.

gamerchick Sat 26-Jul-14 17:28:10

Yes he needs dumping...It may be a bit tough and a bit if a rocky ride but if you've tried and given in then the next time needs to be he last.

Tell him it's over and he's to leave you alone.. log everything with dates and times and if he makes to much of a pest of himself ask a policeman to have a word.

Good luck.

kaykayblue Sat 26-Jul-14 17:28:14

Obsessive creepy weirdo.

Just finish it already. He clearly has some incredibly strong trust issues and after just a year together...?

Beautifulmonster Sat 26-Jul-14 17:32:52

Oh god it must be so obvious. I know he will take it badly.

greeneggsandjam Sat 26-Jul-14 17:33:08

He will get worse and worse and worse. Put an end to it right now. Do not get involved with discussions with him. Do not let him in to talk about things. Life is too short. Why are there so many strange people in this world??

hoboken Sat 26-Jul-14 17:34:29

Many, many red flags. His actions and demands are completely beyond reasonable and so extreme that I would seriously think about ending it for your own peace of mind and, more importantly, safety.

greeneggsandjam Sat 26-Jul-14 17:34:41

What does he mean he will fight for you? Can you get a friend to stay with you and tell him clearly you will call the police if he contacts you again?

Beautifulmonster Sat 26-Jul-14 18:34:39

I've thought of another one - making random excuses to call at my house (I live out in the sticks) including needing the toilet. Today it was to pick something up which he had supposedly left. Even though I told him it wasn't here he came to look for it anyway. He didn't find it.

Fairylea Sat 26-Jul-14 18:36:18

Run. And don't look back.

JohnFarleysRuskin Sat 26-Jul-14 18:36:32

You had us at point number one.

He sounds horrendous. Good luck dumping him, make sure you are safe.

StandsOnGoldenSands Sat 26-Jul-14 18:44:03

A year?! Jesus I wouldn't have stood a month of this. Ditch immediately, be careful about your personal safety, and if you really didn't have alarm bells ringing much earlier on then consider doing something like the Freedom programme to help you learn to trust your instincts. Please don't date again til you can do that.

whereisshe Sat 26-Jul-14 18:46:14

Bunny boiler. Run. His behaviour isn't just smothering, it's obsessive and unhinged.

Muuuumimbored Sat 26-Jul-14 18:59:09

My ex did all those things to me, at first i thought it was because he loved me and cared for me (this was my first relatinship after my previous ex was violent) i thought he was looking out for me. It was about a year n half later he started hitting me and pushing and shuving me about.

Beautifulmonster Sat 26-Jul-14 19:02:02

You have to be really strong to end things, don't you, when you know it will not be taken well?

FabULouse Sat 26-Jul-14 19:03:05

Possessive, obsessive jailer

Get him out of your life (and be prepared to involve police at an early stage - he will not go quietly, I guarantee you)

Be mindful of your safety

Make sure he doesn't have a key

Muuuumimbored Sat 26-Jul-14 19:03:42

Yes you do, my ex has promised to make my life hell. He cant do any worse than what he already has.

LumpySpacedPrincess Sat 26-Jul-14 19:06:03

Run for the hills. I would just text to end it then not engage with him after that. Do not talk face to face as he will use the opportunity to his advantage. I hate the phrase that he will fight for you. You are a human being, not a thing. If you have ended it before then it is patronising that he doesn't take you at your word.

Seriously, just text him that it's over due to his obsessive and controlling behaviour.

LumpySpacedPrincess Sat 26-Jul-14 19:06:55

Does he have a key? If so change the locks.

Beautifulmonster Sat 26-Jul-14 19:09:08

No he doesn't have a key fortunately. I know he will just turn up though as he has done that each time I have tried to end it - 'please just see me. I need to know why etc.'

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