My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Feeling smothered

183 replies

Beautifulmonster · 26/07/2014 17:16

Been seeing a guy for a year. What do you think of the following:

  • about 20 texts a day, more if I don't reply, even more if we have had a falling out
  • at least 3 phone calls a day (I hate talking on the phone) sometimes at inconvenient times eg when I am at work and he knows I can't talk
  • pretending to be cool about me going out (I rarely go out) but when I do making me feel guilty by saying, I wish you had told me before and asking the same questions over and over eg about who is going as if to catch me out
  • when I had builders in my home, kept turning up unexpectedly at odd times as if to check up on me
  • ringing me all day long about what time the builders were finishing and what time they left and did they phone and who phoned etc
  • turned up outside my home at 9am one Sunday after a rare Saturday night to myself (he lives 30 miles away) accusing me of having a man in the house as my friend's car was on the drive and she had got a taxi home. He had driven to my home to check up on me
  • asking over and over about drinks in my fridge and saying the lager was a man's drink, who was it for etc
  • offering to do things to help me out but putting himself out so much it embarrasses me and then throwing at me in an argument that he feels used

It is as if he doesn't have enough in his life. He keeps texting saying he is bored. It puts pressure on me.
I have tried to end it several times but he says he will fight for me. I know I have got to say a definitive no and stick to it. Can you understand why I am feeling smothered?
OP posts:
Xenadog · 26/07/2014 17:19

The scarlet bunting is out I'm afraid. He is being incredibly controlling and the longer you leave it the worse it will get.

scrufhead · 26/07/2014 17:21

Oh Christ on a bike! peg it!!!!

farendofafart · 26/07/2014 17:22

God, I feel smothered on your behalf! This cannot end well. He clearly feels insecure and has jealousy issues. This will escalate if you stay together.

Twitterqueen · 26/07/2014 17:23

Get rid - immediately. This is not just controlling it's - seriously - potentially dangerous.

Beautifulmonster · 26/07/2014 17:27

I'm even more worried now.

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 26/07/2014 17:28

Wow. Get out of this 'relationship' ASAP.

gamerchick · 26/07/2014 17:28

Yes he needs dumping...It may be a bit tough and a bit if a rocky ride but if you've tried and given in then the next time needs to be he last.

Tell him it's over and he's to leave you alone.. log everything with dates and times and if he makes to much of a pest of himself ask a policeman to have a word.

Good luck.

kaykayblue · 26/07/2014 17:28

Obsessive creepy weirdo.

Just finish it already. He clearly has some incredibly strong trust issues and after just a year together...?

Beautifulmonster · 26/07/2014 17:32

Oh god it must be so obvious. I know he will take it badly.

OP posts:
greeneggsandjam · 26/07/2014 17:33

He will get worse and worse and worse. Put an end to it right now. Do not get involved with discussions with him. Do not let him in to talk about things. Life is too short. Why are there so many strange people in this world??

hoboken · 26/07/2014 17:34

Many, many red flags. His actions and demands are completely beyond reasonable and so extreme that I would seriously think about ending it for your own peace of mind and, more importantly, safety.

greeneggsandjam · 26/07/2014 17:34

What does he mean he will fight for you? Can you get a friend to stay with you and tell him clearly you will call the police if he contacts you again?

Beautifulmonster · 26/07/2014 18:34

I've thought of another one - making random excuses to call at my house (I live out in the sticks) including needing the toilet. Today it was to pick something up which he had supposedly left. Even though I told him it wasn't here he came to look for it anyway. He didn't find it.

OP posts:
Fairylea · 26/07/2014 18:36

Run. And don't look back.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 26/07/2014 18:36

You had us at point number one.

He sounds horrendous. Good luck dumping him, make sure you are safe.

StandsOnGoldenSands · 26/07/2014 18:44

A year?! Jesus I wouldn't have stood a month of this. Ditch immediately, be careful about your personal safety, and if you really didn't have alarm bells ringing much earlier on then consider doing something like the Freedom programme to help you learn to trust your instincts. Please don't date again til you can do that.

whereisshe · 26/07/2014 18:46

Bunny boiler. Run. His behaviour isn't just smothering, it's obsessive and unhinged.

Muuuumimbored · 26/07/2014 18:59

My ex did all those things to me, at first i thought it was because he loved me and cared for me (this was my first relatinship after my previous ex was violent) i thought he was looking out for me. It was about a year n half later he started hitting me and pushing and shuving me about.

Beautifulmonster · 26/07/2014 19:02

You have to be really strong to end things, don't you, when you know it will not be taken well?

OP posts:
FabULouse · 26/07/2014 19:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Muuuumimbored · 26/07/2014 19:03

Yes you do, my ex has promised to make my life hell. He cant do any worse than what he already has.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 26/07/2014 19:06

Run for the hills. I would just text to end it then not engage with him after that. Do not talk face to face as he will use the opportunity to his advantage. I hate the phrase that he will fight for you. You are a human being, not a thing. If you have ended it before then it is patronising that he doesn't take you at your word.

Seriously, just text him that it's over due to his obsessive and controlling behaviour.

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

LumpySpacedPrincess · 26/07/2014 19:06

Does he have a key? If so change the locks.

Beautifulmonster · 26/07/2014 19:09

No he doesn't have a key fortunately. I know he will just turn up though as he has done that each time I have tried to end it - 'please just see me. I need to know why etc.'

OP posts:
Hissy · 26/07/2014 19:09

Precisely because it 'won't be taken well' is EXACTLY why you have to end it sooner rather than later.

Every day you allow this man to control and abuse you (because he is abusive) is another day longer that it'll take you to recover and heal from it.

You can do this, you must do this.

This kind of behaviour normally takes 2 years to start making it's presence felt.

He's well ahead of that programme which means he'll be violent faster.

Cos he will.

This is a dangerous man.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.