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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Needy partner

128 replies

Christie1971 · 14/07/2015 13:26

Hello I would appreciate anyone's advice as I'm going out of my mind not knowing if I should end my relationship and can't make my mind up if I am being cleverly controlled. Please bear with me. I met my partner three years ago . I was previously married and endured a tiring and volatile time. I have two DCs age 9 and 12. When I met my new partner 'A' he was attentive gentle and such a lovely man which he still is. He sold his house and moved in with me after a year , he has a daughter age 6. He became increasingly clingy to me and wanted to be wherever I went which was nice at the time as I wasn't used to it. He then became irritated if I was to go out or see my friends without him. I have to go in the bathroom to text friends as he wants to know who it is why they are texting me and what our conversations are about . He watches my every move when I'm at home and wants to know why j am going upstairs etc. he sits on the bed while I am getting ready and comes on while I am having a bath to talk to me. He texts me constantly and wants pics of where I am trying to make out he just wants to see my face.I feel I can't breathe. I lied to him when I went to see my best friend for s coffee as I wanted some space. He found the coffee receipt in the bin and tallied it up to a text is sent saying I was doing something else. I feel completely suffocated I've tried to talk to him but it just goes back to how it was. I tried to end it last week but he started throwing up and saying he can't cope without me. There's much more I won't go on but interested to see if anyone else has been in this situation ? Xx

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 15/07/2015 12:46

I was so upset when my sister told me as it had been going on for almost a year and she'd kept it to herself. She hadn't said anything because of how ashamed she'd felt as she thought it was her fault Sad

When I left her house after she first told me I got in my car and rang my husband in absolute tears. I told him my sister needed help and asked if her and the children could come and stay with us. DH was wonderful about it all.

I'm glad you've found the strength to leave him and we're all behind you Flowers

Original poster
Christie1971 · 15/07/2015 13:02

That's how I feel and because i waited a while following my divorce to see anyone again and everyone was so pleased , I felt like I would be letting everyone down and ashamed that people might think it was my fault in another failed relationship . My parents however had cottoned on to the fact something was wrong as my dad said he noticed when we were round there , dad would be having a conversation with him and if I got up to do something his eyes would be following me everywhere until I sat back down . Also when I was at my parents alone they would notice how many times he would be texting me . They have only just told me this . X

OP posts:
Thenapoleonofcrime · 15/07/2015 13:07

Christie as a mother yourself, how would you feel if this was one of your children? You wouldn't be cross they got themselves into this situation, you would be worried and want to do anything to help them (and the GC) out. I think it sounds like you have a great support system in your sister, family and friends, and they will just all be glad you are ok. Nothing to feel ashamed about, you are not at fault, this man was very very plausible.

Original poster
Christie1971 · 15/07/2015 13:12

I know , I would be heartbroken if it was one of my children that's true . My family will be behind me . I am going over later to let them know what's happening x

OP posts:
truthaboutlove · 15/07/2015 14:00

Good luck op. I think you need to do this sooner rather than later now you have made your mind up.

wannaBe · 15/07/2015 14:50

the problem with men like him is that their control is quiet and sadistic under a vale of niceness rather than agressive. So in the beginning it seems rather sweet that he just wants to see your face but that quickly escalates into you needing to check in with him, coming to talk to you while you're in the bath seems lovely in the beginning because you're creating a relationship, but it doesn't take long for being happy spending time together to turn into feeling trapped because you can't breathe without him commenting on it.

But because he's nice it's very difficult to confront.

The difference between being suffocating and being caring is that caring doesn't have the expectation attached. And when someone cares you feel safe, when they have expectations you feel unsafe, and trapped.

Sometimes if I am travelling alone my dp says "let me know when you're on a train/back home etc," and often I will call him on my way home if e.g. I am travelling back home late at night (we don't live together atm) because he likes to know that I am safe and I don't particularly like travelling home late at night so it's nice to have someone to talk to. But never in a million years would he get annoyed if I didn't call because I had e.g. got talking to a member of the public and not thought of it. I have been in a relationship with expectations attached and it is truely horrible. In my case the guy in question had major insecurities and the relationship ended in violence, (this was years ago and thankfully fairly brief) but I remember all too well the expectation that I would be somewhere and the question of where I had been if I didn't stay in constant touch and justify my every move. The only saving grace for me was that mobile phones were non existant back then, otherwise I can only imagine what it would have been like.

I am so glad that you have decided to leave him. This is the only answer.

Original poster
Christie1971 · 15/07/2015 15:18

That's exactly it , all the expectations . If I don't call or get chatting in the playground he sulks . He ruined my holiday not so long ago I went with my kids and sister and it wasn't always easy to get wifi to text him unless I went back to the room. If we were out I felt under pressure to get back which caused my sister to have words with me . I have blocked him from what sap as he knew if I'd read his text and not replied straight away . He asked me to go back on it as he can reach me quicker . If I've not been in touch with h within an hour I have to account for it !!! I went to keep fit class other day with my friend , he sulked when he found out saying he'd been asking me for ages to do something like that he then went online to the gym asking what time my class was and what it involved . He also booked himself into the next class with me which I declined as I want to do something on my own . Sorry , I'm really opening the flood gates x

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 15/07/2015 15:30

Keep writing everything down here.
It helps to see it all in writing.
Makes you realise that things were bad and you are more than justified with your responses.

Jackie0 · 15/07/2015 15:50

Ok Christie,you're on the right path ,stay strong and stay safe.
Don't be guilt tripped into trying to explain to him when the time comes. I actually think you should say nothing because no matter what you say it won't make any difference and might just enrage him.
You don't owe him an explanation ,you don't owe him anything .
Best of luck with everything , its the start of a new life Wink

FantasticButtocks · 15/07/2015 18:02

This sounds very claustrophobic. What has he said when you've told him you don't like being constantly followed and monitored and kept tabs on? Have you even been able to express this? Have you had conversations about it? Were you ever able to tell him you wanted time to yourself or a bath on your own?

FantasticButtocks · 15/07/2015 18:07

Sorry, I've just read your OP and seen that you have tried to talk to him, but to no avail.

He sounds dreadful. Best of luck getting away.

FantasticButtocks · 15/07/2015 18:08

reread your OP

HappenstanceMarmite · 16/07/2015 08:05

Hope Christie is ok.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 17/07/2015 14:31

Thinking of you, Christie. I hope you are ok.

Floundering · 18/07/2015 00:38

Hope all is well Christie & you are safely out at your sisters x

LadyOrangutan · 18/07/2015 09:30

Hope you're okay Christie and you've got out safely

Original poster
Christie1971 · 20/07/2015 03:41

All is ok thankyou . I will be going this Tuesday . Have been away last couple of days so has given me time to think and plan carefully . will keep you informed . Love and best wishes

OP posts:
ToddleWaddle · 20/07/2015 05:36

Glad you are leaving. Hope it all goes to plan.

hesterton · 20/07/2015 05:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

paxtecum · 20/07/2015 05:47

Good luck!

learntoloveagain · 20/07/2015 07:56

Good luck. Glad you have a plan.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 20/07/2015 10:59

Good luck Christie

HPsauciness · 20/07/2015 11:18

Also thinking about you tomorrow, good luck with it all, you are absolutely doing the right thing, and as everyone else says, stay safe.

Floundering · 20/07/2015 17:05

Oh well done you, so glad plans are coming together & be safe tomorrow, your new life awaits! Grin

Anniegetyourgun · 20/07/2015 17:24

Thinking about you, Christie. Hope all goes well. If it doesn't work out on this occasion, though, there's always Plan B which I'm sure everyone here as well as your family would be delighted to help you with!