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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Needy partner

128 replies

Christie1971 · 14/07/2015 13:26

Hello I would appreciate anyone's advice as I'm going out of my mind not knowing if I should end my relationship and can't make my mind up if I am being cleverly controlled. Please bear with me. I met my partner three years ago . I was previously married and endured a tiring and volatile time. I have two DCs age 9 and 12. When I met my new partner 'A' he was attentive gentle and such a lovely man which he still is. He sold his house and moved in with me after a year , he has a daughter age 6. He became increasingly clingy to me and wanted to be wherever I went which was nice at the time as I wasn't used to it. He then became irritated if I was to go out or see my friends without him. I have to go in the bathroom to text friends as he wants to know who it is why they are texting me and what our conversations are about . He watches my every move when I'm at home and wants to know why j am going upstairs etc. he sits on the bed while I am getting ready and comes on while I am having a bath to talk to me. He texts me constantly and wants pics of where I am trying to make out he just wants to see my face.I feel I can't breathe. I lied to him when I went to see my best friend for s coffee as I wanted some space. He found the coffee receipt in the bin and tallied it up to a text is sent saying I was doing something else. I feel completely suffocated I've tried to talk to him but it just goes back to how it was. I tried to end it last week but he started throwing up and saying he can't cope without me. There's much more I won't go on but interested to see if anyone else has been in this situation ? Xx

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 14/07/2015 13:38

Yes you should end it.
This is a nightmare.
Your life if being totally controlled by this man. Every minute of your life.
That is certainly no way to live and he will NEVER change.
Please end it and get him gone.
He will threaten all sorts. This type always do.
You must ignore and block him.
If he threatens suicide then call the emergency services immediately.
They will give him the wake up call he needs to ensure he doesn't threaten you with that again.
He managed before you arrived and he will again.

And please... get yourself signed up the the Womens Aid Freedom Programme. There were red flags from the beginning that you missed or ignored. You can't do that again. You need to spot these controlling abusive men before it gets to this.
Don't listed to his crap just get him gone.

Original poster
Christie1971 · 14/07/2015 13:38

to continue this story he bought a bigger house for all of us while mine was on the market . We now live in it and my name not on the mortgage as he says he wants to put all my equity ( more than he had ) into the house to renovate it. Plus he had already gone ahead with the mortgage before I sold my house. I mindful I am now not on the mortgage ladder at age 43 also that if I throw mymoney into the house I could lose it if anything happens . He asks me for half the bills even though he earns considerably more than me and he initially said when we got the house and I was worried about this that he would sort it out . He has just booked a trip for us abroad and asked me for the money to pay for it. I never took a penny off him when he moved in with me and not to mention losing my single parent benefits . I have never been so worse off :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Christie1971 · 14/07/2015 13:41

Thanks Hells it helps so much that I'm not going insane . Do you really think I should sign up ? How do I do this ? On line ?

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 14/07/2015 13:42

Get out now before you give him any more of your money.
This is financial abuse as well.

Seriously.
Do not give him money for the holiday just leave and do it fast.
Don't even tell him. Just pack your stuff one day when he's out and get out of there.
If you can, for now, start gathering your paperwork and putting it somewhere safe, out of the house. So a friend or family member or a bank safe.
And please delete your browsing history every time you log out of mumsnet!
This is truly scary behaviour and you need to be careful!

GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt · 14/07/2015 13:43

Do you still have the equity from the sale of your house?
Do not hand it over to renovate the house of someone who doesn't even put you on the mortgage! That's simply giving your money away.

You really, really must leave him.

hellsbellsmelons · 14/07/2015 13:44

You can do it online or you can call them and enrol with a local course that you attend which is better to do.
But online will also help you enormously.

Honestly - your story is giving me goosebumps and making my stomach knotty!

Original poster
Christie1971 · 14/07/2015 13:49

Ok thank you I will. Also I won't be handing my money over although he asks for it everyday , I am under pressure everyday for money as he now says he can't afford to run the house despite be giving him my own half to the bills which leaves me with virtually nothing . On the day the mortgage was to complete he asked me for my savings of 5k toward the deposit so it would give a lower mortgage deposit I feel sick when I think I handed it over .

OP posts:
Original poster
Christie1971 · 14/07/2015 13:52

Hells I've thought about moving out when he's not there but he is working from home constantly whereas he usually is away I feel like he's turning down work just to watch me that I don't get out

OP posts:
lavenderhoney · 14/07/2015 13:53

You tried to end it and he won't listen. So now he really will be watching you. This is not a man to watch you pack and be calm about it. Your DC must think he's beyond weird.

Do you work? If so take all your paperwork and put it at the office.

Don't give him holiday money and don't give him any money at all for a house. You can rent, you could find somewhere, and rent it, then move out quickly. Although I think you might want to call women's aid and ask for help to leave as safely as possible.

Anniegetyourgun · 14/07/2015 13:54

Get out of there - quickly. While you still have a penny to your name and a soul you can call your own.

hellsbellsmelons · 14/07/2015 13:59

Yes - Womens Aid can help you get away safely.
Give them a call when you can.

Original poster
Christie1971 · 14/07/2015 14:07

I hid my paperwork a while ago in the boot of my car but now moved it to my sisters

OP posts:
BrowersBlues · 14/07/2015 14:09

How will he react if you say you are leaving with the children?

Do you have anyone who can help you move out of the house? If not, sort out somewhere to stay, even on a temporary basis, and get out of there as soon as you can. If you have no support ring the police and ask them to be present when you leave. I did this and they were very supportive. Without an escort things could have turned very nasty. Men like him don't react well to their partners leaving.

This is a very serious situation and his behaviour is classic abusive behaviour. Do not give him any money and protect everything you have. Contact the bank and get advice regarding any joint accounts or credit cards.

I am not trying to scare you but MNs have been in this situation in varying degrees, myself included. You have only one option and that is to leave him whatever way you manage to do it and as soon as you can.

Make sure you don't leave mumnset open on any devices that you use including your phone. You can do this and you do have a future without him.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 14/07/2015 14:10

Oh my god
I feel sick and panicky just imagining your life. You absolutely must get out :(

DarkNavyBlue · 14/07/2015 14:13

I would not put up with this.

My ex DH was a bit like this, and that is why I left him.

Joysmum · 14/07/2015 14:27

Our relationship started off with me being the needy and insecure one.

Difference is, I was never controlling and abusive, just scared I'd get hurt.

He's gone so far over the line you'd need binoculars to see him!

Please get yourself and your kids away from him Sad

truthaboutlove · 14/07/2015 14:40

The more you tell us, the worse it sounds. I think you need to get out ASAP.

Make excuses about the money. Don't give him any more.

Is there someone who can support you?

It is very worrying that you think he is not working just so he can keep an eye on you.

midnightvelvetPart2 · 14/07/2015 14:47

Bloody hell Christie, my stomach is twisting for you.

If you did try to leave, what do you think his first reaction would be?

badtime · 14/07/2015 14:49

Jesus Christ, just leave. That is horrific.

CalmYourselfTubbs · 14/07/2015 14:54

get out. now.
before he does something much worse.
get your stuff and the kids and just go.
NOW.

JanuaryKat · 14/07/2015 15:09

I have recently escaped a similar situation.
Your partner isn't needy, he's manipulative & controlling. You will not realise to what extent until you have mental & physical space from him.
Could you go to your sister's? Do you have friends/family you can confide in?
Good luck xx

SocialMediaAddict · 14/07/2015 15:13

It's not needy. It's abuse.

Good luck. Be strong. Leave him ASAP.

butterflygirl15 · 14/07/2015 15:19

bloody hell - my blood runs cold. Leave immediately. No looking back.

SolidGoldBrass · 14/07/2015 15:24

Yup, pack a bag, grab the kids and go. And have a word with the local police DV unit to the effect that you have left your abusive partner - given that your children are not his children, he has no power over you and you can cut him out of your lives completely.
You may need further support from the police and WA to get rid of him, but that support is available.
Remember this: he is not your lovely partner. He is an inadequate, abusive prick who means you harm so do not give him an inch.

Original poster
Christie1971 · 14/07/2015 15:32

You have all given me so much strength to do this thank you so much , to think I didn't think this was as serious as it actually is scares me and I wasn't going to post on here .

OP posts: