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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why does this always end up as an argument? Please help

137 replies

Sleepyhoglet · 10/07/2015 20:31

Yes, it's that age old problem- housework. We've just had another argument about it and DH has said that most people would think I don't do enough. Am I impressed?! Pretty peeved off.

I'm on maternity leave while he works 4.5 days a week. Due to the problems I suggested a few months back that we set ourself a manageable target of bathrooms being cleaned once a week (by me- floors, loos etc) and that the house is hoovered once a week (by him) and that hear jobs can be done anytime.

He says that given I'm on mat leave he shouldn't be expected to do 50% of the housework.

Given that I've stepped up since having the baby (do more washing and cooking) I think this is a bit rich. I make all the baby's food and meal plan and make most of our food.

He's too lazy to iron any of his clothes despite having to wear a shirt to work (has non iron ones) and this argument kicked off because I asked him to move his shirts from the ironing basket.

Am in in the wrong to think he's being a twat?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sleepyhoglet · 10/07/2015 22:37

He's not on my case for either of us to do jobs. Tried a rota eg the him hoovering and me doig bathrooms but he doesn't do his big job (the hoovering) so I end up not doing mine. We do daily things (cooking, washing up, sweeping, laundry) and that's ok, it's just the more thorough cleaning - bathroom, kitchen and hoovering that need doing and DONT get done! He does help with baby but if he's in a bad mood gets all woe is me I've been at work etc and doesn't appreciate that looking after her all day has been draining too.

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worserevived · 10/07/2015 22:37

Sleepy she's your first, I was the same with my first. I rarely had time for a meal because I was so busy. I now have a 5 month old baby and a two year old and I always have time for a meal. I even drink my tea hot!

You can set her down for 10 minutes even if she is grizzling, nothing bad will happen. You have to when you have two as you can't deal with both at the same time. Try and think about it that way as it sounds like you are running yourself ragged.

If she has been fed, and changed so is comfortable put her in the playpen and eat your lunch.

As for housework, don't fight about it. It's just housework.

LilMissSunshine9 · 10/07/2015 22:38

CandleFairy my issue with that is why does that even have to happen. Why as an adult can a man not just pitch in without women having to resort to using tactics like that. To me it is just seems ridiculous. Does he do the same back? Does a man ever have to use such a tactic on a woman? I don't think so really because a sad fact is women know what needs to be done and do it without the need for such ways.

Original poster
Sleepyhoglet · 10/07/2015 22:39

Everything is a disappointment. I bet he won't bother with our wedding anniversary. I have to ask him to do something for my birthday. He never does impulsive generous surprises. I just need praise and appreciation in practical ways to feel motivated.

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Original poster
Sleepyhoglet · 10/07/2015 22:39

I don't want him to come upstairs. I don't want to talk to him.

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Original poster
Sleepyhoglet · 10/07/2015 22:40

Yes, he often puts baby to bed although.

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LilMissSunshine9 · 10/07/2015 22:40

I also meant to add why do we have reward our husbands because they one day took the initiative to do the laundry on their own accord or changed a nappy? Does you husband reward you for doing those things day in day?

Original poster
Sleepyhoglet · 10/07/2015 22:40

She's breastfed though so often needs me

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chocolatedrops31 · 10/07/2015 22:43

I agree with worse -I have 3 children (including baby twins) and always ensure house is clean and tidy and vacuumed by time DH gets home at 6:30. If they complain a bit, that's ok-you can't hold them constantly and you can try and involve baby a bit with peekaboo games etc or do majority while she's napping. Also-it seems the main issues are over the heavy cleaning-so get a cleaner in once a week-really worth the phone call, given all the arguments it'll solve

Original poster
Sleepyhoglet · 10/07/2015 22:43

I don't think I will ever be happy. I always feel unhappy and want to shower all the time and just want to shave my hair off. Don't think skin head look would suit though

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Cloudhowe63 · 10/07/2015 22:43

I bet if you just got on and did all the things you nah him to do it would give him the incentive tondo some of your chores

I suspect he'd let her get on with it.

Original poster
Sleepyhoglet · 10/07/2015 22:48

Chocolate drops- I think you are missing the point. Why does the woman have to be responsible for the house? I give up. It doesn't matter what others think. I've had enough

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Original poster
Sleepyhoglet · 10/07/2015 22:50

I've always worked full time and am going back to work full time. I am not a part time sahm and have never seen it as my job to be in charge of the house. Shared yes, but I can't deal with trying to take control and then being branded the bad guy by dh and it causing such an unpleasant atmosphere.

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Original poster
Sleepyhoglet · 10/07/2015 22:50

And he says he's so exhausted by doesn't go to be till gone 11.

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Original poster
Sleepyhoglet · 10/07/2015 22:51

Neither does he bother to shave. Wears the same underpants day in day out/ ditto socks.

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Cloudhowe63 · 10/07/2015 22:53

Sleepy is not her DH's parent. He is a grown adult who has fathered a child and needs to show her more respect as a partner.

Original poster
Sleepyhoglet · 10/07/2015 22:54

If he was in sole charge of the baby he'd probably just feed her banana and bread

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butterfly133 · 10/07/2015 22:57

Sleepy, this is a worry. My first thought was that if you didn't want the baby, why didn't you go to back to work etc? You sound really bored and unhappy and I understand that adding boring housework into that is making you resentful.

I'm not going to comment on duty division because it seems so individual but it seems odd to me that you do his ironing, unless you do a bunch of other ironing and you like it or something?

Also, to be frank, the fact that he needs you to tell him to shower is odd. I'd stand back from doing anything like that and only do the stuff that benefits you. It sounds like he needs to grow up.

One hour hoovering per week doesn't sound like any duties really.

Can you have a day a week to yourself? It sounds like you need it.

LilMissSunshine9 · 10/07/2015 22:58

I wonder how many of your husbands reward you for doing things for them? I just despair at this attitude of having to somehow train your husband or reward him for doing something everytime he does it because then he will do it more often. WHY?? Does he tell you everytime he comes home to a nice meal and a clean house how grateful he is - I doubt it - so why on earth do women have to constantly reward their men for doing what is essentially common sense adult responsibilities.

Original poster
Sleepyhoglet · 10/07/2015 22:59

I am back at work part time. Can't go back full time at moment due to childcare and cost being prohibitive

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Original poster
Sleepyhoglet · 10/07/2015 23:00

I don't do his ironing! His shirts just happened to be in the basket

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Original poster
Sleepyhoglet · 10/07/2015 23:00

I don't want to sleep next to someone who is all greasy and unclean hence why I ask him to shower.

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Lavenderice · 10/07/2015 23:04

You don't like your husband
You don't like 'the baby'
You admit that your cleanliness standards are too low
You need generous impulsive gifts
you need more praise
You want to shave your hair off
You feel ugly

Please go and seek some professional help. You really do need it. Flowers

Original poster
Sleepyhoglet · 10/07/2015 23:05

I feel really fat since having the baby too and I will say oh do I look bad or am I too fat and he will just say oh well you could go to the gym.

For the record my bmi is actually fine, but I just get the impression he thinks in fat and ugly

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Original poster
Sleepyhoglet · 10/07/2015 23:07

I don't think I need any help and in doubt any GP would take me seriously. My dh just says I'm a spoilt brat.

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