Why does this always end up as an argument? Please help

[Sleepyhoglet]

Yes, it's that age old problem- housework. We've just had another argument about it and DH has said that most people would think I don't do enough. Am I impressed?! Pretty peeved off.

I'm on maternity leave while he works 4.5 days a week. Due to the problems I suggested a few months back that we set ourself a manageable target of bathrooms being cleaned once a week (by me- floors, loos etc) and that the house is hoovered once a week (by him) and that hear jobs can be done anytime.

He says that given I'm on mat leave he shouldn't be expected to do 50% of the housework.

Given that I've stepped up since having the baby (do more washing and cooking) I think this is a bit rich. I make all the baby's food and meal plan and make most of our food.

He's too lazy to iron any of his clothes despite having to wear a shirt to work (has non iron ones) and this argument kicked off because I asked him to move his shirts from the ironing basket.

Am in in the wrong to think he's being a twat?

I have to disagree with the posters saying woman: clean house, look after baby. Man: provide money. Whilst on mat leave I was still contributing to household income to the usual degree for the first 6 months and did all the school runs. You should be a team. Not everything has to be split down the middle 50/50 but it should be a fair allocation of house work if you both live their. It isn't a bloody hotel. You're not the housekeeper

When I'm not with the baby I find it quite easy to forget about her.

there bangs head on wall

When I was on maternity leave I got very little housework done. Managed the laundry cycle (generally a couple of loads a day, as DS was a spewer, and we use washable nappies), and sometimes if he was happy in his high chair after lunch, I'd get the dishes done and give surfaces a wipe. He's terrified of the vacuum cleaner, so that can only be done if he's been taken out for a walk. Saturdays I did ironing and the garden, plus a general tidy.

DH did all the cooking and shopping, cleaned kitchen and bathroom once a week and dusted (not strictly necessary, in my book, but he seems to enjoy it!). So I'd say DH did more housework than me. He also helped with the baby - baths, changes etc (although after every dirty nappy he'd complain that I now owed him 5 nappy changes, until I pointed out that I change dirty nappies when he's not there, and don't mention it!).

It really does depend on your baby, and what stage they're at, their temperament, needs etc. - even how long they sleep, and how predictable it is (DS naps at random times, and when I put him down I don't know whether I'll get 10 minutes or an hour and a half, so I can't start into a big job in the house in case he wakes up; my sister's DS naps like clockwork, so when he goes down she knows she has an hour until he wakes up).

Some days all I managed was to survive the day. One glorious day I got loads of cleaning done, and even made a cake.

To me being at home and mat leave is much harder than being at work.and I had a relatively stressful job.

Dh fully appreciated whatever I managed to get done in the day because I had gallivanted off for a weekend and left him to look after ds1. Two days and an evening of a child and no one to share that burden with.

It's the day to day grind of it all, it must be novelty when he does it one day a week but day in day out is tough.

The floor does need to be hoovered though, especially because you have a crawling baby.

Are you OK Hoglet? Could you have PND or something? Not everyone enjoys the baby stage, I found mine incredibly dull until they were 10 months or so.

I agree with the poster up thread who says how much you can do depends on how high needs your baby is. Thing is, it doesn't really make a bit of difference what other people get done on maternity leave; it's what works for you and your family that's important.

Sorry OP I'm back now was just tidying lounge waiting for my takeaway lol, ok so I hover with my 11 month old, she actually loves the hover, she'll chase me when it's on lol, I polish with a baby wipe literally kept in my pockets and just do this as I'm going along, baby wipe for skirting boards and walls etc couldn't live without them!

While baby is in the bath I clean the bathroom, put sorry laundry into two piles etc, or I generally do a quick wipe around the bathroom once husband and eldest has gone to school (after I do the school run) I find if I keep on top of it everyday then it's so much easier to keep up! And if I'm too tired one day or sick with my pregnancy it doesn't matter because I've done all the cleaning yesterday

I do a lot of cleaning once kids are in bed because with toys there's NOoooo point when they're awake but again I keep on Top of it throughout the day, so at night I'm just putting away the last things they played with

Cleaner problem is that if have to take the initiative to organise it. And it's not fair. I don't want to shoulder the burdens all the time. I feel overburdened. Maybe that makes me crap that I can't handle relatively small burdens but I just cant.

u need a playpen!

Regardless of what your DH does or doesn't do around the house you seem to be making a meal of things. One baby isn't that much work. If you need them to stay in one place get a play pen, or use a sling. I used a basic travel cot in the kitchen to keep dd out of harms way when I was cooking or doing other house work. That lasts until they can climb out, so you'll get quite a few months use out of one if you get it now.

I dont think he should have to do 50% housework give he is working, but he should spend time with the baby when he is at home.

hoglet get a travel cot, fill with toys, pop crawling baby in and you're free!

Also, you need to talk to someone. You are feeling isolated and resentful. You need to feel successful and work on liking yourself.

I agree OP. Work- piece of piss. Yes it's hard work but at least there's a beginning, a middle, an end. With a baby it's constant moving goal posts and weird expectations of what should be. And I had/ have a demanding job too.

Do you have much support? Do you get out to groups/ activities much? First time of Mat leave I was out all the time. . . I coped by being out. This time around I've been much happier mooching and doing very little.

Would highly recommend reading Naomi Stadler (sp?) what mothers do (when it looks like nothing at all) zIt's a good book which should give you a deeper appreciation for what you're doing all day. Changed my perspective.

I have a playpen and a sling.

Hoovering with a baby in a sling is bloody hard work when she weighs almost 10k. I just find entertaining her and playing with her draining.

I'm always with her. I don't think he understands. I've always got to think about whether I've got a change bag, or water bottle/food etc.

Maybe if he acts like a big baby you'll take care of him too.
Do you both get equal child-free time to recharge your batteries?
Both of you are parents.

I like myself, just not my dh! I sometimes forget to make lunch for myself I'm so busy with her. She has lunch then wants a bfeed then a play and then I realise I haven't eaten so end up eating crap.

When I had my DD there's no way the childcare took up enough of my day to ensure I couldn't do the housework and meals.

Given that, I'd pretty much do it all but there were weeks when I couldn't but DH would know i wasn't taking the piss and pitch in with what was needed.

Generally speaking though there was no way his hours were less than mine so why shouldn't I have kept the home running most of the time.

Also, going out is great but buggers up her napping so I dont get any down time

Honestly? I think you should be doing more.

Mine was adoption leave rather than maternity but went from no kids to 2 under 18 months within 5 months. I did all of the housework, washing, shopping, everything. I would never cross my mind to do anything else - you are at home, other person is at work.

Just like when he is off, he does everything.

The question is why CAN'T YOU hoover with a 7month old??..put baby in baby bouncer/sling/playmat or on your hip like a pp said and hoover. It takes minutes.

I hoover daily (every evening) and mop once a week (when dd is in bed). Bathroom is given a deep clean once/twice a week, but wiped down every second day. Other rooms are dusted/wiped down twice a week. The key is to keep on top of it all. I clean as I cook...so only have the dishwasher to fill after meals. Dishwasher gets put on in evening before bed and is ready to empty when I get up. I put on a clothes wash nearly every morning and hang it out/up after breakfast and getting dressed etc.

This isn't supposed to be a bash or look at what I do post. Just giving you an idea of how you could fit things in. The key is to make it a part of your routine/day. And by keeping on top of it, it doesn't get on top of you.

I always found that no matter how badly the morning had gone a trip out with fresh air to the park with the pram did us both a wonder of good. Baby sleeps. Mummy gets peace, fresh air, vitamin D. Also sometikes managed to bring pram in house with sleeping baby inside still asleep and then relax

Wait a minute- the hoovering does not take minutes! We don't live in a single story flat. It probably takes 45 minutes-1hr to do properly.

You sound overwhelmed and resentful. I can empathise as I felt the same after my second child. I felt his clinginess was a sign of me being a useless parent and got so little time to do things even the smallest jobs became overwhelming and were put off.
Please speak to your gp or health visitor