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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why does this always end up as an argument? Please help

137 replies

Sleepyhoglet · 10/07/2015 20:31

Yes, it's that age old problem- housework. We've just had another argument about it and DH has said that most people would think I don't do enough. Am I impressed?! Pretty peeved off.

I'm on maternity leave while he works 4.5 days a week. Due to the problems I suggested a few months back that we set ourself a manageable target of bathrooms being cleaned once a week (by me- floors, loos etc) and that the house is hoovered once a week (by him) and that hear jobs can be done anytime.

He says that given I'm on mat leave he shouldn't be expected to do 50% of the housework.

Given that I've stepped up since having the baby (do more washing and cooking) I think this is a bit rich. I make all the baby's food and meal plan and make most of our food.

He's too lazy to iron any of his clothes despite having to wear a shirt to work (has non iron ones) and this argument kicked off because I asked him to move his shirts from the ironing basket.

Am in in the wrong to think he's being a twat?

OP posts:
LilMissSunshine9 · 10/07/2015 22:09

I don't really understand why looking after a baby comes into it at all to be honest. If your husband was single and living in his own house he would have to go to work and also run his house and do the chores himself. So now he is married he is now doing only 50% of the household stuff than if he wasn't so really whats to complain about.

I don't think that someone going to work is any more stressful to be honest - work should be left at the door when you leave and I would only address the balance of household work if the commute was very long e.g. an hr each way or if he worked very long hours.

I don't understand why some men revert to being lazy when they get married as though now they are married it is ok to drop the household responsibilities and have to be reminded yet when they have lived alone they wouldn't complain about doing it they would get on and do it. We are not children anymore and we know what is needed to do to live a certain way there is no excuse imo. I have always said what is the point in getting married if all you do is have to pick up and clean up after another person who doesn't lift a finger - that isn't a relationship that is being someone's maid and I would far rather be single than be in a marriage where I feel like a maid.

Original poster
Sleepyhoglet · 10/07/2015 22:11

Arunofthings - that's how I want it to be! I'm happy to do more if I feel that dh will also contribute without being asked all the time then pulling a strop. Sounds like you got it just right

OP posts:
Original poster
Sleepyhoglet · 10/07/2015 22:13

Lilmisssunchine - unfortunately I don't think he ever hoovered or cleaned the bathroom when he was single. He certainly only washed up once a week. He apparently has low standards and is prepared to help me meet slightly less low standards!

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 10/07/2015 22:13

Maternity leave is for you to look after your child. As you both live in the house as adults, the housework needs to be shared. Simple as.

waitaminutenow · 10/07/2015 22:14

Nor do I live in a single story flat (3 bed, 3 receptions,kitchen, utility and bathroom house)...if you do it daily it will take minutes 15/20max!!..leaving it to do once a week will ensure it takes longer yes...

Cloudhowe63 · 10/07/2015 22:15

IME it often isn't really about the housework, it's about equality in different roles and the resentment that crushes your relationship. It's hard to feel tied to a baby 24/7.
Does he pull his weight in giving you a break?
Do you feel you work as a team?
Many jobs are far less intense than being attached to a small child. Back in the day, I was glad to get back to work after mat leave. So much more restful...... Flowers

Original poster
Sleepyhoglet · 10/07/2015 22:15

I still think it takesongwr when you pull out the furniture and have to change the Hoover tool thing etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Sleepyhoglet · 10/07/2015 22:17

He just doesn't care. When I suggested the target of hoovering whole house and cleaning bathrooms once a week at the wkend together he said that was too much - this is shared - and suggested it as an every other week job.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sleepyhoglet · 10/07/2015 22:18

How can we be a team if we have different expectations and goals?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sleepyhoglet · 10/07/2015 22:19

I'm emailing him the thread

OP posts:
Sallystyle · 10/07/2015 22:20

I have a three floored 5 bedroom house. Five children, dogs and cats and it doesn't take me that long to hoover Shock

Like a PP said, if you do it more regularly it will take a lot less time in the long run. That is how I manage it, a bit every day.

You sound very down so I also think you should go and chat to your GP Thanks

Original poster
Sleepyhoglet · 10/07/2015 22:21

GPs are useless. I really wouldn't bother.

OP posts:
waitaminutenow · 10/07/2015 22:22

Pulling out all furniture once a week is crazy...just hoover the room and pull out any easily moved furniture yes...you're making a job much harder by pulling out everything and changing tools. What kind of hoovet do you have?? If you don't have one I suggest a dyson...so light and easy...gets in and under every where.

Like I say its all about planning and time management. I'm a little ocd though so I keep to sschedule most days.

Original poster
Sleepyhoglet · 10/07/2015 22:22

I just don't get why I have to do it all and he doesn't have to do any of the big jobs.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sleepyhoglet · 10/07/2015 22:23

I'm not even asking him to do jobs in the week just a bit regularly at the weekend

OP posts:
derxa · 10/07/2015 22:24

This is not about housework, is it? You sound really depressed. You don't like 'the baby' or your DH. What was your relationship with him like before you had your daughter?

Original poster
Sleepyhoglet · 10/07/2015 22:25

Have a dyson - carpet head for most of the room and then precisiony tool for the edges.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sleepyhoglet · 10/07/2015 22:27

He tends to ignore me. Sex life non existent. Before baby problems not so noticeable because you can disconnect more easily without the responsibility of the baby. He just thinks I'm lazy and spoilt. I probably am. I need praise. I don't get enough.

OP posts:
BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 10/07/2015 22:28

Jesus, I am a certified lazy bitch, and even I don't consider an hour of hoovering a week excessive.

Is anyone really going to stand up and say that someone working 4.5 days a week, and doing no other housework, is too busy/tired to spend an hour hoovering? Surely not even the most devoted SAHM-basher...?

Cloudhowe63 · 10/07/2015 22:29

I don't think Sleepy needs advice about organising the housework. She needs help in getting her DH to understand and pull his weight.

waitaminutenow · 10/07/2015 22:30

Is he on your case to do jobs?? Or are you putting pressure on yourself? Just make a list/rota that suits you and baby. Ask him to do things like put rubbish out or bath baby while you tidy the kitchen.

Also where does baby sleep and how often? I catch up.on a lot when my dd is napping. But like a pp said if I'm particularly tired one day I'm not bothered as I did the cleaning the day before also. I think you are maybe just overwhelmed.

Original poster
Sleepyhoglet · 10/07/2015 22:32

Thank you cloud

OP posts:
LilMissSunshine9 · 10/07/2015 22:32

I disagree strongly with alot of posters here saying how hard can it be and it doesn't take long to do x y z. That isn't the point! If OP was a single mum she would have to do it all. But what is the point of having a husband if he is effectively another child who creates mess and doesn't do anything to help - OP would have less to do without his additional mess. So what if he goes to work at some point in his life when he was single he would of had to go to work and run a house on his own. Just because now he is married that doesn't mean he can now just go to work and to hell with doing anything to help maintain the home. If OP didn't have a child and was complaining than sure go to town and tell her she shouldn't complain.

If the husband really hates chores than he should come home take the baby of OP's hand for the entire evening including putting child to sleep so she has time to then get on with those things.

Its almost like people think you sit about all day watching Jeremy Kyle and being bone idle. A husband shouldn't be excused from pulling his weight in maintaining the home just because one person is on maternity leave.

If my husband behaved like that I would one day wake up leave a note and feck off for a weekend spa break, come back and then rattle off as to why he hasn't done any chores around the house and see how he likes it.

Original poster
Sleepyhoglet · 10/07/2015 22:33

Boulevard thanks. He does do other stuff- eg the ad hoc washing up, table mopping etc that we both muddle along doing. He seems to forget that I do this during the day as well as try to help in the evening too

OP posts:
Candlefairy101 · 10/07/2015 22:34

I sense a lot of resentment coming from your household, you have got into a rut where it becomes a point scoring match, I.e 'why should I do that if he doesn't' within a family home you have to become a team, it doesn't matter who does what as long as things get done, I bet if you just got on and did all the things you nah him to do it would give him the incentive tondo some of your chores, not straight away but because I do all the cleaning and one day I'm too tired my husband will just eat on and do it for me , because it's not a game it's just chores that need to be done to keep your family home the way you both want it.

I was where you were not too long ago, I had so much built up resentment (not over chores but from something else) that I refused to do anything for him as I felt he didn't deserve it, well my MIL said do something that makes him happy or surprise him and I bet he'll do a little thing back, well it worked! Now it doesn't matter who does what because there's no resentments (easier said then done I know!)

Does your husband help with childcare in the evenings?

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