Why does this always end up as an argument? Please help

[Sleepyhoglet]

Yes, it's that age old problem- housework. We've just had another argument about it and DH has said that most people would think I don't do enough. Am I impressed?! Pretty peeved off.

I'm on maternity leave while he works 4.5 days a week. Due to the problems I suggested a few months back that we set ourself a manageable target of bathrooms being cleaned once a week (by me- floors, loos etc) and that the house is hoovered once a week (by him) and that hear jobs can be done anytime.

He says that given I'm on mat leave he shouldn't be expected to do 50% of the housework.

Given that I've stepped up since having the baby (do more washing and cooking) I think this is a bit rich. I make all the baby's food and meal plan and make most of our food.

He's too lazy to iron any of his clothes despite having to wear a shirt to work (has non iron ones) and this argument kicked off because I asked him to move his shirts from the ironing basket.

Am in in the wrong to think he's being a twat?

But she's a crawling baby! If I leave her outside the bathroom she will try to crawl down the stairs. If I keep her in the bathroom she will try to lick the floor or put something down the loo etc or get scared being so close to the Hoover.

Gizzy- do you nt think he should do anything then?

I don't know ketchup. I've had enough and thought reducing the burdan to him just having to Hoover once a week without me nagging would be ok. But it isn't. I think I'm more upset about the fact he gets angry if I raise housework because he doesn't want to do it. Well no one does but we should be grown up. If I do more I get resentful and he gets used to doing less. He's already got used to me taking imitative of the cooking and meal planning. I'm tempted to go on strike tomorrow!

Any solutions?

If you can afford it get a cleaner. Saves endless arguing. But he should be doing some housework even if you are on maternity leave but certainly not 50%. But if you're tired then he should do more.

I think it depends massively what your child is like. If they're relatively happy to play /be left on their own for a bit then sure do some housework occasionally during the daytime. If they're a clingy little still-bf-once-an-hour at 8 months (yes I'm projecting) bugger then do no housework at all as you're already working super hard.

My DP respected the fact that I was very busy all day long looking after DD and that my full time job was nourishing, protecting, and playing with her. And I tried to do some cooking prep for us adults and keep on top of the dishwasher and some washing fitted around the childcare.

I worked fairly non stop on these from 6.30 am until about 8pm when she was this age, so I deserved a break when he got home and DD was asleep. He took over dinner and did all kitchen tidying, bins, evening dishwasher stuff, etc. But he is an exceptionally wonderful man and although this was a pretty fair division of labour and should be the norm I fear it is instead unusual. We had a cleaner for weekly deep clean and hoover.

Friends with easier babies had long naps off where they could relax/potter around doing housework so maybe their DPs were more entitled to time off after a day at work- though 45 mins commute with a book on the train is hardly a chore! (London obv)

As normally comes out in these conversations it is all about how much free time each person has each day. If the man works really hard and has a long commute but the woman starts work before the man leaves the house and is expected to run around after him and keep cleaning whole he watches a film every evening then this is clearly wrong.

Of course you should go on strike. How dare he complain that others do so much more when he doesn't do any of it and has no idea of your workload. His job is not solely to bring in money, that job is 9-5. Yours is 24/7 if you divide labour that way and you don't get paid for it. Asking him to hoover once a week is absolutely nothing. He is the kind of man who has no respect for homemakers and the proof of it is that he thinks the job is easy and yet beneath him.

Vivienne- but 50% is simply hoovering the house once a week. Except it doesn't get done and it's more like every 3 weeks!

Well I certainly don't want to have any more children or go on mat leave again. Working is much easier.

Wow, OP, I could have written your post! I do a lot of housework throughout the day but there are some things you just can't do with a baby around. Hoovering is one of those things. I asked DP to do it once while I was out and it was like I'd asked him for the earth! Just leave it and see how long it takes him to crack. It won't be long!

Perfectly posed- the thing is I don't think it should even be about how much housework I or he does compared to other people eg yourself. I do a lot more now than before I had the baby and I hoped that he would understand he has to do more. There is no appreciation if the improvements I have made (yes I was crap before and now I'm a little less crap)

I didn't even want the baby!

Basically I just want him to show some initiative. Say "how was your day?" "Oh I like how you've changed the furniture" or "can I help with the baby?" Rather than me having to instigate.

This is probably about more than just hw isn't it...

Well, I left the hoovering for so long that eventually we just got laminate floors instead. Am now leaving the sweeping.

I don't think it's wrong for you to do the housework on maternity leave. But do it to your own standards, or lack of. I'd agree about doing the hoovering with a baby - I found it pretty much impossible as ds was scared of the hoover for months. So when he gets in, hand him the baby and head off to do the hoovering. You can do a lot of it sitting down while reading a novel.

I think if he works 4.5 days a week he can be expected to do some housework, but not share 50/50.

I clean most of the bathroom (loo, sink, floor) when DC3 is in the bath.

Perhaps you could make a list of all the housework you do. I don't for a second believe you only clean the bathroom. What about cooking, meal planning, cleaning the kitchen, changing bedsheets, cleaning windows, laundry, paperwork... Then he will realise that hoovering is not "50% of housework".

Or ask him to look after the baby while you are hoovering.

Its very hard and i try hard not to moan, but I do all of the housework really. Regarding your crawling baby, Ive got a travel cot downstairs so I can get on with things and know my 9 month old is safe. She screams as she is very clingy, but sometimes I do need to get on with things like, shower or go toilet!!

Some of the time I think I'd prefer it is I was on my own as then I could take full responsibility but wouldn't feel resentful as it would be my job. Don't really want to be a single mum really though. He's just such a twat sometimes. This is a fucking fully grown man who has to be asked to take a shower daily.

I don't like arguing with him but he really grates on my nerves

'has to be asked to take a shower daily'

Have to say that I don't do this, more like every other day. How oftes does he do it without prompting?

I guess it's irrelevant what others think in a way. If I'm not happy, then I'm not happy. I feel like walking a way and leaving them both. It's just too much.

Annandale if not promoted he would only shower maybe once a week

I agree with travel cot. DD was clingy so we got a playpen. She didn't like it much but only went in it for 10-20 minutes a couple of times a day. I know some people don't approve but it's better than getting to the tearing hair out stage.

My husband doesn't do much at home, just the odd bit of hoovering.

I do everything because I only work 3 hours a day and he works full time. I also have a cleaner.

I don't think he is being a twat but maybe I am just a bit old fashioned.

To be honest I am more worried about your comment that you "didn't even want the baby"

Tend to aim for not doing the housework in the week but leave it to do our small portion at the weekend when we both share trhe babycare so I think the working is irrelevant

Sootica how old are your children? I wasn't keen, not necessarily ready. He wanted the baby but doesn't seem happy about the lifestyle changes.