Who gets the snip?

[feministwithtitsin]

Hi ladies (and gents)

Me and my DH have just had our 2 DC. We are both still relatively young (I am 30, DH is 29). We have both decided that 2 children is enough for us, our family is complete. I want to retrain and focus on my career in a year or so, and, although my DH probably would like more children, we have decided that 2 is enough as we would be better financially, and I would keep my sanity!

I have had 2 caesareans, the first was a nightmare as I had an infection and the recovery time was a nightmare (5 days in hospital, alot of pain etc) the second was textbook.

As we are both young, neither of us would be looking to get the snip for at least another 5 years, just to be 100% sure, as by that time out fertility would have dropped and I think it would be too disruptive to my career, and life in general, to be having a newborn after that.

So for the next 5 years, I will be on some kind of hormone contraceptive, as condoms are too much of a pain.

The question is who should get the snip? I think my DH should as I have had 2 caseareans already and the op itself is easier, he thinks I should because the risks of vascetomies scare him (long term ball pain etc)

So, mumsnet jury! What is your verdict

Responsibility and reproduction, rather!

I'm not sure it works like that scorpio. In the event of an emergency section they are wanting to free the theatre up for the people who have been bumped / other emergencies IYSWIM. They are also going into your womb through a cut across your abdomen to pull the baby out, I don't think they open the whole reproductive area up IYSWIM. & maybe there are procedures / questions / history they need to take before they perform the procedure? Additional / different consent forms maybe.

I suppose there's no harm in asking! But my guess is you should be braced for a "sorry not possible" on that one. I don't know, at all, my my instinct tells me it's unlikely as it's a lot more work they haven't got planned in IYSWIM.

Only if the woman got sterilised because the man didn't want to, Different.

Because, I'm sorry, but I don't agree that the part a woman has previously paid - years of menstruation and contraception, months of pregnancy (often multiple times), childbirth (multiple times), and post childbirth complications has nothing to do with the decision. I think it is quite fundamental to the decision.

"How can surgery which has nothing to do with creating a family be a factor, but having a bad time due to surgery that did create a family not have any impact at all?"

The latter does have an impact, and it concerns childbirth. Sterilisation (of either sex) is totally separate.

Altruistic surgery is not something that ever should be considered an expectation, no matter how much it may hoped for.

The man who says 'I don't want to do it' is exercising choice over his own body. The man (cited above) who says "and the man says "you do it I don't want to take those risks" is an unmitigated shit. But even the existence of shits does not mean the individual loses the right to choose what they do with their own body.

Could we perhaps change the emphasis from "expecting" the DH to get the snip to "hoping" he'd be prepared to do so given the greater physical impact so far of family planning on the OP?

Nobody is frog-marching an unwilling man into the clinic. I certainly would be making a judgment about him, though.

And that is because by saying, 'I don't want to do it', he absolutely is leaving it for the woman to step up. He is making it her problem, her issue. Yet again.

Since the OP used "should" about both their positions I think they are both equally robust in their positions.

"The question is who should get the snip? I think my DH should as I have had 2 caseareans already and the op itself is easier, he thinks I should because the risks of vascetomies scare him (long term ball pain etc)"

As a reminder of the OP...

Im not expecting my DH to have vascetomy. Everything to do with vascetomy/sterilisation is still very much up for debate. I may, he may, we both may not. We may even.have another child, things change, nothing has been taken off the table so to speak.

chantico, its not alturistic surgery. Thats my point. Contraception is both our concern and having another child would affect both of us, emotionally, financially etc. A vascetomy is not a favour for me.

Thanks yonic thats what im trying to get at.

This thread has been a real eye opener in terms of how society still sees contraception and anything related to reproductive pain/discomfort to be the automatic realm / responsibility of the women (& girls).

I wonder how much of this is a judeo-christian thing, in our culture. And how much is just a "it's women's jobs to deal with all this shit" general thing. How to unpick the two, I wouldn't know where to start!

I agree whirlpool

Its taken a bit of an unexpected twist!

Vascetomy as alturistic? Hes not giving me a fucking kidney!

And you can't drive home and have sex the next day

Actually, we did have sex the next day with no discomfort to him whatsoever.

So i'm not sure what you are talking about. Not all men will feel up to it but some certainly are. He wasn't allowed to drive home but he felt up to it.

Dh went for the snip because he really didn't want anymore children and I was more open to the idea that I may want one in the future should anything change, even though I know it would have been a stupid decision to make. I do not get on with hormonal contraception and fell pregnant on the copper coil and also fell pregnant with ds3 on the pill.

I totally understand someone not wanting to get sterilised incase a partner dies or they separate and I don't find that offensive at all. Dh was sure he would never want another child under any circumstances so he had it done. I was not ready to totally give up my fertility.

Altruistic surgery is not something that ever should be considered an expectation, no matter how much it may hoped for.

Pahhaha

That made me laugh Although I do agree there should be no expectations.

Yes, getting the snip is totally unselfish thing to do. Look at that little man having his tube snipped so his poor wife doesn't get pregnant. My heart bleeds for him.

YY in our family it would be me as

He would have liked more children but I can't (won't) have any more
He is 5 years younger than me

So if anything happened to me I would really hope that he would meet someone else lovely, and have some more kids, if that was what he wanted. I OTOH am in my early 40s now and definitely don't want any more.

I'm also not sure why that would be an offensive view to have either!

Anyway we are using condoms and actually very happy with that! So no snip conversations here for anyone at the mo.

I think really the crux of it really is that no-one should force, coerce, blackmail or expect another person to do anything with their body. Expecting a man to consider a vasectomy where it is objectively the best thing for the family is not those things. Neither is expecting a man to consider the effect his lack of contraceptive use may have on his partner (at any time) or the effects of pregnancy and childbirth on their partner. That's just part of being a responsible person and partner IMO.

Well said, Offred.

Yes, very well said.

I wonder if this thread is perhaps a bit of an eye-opener the other way as well, either for some women posting or even lurking.

That actually, contraception, fertility and family planning isn't entirely the responsibility of the woman. Both parties are responsible, and there is a need for both to step up to the plate. And stepping up to the plate isn't always fun, and yes, it involves risks.

The sort of relationship I have always expected for myself, and that I certainly expect for my DD involves a man who willingly recognises that. It's definitely not with the sort of man who would just shrug his shoulders and expect me to take on way more than my share in the fertility department, while he sits back ... yet again.

Well put Offred

Ahh yes whirlpool I'd not thought of it like that, of course an emergency section is completely different to an elective. Seemed like a good idea in my head

I am 38

DH is 37

We have two DCs

I had PND after DS was born

We were both adamant no more

DH had a vasectomy last year

We never even discussed my being sterilised - he offered to have a vasectomy as it was blindingly obvious that, as he put it, "I'd done more than my fair share with 2 pregnancies, 2 labours & 2 lots of breastfeeding".

About 11 of my friends want DH to take their husbands down the pub and convince them to do it too.

"I'm being induced on Monday and if I have to for any reason (am high risk pregnancy) have a section then I will ask if they can do me instead whilst I'm open. If that makes sense and is do able."

I've had friends ask this and the doc said no... in case of cot death :(

Your DH sounds lovely, Skater - and I'm convinced, not that unusual; you just don't hear about all the lovely ones, because there's no reason to complain about them!

Whoa. Now I've Rtft.

No to a vasectomy because of risk of pain? Because last time I checked childbirth was pretty painful (and I opted for more drugs than Russell Brand at Glastonbury).

Why should the pain by default fall to me? (I mean the pain of an unplanned pregnancy resulting in labour or abortion, not the inevitable pain of childbirth which I signed up for when TTC the little monsters darlings).

I didn't make DH have the snip, but I love him and respect him even more for doing it.

Its being in a team together as a PP mentioned.

skater excuse my prego brain but what does it have to do with cot death? I dont get?!