I have been on here for 10 years but have name changed for this. I have never posted on relationships before but have been reading it for years.
DH and I have been together for 16 years, married for 12 and have x2 DCs aged 10 and 5.
The last 10 years have been rough. Horrific sleep deprivation for me. A nasty injury whilst heavily pregnant, underlying health problems with DC1 and severe mental illness for me which has basically swallowed up 2 years of my life.
Over the years, DH has stepped up doing things on a practical level, but he has never been any use at supporting me emotionally. It is no surprise that our sex life was non existant for many years.
I was exhausted, stressed, turned off by his complaining if I said no, feeling like a burst blow up doll when he sulked and huffed out of the room if there was nothing on the cards. All about him and his "needs". Comments about how men should be allowed a harem (basically saying you are no use to me, I wish I could fuck someone else). No thought to my needs for emotional closeness or cuddles with no pressure to have sex. None. No thoughts like Jeez, my wife is absolutely exhausted and falls asleep in the car any time we drive further than a couple of miles, what can I do to help her.
After I became mentally ill, the pressure to have sex stopped, thank god. I assumed he was masturbating, which I have no issue with and I guessed he was probably using porn, which I do have an issue with, and he knows it, but I was in no position to address the issue. Sometimes, getting through the day was a struggle enough.
Anyway, DC1 now has access to the laptop, so we put parental controls on the broadband a while back and it blocks dodgy stuff on any devices using the wifi. It is my email address which is the log in for the providers website and I started getting emails telling me that my parental web controls had been changed. Always when I was out, always in pairs around half an hour to an hour apart, presumably the controls being switched off then back on again. No prizes for guessing why they were being changed.
This went on for a while and I changed the password with the broadband provider and also my email password so that he couldn't change the controls. I thought it might prompt a conversation if he asked me what the password was. We are normally open with all our passwords etc and it was out of character for me to change them without telling him, but nothing from him asking why.
So, last night, I left the house to go to my usual thing I do on a Tuesday. The kids were both away on sleepovers. I got as far as the car then realised I had forgotten to bring a letter that I was going to post and went back to the house a few seconds later for it, only to find the door locked which was a total giveaway. I had left my email open on the laptop by mistake and it later turned out that he was straight in there resetting the password with the broadband provider so he could change the parental controls. And of course when I arrived where I was going, I saw there was an email on my phone confirming that the settings had been changed.
I am finally well and I have now got the mental strength and physical energy to deal with this, so when I got in (late) I went through his wallet, his email account, his facebook, his other email account. I picked up his phone and had a look through that. Nothing to be found other than some dodgy looking spam email which had been deleted, unread. I get spam for viagra and hot chicks looking for sex and all that, so I know that it happens innocently. I am the named account holder for both our mobiles and I have full access to the details of his calls and texts. Again, nothing.
My issue is that I have no idea what he has been doing while the parental controls are switched off. It could be "just" some porn, or it could be sex chats or web camming or hook up sites or anything. I've been on here long enough to know what some blokes are capable of. Secret email addresses, secret credit cards, affairs, prostitues etc etc. Like I say, I am not naive about what can be going on right under the wife's nose.
Anyway, he woke up when I picked up his phone so I had it out with him. He lied at first saying he was on a facebook group from when he was in the military (he was, and is on 3 such groups) and sometimes there were dodgy videos on there that he needed to switch the controls off to see. I had already looked through the groups on his facebook account and there is some nudity and stuff, but I saw nothing posted in the last 2 years that would be blocked.
But, it was a red rag to a bull for me. He lied. I know that they lie then minimise. It is the script.
I gave him the opportunity to tell all and said in no uncertain terms that he had better explain everything because if I find anything else that you have failed to mention then it is over.
He said he had "only" been looking at some normal porn and definitely nothing dodgy or illegal. I asked what constituted "normal porn" and he said lesbian sex, only free stuff, he'd never paid for anything online etc etc.
All our bank accounts are held jointly, we go through them regularly together and there have never been any suspicious transactions or withdrawals of cash that can't be explained, or even a tenner here and there that could be stashed. His salary is paid straight in every month and I see his payslips and P60 when I do the tax figures and deal with all the admin. I am at home during the day and there has never been any mail or anything else that has ever made me suspicious. There are two women at his work, the rest are men. One is gay and the other is a lot older than him, so I really don't think there's anything going on there. I've met all his colleagues.
He struggles with neck and shoulder pain and has been a couple of time for a Thai massage which he agreed doesn't look good. But, I have seen the payments leaving the bank account and there is nothing I can find anywhere on Google to suggest that this place is anything other than legitimate. Unless I am looking in the wrong places!
He says he only looks on his phone, never on any of the other devices that the kids can use, and of course with private browsing, there is no history to be found anyway.
He probably is telling the truth, but I have no way of knowing 100% what he's up to. The fact that he didn't even twig that I was getting emails every time he changed the controls kind of tells me that he would probably be shit at hiding things if there was anything going on. But again, I have the niggle from what I have read on here over the years and I know I would be foolish and naive to trust him 100%
Did I overreact and what do we do now?