Did I overreact?

[ToTrustOrNot]

I have been on here for 10 years but have name changed for this. I have never posted on relationships before but have been reading it for years.

DH and I have been together for 16 years, married for 12 and have x2 DCs aged 10 and 5.

The last 10 years have been rough. Horrific sleep deprivation for me. A nasty injury whilst heavily pregnant, underlying health problems with DC1 and severe mental illness for me which has basically swallowed up 2 years of my life.

Over the years, DH has stepped up doing things on a practical level, but he has never been any use at supporting me emotionally. It is no surprise that our sex life was non existant for many years.

I was exhausted, stressed, turned off by his complaining if I said no, feeling like a burst blow up doll when he sulked and huffed out of the room if there was nothing on the cards. All about him and his "needs". Comments about how men should be allowed a harem (basically saying you are no use to me, I wish I could fuck someone else). No thought to my needs for emotional closeness or cuddles with no pressure to have sex. None. No thoughts like Jeez, my wife is absolutely exhausted and falls asleep in the car any time we drive further than a couple of miles, what can I do to help her.

After I became mentally ill, the pressure to have sex stopped, thank god. I assumed he was masturbating, which I have no issue with and I guessed he was probably using porn, which I do have an issue with, and he knows it, but I was in no position to address the issue. Sometimes, getting through the day was a struggle enough.

Anyway, DC1 now has access to the laptop, so we put parental controls on the broadband a while back and it blocks dodgy stuff on any devices using the wifi. It is my email address which is the log in for the providers website and I started getting emails telling me that my parental web controls had been changed. Always when I was out, always in pairs around half an hour to an hour apart, presumably the controls being switched off then back on again. No prizes for guessing why they were being changed.

This went on for a while and I changed the password with the broadband provider and also my email password so that he couldn't change the controls. I thought it might prompt a conversation if he asked me what the password was. We are normally open with all our passwords etc and it was out of character for me to change them without telling him, but nothing from him asking why.

So, last night, I left the house to go to my usual thing I do on a Tuesday. The kids were both away on sleepovers. I got as far as the car then realised I had forgotten to bring a letter that I was going to post and went back to the house a few seconds later for it, only to find the door locked which was a total giveaway. I had left my email open on the laptop by mistake and it later turned out that he was straight in there resetting the password with the broadband provider so he could change the parental controls. And of course when I arrived where I was going, I saw there was an email on my phone confirming that the settings had been changed.

I am finally well and I have now got the mental strength and physical energy to deal with this, so when I got in (late) I went through his wallet, his email account, his facebook, his other email account. I picked up his phone and had a look through that. Nothing to be found other than some dodgy looking spam email which had been deleted, unread. I get spam for viagra and hot chicks looking for sex and all that, so I know that it happens innocently. I am the named account holder for both our mobiles and I have full access to the details of his calls and texts. Again, nothing.

My issue is that I have no idea what he has been doing while the parental controls are switched off. It could be "just" some porn, or it could be sex chats or web camming or hook up sites or anything. I've been on here long enough to know what some blokes are capable of. Secret email addresses, secret credit cards, affairs, prostitues etc etc. Like I say, I am not naive about what can be going on right under the wife's nose.

Anyway, he woke up when I picked up his phone so I had it out with him. He lied at first saying he was on a facebook group from when he was in the military (he was, and is on 3 such groups) and sometimes there were dodgy videos on there that he needed to switch the controls off to see. I had already looked through the groups on his facebook account and there is some nudity and stuff, but I saw nothing posted in the last 2 years that would be blocked.

But, it was a red rag to a bull for me. He lied. I know that they lie then minimise. It is the script.

I gave him the opportunity to tell all and said in no uncertain terms that he had better explain everything because if I find anything else that you have failed to mention then it is over.

He said he had "only" been looking at some normal porn and definitely nothing dodgy or illegal. I asked what constituted "normal porn" and he said lesbian sex, only free stuff, he'd never paid for anything online etc etc.

All our bank accounts are held jointly, we go through them regularly together and there have never been any suspicious transactions or withdrawals of cash that can't be explained, or even a tenner here and there that could be stashed. His salary is paid straight in every month and I see his payslips and P60 when I do the tax figures and deal with all the admin. I am at home during the day and there has never been any mail or anything else that has ever made me suspicious. There are two women at his work, the rest are men. One is gay and the other is a lot older than him, so I really don't think there's anything going on there. I've met all his colleagues.

He struggles with neck and shoulder pain and has been a couple of time for a Thai massage which he agreed doesn't look good. But, I have seen the payments leaving the bank account and there is nothing I can find anywhere on Google to suggest that this place is anything other than legitimate. Unless I am looking in the wrong places!

He says he only looks on his phone, never on any of the other devices that the kids can use, and of course with private browsing, there is no history to be found anyway.

He probably is telling the truth, but I have no way of knowing 100% what he's up to. The fact that he didn't even twig that I was getting emails every time he changed the controls kind of tells me that he would probably be shit at hiding things if there was anything going on. But again, I have the niggle from what I have read on here over the years and I know I would be foolish and naive to trust him 100%

Did I overreact and what do we do now?

Why are you responding so aggressively?

How you split is pretty personal.

But very first step if I were you, would be to say nothing and go to see a solicitor - find out what you should be thinking about, what would be a fair (or legally likely, whether that's the same thing...) division of assets.

Personally I worked out exactly what I wanted - from finances to child arrangements - before I proposed a divorce.

I would also, personally, walk away from a fight. My XH was utterly in the wrong (cheating) but I took the view that I was going, I wouldn't gain anything by losing my shit at him, he didn't care.

So personally I wouldn't fight over his porn use, or exactly what it was. You're both clearly unhappy, I would get the practicalities sorted in my head, then tell him it's over.

What do you want OP? Do you want to fix your relationship or do you want out of it?

Well I for one totally disagree and find it appalling that he shoved his child - the OP already asked us all up thread if we wanted examples of his shit behaviour, I, for one, have had enough to say, it's time to call it a day OP, either that or you carry on in an unhappy dysfunctional relationship that your son is suffering through too.

I think (and have thought this from page 1) that the AIBU is not the real issue. Now we find out that he has been violent to your child. There would be nothing left here for me. Go and see a solicitor.

Many if you are calling me controlling and I accept that changing the password probably was but I did it with the intention of getting things out in the open

That makes no sense. How is going behind his back and purposely changing passwords a good way of getting things out in the open?

If that's how you or your marriage deals with problems I'm not surprised there's a load of resentment and neither of you are happy.

I've gone back and re-read this whole thread. You haven't said you've been having sex. Since your first post, it seems that whenever a poster disagrees with you or has an opinion you don't like, you fire away with another negative thing your H has done. It's like you want us to say your H is a horrible person and you're right and not over reacting. That's why so many posters have mentioned the resentment in your marriage. It's so clear.

You said you now feel well enough to "deal" with this but going by your replies and the anger/resentment you have, I don't think you are.

I gave him the opportunity to tell all and said in no uncertain terms that he had better explain everything because if I find anything else that you have failed to mention then it is over.

You're acting like he's been having a sordid affair. All he's been doing is looking at porn. He only denied it because he knows you dislike it. You have the right to dislike porn but he has the right to watch it. And you're taking away his right by going behind his back, checking his things, changing passwords etc. That to me is far worse than your H denying watching porn when you asked him.

I saw red when he lied to me though. Nobody likes being lied to

You're right and I agree nobody likes being lied to. But nobody likes to be controlled and treated like a child.

but I have no way of knowing 100% what he's up to.

You don't have the right to know 100% what's he's up to. That's not healthy.

*When I say I was mentally ill, I am not talking "a bit of depression" (not to minimise depression), but serious illness which was bad enough for me to be sectioned, although thankfully, I wasn't.
I really do feel that his lack of emotional support contributed to my illness somewhat. Or possibly a lot more than somewhat. *

If your mental illness was severe enough for you to almost be sectioned, that tells me your H is not able to help you. He can't make you better. He isn't responsible. And to say the way he tried helping wasn't enough and so it contributed to your illness is so unfair. To be honest, I don't think you got all the professional help you needed. If you were almost sectioned I don't think your H would've been able to help you. He wouldn't have the capability.

In no way am I downplaying what happened with your child, but if it was that bad, why wouldn't you mention this when you first posted? Reading it all back its like you thought "okay not many people agree with me so I'll tell them about the time he shoved DS". Surely if it was that bad you would've mentioned it originally?

But I'm sorry, I don't want to offend you, if I was with somebody who for over 10 years was still suffering with the illnesses I would find it hard to stay.
I don't think you've ever had the proper help you need which is a big shame. And I feel as if the easiest thing for you to do is blame your H and hold resentment for things that happened 10 years ago.

This isn't a happy marriage, I can imagine you feel angry towards him all the time and so he walks around on egg shells. The atmosphere in your house must be horrible and your children will (if they haven't already) pick up on it.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do, but personally I would've left this marriage a long time ago. And I'm saying that as if I was your H.

My post yesterday of 17.48 says we had been having sex again.

Seems like I have committed the MN crime of drip feeding. I didn't want to put the entire history on the OP, it would have been mammoth.

I wanted to know if I had overreacted. Seems that yes, I did. I accept that.

I rather suspect that I would have had entirely different answers had I posted the mammoth history. But I wanted more views than LTB, I have been on here long enough to know that so many threads end that way almost as a knee jerk reaction.

In an ideal world, I would like to save the marriage, but it looks unlikely.

And yes, I got the professional support I needed with my illness. The consultant psychiatrist is happy that I am well and I am functioning fully and I am on next to no meds.

And I maintain that I have a right to know what he is up to online if any of it constituted cheating. That is what I was looking for when I went through his emails etc. But I found no evidence which at least us one less thing to worry about.

Wow, it really comes across that you don't actually LIKE your own husband.

I don't really think its going anywhere is it. Probs best to split then the poor guy can find someone else who will stay will him because she loves him, not because she is too ill to leave.

You say you want to save the marriage, but WHY? What do you actually like about being with him cause it doesn't come across brilliantly from this side of the computer screen.

Put the poor bastard out of his misery and offer him a divorce. Tell him he can see the kids as much as he'd like and you'd like it to all be as amicable as possible

It all sounds really miserable and your kids will be picking up on it.

You obviously can't fucking stand the bloke, your seething resentment comes across loud and clear, let him go so you can both find some happiness.

There is zero trust though regardless of you not finding anything, no trust = no relationship.

I'm going to have to try hard not to be harsh here. I think he's tried very hard to support you as best he can, he might not be very good at it but he's not a mental health professional. I don't think anyone could have lived up to your expectations and your behaviour is similar to countless threads where the genders are reversed and In all those cases you would have been accused of being controlling and abusive. He understood your illness "has stepped up" in your words and didn't pressure you for sex, as far as i can see gets no credit for anything. Even wanting to spend time as a family is framed as a negative. Remember we are getting this from your perspectives not even his accounts.

You don't like the fact that he might actually be in the right so drip feed facts, the push seems way over-egged to me considering how much you had to think of something that would get people to agree with you. I don't think he can make you happy, but then I don't think anyone can. Maybe you should take time away from him and the kids for a while so you can concentrate on getting healthy.

He sounds bloody useless. I'm not surprised you resent him.

Also - pushing a child over is disgraceful. I really don't understand the 'poor guy' attitude towards him.

I was exhausted, stressed, turned off by his complaining if I said no, feeling like a burst blow up doll when he sulked and huffed out of the room if there was nothing on the cards. All about him and his "needs". Comments about how men should be allowed a harem (basically saying you are no use to me, I wish I could fuck someone else). No thought to my needs for emotional closeness or cuddles with no pressure to have sex. None. No thoughts like Jeez, my wife is absolutely exhausted and falls asleep in the car any time we drive further than a couple of miles, what can I do to help her.

Spell, have you actually read the OP?

Still can't get over folk sticking up for him, he sounds absolutely vile.

Jan - with respect, I think there is a lot going on here. They have been together for 16 years and for 10 of those, the OP has been ill, both physically and mentally. That takes its toll on anyone, including I am sure the OP's husband. The OP admits that he has stepped up practically but he has "never" been any use emotionally (so that must therefore include the six years before she became ill; not surprising he might not be great during 10 years of illness if he wasn't to start with).

I agree his comments about the harem etc don't sound great but quite honestly dealing with two children and a partner suffering long-term physically and mentally (the OP said she was of sectioning ill health), anyone, male or female, is going to get worn down. May get frustrated, tired, resentful, unloved. A woman could quite understandably feel the same as her husband if the shoe was on the other foot.

I don't believe he is vile. He's probably reached the end of his tether, just as the OP has, but neither is prepared to admit it. I'm afraid long-term illness of this nature kills an awful lot of marriages and make fairly reasonable people just lose it occasionally, even if sometimes just through feeling unfairly treated by life.

Okay, perhaps not vile, I'm just incensed that he thought it ok to push/shove his child, and for what exactly?

I do actually agree with the points you've just made but perhaps he would have got some sex if he hadn't made his wife feel like a blow up doll, or that she owed him sex, neither scenarios would get me going.

A man has to still woo you even when married, make you feel desired and loved and most importantly considered, I don't think he's done any of that for years. Yeah it must have been hard of him but he wasn't actually the one going through the physical and mental pain, she was.

In my book, whether married or not, it's for better or worse.

Pushing a child and being mortified is not an abusive indicator. If it was that bad an incident it would have been in the OP not on page 5.

Also if that's the worst argument they've had in 16 years then its not nice but not unusual. Bearing in mind it doesn't look like he meant any of it. Wanting some release online and an occasional family outing seems to be his worst crimes. As for emotional support I don't think anything would have been enough. Its hard because the OP was Ill, to much blame being thrown around and not enough reconciliation. With some unhealthy control issues.

Jan - "A man has to still woo you even when married, make you feel desired and loved and most importantly considered, I don't think he's done any of that for years."

You do know that works both ways, don't you? A woman also needs to make a man feel loved and desired and considered and I am sorry, but there is absolutely nothing in anything the OP has said that suggests she has done any of that for him. She says he has not been meeting her emotional needs but I don't get the impression she has been meeting his emotional needs either (I'm deliberately putting the physical side out of the equation here).

Remember, she was the one complaining when he tried to do a nice family thing together.

sorry one more point Jan a quote from the OP

"After I became mentally ill, the pressure to have sex stopped, thank god."

That is the actions of someone who cares.

I agree you have the right to know what your H is doing if it involves cheating or doing anything that puts your relationship at risk.

But you don't have the right to go behind his back, change passwords, put controls on so he can't access anything that you might not like.

As for him shoving your son - why would you take him back??

I'm gunna be bruttuly honest with you. I don't think him looking at porn is the main issue here. I'm surprised your marriage has lasted this long because you're both clearly very unhappy. I don't think you're over your mental health problems - the fact you try to control what he looks at and how you say he's partly responsible for your mental health decline says that.
You quite clearly have a very big dislike towards your H and I believe that is because of resentment.
In my opinion it seems that no matter what your H did to try and help you it was never good enough for you.
It sounds very unhealthy and i think it's a shame both of you are living your lives this way.

I could, as the OP has offered, list all the negatives about him, but the bullying of the kids just does not sit well with me at all.

As for the relationship itself, it's not working and hasn't for some time, sometimes illness or a life changing event shows us that we are actually with the wrong partner, he didn't support the OP imo, the resentment comes from her feeling completely abandoned emotionally, if there's no emotional connection, you are not gonna want sex with your partner, esp' if he is going in huffs about it.

Yes there are faults on both sides but we only have one side and from what I have read, the OP has had enough, probably time to call it a day.