Did I overreact?

[ToTrustOrNot]

I have been on here for 10 years but have name changed for this. I have never posted on relationships before but have been reading it for years.

DH and I have been together for 16 years, married for 12 and have x2 DCs aged 10 and 5.

The last 10 years have been rough. Horrific sleep deprivation for me. A nasty injury whilst heavily pregnant, underlying health problems with DC1 and severe mental illness for me which has basically swallowed up 2 years of my life.

Over the years, DH has stepped up doing things on a practical level, but he has never been any use at supporting me emotionally. It is no surprise that our sex life was non existant for many years.

I was exhausted, stressed, turned off by his complaining if I said no, feeling like a burst blow up doll when he sulked and huffed out of the room if there was nothing on the cards. All about him and his "needs". Comments about how men should be allowed a harem (basically saying you are no use to me, I wish I could fuck someone else). No thought to my needs for emotional closeness or cuddles with no pressure to have sex. None. No thoughts like Jeez, my wife is absolutely exhausted and falls asleep in the car any time we drive further than a couple of miles, what can I do to help her.

After I became mentally ill, the pressure to have sex stopped, thank god. I assumed he was masturbating, which I have no issue with and I guessed he was probably using porn, which I do have an issue with, and he knows it, but I was in no position to address the issue. Sometimes, getting through the day was a struggle enough.

Anyway, DC1 now has access to the laptop, so we put parental controls on the broadband a while back and it blocks dodgy stuff on any devices using the wifi. It is my email address which is the log in for the providers website and I started getting emails telling me that my parental web controls had been changed. Always when I was out, always in pairs around half an hour to an hour apart, presumably the controls being switched off then back on again. No prizes for guessing why they were being changed.

This went on for a while and I changed the password with the broadband provider and also my email password so that he couldn't change the controls. I thought it might prompt a conversation if he asked me what the password was. We are normally open with all our passwords etc and it was out of character for me to change them without telling him, but nothing from him asking why.

So, last night, I left the house to go to my usual thing I do on a Tuesday. The kids were both away on sleepovers. I got as far as the car then realised I had forgotten to bring a letter that I was going to post and went back to the house a few seconds later for it, only to find the door locked which was a total giveaway. I had left my email open on the laptop by mistake and it later turned out that he was straight in there resetting the password with the broadband provider so he could change the parental controls. And of course when I arrived where I was going, I saw there was an email on my phone confirming that the settings had been changed.

I am finally well and I have now got the mental strength and physical energy to deal with this, so when I got in (late) I went through his wallet, his email account, his facebook, his other email account. I picked up his phone and had a look through that. Nothing to be found other than some dodgy looking spam email which had been deleted, unread. I get spam for viagra and hot chicks looking for sex and all that, so I know that it happens innocently. I am the named account holder for both our mobiles and I have full access to the details of his calls and texts. Again, nothing.

My issue is that I have no idea what he has been doing while the parental controls are switched off. It could be "just" some porn, or it could be sex chats or web camming or hook up sites or anything. I've been on here long enough to know what some blokes are capable of. Secret email addresses, secret credit cards, affairs, prostitues etc etc. Like I say, I am not naive about what can be going on right under the wife's nose.

Anyway, he woke up when I picked up his phone so I had it out with him. He lied at first saying he was on a facebook group from when he was in the military (he was, and is on 3 such groups) and sometimes there were dodgy videos on there that he needed to switch the controls off to see. I had already looked through the groups on his facebook account and there is some nudity and stuff, but I saw nothing posted in the last 2 years that would be blocked.

But, it was a red rag to a bull for me. He lied. I know that they lie then minimise. It is the script.

I gave him the opportunity to tell all and said in no uncertain terms that he had better explain everything because if I find anything else that you have failed to mention then it is over.

He said he had "only" been looking at some normal porn and definitely nothing dodgy or illegal. I asked what constituted "normal porn" and he said lesbian sex, only free stuff, he'd never paid for anything online etc etc.

All our bank accounts are held jointly, we go through them regularly together and there have never been any suspicious transactions or withdrawals of cash that can't be explained, or even a tenner here and there that could be stashed. His salary is paid straight in every month and I see his payslips and P60 when I do the tax figures and deal with all the admin. I am at home during the day and there has never been any mail or anything else that has ever made me suspicious. There are two women at his work, the rest are men. One is gay and the other is a lot older than him, so I really don't think there's anything going on there. I've met all his colleagues.

He struggles with neck and shoulder pain and has been a couple of time for a Thai massage which he agreed doesn't look good. But, I have seen the payments leaving the bank account and there is nothing I can find anywhere on Google to suggest that this place is anything other than legitimate. Unless I am looking in the wrong places!

He says he only looks on his phone, never on any of the other devices that the kids can use, and of course with private browsing, there is no history to be found anyway.

He probably is telling the truth, but I have no way of knowing 100% what he's up to. The fact that he didn't even twig that I was getting emails every time he changed the controls kind of tells me that he would probably be shit at hiding things if there was anything going on. But again, I have the niggle from what I have read on here over the years and I know I would be foolish and naive to trust him 100%

Did I overreact and what do we do now?

There are lots of issues going on here.

You partner is unsupportive of you while you have been ill. Do you think the illness has caused resentment on both sides?

The sex, well of course he isn't entitled to sex with you, at all. It must be difficult for him also though, to still be young and want sex and not to be able to have it within his marriage.

The porn is a separate issue. I understand your feelings about porn, and they are perfectly legitimate. But why do you think you can police your husbands decisions regarding this? It's fine if you don't want to watch it, but surely if he wants to.... Also, where has the link from watching porn to having an affair come from?

If there any chance that the lack of sex and closeness in your relationship could make you paranoid that your husband is looking elsewhere?

I think you need to address the lack of closeness and support between you both first off, before discussing the sex and porn.

Also, I have to agree with the other poster who said support in marriage should be two way. I understand you have been ill bit from your husbands point of view, he also gets no support, is shut out, treated scathingly when he did open up about feelings of jealousy, and offered no physical relationship and made to feel like a letch for wanting sex. I totally see that things have been hard for you, but they must have been hard for your husband also.

Doris, yes of course all these issues affected him too.

But this is a man who wouldn't let me have a lie in, basically refusing to get up at the weekend to deal with DC1 after I had disturbed sleep for the entire week. He had a commute to do, so I ended up in the other room with DC1 so he could sleep properly during the week. I had to more or less beg for a lie in which I don't believe any woman would find endearing or attractive. I expressed this to him at the time.

His behaviour also very much looked like "I am not at work, therefore I am entitled to relax while my wife does everything else" he would come in from work and complain about this not being done, and that not being done, and what was I doing all day. Again, not terribly endearing or attractive and I also expressed this to him at the time.

Like I say, he stepped up over the years with the practical help, but only after he had to when I was unable to physically. But I was still co-ordinating everything from the sofa.

It was only when I became mentally ill that he had to take on full responsibility for running things. It was incredibly stressful for him, yes. But this happened when DC1 was 6 years old. It took 6 years before he stepped up, and only because he had no other option.

It must have been hard for you both. I understand what you are saying, but it must also have been hard having a full time job and having to come home to a sick wife and young child to look after. That's not to say he shouldn't step up, but ten years of this must have really taken its toll of you both.

Oh, and he insisted at the weekend that we all traipse everywhere together as a family, so there was no opportunity for me to catch up on sleep then either.

His reason?

So people didn't see him out on his own with the kids and think he was a McDad.

I said I had no way of knowing what he has been doing online, whether that be porn, sex chats, web camming, hook up sites or anything else

I watch porn, my DH watches porn. It wouldn't occur to either of us that the other watching porn means there'll be web cams, sex chats or hook up sites.

Says a lot about your marriage that this is your thoughts about him. This goes way beyond your opinions of him as a casual porn watcher.

You can draw the line where you want to be it no porn or porn but nothing else.

If you can't trust him to just be in a sexless marriage and not look at porn (if that's your line) or more then it's no wonder you've reacted as you have.

So workout what's a deal breaker and tell him upfront. He can the choose whether that's enough for him or whether to reject your boundaries and move on.

I don't believe in overeactions myself, just believe we react to how we feel.

While it's frustrating and unfair , I don't know any couples who didn't have issues about lie ins and housework. It's fairly standard, but it's not a hill to die on. It really shouldn't be being rehashed all these years later. Everyone screws up . You sound incredibly resentful of him and very unhappy.

I am completely with the OP on this one, he sounds a complete useless tool who thinks he is entitled to more than her, oh poor, poor man not getting a shag, fgs, his wife was seriously ill and he was doing as little as possible, I actually think the relationship probably died some time ago, the two of you have just been struggling on.

I very much believe in sex in a relationship but certainly not on these terms.

Totrust I can hear that you have had a horrendous time, but on a board where nearly every thread ends with ltb you are stubbornly refusing to listen to anyone who suggests that they have empathy for him too.

As someone else says, it seems like you have made up your mind. You have shown no empathy towards him (even ridiculing him for struggling to adjust to his first child - very common) and it sounds like it has been really tough for him too but all your posts are about you. It doesn't sound like you will be able to get over your resentment towards him.

*Oh, and he insisted at the weekend that we all traipse everywhere together as a family, so there was no opportunity for me to catch up on sleep then either.

His reason?

So people didn't see him out on his own with the kids and think he was a McDad.

I agree with DorisDazzler - my DH has health issues and a degree of depression, and it takes such a toll on all of us. It sounds as though your DH has done a lot of practical things to help, and ten years is a long time to spend supporting someone through serious issues, no matter how much you love that person.

You've said you had no resources to emotionally support him, but even if you're fit and well as your DH was over that time, it is incredibly difficult to offer emotional support on an ongoing basis to a partner whilst getting nothing back. I feel sorry for you, but I feel sorry for your DH too, it sounds as though he can't win. It must be difficult living with no emotional support and no sex life - it sounds as though he's trying to deal with that without cheating, and he's being denied that too. I'd let the porn go and try to work on appreciating what you do get from each other, unless you feel you'd be happier without him, which is kind of what your posts suggest.

Op regarding the insistence about going out at weekend. I obviously don't know if what he said was a joke or he really meant it. Either way The bottom line is that whether he insisted or not , if you didn't want to go you shouldn't have. It's really not fair to go along with stuff then stew with resentment over it for years. Did he actually make you go ? What would have happened if you had insisted on staying home and catching up on sleep ?

No, these things are not jokes.

If I had said, no I'm not going out. He would have stayed home. If I had gone to bed to sleep, he would not have stopped DC1 coming to the bedroom because he wanted me, or else tried to placate DC1 for a few minutes before saying, oh it's no use, he doesn't want me and handing him over to me.

And then huffed for a week if I complained.

I haven't read through the other posts, so sorry if this has already been said. But I think you're being unreasonable. Him being unsupportive is completely not acceptable. But that's a separate issue.

If you're not prepared to have sex with your husband, why on earth would you be cross if he watched porn to get his kicks? Surely that's better than to go and cheat. I'm well aware my DP masturbates regularly and watches porn whilst doing so. I don't care. If I was to masturbates without him there, I'd also need porn to "get me there". I really don't see the issue. Especially if you don't want sex with him.

Oh dear. I opened this up when you very first posted. I didn't refresh before posting! Now 3 pages of responses and my response is now likely not appropriate! Ignore

I almost think the am I being unreasonable question is getting pointless. Lots of people have said you are, and you have argued, and given more info, as to why you are not. You do not actually want peoples opinions, you want people to agree with you.

So, lets cut to the chase. He is unsupportive of you, uncommunicative, you describe him as selfish, he has a different opinion of porn, and you sound as if you are getting nothing other than financial support from him in this relationship. You have tried counselling together, and him on his own. Things have not changed.

Put the red herring of porn use to one side and see the relationship (or lack thereof) as a whole. Time to leave him so he can go and have sex, and you can stop feeling suspicious and unhappy.

Do you KNOW that's what would have happened ? Did this happen a lot ?

If it did he shouldn't have done that , but equally it was down to you to assert yourself.

I don't think you'll ever be able to fix this relationship unless you learn to let go of your seething resentment of him OP. The fact that you are still bitter about not getting a lie in 10 years down the line is seriously fucked up.

YABU, but umpteen people have said that and you're not listening. It's pretty obvious from your posts that you despise this man. You need to split up.

He sounds like a controlling arse tbh. Do you actually like him? Or love him?

he doesn't seem to care about you at all.

Ok, I get what you are all saying.

How do I get over my seething resentment?

I mention the lie in stuff from 10 years ago because somebody downthread asked if the lack if support began when I was ill and I am giving examples to illustrate that no, it didn't, it began 10 years ago after the birth if dc1.

I can give you more recent examples if you like?

Like the way he treated Dc1 recently which led to me chucking him out.

I am very sorry for everything you are going through and the pain you are enduring. I do remember, though, that when I was mentally ill I was so trapped in my own illness that I didn't realise it was hurting my partner as well. Mental illness is real and serious and potentially very dangerous, but it doesn't affect only the patient and people with it do have a tendency not to appreciate the hurt it is causing others as well. Please understand I am not blaming you for that, but I'm trying to explain it. If you broke your leg and your husband had to do everything for you and the house by himself, that would not be your fault, and you would still be the injured one, but we would understand he would also be under strain and need help.

Sex is important to most people (it certainly is to me) and I think it is unreasonable to expect anyone to go without it but also not even allow them an online outlet such as porn. If my husband stopped sleeping with me, even if it was because of illness, I would feel hurt, rejected and unattractive, and if he then said I couldn't look at porn or read dirty books or use my vibrator, I'd think about leaving. And I would do those things anyway because it's bad for MY mental health to block all that out forever.

No one lives your life so we can't say if you are being unreasonable. You don't think you are though and it sounds as if you have lots of history and reasons as for why you aren't.
I can see why you are concerned there may be more to his internet viewing aside from 'normal' porn and I would be worried about the Thai massage too.

I wouldn't like the 'entitled' to sex thing and harem and needs comments. That's not a turn on!

Do you actually want to have sex with him? Tiredness etc aside...are you on medication that has affected your sex drive?

I think you're getting a rough ride on this thread actually, when another time it would have gone the other way...

Honestly, stop wasting your time and energy on all the shit that has and is happening, decide if you want to be truly happy and if so, start making plans to start a new life that doesn't include him, it all sounds completely draining, and life really is too short.

I don't think validation from strangers or comment is going to help you in any way, ToTrust, you sound at the end of your rope with it all. If I were in your position I'd be looking to separate with a view to divorcing - for everybody's sake. Your family is fractured, you and your husband don't get on and sooner or later your children will suffer; that is not fair.

You can keep on posting examples but it would be very unfair to comment on them as you have an inherent bias and are unable to see past your own anger and disappointment. I feel uneasy about posting on this thread anymore but I wish you peaceable and quick decision with your husband about how you will now deal with this.