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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel like I've been hit by a bus

298 replies

rubyroux · 07/07/2015 08:13

So yesterday I got the 'we need to talk text'. I was out until half 8, texted him to come round. He said he'd fallen asleep and could he come tomorrow. No, I needed to talk to him so he came at about 9. Basically said he hadn't been feeling this was working and couldn't be 'arsed' with me anymore. I was doing that horrible silent crying and couldn't speak. After about an hour he said this was 'harder than he'd thought' (because apparently dumping your gf of 18 months is going to be easy) and that maybe we should reconsider. So I get another chance! But I'm not allowed to 'try too hard' it has to come naturally Hmm. He's off on a stag do this weekend (to somewhere that rhymes with shag-a-scruff) and I asked if he was planning on doing something when out there. He said no but that I'd be 'able to tell if he had when he got back'. So I have to analyse his behaviour when he comes back to see if he's cheated on me?

I feel sick, like I've been punched in the stomach. I don't want to break up, that's the last thing I want but I don't want all this shit either. I feel awful, couldn't sleep last night. Got up early and came to work and I've got about 15 mins before people start arriving. I look shit, my eyes are all red and I can't speak without crying. Does anyone have a grip to quickly give me?

OP posts:
Fearless91 · 07/07/2015 13:59

Sorry OP I just realised my reply was on the wrong thread. Blush

ImperialBlether · 07/07/2015 14:02

Could it fit a small double bed in it? You can buy a divan which has drawers underneath. Do you have space elsewhere in the flat to put a wardrobe, eg on the landing? What about shelves on the wall? If you offer it at the right price you will get someone. Is there a college or university nearby?

ImperialBlether · 07/07/2015 14:04

But OP, your mum must be quite young. Is she single? Could you encourage her to make more of her spare time?

YellowTulips · 07/07/2015 14:22

I just looked up the etymology for the phrase "back to basics".

Meaning - "a return to previously held values of decency"

Origin - prominence in the UK from a 1993 speech by John Major "it's time to get back to basics: to self discipline and respect for the law, to consideration for others, to accepting responsibility for yourself and your family"

Not quite what he had in mind is it?

I think he's after a friends with benefits arrangement...ie B2B = back to bachelor as there's not a lot of "decency" in his proposition to you.

Branleuse · 07/07/2015 14:50

He sounds like a major headfuck. Hes going to have you on a proper merrygoround if you let him. He basically wants a pass to fuck around on holiday, he really thinks he holds the cards here, and will be able to snap his fingers and youll come back.

dont be that woman.

Original poster
rubyroux · 07/07/2015 15:21

Could possibly squeeze one in Imperial, it has these bizarre cupboards alongside one of the walls which makes it seem a lot smaller so could remove them. And the attic hatch is in the spare room so they could store all their stuff in there Grin.

My mum is in her 50's but will live alone for the rest of her time. It's a weird situation, she was separated from my dad but then when he became so ill she's more involved in his life now, ie taking him out etc. But he EA her for about 30 years so she never wants to be with anyone again. Which is sad but I guess it's her choice. She has a close friend that lives nearby and an active hobby but I still feel shit moving out Sad.

Yellow not what the idiot had in mind at all! I think that's exactly what he meant as well Angry.

Trying not to be Bran, I feel more positive than I did this morning.

OP posts:
Ohfourfoxache · 07/07/2015 15:25

I can understand why you feel shirt moving out, but you really shouldn't. Life goes on for us all, and you must live yours x

juliascurr · 07/07/2015 15:34

horrible for you
keep posting until you feel ok
which you will

xx

Original poster
rubyroux · 07/07/2015 15:52

Thank you four and julias xx

OP posts:
EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 07/07/2015 16:22

Don't worry too much about moving out, this'll be a new beginning for you and for your mum.

I think it's a good idea to take things easy and be on your own for a while, then see how you feel.

There are lots of ways to equip a small room if you want to and don't forget that under the rent a room scheme there are tax advantages Link

queenofthebored · 07/07/2015 16:27

I too had a father with severe mental health issues who spent pretty much all of my life sectioned or in supervised accommodation, I also had a pattern in my relationships where I put up with too much shite and got treated like an idiot, I'm highly educated and in all other aspects of my life confident and independent but when it came to relationships I shudder with humiliation when I recall what I put up with, one of the worst examples my bf of 2 years, my leeching arsewipe of a bf phoning me the day after my Dad died demanding money for something selfish and unnecessary and then when I explained I couldn't as I now had an unexpected funeral to pay for he called me a selfish bitch and hung up, to my shame I didn't dump him immediately.

To cut a long story short I ended up having a bit of a breakdown and ended up in CBT therapy and during my sessions I came to realise that I had a saviours complex, I couldn't save my dad but I was convinced I could make up for it and save one of the losers I dated so I put up with all the crap the cold throw at me. It was a revelation and finally at the age of 37 I started a relationship with someone who didn't take advantage and I didn't try to save. I am now very happy.

Having a father with extreme MH issues affects you deeper than we often admit as it feels like a betrayal ( which its not !) once you've remove this drain of a man from your life and you are all settled in your lovely new home I would kindly suggest seeing someone for a few CBT sessions so that unlike me you don't put up with 20 years of stupidity x

ouryve · 07/07/2015 16:30

Have only read the first post, but this man is not a keeper. He's doing you a favour by letting you know that maintaining a steady relationship with someone is too much like hard work for him.

Damnautocorrect · 07/07/2015 16:42

What a fucking wanker!
I had a lucky escape from one like this. At the time I was bereft, sent some messages I'm not proud of, drove the 4 hours to see him.
Do you know what he was a proper arse! As it turns out I'm 99% sure he finished it because he'd fucked/ was planning to shag someone and was feeling guilty. I was hard work - far away, ill family I was caring for.
He was the only one to get me that way and I'm still not sure why. It's hard really really hard, see your dad, see your friend, do your towing course. Keep busy and your phone at arms length. He wants baggage free honeymoon time not adult relationship

ouryve · 07/07/2015 16:43

And I've read all your posts now and he most definitely is not a keeper and I'm glad you're coming to terms with that x

Ohfourfoxache · 07/07/2015 19:27

Well, one thing is for sure Ruby - you've not had a single post to say that this chap is a keeper/is being reasonable/that you've misinterpreted his action etc etc

So, it's not you - it's him

I really hope that you can take some comfort from that xx

goddessofsmallthings · 07/07/2015 19:38

I think you should keep him ... have him stuffed and nail him to the wall as a reminder of what not to go for Grin

You're well rid, honey - get your money back and keep it that way.

gelwax · 07/07/2015 19:44

Wowzers. Run like the fucking wind from this one! Hope you took your mate up on the offer of the G&T.

Original poster
rubyroux · 07/07/2015 21:30

Oh queen thank you so much for your post, it really struck a chord. You're the first person that I've spoken to to be in the same situation. What do you do at CBT sessions and do you get referred through your gp? I'm terrified I'll end up the same as my dad, my brother got drunk last weekend and said I was the most similar to my dad character wise and that he wouldn't be surprised if I ended up with 'issues'. My grandfather killed himself so it's obvious it's hereditary.

Damm I'm glad you managed to cut him loose. Yes this is the first one to get to me like this, why is it the odd one manages to get under your skin like this?

Ohfour that's very true and it is giving me some consolation! I'm not as weepy and ridiculous as I was this morning, I just feel kind of empty but I have a busy weekend planned with 10 hours of towing lessons so that should keep me entertained/ bore me to death Grin xx

goddess can I nail him to the wall by his balls... Whilst he's still alive Grin

OP posts:
KatieScarlettreregged · 07/07/2015 21:36

Ruby, my dad was a drunken abuser and my Papa killed himself too Shock
I am a bit stressy and anxious at times (anxiety disorder but very much under control) but other than that I grew up fine.

Original poster
rubyroux · 07/07/2015 21:45

What?! Do you worry that it will be passed on to you at all? I'm stressy and anxious too sometimes but have nothing diagnosed. I don't want to go to the gp in case they label me the same as my dad. But glad to hear it's under control Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
rubyroux · 07/07/2015 21:46

Ps this thread is very revealing, sorry for getting carried away. I've never wrote any of this stuff down before Blush

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/07/2015 21:48

that's the power of MN Smile

KatieScarlettreregged · 07/07/2015 21:55

No I don't worry about that at all.
My AD is a direct result of living with my father as a child. I did lots of talking therapy, know my triggers and take care of myself.
If anything, I learned never to be dependent on any man and to get help if I start to go downhill. I've been very happily married for over 20 years with two older DC but still need to know I can support us if DH ever became an arse.
In many ways I learned how NOT to be IYSWIM?
I'm ok with that Smile

Original poster
rubyroux · 07/07/2015 21:59

I feel like I've sold my soul to the devil AF!

That sounds so positive Katie and makes me feel happier for the future Smile

OP posts:
KatieScarlettreregged · 07/07/2015 22:04

You'll be fine. It shines out in your posts that you are too good for that substandard man. Hold out for a good one, they are out there Wink