Feel like I've been hit by a bus

[rubyroux]

So yesterday I got the 'we need to talk text'. I was out until half 8, texted him to come round. He said he'd fallen asleep and could he come tomorrow. No, I needed to talk to him so he came at about 9. Basically said he hadn't been feeling this was working and couldn't be 'arsed' with me anymore. I was doing that horrible silent crying and couldn't speak. After about an hour he said this was 'harder than he'd thought' (because apparently dumping your gf of 18 months is going to be easy) and that maybe we should reconsider. So I get another chance! But I'm not allowed to 'try too hard' it has to come naturally . He's off on a stag do this weekend (to somewhere that rhymes with shag-a-scruff) and I asked if he was planning on doing something when out there. He said no but that I'd be 'able to tell if he had when he got back'. So I have to analyse his behaviour when he comes back to see if he's cheated on me?

I feel sick, like I've been punched in the stomach. I don't want to break up, that's the last thing I want but I don't want all this shit either. I feel awful, couldn't sleep last night. Got up early and came to work and I've got about 15 mins before people start arriving. I look shit, my eyes are all red and I can't speak without crying. Does anyone have a grip to quickly give me?

Ruby, I paid for private sessions as the wait for nhs sessions was too long as I was a gibbering wreck at the time. The fear that I would end up like my Dad was for a long time was an overriding fear as my parents divorced when I was v young most people assumed my SF was my real dad and had no idea about my "secret" mental dad, my mother absolutely refused to talk about my dad or talk through court enforced contact visits which I endured frim the age of 4, I was well into my 30's before I mentioned him to any of my friends, the 70's and 80's were not a particularly enlightened time when it came to talking about paranoid schizophrenia, people seemed to think its something you inherited like hair colour or height. Holding so much inside and the strain of loving someone who I was also afraid of made me emotionally and physically ill.

The way my councillor - who incidentally was also the person who gave my fathers funeral, strangely the first time I had ever really opened up about it all was in trying to explain how difficult it was to arrange an appropriate funeral was in the circumstances- explained CBT to me like this " At the moment all your hurt and issues are in a giant messy heap on the floor, everytime you try to move it trips you up and holds you back - CBt wont make it disappear but it will help you tidy up and put the hurt and issues on a shelf, it will still be there but you control it and they will no longer hold you back"

CBt for me was a lot of talking (and crying) and letting things out I'd held in for too long and finding new ways to deal with things by changing my behaviours in certain situations.

I m not always around on MN a lot but if you ever wnt to PM me I will reply x

How are you doing today? X

Thank you queen that is so helpful and I really appreciate you taking the time to reply all that. I definitely think I'll do as you said and maybe go speak to someone when this shitstorm is over and I'm moved into the house. Thanks for the offer of a pm, I may well take you up on that xx

Hey four, I'm doing better thank you for asking. He's texting me as normal, asked how my day went but he's going tomorrow so I won't hear anything until Monday probably if he's decided he wants to come crawling back. Still not sure how I'll play it. I've kept busy, tonight I made healthy soup with all the veg that was about to off in the fridge and I'm currently catching up on Orange is the new black and cuddling the dog xx

Ooh veg soup sounds yum!

You sound more positive tonight, despite his texts. He really does think he's God's gift, doesn't he? Dogs are definitely preferable!

I hope that you are not answering his texts OP. Your coolness will take the shine off his Shagaluf trip - he was hoping for you to be so desperate to keep him at all costs that you gave him a green light to do what he needed to do.

Fucking arsewipe.

Dog and veg soup = SO much more rewarding.

You're worth 1 million of him. Get some pride. Get rid of him. He can't be arsed with you. Who the hell does he think he is.

He does think he's gods gift four, used to go on about how I was 'punching above my weight'. He is fucking good looking I'll give him that but no point being so beautiful when you're so cold inside. Trying not to think of the fact he'll be there now doing god knows what! Just want to say thank you again to everyone that replied on this thread, no doubt I'd still have been a sniffling wreck without it

He does think he's gods gift four, used to go on about how I was 'punching above my weight'. He is fucking good looking I'll give him that but no point being so beautiful when you're so cold inside. Trying not to think of the fact he'll be there now doing god knows what! Just want to say thank you again to everyone that replied on this thread, no doubt I'd still have been a sniffling wreck without it

Punching above his weight! Omg! What a bastard.

I would have LTB there and then!

My god did he think he was doing you a favour!

Please for the sake of my sanity....delete his number . Don't take his calls!

Go absolutely stone cold no contact.

Punching above your weight! I want to puch his arrogant lights out!

My god. Forget him PLEASE!

Punching what?

What an arrogant, nasty, manipulative dickhead. You realise he actually believes this? He thinks he is doing you a favour by being in your presence.

Please disabuse him of this notion, (for his own good) by never begging for scraps of affection from him again. And feel very sorry for the poor woman who he gets to patronise next.

Leave the bastard and stop all contact. You won't be happy if you stay with him.

Erm, he what now?

How utterly kind of him to relinquish his god like status to date a mere mortal.

How fucking dare he? And how the fuck did he brainwash you into accepting this sort of manipulative bullshit? Agree with ^ - delete, block, ignore x

He does think he's gods gift four, used to go on about how I was 'punching above my weight'

Tosser!

Please don't ever make the same mistake of giving someone like that the time of day.

He'd say it kind of jokingly so I'd just look at him like and move on. Looks fade though (I hope!). Didn't help that whenever a female relative/ neighbour/ friend met him they'd say how good looking he was so I kind of felt lucky bleurgh

Oh yeah, really lucky (!) - what a catch this specimen is(!)

What a fucking wankbadger!

I had a BF dump me (age 39), then say he wanted to 'start again' but 'right from the beginning' - I did give it a try (I loved him and was happy to grasp at straws), but really at that point you are just helping them out because they're feeling guilty and want to feel better about themselves or they find the power they have over you a bit of a turn on and can't resist messing you around a bit longer with some please-let-me-please-you shags.

It's only worth it when they're really, really into you.

In my extensive experience, this awful sick feeling part of a break-up doesn't last so long - battle through, you will get back into your stride.

If you think that - report it to MNHQ but don't post it on the thread.

glittery it's called 'heartbreak' although you'll probably need to start on a smaller emotion on your journey towards emotional literacy. Baby steps dear.

Thank you gardener. He's not really into me is he

And thank you glittery, I feel a bit sick now. Do you really think I'd make all that shit up about my dad?

No love, he is however very, very, very into himself. It's not you, it's him.
Confidence is one thing, arrogance is quite another.

Yes, by the way, ruby after he finally dumped me and I had endured my stint of devastation, I met my now DH who was absolutely into me, never ever kept me guessing and was ready for babies. A few months later I went out for a drink with the ex, as friends, and could barely concentrate on what he was saying as I took in the self-absorbed idiot before me.

We play games in these highly-charged situations - he is not really in control of his actions. If you are very cool about the end of the relationship, he will in all likelihood try to get you back, out of fear that he's actually missing out on something good. But if you go back, you will just do another turn of the circle.

I agree, it's a horrible trait in a person!

The jokes people tell are revealing.