Husband's affair - Tom is moving on

[tomatoplantproject]

I took a break from mumsnet for a little while. It has been an eventful little while. Mumsnet keeps breaking and I'm sorry but I can't link my previous threads.

My husband had an affair with an Italian, I found out over 2 months ago. I kicked him out and since then have been trying to rebuild my life whilst keeping things stable for my little girl. I have an amazing family and friends who have been looking out for me.

We have had various discussions since I found out and have been seeing a Relate counsellor. Various posters have been warning me to be wary given how he has been behaving.

He was due to go to Spain last week on his own for a holiday - he cancelled at the very last minute after I asked him not to go and has been spending time with dd and I. Things were starting to thaw between us and we were building at least a friendship.

I had a job interview this evening and he did dd's bedtime routine for me. When I came home he sat me down and told me he was going to be honest with me. He has been in touch with the Italian Job since I found out, and they were due to go to Spain to see if they had a long term future. He pulled out on the Sunday after I asked him not to go.

I won't ever trust him ever again, and he hasn't put me first or respected my wishes that he is not in touch with her. So I am done. Once and for all. I can now move on.

You were all right. I just wasn't ready to believe you.

The Italian stuck it out for a long time, didn't she?

You've either got to think she's totally thick or for the last year he's been desperately promising her the world.

Hmm, I know what my money is on.

Fate - what an odd post. I don't think Tom is out to "win" at all

He is the ONE who destroyed the marriage.

Tom isn't out to win, but Lord Polished Concrete has been treating their relationship as a zero sum game since the start.

Fate has posted in the same manner as Mama so its not something we havent heard before.

I can think of nothing worse than helping your husband get over his love affair with someone else.

Yes, by all means have another go if thats what you want to do - but to do it from that angle is beyond screwed up.

Tom, you say what if I can never trust him again? The simple answer to that is you can't. If you do decide to try again, it has to be in the full knowledge of that. You would never again have the luxury of complete peace of mind. After all the deception and pain, it is humanly impossible.

This recent epiphany of his feels just too little too late, and may be connected to his father's health. When a loved one has a severe health scare it often causes a lot of soul searching, and facing up to our own mortality. This often results in a need for the comfort of the known.

The only way you are ever going to get peace of mind, is to make a final decision and stick to it. At the moment it seems that for every step forward you take, it's followed by two back. Your confusion and pain is heartbreaking to read.

Tom, please take care not to destroy your marriage our of a desire to "win". No one will win.

An extraordinarily insensitive and unintelligent comment. Tom is not the one who destroyed this marriage, and she has worked so hard to try and deal with DH's behaviour and would love to have been able to make it work. But sadly, she has had nothing back from DH of what's necessary to rebuild. Nothing. He's just carried on seeing OW and lying about it.

Her DH is already blaming her for 'not begging', trying to shift all the responsibility onto her, and you're taking the same line.

Marriages can and do recover from adultery. Only if both parties accept the gravity of the situation and seek to heal each other.

Absolutely they can. It's very painful and it takes a lot of work, but if the adulterer is penitent, agrees to total honesty and transparency, addresses the pain and devastation they have caused, stays away from OW, and commits to the long haul of rebuilding, it's possible.

But Tom's DH has done none of that. He's continued to see OW. He's continued to lie repeatedly. He's been extremely manipulative and unreliable. And if you really had been following the thread closely you'd know that he's done the 'I've finished with OW' line before. Twice in fact. Once when the affair came out. Then again some time later. And now he's saying it again. So clearly he's been in contact with her all this time.

Nobody can heal someone else.

My solicitor has a plan so that I can take my time knowing my future is secure. She said to let her do what I pay her for and be calculating on my behalf.

I am seeing the counsellor tomorrow evening. I need to figure out what is holding me back.

For the record I don't think there are any winners in this one. There has been a huge amount of heartache, tears, pain and I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

Fwiw Tom, I can't speak for anyone else, but if I thought there was the remotest chance of this relationship being fixed, or that DH actually wanted to fix it - consistently I mean - not just occasionally when he feels guilty - I would be encouraging you to try.

Just found this thread and have read it through.

Another vote against the tide for what FATEdestiny said; and

This would not be about being weak and giving in to him; it would be about taking what you want from the relationship on a revised set of terms.

It wouldn't be perfect, but few people have 'perfect'.

Agree with suggestion to do a post-nup. Then he has to be serious about it. I do not mean that there would be instant trust and happiness but it would be a new basis.

You are 38 and want more children. If you want this to happen, he can do this for you. Gun me down everyone; but I think it is unlikely that you'll meet a new Mr. Perfect with the amount of effort you put into your daughter, your hunt for work and all of this palaver on top.

If he can and is willing to support you, use this to enjoy more time with your daughter instead of working; think of it perhaps a bit less misty-eyed and romantically.

I'm sure it won't be popular, but this is another point of view!

Thank you twinkle.

I think he means it when he is sat in front of me, but because I don't leap up and beg him back he goes home, licks his wounds and tries the next option.

I am really upset that yet again he has encroached upon time that I need for myself. I had carved out these few days so I could relax, recover and build myself up and here I am again.

I had been settling in with the decision of no more, and I don't think its the wrong one.

I don't quite know how to describe it but it feels like I'm about to raise the stakes. Initially it was "no contact for a couple of months and no contact with her" and its going to end up something like "no contact for a couple of months and all your worldly possessions". Win-win tomato, because he won't stick to what he needs to do, so at least I get some kind of security out of it. I predict I will ultimately be walking away shaking my head saying something like "it was very simple, all he had to do was leave work on time twice a week and he couldn't even do that, so I am done. For the last time, I am done I tell you". And then all will go quiet and someone will say on a thread in 20 years time "I wonder what happened to tomato" and I will pipe up as a very well known and loved mumsnetter saying "that was me, but I namechanged soon after, and I fell in love with a [insert occupation of choice] and we are now properly content and dd is a very grounded and eminent [barrister/dr/classical ballerina/designerofpinkthings]"

Piecesofcake - actually the thing I give up when I give up with him is the dream of more children. My bigger backstory is that I was having investigations for secondary infertility and we were about to start fertility treatment when I discovered his affair. My conditions for returning to him would include resuming the treatment. I know that is stupid, but its the irrational, 38 year old, body clock shouting loudly side of me which won't be silenced. I grieve for the children I won't have far more than I grieve for him.

I think he means it when he is sat in front of me, but because I don't leap up and beg him back he goes home, licks his wounds and tries the next option.

It's not because you don't leap up and beg. And if you did he would despise you for it, whatever he claims.

He doesn't go back to OW because of what you do - it's simply because when he said it was over it wasn't. Whatever you said, whatever you did he would be going back to her.

He wants to come out with the winning hand. But he doesn't know which it is. And he wants to keep both options open - so he's manipulating and deceiving you both - in order to get what he wants.

To paraphrase Auden - the devil loses because he cheats.

I do absolutely believe that you will meet someone much nicer. Not necessarily in time to have more kids, although it's possible. But - I think in retrospect you'll see this relationship actually wasn't right for you long term.

Maybe. I think it had been very on, off, off, on so "over" has actually been "over until the next time I tell you I can't live without you".

I'm going to be fair to myself now. Since I found out I haven't reached out and touched him, I haven't kissed him, I haven't had sex with him. The most I have done is listened and then vented on mumsnet. He has seen my break down in tears a number of times but I haven't once let him comfort me.

Thank you twinkle. I have been thinking the most I can hope for is to create a crazy blended family. Give dd step brothers and sisters rather than blood ones. Who knows.

*"over until the next time I tell you I can't live without you"

Exactly.

Gun me down everyone

People can express and opinion without gunning people down.

but I think it is unlikely that you'll meet a new Mr. Perfect with the amount of effort you put into your daughter, your hunt for work and all of this palaver on top.

Mumsnet is full of women who have done just that.

The world outside of Mumsnet is full of women who have done just that.

Tomato, if you took him back you couldn't resume your fertility treatment for a good few years because anything else would be a huge mistake for you, your wee girl, and the new baby. So lets say you delayed things for 3 years then started treatment that may or may not work - in that time you could have met someone else and be doing the same thing so in my mind the time frame is the same. Regardless of what you do, you really wouldn't be looking at treatment till you were in your early 40's.

Re blended families - Im part of a blended family and its the best thing ever.

xxxxxx

This morning I've been wondering about me, and whats in it for me.

I've had a year pretty much of being on my own, whether he's been in the house or not, and I don't see that he adds anything except for pain and heartache. Certainly no care and consideration when I've needed it. Since I became pregnant I've felt like life is a bit of a struggle one way or another and it shouldn't be like that should it? I just thought it was the reality of having a little one but maybe it was having a shit husband instead.

I've been in this place a few times now and its not at all good for me - I'm in the same old cycle.

He hasn't once thought about what is good for me and what kind of a space I'm in. I've become more assertive in telling him and making him aware, but he hasn't put himself in my shoes.

What I find difficult is when he's sat in front of me I can't think straight. It's like there is this underlying assumption that we are meant to be together. And so I come away completely confused and it takes a couple of days for the fog to clear.

I'm seeing the counsellor later.

What I find difficult is when he's sat in front of me I can't think straight. It's like there is this underlying assumption that we are meant to be together.

I can still recall my husband telling me how special we were and how we were just meant to be together - I've discovered in the last 2 weeks that at one stage he had 3 of us on the go at the same time. Yep, thats right. He was having relationship with 3 of us at the same time whilst saying we were meant to be together!

And I really do understand how difficult it is when they're sat in front of you. There's just something about them, isnt there? Crikey until not so long ago mine just had to send me a text message and I'd be madly in love again.

xxxx

Tom, correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think you have really talked here, in any depth, about how things were before the affair. Now you seem to be saying that your unhappiness goes much further back. It's good that you are having the counselling, where you can fully explore your entire relationship. Obviously the affair is what brought you to where you are right now, but I suspect that may not be the whole picture. Good luck.x.

but I suspect that may not be the whole picture.

Yes, I agree. I think Tom now has the courage to face things head on and admit to herself there were things making her unhappy.

Tom has there ever been a time when he has considered your needs? Your need not to live with pretentious polished concrete, your need to be supported in pregnancy, your need for your husband not to be off with another woman?
I just don't think he has ever met your needs. If you took him back, there would be 2 things that would happen. 1) He would get bored and impatient by having to be contrite at length and start hoping that you would 'move on' and 'get over it'. 2. He would start coming home late from work, taking work trips and you would be driven insane again with lack of trust.
If you are looking for a sperm donor, don't choose him!

I've just typed a massive response and dd has lost it for me!

In a nutshell until we had the affair I had thought we were really happy with each other. Lots of fun and mischief and he really was my best friend. I struggled confidence wise a lot over pregnancy and beyond and struggled with the changes to my life of having to be completely selfless for dd but I had put that down as my issues rather than because of him. He used to push me more to going out and seeing my friends rather than making it hard and isolating me.

My biggest criticism was the amount of attention his work and networking took. And I would have said the biggest stress on the marriage was the difficulties we had getting me pregnant.

I never ever would have thought he would have an affair and when the thought first crossed my mind I dismissed it as being so stupid amd inconceivable I thought I was going mad.

The only other thing which changed was that I think the business success started to go to his head arount the time I stopped working and that not getting pregnant a second time was getting me down a lot more. I totally lost my confidence at the time he was on a real roll. And then his affair started.

I think the thing with polished concrete was that he always wanted it and I had always said no, and that was ok. We then nearly bought another house when he was having the affair and had said he would put his foot down and I couldn't overrule him the next time. So the power had completely shifted from respectful to what he said goes. Its symbolic more than anything.