Does anyone know much about limerence or ever experienced it?

[OneOutOneIn]

It's something I've been reading about recently as I suspect I'm experiencing it with a particular evasive ex but I wonder if the truth is just to get a grip?

Me during my limerant period - self esteem was on the floor. Desperately in need of comfort and escapism from some very difficult issues that I was having to address in my past, as well as in my marriage. Limerance started to end when I started to get on top of those issues and got strong enough to take control of it - decided I didn't like the way limerance made me feel and behave and went NC. I now see my limerance as something that came along when I needed it but is passing now that I don't.

Interesting - yes, very similar. In need of a boost and along he comes. And yet there were others but this one hit the spot. Have to aim to take control of heart and mind then just run with the bad days as they get less - and they will.

Mine started out with just a bit of banter that I instigated...he developed s fleeting crush and I was left feeling guilty until....my feelings for this rather unattractive man escalated to the point that it was all consuming.
He really is a lovely man..not a player. I don't for one second hold him accountable for my state of mind.
We fancied each other but he managed to get a handle on the situation whereas I didn't.
Looking back I think I was vulnerable, somewhat unstable after a raft of personal/professional issues.

I lost two whole years of my life..no amount of counselling helped either.

It's so interesting and reassuring to read this discussion. I had this experience about 18 years ago and still cannot really comprehend what it was or why I let it happen.

I had this weird, unhealthy and obsessional "relationshIp" with someone I worked with. We were both married, I had a youngish DC, I had some much in my life and I almost lost it all over a seriously damaging obsession with a person I didn't really actually like much as a human being.

I ended up having a complete mental breakdown and leaving a successful career because I needed to go cold turkey to stop seeing this man. I've recovered, my marriage survived and I'm a stronger, wiser and more self-aware person because of the experience, but I lost a part of myself and my life because of it.

I guess I was always a little obsessional by nature and enjoyed a harmless crush sometimes, but this person who I worked with was a seriously flawed individual. I got sucked in I think because I was naive and a bit vulnerable struggling to be a full time working mother, slight undiagnosed postnatal depression and a strained marriage. I started off supporting him as a friend because he confided in me about his own marriage problems and his on/off relationship with another person at work. I arrogantly thought I could help him somehow and ended up sucked into his narcissistic needs.

I suspect now he had a sociopathic personality, but what resonates with this thread is the way he would blow hot and cold, giving me just enough to keep me interested then pulling away again. I would analyse every word he said, every nuance, every look, trying to understand what everything meant. I stopped being able to sleep, my brain was so engaged and I was so full of adrenaline all the time. I would check my email every couple of minutes to see if he had replied. Towards the end I actually was unable to sleep for 3 whole nights at all. It lasted about 6 months in total, during that time we only slept together twice, but it was enough to keep me obsessed. There was a final moment when he said he was "still in love with the other woman" I think his purpose was to keep me chasing him and the scales just fell away from eyes at that point. I totally crashed and ended up hospitalised for 2 weeks.

I still feel very ashamed and have never told anyone such an honest account. I'm still not that sure of what really happened, and how much was my own obsession or whether he was just a very skilful manipulator. But generally I don't let myself think about it too much. It happened, it's in the past and I'll never totally trust another person again.

My LO isn't a narcissist or a player either. My neuroticism over him is not his fault. Given that I've had limerence for this person twice now, the common denominator is my low self esteem I reckon. Second time happened to coincide with a shit time in my realtionship too which probably contributed. If things had have been hunky dory at home, we might have been able to pick up again as friends only and not got into an affair and perhaps it wouldn't have developed into limerence because we wouldn't have been forced to separate again. Who knows?

Don't feel ashamed, namechange. Limerence is not something we can control. I hope the fact that you can see that it's happened to many others helps you to see that you were not at fault and you have nothing to be ashamed of

I do think part of what happens with Limerance (not a term I had ever heard of before) is its as if a relationship (for whatever reason) never goes beyond the first few days/weeks of the euphoric stage of meeting someone or falling in love or when a relationship fails to end for any form of closure for the individual concerned.

I do think some people (mainly men) enjoy the thrill of the chase and/or are commitment phobic so they consciously or unconsciously somehow keep a relationship at the initial unsure stage, because they do not have the emotional depth to take it any further. If the other person is not too emotional invested or "addicted" at that stage they tire of the relationship not progressing beyond a certain level and are able to walk away. Those of us who are hooked by this adrenalin stage for whatever reason, keep hoping, trying and persisting against all logic and reason and become enmeshed in this obsessional stage and can't escape. It is very effective way for a narcissistic personality to be fed the love and adoration they need, we are so busy projecting our own love image onto the object of our desire, they never have to man up and invest in some of the harder parts of most relationships.

Sporned thank you your kindness just made me cry

I was the victim of a limerant and it was hugely distressing. Started out friends but he took advantage of me when I was particularly vulnerable - then twisted it all so I didn't know what our relationship was and how we had got there. I was desperately trying to disentangle from him but felt trapped/guilty. He effectively stalked me for a good few months.

I ended up cutting him (and our mutual friends) out of my life because it was all too much. I still saw him around though and it made my skin crawl.

Thinking about his behaviour and the description of limerance it does all seem to fit though.

We've identified there are great many commonalities with these mean.Cheating, using, narcissism etc is a common theme.
Are there any commonalities between us?
Have been badly treated in relationships before, have low self esteem?

This is an interesting question brokenhearted.

As part of my limerent obsession, I did a lot of research about who/what is attracted to narcissists (I know that not all Limerent Objects are Narcs, but it seems that there are a lot - probably because the hot/cold thing which is a key ingredient in creating limerance, is a standard tool of the narcissist).

It's very common to find people with borderline personality disorder attracted to narcissists. People who are basically a bit co-dependent and get their self-esteem from being allied to a superior partner, from the reactions and recognition of others.

In my case, I've never really been treated badly in relationships. I do have very low self esteem but it would take someone with a good radar to spot it (narcs are very good at reading people and spotting a potential fan for their fan club). I am very high achieving and look like a succesful superstar on the outside. Someone meeting me first time or even knowing me for a long while in a work context would never know.

The operating outside is a very attractive, self confident, highly intelligent over achiever. Inside is someone who hates herself, thinks that her only value is through other people.

by rejecting me, this narcissist triggered some kind of "I can make you love me" competition response. I always win at everything and hate losing. so it was like a red rag to a bull for me. And it ended up being limerence.

It's an interest point though - given that so many of these men seem to be the same, whether the women who end up in a limerent state also have similar features.

I basically left my DH for my LO. He really was a player, but he was so so clever (surgeon, PhD) and knew exactly what to say to keep me interested. For 9 months. He promised me happy every after. He lied so much. I walked away twice. He found ways to pull me back in. In the end I went cold turkey and it was so so hard. I thought about him every day for nearly three years. Then about six months ago I met someone I work with now that's one of his best friends. He does this so often, and there are so many other women he treated exactly the same as me. He even had a gf at the time and I had no idea at all. Knowing it wasn't something I'd done wrong cured me instantly. We're back in touch at the moment because of a work thing and I'm finding him hilarious. Still up to his old tricks. He's even sent me photos he sent me three years ago and pretending they're recent. So many lies. He's referred to as cuntfish - like catfish but cuntier, due to the amount of lies he tells. His friend also refers to him as that in conversation with me, which makes me laugh. A lot.

Interesting to read your post about being on the receiving end of the limerent interest BuildYourOwn. I can see how it might be a bit stalkerish for some people.

In my case, I've never really been treated badly in relationships. I do have very low self esteem but it would take someone with a good radar to spot it (narcs are very good at reading people and spotting a potential fan for their fan club). I am very high achieving and look like a succesful superstar on the outside. Someone meeting me first time or even knowing me for a long while in a work context would never know.

This is me to a tee, SelfLoathing. It takes a very astute person to see beneath the surface with me as I've perfected the front. When DP and I had counselling, I talked about my self esteem issues and he was shocked. I've lived with him for 18 years and he genuinely had no idea what lay beneath the surface. He's always just taken me at face value. It's no wonder we hit the skids.

My LO is no narcissist though. His self esteem issues are probably worse than mine. He believes he's a terrible person unworthy of anyone's love. He's really not. He's not everyone's cup of tea, granted, but I get him. If anything, in our relationship (both times), he would consider me the dominant partner I think.

I link my limerence may be born of a need to fix him. To make him realise that's he's better then he thinks he is. How the fuck can I fix someone else though when I'm pretty broken myself?

co-dependency

I think you may have hit the nail on the head there, broken.

A lot of what SelfLoathing has written chimes with me. To an outsider I seem like a confident, intelligent, even slightly daunting prospect. I'm also a perfectionist so I have this tendency to want to win, I can't accept failure.

I have been on/off, NC and "just friends" with the "object" for 18 months. I have ended this 7 times, I have played hard to get, I have ignored texts and emails, I have called him out on his manipulation and I have pointed out his flaws to him. He has played hot/cold, on/off, I love you/its "just sex" games for all this time too. He reels me in with constant attention, then pulls away, he tells me it is because of my circumstances, then it is because of something else. He tells me he wants to be with me forever and then tries to make me jealous.

I lost over a stone in weight, stopped eating, unable to sleep, thought constantly of nothing and no one else, neglected my work, bored my friends, and even deserted my poor frail father at times when he needed me.

Who is the limerent here? We both play out this ridiculous game. I know he is incapable of being faithful, he has nothing to offer me, he has quite low self esteem and yet seems to think the world owes him something. Oh the chemistry is amazing, the sex like nothing I have ever experienced and time literally stands still when he looks at me. But I imagine his look to be practiced, worked out in advance, his mirroring responses, his line of romantic thought, all of it somehow cunningly affected to manipulate.

He invades my thoughts when we are on, he stalks my dreams when we are off, he fills my every waking moment with anxiety and fear, I cry, I smile, and when we are together we spend what seems like a lot of time grinning stupidly at each other. When we are apart I feel broken. I am torn between "winning" and knowing that I need to retreat.

Love or limerence? I don't honestly know, but if I could live my life again I would never have agreed to that first date. Sometimes the world is not a big enough place for both of us to exist. I honestly don't see an end to it. And yes, I think he is a bit narcissistic. Or he has some tendency towards this. He told me very early on and "that all women stalk me eventually" now look who does the stalking! I really wonder where i shall find the strength to completely end it for good, because the world is so small.

Sorry, name change fail. I'm posting as WhatTheActualFuck on this thread forgot to change back after posting elsewhere. Not sick puppeting, honest.

Guess it's time to change my regular posting name again

yes broken I understand that point.

Certainly my LO was 'capable' of maintaining a long term relationship, his wife and other OW but I think the key feature of both those other relationships was his perpetual need to keep them turbulent and dramatic. I think the other OW knew what was going on with me and this may be why he started something with me to make her jealous. She said to me once "X needs a strong woman, you know", sort of warning me off if you like, but it somehow made me want to compete more.
He even said to me once that seeing me improved his sex life with his wife, goodness what that was about and why I didn't tell him to F*off.

I think this links well to the points that loathing made. On the surface I come across as a very strong, capable and confident woman, I was very successful in my career and had just received a big promotion. Inside I was full of self doubt, but what my key motivation and attraction to my LO was about was around me somehow being able to heal him, I was a better woman for him than the other OW. I could love him more, I could understand him better. They had both confided in me, told me the relationship was over and I wanted to heal him. A mixture of both arrogance and low self-esteem on my part.

it's also interesting that we have touched on stalking, my LO exhibited quite a lot of stalking behaviour towards me, telling me what he noticed about me when I wasn't aware that he was watching me. Shortly after the relationship ended he would park outside my house a couple of times, the phone would ring and he would hang up. I had to change my phone number and go ex-directory, by then I had told some of it to my DH who threatened LO to leave me alone or DH would tell LO's wife. This gave me a small bit of strength I needed to break the spell.

Yes me too - outwardly appearing to have a completely sorted golden life and yet a total walking disaster zone on the inside. People get very shocked when they find out the extent of my personal issues and mental health as they have had no idea. They just see a highly successful, articulate, educated me. But this is where my LO comes into play - he is so insightful, watchful, caring...felt like he could read my mind and without me having to say anything, he would know when I was distressed and needed TLC when noone else would notice. His ability to read my mind freaked me out - I couldn't pull the wool over his eyes like I could with everyone else. In some ways though, it's his ability to do that that helped me get on top of my issues. I realised I was using him and his reactions to me to determine my self worth, and after 2.5 years got completely exhausted from it. Got myself involved in many sports, activities, study to build my self esteem so I no longer needed him to do it for me.

Do you also think part of it is that we are intelligent, naturally analytical and logical people?

We somehow want to understand what makes another person tick, empathetic with their needs trying to over think the relationship and end up obsessively thinking about the other person. I had a number of counselling sessions, my dear counsellor often got a little frustrated with me and kept saying "stop trying to think about what he wants and think about what it is you want and whether on all evidence this man is capable of giving it to you". It didn't make much difference at the time, but certainly does now.

I think part of my problem is being analytical and logical, yes ForThisThread. A friend of mine pointed this out to me. It made sense because in the past my very normal, undramatic and straighforward relationships have run a certain course, with a beginning, middle and end. The ending was always final and the reasons explicit and rational. I have spent far too many hours trying to understand the most irrational man I have ever met. His behavior and thinking defy all logic.