Does anyone know much about limerence or ever experienced it?

[OneOutOneIn]

It's something I've been reading about recently as I suspect I'm experiencing it with a particular evasive ex but I wonder if the truth is just to get a grip?

DerangedLimerentMinx

So much of what you have written also could be me:

I have been on/off, NC and "just friends" with the "object" for 18 months. I have ended this 7 times, I have played hard to get, I have ignored texts and emails, I have called him out on his manipulation and I have pointed out his flaws to him.

Ditto in varying themes over varying periods. I could sum it up by saying "I tried everything to make him care about me" (and just to indicate the appalling low level of self esteem we are talking about here) - I don't mean "love me" - I literally just mean have a tiny bit of interest and care and affection. I well knew that someone that perfect could never love someone like me.

I lost over a stone in weight, stopped eating, unable to sleep, thought constantly of nothing and no one else, neglected my work, bored my friends.

Again all of this. Including massive weight loss following a particularly vile and traumatising rejection (the first one and when I got that he was a narc) and massive weight gain due to limerent type depression.

We both play out this ridiculous game.

Same here. But as I read on a narc website, there is only one person playing a game and it isn't him. The point being that for a narcissist it's life and not a game. Manipulation is like breathing for them. It's how they are.

Oh the chemistry is amazing, the sex like nothing I have ever experienced and time literally stands still when he looks at me.

This too.

I imagine his look to be practiced, worked out in advance, his mirroring responses, his line of romantic thought, all of it somehow cunningly affected to manipulate.

Yeah. "Mine" (not mine at all) is a super charmer. I'm sure all the other women he has on his rota are equally convinced that theirs is the best chemistry ever.

It's what he does.

I wish I could be more like him. This could be the root of my problem. I envy how unemotional he is.

Yes I think some of my behaviour has been about trying to elicit a response. I agree I could be said to be playing games. Its very dysfunctional.

I broke contact, I do this when he goes from full on fantasy of brilliant future and cottages in the country to hiding in his cave for days. I met someone else who seems entirely normal. I like him very much, we have spent quite a few dates having fun and he is lovely. However the "object" (notice here I am not certain I even like him) pops up again. He won't accept that I am not interested. He sends endless streams of texts. Within 48 hrs I am now back to checking my phone every five minutes and obsessing about how i can "manage" this irrational commitment-phobic (possibly narc) man into offering me what I really want. He will do what he always does inspire and then pull the rug, he manages my expectations, whilst my real needs and expectations go unrealised.

As well as co-dependency. I think there is a lot of mirroring behaviour happening in these types of relationships.

Certainly with my LO, I am still not that sure who was the most obsessional person, he talked in riddles, was never direct and I started to behave that way back towards him in a desperate attempt to keep him interested in me. I feel he sensed that my feelings towards him were not that real, he was obsessively interested in my marriage, perpetually asking me questions and getting sulky as I was uncomfortable about betraying my DH in this way by discussing my relationship with him, asking me who I preferred in bed. Up to that point he had told me a lot about his wife. He then started to get secretive about their relationship and attempted to make me jealous about her, like I guess he was about my DH. It was profoundly sick and weird.

It also back fired in many ways, for both him and me. As I ended up feeling empathy towards his wife, her faults that he moaned about didn't seem bad to me and really strangely I started coaching him on ways to understand her better and improve their relationship. And it also helped me to sort of realise what a difficult time she had with him, and what a flawed person he was. But it was food for my obsessional thinking about him all the same.

I've not seen the film, but I think there is something in that idea. Something about us not deserving a happy and healthy relationship, or only being good enough to exist on scraps of love and attention that someone is willing to throw us. The fear of being on our own or being inherently flawed and if we were somehow how more loveable the LO would want us.

During my counselling sessions my relationship with my Father was explored. He was quite a distant and self-absorbed man. Nothing too bad or different from most men of his generation, I suspect. But my relationship with him was largely on his terms and his needs as a person rather than a child's need for unconditional love. I feel for me that it is no surprise that my obsession occurred a short while after I became a parent myself, on a sub-conscious level I then realised that what a good parent feels is selfless, unconditional love and that was what I was missing as a child. The only rational way for me to assimilate that was to believe that I was inherently unloveable.

I started a thread about 3 years ago about my first love that I still loved and should I tell him how I feel. A couple of the responses mentioned limerance but I'm still not sure. I'm married to someone else now and I don't think about first love so often but occasionally do and still feel a love for him. I dream about him a few times a year. I always had this feeling we would end up together that we should be together. We are still friends but he lives far away. When he moved my heart broke. For months I was a mess, I missed him so much, I fantasised about telling him how I felt. Anyway when he visited I did tell him, most of that and that I will always love him, he said the same. But he went back to far away. I guess neither of us wanted to risk the lives we've got now.

I think Limerance explains why good, honest people end up in affairs.

It's an obsession that is not rational. The person knows that but still feels like this is their soulmate on another level.

I think it's the perfect storm of low self esteem, forbidden love and intense chemistry.

I think it takes longer than 3 years to break too. There's always an "unfinished" element of what if? That doesn't go away. No contact helps initially but at some point re-learning this guy is a jerk needs to happen to resolve things.

But this is where my LO comes into play - he is so insightful, watchful, caring...felt like he could read my mind and without me having to say anything, he would know when I was distressed and needed TLC when noone else would notice. His ability to read my mind freaked me out - I couldn't pull the wool over his eyes like I could with everyone else.

This! Exactly this. My LO just gets me like no one else ever has.

Oh hell I've had this. It's vile. Of course social media only makes the stalking element of limerance so much easier and, I think, helps to prolong it.

The obvious film about limerance, (thinking about it now I've read about it), is Fatal Attraction I guess

When I say it's vile, I mean it's vile being in the grips of it. And that's what it feels like, like it's got you in its grip and you have no choice. Rational decision making goes out of the window

Reading this is fascinating.

The closest I got to it was a near obsession when I was about 15. I can still remember his parents car reg number! When I look back now... and possibly a lecturer I had a thing for at uni.

But I do find it difficult to see how adults can get it to such an extent. Surely once that period of hormonal highs and lows has passed and we grow up, that tendency towards obsession also passes. Even when I've had intense infatuations with people, once they've gone, they're gone.

When you're a teenager you believe that you'll never love anyone quite like that again and it's your one chance for love and no one understands... I can understand how an adult can feel like it, but not why they would indulge it.

The distraction techniques are a good idea at the end of any relationship. I don't know, it just feels like a form of emotional self harm and a complete and utter waste of time and life.

I am aware I'm standing in my own particular glass house here and I don't want to insult/offend anyone. But I do think this is something that could be improved with a bit of number blocking and a few hobbies.

Brokenhearted55 I remember you from the dating threads. Is this man really worth this much of you? (We both know the answer...)

Is there any research on the relative distribution of limerence between the sexes ? I'm female and think I have I have been on the receiving end of it while I was at university. I honestly don't think I did anything to encourage it and I hope I could never be described as a narcissist. But all attempts to be pleasant or polite were misinterpreted. When I tried to go NC things actually got rather scary. My dad was worried about my safety.

Is there any thing I could have done differently?

WelcometotheMH - as a limerence sufferer, in answer to your question "is there anything I could have done differently?" I would say that "attempt to be pleasant or polite" are a bad idea.

As you were aware, they were misinterpreted. Limerents are constantly looking for contact/interaction with the LO and are constantly looking for signs of hope. It is inevitable that any kind of contact will be misinterpreted.

The only way to handle it if you suspect you are a limerent object (and don't want to encourage it/are not enjoying the ego boost - which some LOs do if we are brutally honest!) is to go total no contact. Stay away. And if you are forced to see them, stay cold and aloof and have no interaction -even bordering rude ("stay away from me") so there can be no doubt that you aren't interested. You can't have any "let's just be friends" stuff with a limerence sufferer!!

Brokenhearted wasn't intentionally singling you out to be unkind! Don't want to say more on this tread it wouldn't be right. I just think you deserve a decent relationship and happiness, that's all.

And, as I said, I have my own issues with disordered thinking, so certainly not being dismissive either.

I suppose when you're on the outside looking in it seems so simple and obvious.

I'm trying not to indulge or allow myself to dwell at the moment. But it's not easy. I think I am lucky that I've been spared this. It sounds awful.

Thanks. I don't think he wanted to harm me. He just got very, very creepy. Initially being flattered quickly turned into hassle. He was following me etc. Turning up where he knew I was going to be. In the end I had to very blunt (more than I was comfortable with) but thank goodness it did the trick.

I genuinely didn't want to cause him any pain but my concern for his feelings were probably being seen as a carrot (mentioned above). I felt sorry for him.

I myself was not as confident, assertive enough to simply say "LEAVE ME ALONE". The fact that my dad had to do this for me tells you were really just children in many ways.

BTW it's one of the reasons I am not on FB and never have been.