Does anyone know much about limerence or ever experienced it?

[OneOutOneIn]

It's something I've been reading about recently as I suspect I'm experiencing it with a particular evasive ex but I wonder if the truth is just to get a grip?

Holly your experience sounds so similar to what I'm going through right now (although I do know my current LO and have kissed him once).

But it started during A v bad patch with DH and now I'm at the stage that I'm not sure whether my fantasy life in my head is making my real life worse and worse. Although DH has done some very hurtful things, I'm worried that I'm not giving us a chance to recover as in my head I've already imagined a million scenarios where we split and then there is an amazing romance with my LO!

Can I ask, are you happy that you stayed with DH and do you feel now that being limerent was the main cause of your issues, or do you think the problems would have happened regardless?

It's so hard that I can be so self aware about what's happening yet completely unable to control it

Will PM you Twirly.

I should imagine limerence is cured the same way as any obsessive thought from ocd. When you catch yourself obsessing, stop looking for answers to all the scenarios. When your mind projects that been with this person will be perfect, better then your husband etc remind yourself thar this person may too snore, fart loudly and leave skid marks in the toilet. In my opinion it's caused by excitement of having to chase or longing for someone, coupled with a fantasy that this person is some how the answer to everything and will make your life radiant. In reality we are responsible for our own happiness, others do bring us joy but they aren't supposed to make us euphoric and anything obsessive is a recipe for drama.

Sometimes I still get limerant for my DP event now, usually if I miss him or if I get a bit insecure it brings back the obedside thoughts and it either goes one of two ways, closeness or me feeling anxious!! I can recognise it for what it is now though, I used to chase those feelings and equate them with love. Now I want to keep them at bay!!

I'm not sure imagining their farting, snorting tendencies would have made much difference to me - I'd have happily accepted that for what came with it .

But I do agree that being able to make the adjustment to seeing them as a human being is the best step away from limerant feelings.

In my case they were single and living relatively nearby when my episode started. When they moved overseas and subsequently started a relationship things began to simmer down and at that point I started noticing the odd personality trait that I realised I wouldn't be attracted to.

I missed the euphoria though - that was such an amazing feeling. I would say it another 18 months - 2 years after the limerant episode began to wear off to feel completely normal again, and although I've always had depression, I have also suffered from anxiety and insomnia ever since.

Well, the science of limerence is explained very well in this article from the Economist

I suppose to paraphrase it, limerence produces the same chemical highs in your brain as opioid use, cocaine use and extreme exercising does, in exactly the same area of your brain. Areas of the brain associated with romantic love, pair bonding and parenting are unaffected.

If you want to get over your LO, go for a run / exercise to activate your own endorphins. Or take coke, or herion.

Though watch out if you do hit the hard stuff, as you seem to have addictive personalities. Taking up a sport is the safest solution.

Limerence has a shelf life of 18 months to 3 years, so take heart, it's not going to last forever with this particular object - unless you go for someone else........ And someone after that etc....

Zumba calls?

Yep, I had a full blown relationship in the past. I know all his bad habits and foibles and it still does nothing to quell the limerence.

I actually know all the reasons we would never work as a couple because they're things that haven't changed since the last time we were together, but that doesn't help cure it either.

No idea. I'll tell you when/if I'm cured.

Hi there.
I'd love the views of any limerence sufferers on my question here. Thx.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2417776-Should-I-call-him-get-in-touch?

Limerance can follow a specific hormonal cycle. I've noticed.

And I'm not commenting any further. I'm no contact with these thoughts.

Jessicas

A friend of mine is in a similar position, although she has dated other blokes in between the 'main man'. She will go anything from a few weeks to several months without seeing him, sometimes deleting his number etc, but eventually call him up.

Every time he has rocked up and it's basically ended up as a glorified booty call, but she can't seem to help herself. She knows she's probably not doing the right thing as she is too embarrassed to talk about him to anyone other than me, including confiding in family members that she is extremely close to and I'm sure she would talk to about her relationships if the circumstances were different.

I think you will do yourself more harm than good by getting in touch. If he's the type that will punish you for the sake of it, he doesn't deserve you; if he's with someone else you will be very upset; if he's not with someone else and he wanted to be with you, he would have already done something about it. The only possible outcome is that you will reopen an unpleasant wound with the possible silver lining of some half decent sex to take your mind off it.

However, if what you are feeling is limerance, none of what I've written will make one iota of difference to your eventual decision.

Thanks Wyrd

She will go anything from a few weeks to several months without seeing him, sometimes deleting his number etc, but eventually call him up. Every time he has rocked up and it's basically ended up as a glorified booty call, but she can't seem to help herself.

I get this. I really do. When I said in my post it was on/off, the end stages were exactly like your friend - except that he was calling me rather than me weakening to call him.

I also totally get the "too embarrassed to discuss" with friends etc. All my friends would be horrified if I started seeing him again. I couldn't tell anyone - except maybe one v. close friend. I would have no sympathy for the eventual pain I'm sure.

Yes, that often occurs to me. Doesn't change anything though. Although my LO got a tattoo after we'd agreed to distance ourselves...and the tattoo is very significant of 'us' as a couple. And that's not me reading too much into it, I have messages from him where he compares our relationship to a particular thing and the tattoo is of this thing (apologies for vagueness). So, I cling to the thought that he still has similar feelings for me...which doesn't help, frankly. I think it might be easier if i knew for sure that he doesn't give a fuck.

LOL @brokenhearted.

Of course it "occurs to me", it's why the whole think is so f-ing painful.

He's gone on his merry way cutting a line through all the beds of all the pretty girls. I remain like a spare part on Love Island.

But she was in control though. She called him and he always came.

And he flatters her for a few hours, performs wonders in the bedroom department, then buggers off back to his 'his real life' and doesn't respond to messages or says it's all too much for him to cope with.

She then spends days/weeks wondering what she has/hasn't done, if he'll call, why he doesn't, will it ever work out, why does she still want him so much when clearly he's a complete man child after an easy lay and no commitment etc etc...until eventually the memories of the pain and aggravation last time melt away and she calls him again .

To be far, I don't think it is limerance in her case, just a huge sexual attraction and extremely poor judgement after coming out of an unsatisfying long term relationship, but there are certainly some similarities.

I think the ebbs and flows depended on who else he was fucking. I can't believe I'm devastated at losing my spot as occasional back up fuck to him

I totally get this. Honestly its like it's the same man but of course it's the pattern.

Please tell me I wasn't the only one that had to google "limerence"!

I did experience this of a short while just before I got into a relationship with my now DP. But I think because we were living together at the time 'as friends' I did not have the opportunity to miss him or become ridiculously infatuated with stalking his photos, calling him loads, etc. I feel like limerence is like some longing for something that is not with you at the moment but as I was always physically with him maybe I could not experience this fully?

I think this is a good point peonies. It's built up in our minds to be something it isn't whereas if we were with the person more then we might look at them and see their inner ugliness shining through.