Does anyone know much about limerence or ever experienced it?

[OneOutOneIn]

It's something I've been reading about recently as I suspect I'm experiencing it with a particular evasive ex but I wonder if the truth is just to get a grip?

Yes, men become obsessed too.

longsox What's your action plan to get out your life back?

Sorry, but you must know that he doesn't love you. He really doesn't.

nowadays he is very short in his txts and sometimes ignores completely

Why are you texting someone who doesn't want to talk to you?

yes, of course men become obsessed but do they suffer from limerence; it's not the same thing.

changer123 - I'm so glad you didn't get in contact to 'make amends'. Yours is a very powerful story. I don't know how to say this without sounding patronising but… well done on getting sober and turning your life around.

78910…. you poor thing. Have you spoken to anyone about it? Sought some help? You need to look after yourself now, for yours and your baby's sake. As he is her father he could force his way back into your life and I really think you should try to get some help so that you are strong enough to deal with that if it happens and also because of course you can have a normal, loving, mutual relationship with someone but you do need help to break yourself out of that pattern

disco - whatever you want to call it… yes, men experience it too.

longsox Acknowledging what is happening in your life is a big step

That's true. And I'm being really bossy, I know. But all the plotting, stalking, thinking involved in this… it takes so much time and energy. It's not a passive experience. You are capable of actively keeping yourself in this, so you must be capable of actively getting yourself out of it. It's not easy, I know. I'm not dismissing how very strongly you feel. It takes effort to free yourself and get your life back. But it's so very worth it.

I kept texting mine because when he was pursuing me, he was very full on, sending romantic messages, morning, noon and night. He told me he was in love with me. I got hooked.

He would go quiet on me, I guess I was always hoping he would start it again, he did on and off but I was always left anticipating, hoping and longing

Ahhhhhhhhh fuck after 4 days of NC , I replied with 3 messages one after the other.

Things are shit at home. It's a distraction. I am an IDIOT.

Wasp pleased with how I'd been doing & so busy at work etc

I hadn't thought about him till 10.30 am one day which is good for me.

Ffs.

Ahhhhhhhhh fuck…

Have you spoken to him about why you can't do this anymore (i.e neither of you have done anything wrong, but given the fact that things are so shit at home, you are going to start to feel dependent and see the 'chat' as a lifeline - which is counterproductive rather than supportive - so, please, if he actually cares about you can he please back right off….?

As I said before, I know I'm coming across as bossy/harsh/doom and gloom… but of course I totally get where you're coming from… so I also know what it is to perpetuate this very unhealthy situation. If you had said, yeah it's ok, I need a bit of fun but if he didn't contact me tomorrow it'd be fine, water off a duck's back…. ok… but you know this is getting dangerous…

laurierf I have previously but he believes that because it's just two people being great friends reconnecting after nearly 20 years it's all ok. That because he's 'allowed' to go online to certain chat rooms that it's a similar thing although his DF wouldn't be too pleased if she knew the content of his chat.

I've tried to explain that it's very consuming for me BUT he thinks it's just a bit of fun.

Ironically I have a life long link to where he lives now and always have had, without actually realising that was where he lived. Having never bumped into him in all the times visiting there, since he got back in touch early last year I've only visited the area once (very unusual for me) through fear of bumping into him. DH finds this rather weird. We were supposed to go through again this weekend but have made excuses not to go again.

I know LO wouldn't make arrangements to see me nor purposefully TRY to bump into us but in the summer time there are only so many places to go with kids the same age in this part of the world and knowing my luck that's what would happen LOL

Great thread! So sorry to hear so many people are suffering. To those who are describing this illness as a crush, thank your lucky stars you have never been limerent . It is a living hell. I have been in this awful place for 18 months now. It's NOT love. I don't even LIKE this person.

I would describe my limerence as a complete inability to control my thoughts about my ex. He has become the back drop of my life. I think about him quite literally all the time. If I realise I have been awake for 10 mins in the morning and not thought about him yet then that's an achievement for me.

I , too, agree that the ambiguity/ push-pull of the "relationship" really fans the flames of limerence . For me personally, I also feel it is deeply rooted in my addictive personality type. I am an ex cocaine addict and I had never experienced limerence before I got clean . It's a form of escapism and a way of avoiding reality. I also believe that it can be the result of surpressed childhood trauma and insecure/unstable attachment figures in early life.

The thoughts of him invade my brain no matter what I do. He is on my mind ALL the time . I am no contact and have been for months. I don't Facebook stalk . Ironically I am training to be a counsellor and as part of that training I have been in Psychodynamic counselling myself for a year and the counselling has helped me in all areas of my life apart from this one. Very few mental health professionals appear to have heard of it. I'm thinking of trying CBT next although I really can't afford because I just can't take it anymore. Essentially I'm "over" this person. I have grieved the end of the relationship but I cannot stop my brain going over and over it all like a broken record. I'm deeply ashamed of my limerence. It makes me feel like I'm crazy and that I'm somehow a "weak" person. How can I not control my own thoughts ? How can I be so aware of how ridiculous this obsession is but not be able to put a stop to it ?

I have searched the Internet far and wide and have really not seen anyone with a cure for limerence. You just have to go no contact and sit tight and wait for it to burn itself out I think ? I also believe, whilst you're in no contact, it's a good time to work on yourself and work on your underlying issues. It may not cure your limerence but it minimises the chances of you transferring it onto another new relationship and repeating the same script.

I'm so sorry you're going through such an awful time broken. Your pain is palpable. It's all very fresh for you still and you've really only just come off the merry- go-round of the highs and lows . I went through a severe stage of anxiety too when it dawned on me my LO was finally done toying with me. We were always on and off but I could cope with the "offs"when I knew at some point there would be another "on". He casually moved on to his next victim like I was nothing . I embarrassed and humilated myself all those times by crawling back to him and ultimately got dumped anyway. Now a bit of time has passed that awful gut wrenching feeling has moved into a dull persistent ache. I've really learned not to look on Facebook at what he's doing. It's only ever going to hurt me. I really wish there was a cure for this. It's no life . I'm no better off than when I was using cocaine ... It just looks tidier from the outside !

I have really learnt from all of your insight on this thread. Thank you everyone for your honesty about these horrible feelings, it has really helped me.
I have felt a lot of shame about my limerent feelings ( I have had a whole series of LOs) but this thread has helped me realise that limerence for me is an expression of anxiety, an escape from current difficulties and probably yet another side effect of a shit childhood, which having my own kids is really forcing me to confront.
From reading on here I realise I had my first LO aged 8 when I had 'love at first sight' with another kid I did not at all know and saw very very rarely. I pined for that kid for years. I used to literally fantasise about contracting a fatal illness so I could ask my parents 'as my last wish' to ask his parents to bring him to the hospital to say goodbye to me. Needless to say I desperately avoided him on the odd years when our families met up and i never probably spoke to him till my late teens. (He was so not worth the years of angst )
All this underlines that limerence, for me anyway, was/is not much to do with love or sex although there is quite a lot of romantic bullshit I have managed to dress it up in over the course of my life.
It is all about obsessive escape and avoidance, feelings of powerlessness, self doubt, low self esteem etc.
I have a LO at the moment I am trying to force out of my head space but it's really hard to do even though he is so so not worth the time I spend stressing over him in painful secrecy. I've never told anyone IRL what I have just written and it looks so pathetic.

Lim, that's a great post. Thank you. Feeling it aged 8, when it's so clearly not about "love" or sex… it's an incredibly helpful thing to add to the thread, as is the fantasising about being in a desperate (and irresolvable - i.e. fatal) situation just to get some form of meaningful contact.

there is quite a lot of romantic bullshit I have managed to dress it up in over the course of my life

and that's really the issue isn't it… that's what we've all done/are doing? There is a real problem going on, so we dress it with "love" and "romance" to avoid it. And also, the LO is very, very, very rarely "an innocent" in all this (and I say that as someone who has been the LO). The players are the players and we've all fallen for it. But the "nice" ones are just as dangerous. If they really care about you, and you explain to them why you need them to back off for your wellbeing and they won't… what does that tell you about them? How much do they really care about your wellbeing?

Seahorse - I hope you find someone who can help you. It does seem quite astonishing that you can be training to be a counsellor, and going through all the personal counselling that requires, and still not be finding people who 'get' it. Do keep us updated (if you feel like it's of benefit to you of course)!

Thank you OP for this eye-opener of a thread.

A bit about me: I'm married, well educated, 45yo with a v good job, nice family and friends/home etc. I'm attractive, slimish yada yada

I've been involved via long distance with an emotionally unavailable man on and off for the best part of 14 fourteen!! years. Dear god.

At various times he has literally brought me to my knees, at risk of losing my home, job, family... The relationship sucked away my self-respect, dignity and mental health. He got so deep under my skin that he was a god to me. How FUCKED UP is that????? All he had to do was click his fingers and I was there absolutely gagging for him. I can't take my eyes off him when he's around. The sex is indescribable.
Over time, we've met each other's family/friends - almost run away together. But I will not leave my children, and anyway, he always vanishes and goes silent when it all gets too real.

I feel sick typing this.

I saw him again last week after a 2.5 year break.

Same story. Within minutes I was weak at the knees. I abandoned my life and took off for a few days of distorted reality, and it was utter heaven. No one ever made me feel like that.

Then he left, having had his ego and body very well massaged - and Pouff!! he vanishes again... Minimal contact. "we have to take it easy baby - but I never want to lose you".

Bullshit.

TRUTH: he'd just broken up with someone, was feeling a bit shit about it all and picked me to be the fool that would kiss him better.

I've spent a few days reading this thread, reading about limerence which I'd not heard of before.

Reading about narcissistic men and how to escape them.

This morning I blocked, wiped and deleted 90% of his means of contact. I'll do the rest later today. I have never done this before because I'm an idiot
My god do I feel stupid and ashamed.

Thank you OP. I'm getting rid of Golden Balls for now and forever.

Good luck to everyone else suffering in limerence - it's a bad spell that I'm determined to break

Just skim read this and have had this... most notably with an ex who was Scarlet Pimpernel in character (very evasive) which just fuelled his behaviour and my responses. I had CBT counselling not for him but it gradually encompassed dealing with him...

strangely enough I also had an underactive thyroid (now treated) and hormone stuff and now I don't get so 'obsessed', I just detatch more easily. I'm sure the CBT helped though.

Laurierf your posts are v articulate and helpful on here so thanks.

As byalake suggested upthread, I am coming to realise that my limerent feelings have more in common with an OCD/obsessional type of reaction to various vulnerabilities and anxieties I have, rather than anything 'romantic' or sexual which has helped me out of the obsessive thinking. (for a few hours at a time anyway!)

I can see now that I often try to avoid my problems by fantasising about 'an ideal' person and relationship (eg with the LO of the moment) who if they only liked me or wanted to be with me, or if only we could be together, then everything would be great.

I think it's all about feelings of a lack of my own agency and power, wanting to be 'rescued' and 'totally understood' by the LO (I know- cringe!)

i am pissed off with myself for internalising unhealthy, crappily gendered narratives about relationships which have always helped me reframe limerence as 'love'. (And always grandiosely unstoppable 'fated' love ).

In my mind, being with the LO is the answer to everything. I have previously been happy to chuck away so many of my real, flawed relationships and so much of my day to day life to be with the next LO, as of course in my head we are about to swan off together into some perfect fantasy life that is 'meant to be'. It's ridiculous, has obviously hurt a lot of my exes, self-destructive and of course has never ended happily.

Fortunately, being lucky enough have kids and a DH now and not wanting my kids to suffer through my own shit choices has stopped me following through with limerent feelings, but if my kids weren't here I have no doubt I would have continued the previous pattern and moved on from my DH to be with the next LO as soon as things started to get tough in our marriage. (Which is a relationship like any other between two people with its ups and downs- he is a lovely person but obviously we have differences from time to time and I am just very scared of opening up what could be there in his feelings about me when things are hard.)

So It's a revelation to realise that limerent feelings should actually be read as an alarm bell about my emotional health, kind of like a 'relapse'. I will keep reminding myself that limerence is NOT love, and for me not even really about the LO a lot of the time. (I've never needed to particularly 'know' the LO to have these feelings 'for' them.)
So instead I am trying to find a way to work on myself etc at the moment. This thread has been a great help so thanks.

After not hearing from my LO for well over a week, I got a text when he realised I'd blocked him on whatsapp this morning.

I held out for a whole 7 hours before replying.

Go me.

*bangs head repeatedly off wall

I am pathetic.