Does anyone know much about limerence or ever experienced it?

[OneOutOneIn]

It's something I've been reading about recently as I suspect I'm experiencing it with a particular evasive ex but I wonder if the truth is just to get a grip?

Wild - are you going to tell him the rules? "Looking disinterested when he comes to talk to me"… this doesn't sound solid enough. You need to tell him not to talk to you about anything other than work. You need to make your wishes clear. If not, he'll think it's all part of the game (punishing him for not saying goodbye to you on Friday etc. etc.) and work all the harder to impose himself on your life and it's pretty hard to tell your boss to fuck off in the office with other people around without it screwing with you. Tell him that you only want to have work-related communication from here on, that you do not want any personal questioning from him, or any unnecessary communication under the guise of "work." Tell him - via email so you have a record - and make that the last non-work related communication you ever have. Do not respond to any non-work related communication. Do not initiate any. You need the record anyway - to remind him and yourself what's been said and, to be honest, in case he does something crazy and tries to totally fuck up your current job/future prospects. Take care of yourself.

I cannot believe how much of my life over the past year has been described over the past 18 pages!!

Happily married for 10yrs to wonderful man, 3 DCs and last year BOOM, in drops a message from my ex when I was a teen. I feel like have been caught in a Dorothy-esq whirlwind every since to the detriment of my actual self, my time with DH, my time at work (and I run my own business so can't afford to faff) and am still sitting here watching my phone in case he sends a message. Even though he's away with his very lovely DW and their two DCs.

The day he told me he married the very next girl I thought I was going to throw up on my lap and was inconsolable for hours. Thank goodness I AM the boss and could excuse myself.

I just sit here thinking WTAF and now at least I have a name for this.

Block his number and email choco. Take your life back and stop looking at your phone and inbox… there's no wondering if a message is going to arrive if it can't possibly arrive because you've blocked him. You have a wonderful man and your DCs, you run your own business, you have a life… please live it to the full and stop this madness dead in its tracks. Right now.

I had exactly the same choco married ten years two lovely children ...your post is exactly how I felt word for word when an ex got in touch .. my advice would be stop.it in its tracks right now ..and if you can't do it on your own get help .

Okay, yes. You're both right. Thank you. The conversations we've had were very intense and have answered a lot of questions and filled in the 20yrs since we parted company.

I've always kept in touch with his SIL as we were very close but never asked her about him etc I knew he was on FB but never contacted him, he finally sent me a message out the blue last year stating it was just 'time' to get back in touch and nothing had prompted it.

Turns out he's been married ever since. Steady job. DCs Happy with wife/life etc but lives a secret life on flickr/yahoo as he has certain tastes his wife doesn't seem to entertain. Apparently he believes this is the reason we split up as he was too frightened to tell me about these. I have to gently remind him I moved away to Uni to get away from a toxic family and to breath having been with him from a very young age.

Have deleted his mobile number and all the threads on yahoo messenger. He's still on FB but I don't think he'd use that for personal messages or am I just making excuses again

Please don't get me wrong, I would never meet with him. I haven't even spoken to him. Just messages. But the euphoria after he sends a message is matched only by the foul moods when he hasn't ffs

Please don't get me wrong, I would never meet with him. I haven't even spoken to him. Just messages. But the euphoria after he sends a message is matched only by the foul moods when he hasn't ffs

It's ok. You can totally pull this one back from the brink and get your life with your lovely husband and DC back on track.

Happy with wife/life etc but lives a secret life on flickr/yahoo as he has certain tastes his wife doesn't seem to entertain. Apparently he believes this is the reason we split up as he was too frightened to tell me about these

His poor wife and DC

But they are not the reason you need to BLOCK him on messenger, phone, email, FB (not just delete)… you need to do this for your sake… yours and your family's. The fact that he's getting in touch to tell you that he's happy but is living a secret life on social media is a HUGE red flag that he's getting in touch to fuck up your life. DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN.

. 'But the euphoria after he sends a message is matched only by the foul moods when he hasn't ffs'

Yes exactly!! your mood is dictated by his contact or non contact ..I was the same. ...its been a hellish 3 years of this for me ..I agree with what's been said already nc made me spiral.into depression.
kaneda ' post is so helpful ..I couldn't cope with rejection I'm now in counselling unravelling my childhood experiences and trying to.make sense of it all.
Another poster said limerence last about 4 years and this matches my experience I'm still in contact but I'm seeing sides of him that I ignored before.that aren't that appealing ...choco back off now while you can don't kid yourself about fb ..your just keeping the door open for him ..block block block

It was also a fantasy a form of escape an avoidance of troublesome issues that needed facing up.to in rl

And everything that laurierf has said is right ..follow every bit of that advice ...

Everyone's story will be different but it all boils down to the same thing don't let this man in.

sensible I can feel myself slipping back down the horrible depression slope and it IS all about not coping with rejection. A very common theme if you look at my life all stemming from being given up for adoption at birth. I'm not sitting claiming 'oh woe is me' because I was adopted by lovely people. It was just rather toxic in places. Both my parents have passed now, one very recently and he was a huge support during that time when I found myself on my own dealing with it for months last year. I always have an overwhelming sense of obligation and need for approval which is utterly ridiculous.

laurie - his DW knows about it and seems to be ok with him living out his fantasy in private. Whether or not she's involved I'm not sure, I get told various versions. He hardly mentions his DC, who are coincidently similar ages to mine.

A few weeks ago there was a possibility of him being near where I live due to his work. I told him in no uncertain terms it was unacceptable for him to be anywhere near me. He just laughed.

I need to grow a pair and block. I know

Absolute fantasy form of escaping a really REALLY shitty year. No excuses but it was like having my own private sounding board with a shared history. All of a sudden reliving the excitement of being 18years old and not just knackered wife/boss/mum.

I am a veritable walking MLC and yet I know for a fact if I bumped into him in RL I'd be reminded of every single reason I split up with him. He isn't a patch on DH.

I had no idea until. I started seeing a counsellor and reading around the subject how much my childhood experiences affected my adult life and relationships . I had no idea how depressed I was until I reflected back objectively The limerence I have experienced over the last 4 years has been hell yes I had feelings of euphoria, love, happiness ..equalled by guilt, shame pain and time off work with made up illnesses I could n't get out of bed ...
All apparently over this silly sad lonely fucked up man who loved the attention he was getting from me.

If only I had sought counselling to better understand myself ..and to.help.me cope with the stress and strains of daily life before this silly man started seducing me with his flattering words .....

You cannot believe a word this man says.

You rejected him all those years ago. You know that. You told him that. He's full of shit. I'm sure his wife is totally on board with everything

Your feelings about needing approval and fear of rejection are not ridiculous. Of course they're not. They are real, completely understandable, and need addressing so you can live a happy life. Any further contact with him is just stringing it out and achieving nothing but making it worse. BLOCK HIM NOW. Then get some support - you've been through so much. Of course you need support… from someone who's not already fucked up themselves and whose only interest is to help you. Make an appointment tomorrow. Start getting your life back first thing.

I think it's about time I started looking into that too. I always felt it was a tad self indulgent as a reasonably sensible mother of 3 however it's been one thing after another after another for 13yrs now and even I can admit I'm done. If I'm prepared to act like such a fool over a man that was important to me >20yrs ago then something has to change.

The problem with online chatting is one can start to believe you've got Clint Eastwood on the line and he's about to ride into town and rescue you from your tough shitty world ...sorry to be light hearted.
I knew all this , I'm actually quite cynical about men but this one still got me hook& line ...but like I've already said and so many other have articulated beautifully on this wonderful thread it's a symptom of other issues and a time to address them or at least start to figure them out ...

Block the tit big time choco

laurie I think I might record your straight talking and just flip that up on my screen about 20 times a day!

sensible - that's exactly it, EXACTLY! Except mine would turn up wearing fishnets, a wig and high heels LOL Am so pleased you're seeing the other side of this and thank you for helping me too.

I was beginning to think I was loosing my pathetic midlife mind. At least I know it's an actual 'thing' am not quite so embarrassed.

If you met up with him in person, you'd be hugely disappointed in the first instance, then end up talking yourself into 'wanting' him. Look how many of us have said 'he's not my type, I don't like him, he's unattractive etc. etc" and still gone ahead and pressed the self-destruct button.

At least I know it's an actual 'thing' am not quite so embarrassed

Definitely NO need to feel embarrassed. You have held your shit together far better than most of us. You can totally get out of this now with your life in tact if you take action NOW.

Laurierf is better at explaining it all than I am but it's so good to share ..and really helps me ....
Good luck in your endeavours to getting support ..I think it's such a worthwhile thing to do

Sensible, choco - you've been very helpful to me. I was in a very LTR with a very lovely man from a young age and it was totally my decision to split and he was devastated (as was I). We tried to be 'friends' but it was inevitably very messy and he - very wisely - went NC with me whilst I threw myself into this stupid obsession in order to avoid dealing with the grief. I know through the grapevine that he's married. I am very happily married. So occasionally I think 'should I make contact now we're both very safely through the other side? We were together for such a long time, through such major landmarks in life and it seems such a shame to never speak again..." Er… no. I need to keep my nose out of his business and not risk any chance of making his or his wife's life uncomfortable (it would be wholly platonic from my perspective), and deal with the consequences of not knowing whether we could ever have built a lifelong friendship because I went crazy over some guy way, way too soon after our breakup and lovely ex very wisely went NC with me. Good for him. If you really give a shit about your ex, you don't go digging...

To the poster who said this :'This thread reads like one of my teenage diaries!' Andwhatofit how lucky you are to live in a cosy narrow perfect world which makes you think you are qualified to judge others.
So glad I don't know you in rl.

laurierf I'm just grateful when I went through all this initially things like mobile phones & FB didn't exist or I think it wouldn't been horrific. Moving >100 miles away and enjoying Uni life without a suffocating long term boyfriend and toxic parents was rather liberating. He has admitted he's only contacted me as he knows it's 'safe' because we're both married I find that a tad presumptuous on his part but hey ho, I was also daft enough to be flattered

My DH knows he made contact. His DW knows he made contact. I now use the excuse that it would look 'weird' to block him on FB. Baby steps but I'll get there and fessed up on here I WILL be looking into some counselling.

Laurierf I think that when I relationship. Has been so intense and deep and significant in your life you can never just be friends, this sad is but true and is a measure of how important that relationship is/was ..never ever go back some would say . Some things just need to be left alone or left unsaid or something , you have to mourn for relationship when it's over ( i don't think I ever properly did this I just buried the hurt but it keeps coming back to bite me in ways I hadn't realised ) I am hoping my counselling will help me and certainly looking forward to the future now .

But the euphoria after he sends a message is matched only by the foul moods when he hasn't ffs

I know how this feels. All my days and nights were consumed with obsessively checking my phone

Has been so intense and deep and significant in your life you can never just be friends

I did wonder if I could be friends with my LO, I want to be friends with him, to know what is happening in his life. I know the answer is to leave things alone but I can't help wondering....

Look how many of us have said 'he's not my type, I don't like him, he's unattractive etc. etc" and still gone ahead and pressed the self-destruct button

I could make a whole list of why he is not my kind of guy!! The total opposite of what I actually want in a man. Loser doesn't even have a job. Unfaithful, liar, manipulative - I still want to be in his life though