Does anyone know much about limerence or ever experienced it?

[OneOutOneIn]

It's something I've been reading about recently as I suspect I'm experiencing it with a particular evasive ex but I wonder if the truth is just to get a grip?

I read that book 'of love and limerence' I think it's called (?) anyway I found it illuminating, iirc she says some people are not prone to being limerent and so just don't get why those who are behave like such utter loons when in the grip of it

I see it as akin to addiction, dopamine high, that kind of thing. ?

Saying it all sounds like teenage diaries is particularly nasty because anyone who suffers from limerance realises that (a) it is a reaction that is abnormal and (b) spends a massive amount of time berating themselves mentally for that reaction. Most of us have a mental refrain that is constant that goes "why aren't I over this? why can't I move on? he so nasty/vile/hurtful to me? what's wrong with me?". It's only when you realise that you not alone and it is a recognised form of abnormal mental reaction to a situation, that you start to realise you are not completely having a mental break down. In some cases, limerence is so severe that lack of contact/reciprocation can cause reactive depression.

"Teenage diaries" is like saying to someone who suffers from depression "for fuck's sake, snap out of it and pull yourself together." Or to someone who is paralysed "why can't you walk? if you tried harder you could stand up."

Fine, you don't get it. But there is no need to be insensitive and cruel about it.

I see it as akin to addiction, dopamine high,

it is I think and it also involves self-loathing in the way that substance addiction does. Because it's not "lovesick teenage romance" when it's ruining your life.

My personal experience of being involved in the obsessive gameplay thankfully turned out to be a minor blip in the grand scheme of things and actually a huge learning experience. However, whilst it was deeply unpleasant being the LO of a man for whom I'd never felt even the slightest romantic connection whatsoever, I feel sorry for him. He told his (separated) wife and adult dc about me apparently, talking as if we were in a romantic relationship. Every time I told him to leave me alone and ignored his communications, it was interpreted as me "playing hard to get" or "being moody" and punishing him because he's said x, y, z… I had zero romantic feelings for this person and never had done. We were never in a romantic relationship and I'd not even noticed that he'd said x, y, z, let alone been annoyed with him about it. It was madness. At the time people encouraged me to get angry and take action against his harassment, which was the right thing to do. But once it was over and I felt safe and relieved, I could then feel sorry for him - not that I would ever, ever allow contact with him or ever tell him that no matter how much time passes.

I had a truly terrible experience of this that almost wrecked my life (and a few other lives, too).

Two of the factors mentioned above - a LO who blows hot/cold keeping the flames of hope alive and 'possibly some kind of background issue/trauma that the sufferer doesn't want to face and so can throw themselves into the limerent obsession to avoid it' - ring VERY true for me.

I don't think I had particularly low self esteem, though (until the whole thing got out of control and damaged my sense of identity...although am working on that).

I think the latter, in particular (a background issue I wanted to avoid) was key for me. I was unable to face up to the terrible stress I was under in my life and the limerance - or the 'relationship' I had with this man - started out as a form of escapism. I could dream and fantasise and obsess about him instead of dealing with the serious issues I was facing.

Unfortunately, it spiralled into a terribly destructive and addictive behaviour that really damaged me and caused chaos in my life. Even now, when I am feeling a lot stronger (have had psychotherapy for a while and cut contact with the guy), I am aware that when I feel stressed, I automatically think of him. Its like my brain clings to the fantasy/obssessive thinking/daydreaming in order to cope with stress. I can observe myself doing this now and talk myself down from getting lost in it, but it still a deeply strange and disturbing thing to have going on inside your head.

I think if depression is the result of abnormally intense thoughts and feelings about an unavailable love-object to the extent you describe broken then perhaps it really is time to do something about that, because it is within your capability to get over this man.

I don't mean to minimise the effects of this state of mind but it doesn't need to be a permanent state - the right help is out there if you choose to take it up

Okay, was thinking this over. In terms of other self-destructive obsessional "illnesses"........

anorexia...literally starving yourself to death
ocd.......ruining your life with obsessions that are nonsense
self-harming.....cutting yourself

All of them have a common thread I suppose of "diversion". You become obsessed with THAT to avoid facing something else. You feel a false belief that if you can control THAT you are in control and everything will be fine.

I look back on something pretty awful that I went through, and everyone said to me it was amazing how I picked myself up. But honestly, I don't think I did. I think I just dissacoiated from it. I hardly remember it. It feels like it happenned to someone else. I blocked it out, locked it down and never let myself think about it.

However, when my LO back then would blwo cold on me, it would instantly bring me flashbacks (very painful) from the last thing I was avoiding. I felt an absolute compulsion that if I could fix THIS situation then somehow I would be "ok". That is would all be "ok".

Deep down although I walked away from LO and don't even think about the dick anymore...I most definitely DO flit from relationship to relationship, investing all my sense of self worth in that person's opinion of me to some degree for sure. I also cannot NOT be in a relationship. I always am. I always have numerous men after me as well (which I allow to continue) and I wonder if I am not just desperate to be loved...as if this cures me or heals me.

But that said...if I am desperate to be loved...why choose the LO? Plenty of people would have willingly loved me (I have dumped far better men) so really there is something saying I need THIS PARTICULAR man to love me.

And what is so special about him? The fact that he does not WANT to love me back, the fact that he makes me feel not good enough, the fact that he SHOULD love me, but doesn't.

And I read that paragraph above and it reminds me of how I feel about my Dad. And I know this is getting very Freud...but my God...I feel like all of this does deep down stem from childhood and that even the trauma I went through in adulthood was one I could not perhaps bounce back from healthily because I deep down don't feel like I am ok. Good enough. Loveable.

Byalake

But that said...if I am desperate to be loved...why choose the LO?

Probably because although you think you are desperate to be loved,you aren't really.

Real love involves exposing yourself to real hurt and real rejection. An easy way to avoid that (at the same time as pretending to yourself that you have the drama and fun of an actual love interest) is to engage in someone who can never be yours. Whether that is a married or commited man who you know will never leave, a narcissistic psychopath who can never love you back or a limerent obsessional object (not that any of these are mutually exclusive) they are all ideal for the person too scared to face up to love.

It's a shocking irony - that "choosing" to fall in love with an unavailable person or becoming limerent about them - whilst apparently causing you massive pain - is actually a self- protection mechanism. You don't have to face up to someone rejecting you for real - because rejection was built in from the start.

I registered for this site solely in order to try and find an answer to what I am currently experiencing. I didn't even know it had a name but now that I do, Limerence be damned.

I am a man in my fifties, in what I considered was a happy relationship and then, BANG, I meet a woman in my former job. I don't need to go into further detail, as my emotions only duplicate what others have posted. There has been no physical contact, but we are in constant communication and to say that this is an all-consuming condition is something of an understatement. I know I should cease all future contact, but I don't want to and don't think that I could.

Is there a shelf life for this affliction? The one consolation I can take from this thread is that I am not suffering in isolation and my humble thanks for that!

this is the book to read
www.amazon.co.uk/372/dp/0812862864/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1436598524&sr=8-1&keywords=of+love+and+limerence

limerence.net/blog1/33-mid-life-crises-and-mid-life-transitions.html

Interesting stuff here. The more I think about my past and ongoing self-development and reading through what other limerance sufferers have posted here, it seems increasingly clear that you absolutely cannot fix limerance by confronting it head-on. Am now thinking that going NC with LO is more of a papering-over-the-cracks exercise than a real solution. It may be a necessary step, but that's all it is - one step on a long path to "self-actualisation".

SelfLoathing

Absolutely. That is the core problem, I think, for limerance, as well as other unhealthy ways of dealing with anxiety. The avoidance techniques we develop in childhood and early adulthood to deal with anxiety, fear and rejection become part of the problem. They end up perpetuating the hurt rather than protecting us from it. To grow as individuals, we have to let go of those failing methods of self-protection. That means allowing our inner emotional selves to come to the fore. The feelings and situations we are avoiding are the exact feelings and situations we need to grow as people.

To become strong, we must first allow ourselves to be vulnerable. To cope with rejection, we have to allow ourselves to be rejected. The trick to non-limerant relationships is to limit ourselves to those who will actively reject us if they don't want to be with us. And if they reject us, accept the normality of the rejection and the normality of our feelings of hurt and disappointment. Everyone gets rejected at some point in their life. It's what's supposed to happen to us, as it's a fundamental and necessary part of being human.

As an addendum, I think most, if not all, of the "normal" relationships I've had in the past fall into the same pattern of avoidance of rejection. I didn't become limerant because I didn't have to - instead I developed patterns of behaviour in the relationship that limited my DPs' likelihood of rejecting me. I hid the real me away, preventing my DPs from being able to reject that part of me.

byalake - the was a very honest and insightful post. Can you see why I said some of the things I did to you on your 'should I forget him?' thread?

Laurierf yes!!!! I see what you mean that it had the potential for sure to go in that direction....I see I have a tendency towards limerance and all I need is a man who blow hot and cold to come along and I'd be back down the rabbit hole. If I'd gotten involved with him it would be a mistake.

Reading this thread has been so therapeutic for me.

I remember that feeling so well and never want it back.

The man I am seeing is quite lovely...not at all in danger of being hot and cold and for whatever reason his stability and simplicity and....wel..."goodness" was repelling me.

The man I am seeing is quite lovely...not at all in danger of being hot and cold and for whatever reason his stability and simplicity and....wel..."goodness" was repelling me

Who knows if lovely new guy is going to be great - I'm certainly no expert on this subject matter. But your post was insightful, honest and wise, so - to this amateur - I take hope from the fact you are starting to think why you are vulnerable to "limerence", rather than thinking "right, that was awful, and I'll never let myself go though that again" without self-reflection of what makes you vulnerable to it.

New date sounds like a good guy for 2 reasons: 1) he wants to go "exclusive" after sex and a few dates without going crazy on you and 2) you've not had crazy intensive talks about "feelings" way too soon. That is a GOOD THING. If he were acting "head over heels" at this early stage I'd be more worried. As long as he treats you with respect, then all is good.

You mustn't let your "limerence" experience turn you into a cynic who never trusts anyone… but you must be aware of where you're coming from, what the boundaries need to be, what your red flags are, and take power from that… never think you need to make someone "want" you. Don't sell yourself and anyone else who decides they love you short by "settling" but do be aware that the good ones come without drama

I'm so glad the OP posted this thread as I had no idea until now that my boss and I are both 'in limerence' with each other to escape our bad marriages. I was beginning to think I was in love with him, but after reading this thread, I've now realised I'm not!

The relationship is crazy, intense and passionate and we can't leave each other alone. He recently ended our year long affair as he said it made him feel guilty and was worried that people might find out at work. He then took time off work due to stress but a few weeks after returning to work the relationship was back on and was more intense than ever.

He says he wants to be with me but can't. He keeps coming in my office to ask me if I'm okay. He is obsessed with me and I am obsessed with him. I think of him every waking hour and even dream about him. I'm deverstated every time he ends it, but when we spend time together alone or he pays me a compliment I'm ecstatic.

We've tried to push each other away but can't because we both need each other. I hate this obsession and want to end it. I'm looking for another job but can't find one. I want to get away from this crazy situation. I had an argument with him last week and he left the office on Friday without saying goodbye to me which upset me deeply. I'm ashamed to admit that I've spend most of the weekend plotting my revenge - he hurt me, so I want to hurt him back. I know I shouldn't be thinking like this but I can't help myself. We're both game playing and it's unbearable.

I don't know why I am doing this other that I'm going through divorce and have recently suffered two close family bereavements. I don't know much about his situation other than he's desperately unhappily married but doesn't want to leave because of the children.

We are both in bad marriages and both suffered childhood trauma - we also have obsessive personalities so perhaps this is why we are in limerence, I don't know. All I know is that I'm in a destructive relationship and I want it to end.

Wild - it's obviously much harder when you work together because you can't do what absolutely needs to be done and that is going completely NC. But if you really want out of this nightmare, then you have to work at this. All that energy you've spent plotting your revenge… STOP wasting that energy and start directing it towards breaking yourself out of this destructive situation and getting your life back.

Whilst you continue to look for a new job, put the rules in place: no communication that is not strictly work-related. No more 'are you okay?' etc. All that stops NOW. Are you compelled to have one-to-one time at work or can you shut that down and only be together with other people in the room? Delete all communication between you - don't hang on to old emails and texts or any items he's given you or you associate with him.

I don't know much about his situation

What? Why not? You had a year-long "intense" relationship with this person.

he's desperately unhappily married but doesn't want to leave because of the children

So because he's "desperately unhappy" he's making you, his wife and his children suffer too. If he really cares about you, he will leave you the fuck alone from now on. You must learn to care about yourself and leave him the fuck alone too. I'm not going to go down the route of pointing out your role in the suffering of his wife and children - you must have known that all along and it hasn't helped you break away so you must focus on your survival and getting your life back because what you are going through now is not life, it's self-imposed torture.

If he will not withdraw from the game as you're going to do, then you will have to smash the game to bits by reporting his behaviour.

I'm really sorry to hear you've suffered two close bereavements and are going through a divorce. That sounds extremely hard and you will not be able to go through the proper grieving process that follows death and divorce whilst you are wasting your life thinking about the fact that he didn't say goodbye to you on Friday. You cannot avoid this grief forever. All you are doing is prolonging it. You need to see your GP and ask for help.

Laurief, you're right that planning my revenge is a waste of energy, and after reading this thread and other stuff on the internet about limerence, I have decided that the best thing I can do is forget him and move on. I have deleted all his texts and will do my best to ignore him until I get another job.

The reason I don't know much about his situation is because he never tells me anything, other than his wife left three years ago because she had an affair with his brother, but later came back. I don't want to make his wife and children suffer, I think they are doing a good job of that themselves. All I want is for him to leave me alone so I can get on with my life.

The strange think is he's not my usual type and if I wasn't in such a vulnerable position I know I would never have fallen for him. Of course I now realise that the affair was wrong on all levels so I am going to put a stop to it once and for all.

The bereavements were hard but I am over the worst now as they happened two years ago. For now, I just have to get through my divorce and stay strong.

Good for you Wild. Going NC is tough to enforce at first. Doing it whilst you work together… this is going to be hard. Be prepared.

What is your action plan for getting him to leave you alone at work? You have to spell it out to him. He is not to come into your office and ask you any personal questions or communicate with you about anything other than work. You both need to move on and there is no way that can happen unless you close off all personal communication - not even a "you okay?'. I would be astonished if doesn't try to break the rules and you are also going to feel tempted to do so, so you have got to be very strong. Write the rules down. Make it clear to both of you what needs to happen here. Every time you want to break the rules and make personal contact, promise yourself now that you will come back and read this thread before you do it.

Laurie, funnily enough I've already written a list of things to do, including avoiding eye contact, looking disinterested when he comes to talk to me, and avoiding talking about anything other than work etc. That said, there have been times when he has been a welcome distraction from all the other shit that is going on in my life, but I know that if I'm to stay strong, I have to avoid him. The trouble is he can be very kind and caring and that is one of the reasons I fell for him. That said, he can also be offish and aloof which I find very upsetting. I know this can't go on so I will tell him to "fuck off" in no uncertain terms if he asks me out again. Thank you.

The trouble is he can be very kind and caring and that is one of the reasons I fell for him. That said, he can also be offish and aloof which I find very upsetting

Yes, it's absolutely classic mindfuck behaviour.

Good luck. Stay strong. Come back to this thread or even start a new one of your own if you need support.