Does anyone know much about limerence or ever experienced it?

[OneOutOneIn]

It's something I've been reading about recently as I suspect I'm experiencing it with a particular evasive ex but I wonder if the truth is just to get a grip?

I was directed to the thread by Laurierf who thinks I might be headed towards limerence with a current situation. I'm not in limerence right now (feeling quite take it or leave it) but can see her point.

However, reading all sixteen pages this is DEFINITELY something I experienced and it was absolutely awful.

It happenned after a major LTR (engagement actually) ended and my self esteem was in tatters and I was deeply agrieved.

This man came along and was absolutely nothing I would usually find attractive (bit chavvy, stupid, short, ugly looking, bad dresser) and for a month he persued me heavily and I think I became addicted to that and it took my mind off thins I didn't want to think about.

As soon as he had me "hooked", he changed completely. Hot / cold began. Contradictary actions. If I tried to walk away he would cry and tell me he loved me but he didn't act like it. He told me it was all my fault and I believed him. He did bizarre things like blocking me on social media and denying it and he left my head totally fucked. I could not figure it out...if he did not like me...why was he always chasing me?

It took me four months of that to finally say "fuck off", and I blocked him on everything and never spoke to him or saw him again.

I think it was a combination of him catching me at my lowest and also this being his "way". He openly admitted he only wanted me when he could not have me and he has not been in a relationship for years. there's something deeply wrong with the guy which I don't understand.

Someone upthread said the obsession allows you to focus on something and ignore other things that you can't face. I agree with that! It's like ocd on that front. I was totally obsessed (checking his login times, trying to create fake FB accounts to spy on him!) total nutter behavior and never did anything like that before.

I am not sure my self esteem has healed yet from my broken engagement (was treated appallingly) and my ticker / assessment of what is or isn't okay behavior is definitely off but more than that I did say to my coucnellor a while back that in my fiance's case I thought he was amazing, perfect, adored me and discovering the things I did about him (his double life) almost killed me. The shock was horrific. There is a part of me now that warsm to openly fucked up men because at LEAST I can SEE it. At least it's there, in all it's glory and not hidden as a suprise down the road.

I am dating a very nice man right now....but I don't feel about him the way I should and I wonder how much of this is me?

Someone upthread said the obsession allows you to focus on something and ignore other things that you can't face.

This is very interesting. It looks like there are some common themes emerging here as to the ingredients for a succesful recipe to create limerence:

• low self esteem
• typically a LO who blows hot/cold keeping the flames of hope alive

and now

• possibly some kind of background issue/trauma that the sufferer doesn't want to face and so can throw themselves into the limerent obsession to avoid it.

I hadn't really thought about the last one before but it does make sense. I suppose it is a form of addiction - and just as plenty of alcoholics are drinking to deal with/hide from an underlying painful issue, I wonder if limerent sufferers to a degree are doing the same.

I think I've been in a similar situation to this, not as extreme though, no stalking behaviour or anything.

Had an affair with a married man on and off for two years. It was the most crazy I've ever been. His wife found out and he dropped me, then picked me back up again. Then repeated that a couple more times. My head was a mess, I broke down at work, my friends were at a loss.

He's def not a narc type, just weak and couldn't see a way out of his marriage. He should have let me go though, it wasn't fair, although I can't ignore the fact that I knew he was married when I got involved and therefore brought a lot of it on myself.

Last year we finally said no more and broke contact. We are now back in touch and meet up occasionally as 'friends'. We haven't had sex in over a year but the feelings are still very much there. I am seeing someone else, who I care for but it's nowhere near the same.

And now he finally has started the process of divorcing his wife, and wants to meet me this weekend to talk. A huge part of me would love to be with him again but I'm scared of going back to that dark place. Messy.

• possibly some kind of background issue/trauma that the sufferer doesn't want to face and so can throw themselves into the limerent obsession to avoid it.

I agree with this. But based on my experience, I think this can be not even trauma or a major issue but as simple as emotional avoidance of everyday life. We can learn to fantasise about relationships to make ourselves better, a strategy that can be learnt in early childhood and reinforced, because it brings a relief from the difficulties going on at that time, e.g. an unpredictable relationship with a caregiver. Then as a learned strategy, maybe it just gets overused in adulthood.

• typically a LO who blows hot/cold keeping the flames of hope alive

I can see from the thread that this is a common part of people's experience, but this bit doesn't resonate with me. For me limerence is about my unrealistic hopes for what relationships can do for me. The LOs have always been perfectly nice decent people. Perhaps people who I could ascribe caring qualities to in the hope they could look after me. For me I figure this is all about trying to resolve early attachment disappointments.

Even though I know it was false it is still hard

Of course it's still hard - you can't just switch it off overnight. As I said before, total deletion of his existence from my life and spoken thoughts was step one in moving on but the embers took a while to die out. Pocket said very early on the thread that the "bucket of cold water" effect was only achieved by her suffering a bereavement and of course no one wishes for that.

But I hope as you are gaining better understanding of your situation, you realise this was never about you not being "good enough". You have been manipulated and coerced but you will come through this stronger than the person who allowed herself to get into that position. You will have a clearer understanding of what sorts of boundaries you should be drawing, what the red flags are and what sorts of things become an absolute deal breaker, no matter how charmingly someone tries to convince you otherwise.

Hmm...I think my self esteem was in tatters at the time I fell into this trap but in fairness in my case (and it sounds like most cases) he invested a vast amount of time in being the perfect, most adoring boyfriend in the world for some time before he "turned"

At that point, even a sane and together human being will initially be thinking ..."what happenned here, how can I fix it...what can I do?" and then of course he comes back to normal, you're all relieved and then he lather, rinses and repeats until you feel like you are going mad.

Mine displayed crazy making behavior.

At first, consistently showing his interest in me and that he was in it for the ling haul, displaying all the characteristics I admire most in a man, bowling me over with his sheer tenacity and how highly he thought of and regarded me, answering every question I asked in the perfect way. He absolutely targeted me and made me completely believe I was "it" for him.

then he'd start being odd. All of a sudden his daily calls and texts went to him disappearing completely for 48 hours and when I questioned it he made me feel silly and we had great makeup sex with me apologising.

The next time he disappeared for a week, and came back as if nothing has happenned and was more in love with me than ever. then it was 10 days. Then all of a sudde if I questioned him he'd be quite verbally abusive telling me to grow the fuck up.

My head was spinning. If I tried to dump him or ignore him, he'd be at my door crying begging me and telling me he knew he had issues but he loved me. The sex and chemistry was like nothing I had ever experienced and he'd put his head in my lap like a baby and beg me not to leave him.

It was absolutely fucking impossible to deal with and the reason I didn't walk away was partly because I had come to feel a desperate addiction to his adoration, and partly because I just wanted to understand what the fuck was going on.

I was literally OBSESSED. Couldn't work, eat, sleep, drink.

He finally admitted be was a "c**t. He said "that's just me, I'm a dick" and that it was basically all fun and games for him from start to finish. I don't think he had an authentic bone in his body.

Yesterday I felt ok and in control. I was starting to think I can get over LO.

Today I am all shaky, upset and feel like everything is doom and gloom.

Next week will 4 weeks of NC

But then he started acting as if he REALLY cared about me. Gentle and tender and asking how i was sad

This is what I miss...

The change in him from Dec / Jan upsets me because I didn't really do anything to bring it

Yes you did. You said "screw this" and decided not to contact him after his absolutely horrific behaviour in November.

Just googled it - isn't it just another term for infatuation / falling in love with someone? Have certainly experienced it.

Rather lovely word though.

Forgive me if I may, but just had a look and isn't this just a term to romanticise falling for someone who doesn't care about you in the same way? Like unrequited love for the modern, (probably) rather young female? This thread reads like one of my teenage diaries!

This thread reads like one of my teenage diaries!

Helpful. Thanks.

Well I think what my point is that it seems all about romanticising the apparent obsession to some extent. Not intended to be obtuse, and apologies if I caused offence!

Well I'm not the only one to have felt very unromantic about the situation on the thread. And I'm surprised your teenage diaries involved people losing jobs and marriages.

isn't this just a term to romanticise falling for someone who doesn't care about you in the same way? Like unrequited love for the modern, (probably) rather young female?

The man who went absolutely batshit with me - to the extent that I had to change all my contact details and threaten going to the police if he didn't leave me alone - was in his 50s, if that helps?

If you think the word "limerence" is romantic, then you could just call it obsession and engage with the content of what people are saying about their experiences, rather than dismissing what people have said as "teenage girl" stuff.

And I am a 57 year old woman looking back at something that happened to me in my late thirties. I nearly ruined my happy marriage and my relationship with my child, but still had to leave a highly successful career after having a serious breakdown caused by my limerence.

We are talking here about personal experiences that are profoundly difficult for those who are involved. I can understand how someone who has never encountered this cannot appreciate how damaging these feelings are, but at least read some of the thread and you will realise that some of us are sharing our most intimate feelings and your comments about "teenage crushes" are pretty crass.

Like I say, my comment wasn't intended to offend, and I have genuine sympathy for anyone experiencing a difficult time. But actually, although I've not RTWT... I have read some of the posts and what struck me was how incredibly self-absorbed some of them were. Comments about a guy's wife or long term partner, whose husband the poster has entered into an affair with, being old, ugly and fat, I would also describe as pretty crass. I should point out here that I was born in the 80s and am fortunate in that I've never been cheated on, so far as I am aware anyway. So this is not coming from a personal place. But as an outside party, they did remind me of my teenage diaries - I never entered into an affair with a married man, but I was certainly very self-absorbed, and did waste countless hours analysing and dissecting what I can see now was plain dubious and childish behaviour from certain men. It is an assumption on your part that I've not been in a situation myself where an unhealthy attachment to someone has caused me pain or sadness, or reaped destruction or suffering in my life. However it seems on this thread, from the incomplete part that I have read, that this term is being used to legitimise some pretty shoddy behaviour and attitudes. My post about sounding like my teenage diaries was simply honest; never since have I been so absorbed with the depths of my own feelings regarding my relationships to the detriment of anyone else involved!

It is an assumption on your part that I've not been in a situation myself where an unhealthy attachment to someone has caused me pain or sadness, or reaped destruction or suffering in my life

It was a benefit of the doubt rather than an assumption; otherwise, people would just think you were being deliberately rude and - frankly - a bit self-absorbed

Self-absorbed - huh? How's that then?