DD has hit DH

[SpeccyBat]

DD is 9 and whilst being a sweet and caring kid, she's developing a pretty volatile temper. She gets frustrated and impatient easily, hates being in trouble and doesn't handle it well. Her temper recently is more explosive. Last night, she tried to take a bit out of DH's food - he was ravenous, she had eaten already, she'd asked, he said no and she still tried to take a bite. I think she assumed he'd laugh it off but he exploded. She was hurt and rushed out of the room. On returning my he called her a 'prat', several times, she responded that she wasn't a prat and I could see her temper rising. He said it again and she snapped, stormed over to him and thumped him as hard as she could in the small of his back, then legged it.

I felt pretty useless in the whole sorry situation - I could see it escalating and felt powerless to help. I got her upstairs into bedtime mode and when she calmed (albeit not much) I calmly told her that what she had done was totally unacceptable and that I would be thinking of a consequence ASAP. She went to bed angrily. DH is hurt and upset, but I really, really resent the way he calls her a prat. He also says things like "you're a nasty girl" repeated ad infinitum when they've had a ding-dong and I have asked him time and time again to not do this.

I feel that DH is partly to blame for provoking here somewhat. I'm far from perfect, but I try and avoid escalating any situation with DD whilst he seems to have to goad her. I foresee a terrible relationship between them in her teens if things continue as they are.

She adores his company at times - they share the same interests - cycling, gardening and it's as if she cannot handle any disapproval from him.

How do I handle this situation - I've barely slept and I don't want this to be a pattern we fall into. DH has been known to accuse me of taking sides and always backing DD up, but when he calls here these names, he's making it virtually impossible for me not to support her.

Please advise.

I've been following this thread with interest. OP I'm so pleased you've told her that his behaviour was unacceptable. Her feelings must be validated. I really hope you continue to find the strength to stand up to him and fight her corner.

He ignores them for days? poor kids.

I had a mother like that. Fuck I was glad to leave home. Still, it did give me a valuable mental filter; the second anyone in my life became a sulker they were gone. Saved me loads of time, that did.

Does he ignore you too?

Speccybat - there are red flags all over your posts...are you really happy in your relationship?

I have name changed for this because I know people in RL on here....

This sounds really similar to what had been going on in our house for years between DH and (now) 9yo DS.

But, I was ill for several years and tried as hard as I could to minimise the damage, but I never had the strength to properly sort it out.

I explained to DH over and over and over exactly why his behaviour was unacceptable and why his "I'm sorry, but " wasn't a proper apology and it was no bloody wonder that DS was lashing out. He was the adult etc.

I always made sure that DS knew that it was not appropriate for his dad to behave like that and that I was on his side etc etc etc. I was not going to stand back and do nothing, because to me, that would make me as bad as DH.

Well, things came to a head a few months ago, and DH crossed a line. I had the oomph back in me by this time and I went absolutely fucking crazy at DH and told him to leave because I was THIS close to calling it a day with our relationship because he was such a bully. Only ever to DS, never to me btw.

He came back with his tail between his legs and FINALLY acknowledged that he was depressed. I had been mentioned to him over the years that I thought he probably was depressed and that perhaps he should see the GP, but he had never done anything about it.

When he saw how close he was to losing everything, he went straight to the doctor and got treatment for his depression.

Now:

• There is no more of the bullying behaviour from DH.

-DS no longer lashes out in anger and frustration (he only ever did this with DH, nobody else -wonder why )

• DS has stopped bullying his little brother. No prizes for guessing where he had learned the bullying from.

I am not saying that every bullying father is suffering from depression, but what happened in our family was a perfect illustration of the behaviour of the child being as a direct result of the shit behaviour of a parent. Our house is now a much calmer, happier place to be. Thank goodness.

My only regret is that I didn't have the strength to sort it out years ago

We seem to except so little from men, yet they expect so much.

If its 'nasty girl' and 'prat' now wait until she is a teen possibly trying to dress to look her best, maybe gets a boyfriend/s and it will be 'slag' 'cunt' and 'filthy little whore', comments on her weight and clothing. I speak from bitter experience.
Your husband verbally abused your daughter and you punish your daughter! This is exactly why she is kicking off. Her father abuses her and you back HIM up.

I would seriously consider leaving this man of he will not alter his behaviour. It has seriously affected my relationship with both my parents and as an adult I realised that my mother never protected me. She would never step in and stop him. The only time she ever did intervene (after the event) was because she didn't like the word 'cunt' and she thought that went too far.
Both my parents are abusive, my father, openly and my mother by passively letting it happen.
DONT BE THAT MOTHER. He does it to you too. If you look you will see, it will be little things like jokingly calling you stupid, or commenting on how much you eat/drink.

The initial bad behaviour by your dd should have been dealt with by a punishment such as the naughty step, not name calling. Was there any intention by either of you to deal with the incident? Yes, he is partly to blame as name calling a child is not appropriate but dd hitting is equally unacceptable. He should apologise to her and her to him.

I was the child in this situation for years. In all other aspects my childhood was great - except my Dad's temper. I learned to avoid him where possible and tiptoe around him when not. He used to call me and my sister names like "prat", "twit", "horrible girl", "chimp", "stupid". It was awful. I'm 28 now and the only confidence I have comes from my lovely DP.
My sister has absolutely none and goes from one abusive relationship to the next because she thinks on some level it's all she is worth. She can't avoid them either because she can't recognise a man who wouldn't treat her like that.
Please show your DH my post, as unless he changes, this is what he is doing to his daughter.

So glad to read your updates. You've expressed exactly the same judgements I had from the info you gave in the rest of the thread.

I'm glad you're watching and I hope you're prepared to step in as even if he sees he's been wrong and wants to change, if this is an inground habit it'll take time and consistency in pointing out his errors.

Good luck

My stepdad used to call me names and be really goady.

I have such a low self esteem now due to it and what he used to say I now say to myself in my head. It's very hard to get rid of negative thoughts like that. He would bring up such anger within me, and now even at 30 I am an angry person.

Please put a stop to his shitty behaviours or leave him.

Haven't read the whole thread, but if my DD would ask for a bite and DH would say no, I'd have a right go at him. If course she can have a bite, why not??!!! Boggles the mind.
I'll ask him when he wakes up, but I'm pretty sure he'd say of course she can have a bite, no matter how hungry he'd be, she's his child.

Really pleased to see your update op

Your dh is an emotional bully & his bullying has taught his daughter that she has to be physical to defend herself.

Did you intervene & back your daughter up while your dh was calling her a prat? My dh & I back each other up, but on the ONE occasion he name called, I stepped in & sided with dd. A long chat about how damaging name calling can be later, and he has not done it again!

I calmly told her that what she had done was totally unacceptable and that I would be thinking of a consequence ASAP. She went to bed angrily. DH is hurt and upset Tbh honest, I wouldn't be punishing her for hitting out, how hard could she have hit him at 9?.

And didums for your dh! [eyeroll]

I'm trying to imagine what it would be like to have to live with a man like this, and no power to leave and no reserves of an adult. Pretty fucking shit, and damaging! My mother constantly talked to me like this, not these words, but many others.

Being picked on at school? She is being picked on at home!

star I don't believe words are harmful - grow a backbone if you get hurt by words. I am pleased that you have no basis on which to experience how harmful words are. I can prove you are wrong. My mother hit me once, when I was 18, before I left home. Compared to 13yrs (it started when my dad left home) of name calling it didn't hurt me one bit.

It's ok for him to pinch food off them (I have another DD - younger) but they cannot do the same in return ? So there you go, it's the norm in your house for people to steal food off plates, he does it, but doesn't like it when the worm turns!

completely agree with elder. The child shouldn't have been winding him up when asked to stop. Yes he over reacted. He's human and it happens. Hitting I'd unacceptable and she should know that at her age.

You don't put 9 year olds on the naughty step Helen :o