DD has hit DH

[SpeccyBat]

DD is 9 and whilst being a sweet and caring kid, she's developing a pretty volatile temper. She gets frustrated and impatient easily, hates being in trouble and doesn't handle it well. Her temper recently is more explosive. Last night, she tried to take a bit out of DH's food - he was ravenous, she had eaten already, she'd asked, he said no and she still tried to take a bite. I think she assumed he'd laugh it off but he exploded. She was hurt and rushed out of the room. On returning my he called her a 'prat', several times, she responded that she wasn't a prat and I could see her temper rising. He said it again and she snapped, stormed over to him and thumped him as hard as she could in the small of his back, then legged it.

I felt pretty useless in the whole sorry situation - I could see it escalating and felt powerless to help. I got her upstairs into bedtime mode and when she calmed (albeit not much) I calmly told her that what she had done was totally unacceptable and that I would be thinking of a consequence ASAP. She went to bed angrily. DH is hurt and upset, but I really, really resent the way he calls her a prat. He also says things like "you're a nasty girl" repeated ad infinitum when they've had a ding-dong and I have asked him time and time again to not do this.

I feel that DH is partly to blame for provoking here somewhat. I'm far from perfect, but I try and avoid escalating any situation with DD whilst he seems to have to goad her. I foresee a terrible relationship between them in her teens if things continue as they are.

She adores his company at times - they share the same interests - cycling, gardening and it's as if she cannot handle any disapproval from him.

How do I handle this situation - I've barely slept and I don't want this to be a pattern we fall into. DH has been known to accuse me of taking sides and always backing DD up, but when he calls here these names, he's making it virtually impossible for me not to support her.

Please advise.

I find it really worrying that you defend your DH so much. How is "he was ravenous" any excuse for the nastiness. It was just a bite of food she tried to take. Why do you believe his food is so sacrosanct? Is it because he likes to be the "Lord and master" that no one should question?

Do you go along with his demands, modifying your behaviour, so as not to set him off in some way? And now you're worried that DD doesn't do the same?

Perhaps look at from the other perspective. Perhaps you should call him on every bit of bullying and childinsh behaviour, so that DD gets a clear message from at least one parent of what is acceptable behaviour for a grown up, and what is not.

Why did you feel helpless? In that situation, I would have said strongly to my DH that DD is not a prat and not to call her that, and to please apologise for doing so. I would have been telling him to get a grip - it's only a bite of food! (I would also have told DD that it was wrong of her to take a piece of DH's food, when he had specifically said no, and asked her to apologise for that.)

If you felt helpless, maybe it's because you were afraid to call him on his bad behaviour, because of the consequences to you. In which case, you are treating your DD as a human sheild.

She should have hit him twice.

Seriously though. Your post should read 'DH calls DD names'.

Yes, the thread title is revealingly misleading.

It's one thing getting angry with her when she wouldn't take no for an answer regarding the food. But what bothers me is that she was upset, came back, and he still continued to shout nasty names at her. That is entirely unacceptable. He had time to curb his anger, and he didn't.

I would tell her that hitting is not acceptable but you understand exactly what she did it. Your dh needs to apologise to her and think about ways of controlling his anger and nastiness.

Is your husband her biological dad?

The problem is your DH not your DD. Lease protect her from this poor excuse of a man

Your H is a bully.

Why didn't you stop him ?

I agree with the others, this is a parenting issue.

She's not old enough to have the skills to have avoided this situation.

He is the adult and should have known better, you are a parent and I wonder why you felt unable to intervene by distraction until you could talk without your DD there.

I'm a bit mystified at the responses here, I must admit.

At 2, taking a bite from someone else's food is perhaps acceptable. At 9 it is not. 'Prat' is (to me) a semi-affectionate word although I am obviously aware it depends on context.

I can understand someone who is hungry losing patience with someone getting right in your way, invading your space (which they would have to be to be eating your food!)

I agree DH needs talking to CALMLY about not calling her a nasty girl.

But DD also needs a very serious talk about keeping her hands to herself.

elder - don't you think she is mirroring his behaviour. If he reacts like this now what will he be like when she hits 13, and why did the OP do nothing ?

They are having a terrible relationship now.

How does your DH behave with you; have you had similar emotionally abusive treatment meted out to you as well?.

Your DD went to bed angry; what message did you yourself send your child here?.

Why did you not have a go at your DH for his actions; is that because you were also afraid of his reaction towards you?.

What she is learning here is a shed full of damaging lessons on relationships; she will end up choosing an abusive partner partly because you as her mother are still tolerating this from your H on some level.

You have a choice re him OP: your DD does not.

He didn't thump her in the small of her back, so no.

He called her a prat. He called her a nasty girl. I agree he was out of order on both of those.

She must have got right in his face when she took his food (after he had said no); I understand why this annoyed him.

She hit him. She was wrong.

Prat was hardly being used in an affectionate way here, it was continuously used to push a child over the edge. He was not feeling affection for the child at all was he? He was very, very angry.

Do you think her temper and violence is a direct result of trying to get his attention?

Tell him not to make a fuss in 10 years when she is dating a nasty bully that calls her an idiot.

^ This ^

Name calling has a culmative effect and he might quickly forget what he says in anger but she doesn't. Sit him down and start discussing strategies for dealing with her behaviour. He has to learn to extricate himself from escalating situations and he can impose consequences later, when they have both calmed down. I also suggest you resist getting into the habit of being the one to calm her down when her poor behaviour directly effects your H.

However, there is no excuse for an adult to bully a child and being her father doesn't exempt him, you do not condone it and will intervene and protect her when it occurs.

Op you have boundaries too and you must communicate and defend them where necessary.

I've conceded that, but it's not in the same league as twat or something.

anyway I am in a minority view here (which is fine and I am sure there's something I am missing) but I think the DD is the one who needs a telling off not the DH!

Have you missed the part where 'He exploded, she was hurt & rushed out of the room'? He's a bully.

elder, what the OP describes is a man 'exploding' at a young child, and persistent, insidious name-calling even after being asked by her to stop.

The behaviour displayed by the child appears to be borne out of the resulting anxiety. Further tellings-off of the child without addressing the behaviour of the husband would likely be futile and probably counter-productive.

I've exploded at my children myself and I don't think I'm a bully - I suppose it depends exactly what he did but in my case, when I 'explode', I yell, loudly

The OP also wrote 'He seems to have to goad her'. His behaviour is indefensible & the child's 'behaviour' is nothing more than a frustrated response to this toxic environment.

Do you do it 'time and time again', elder?

Elder has her own minority view and the thread turns to questioning this. Back to the OP. DD did the wrong thing. DH went on when he should have shut up. DD did the wrong thing again. DD probably needs to understand that no means no and DH needs to learn when to be quiet or the lesson gets lost. DD has to know physical reactions are a complete no no. Parenting is a learning curve and the kids and parents both are on it.

He is the adult here. Of course DCs can be provoking and push us to the brink. She was misbehaving. He went overboard. As it escalated why didn't you step in?

Does she have siblings?

I've exploded at my children myself and I don't think I'm a bully

Well, perhaps you are? Or just a prat? 'Semi-affectionately' of course.