DD has hit DH

[SpeccyBat]

DD is 9 and whilst being a sweet and caring kid, she's developing a pretty volatile temper. She gets frustrated and impatient easily, hates being in trouble and doesn't handle it well. Her temper recently is more explosive. Last night, she tried to take a bit out of DH's food - he was ravenous, she had eaten already, she'd asked, he said no and she still tried to take a bite. I think she assumed he'd laugh it off but he exploded. She was hurt and rushed out of the room. On returning my he called her a 'prat', several times, she responded that she wasn't a prat and I could see her temper rising. He said it again and she snapped, stormed over to him and thumped him as hard as she could in the small of his back, then legged it.

I felt pretty useless in the whole sorry situation - I could see it escalating and felt powerless to help. I got her upstairs into bedtime mode and when she calmed (albeit not much) I calmly told her that what she had done was totally unacceptable and that I would be thinking of a consequence ASAP. She went to bed angrily. DH is hurt and upset, but I really, really resent the way he calls her a prat. He also says things like "you're a nasty girl" repeated ad infinitum when they've had a ding-dong and I have asked him time and time again to not do this.

I feel that DH is partly to blame for provoking here somewhat. I'm far from perfect, but I try and avoid escalating any situation with DD whilst he seems to have to goad her. I foresee a terrible relationship between them in her teens if things continue as they are.

She adores his company at times - they share the same interests - cycling, gardening and it's as if she cannot handle any disapproval from him.

How do I handle this situation - I've barely slept and I don't want this to be a pattern we fall into. DH has been known to accuse me of taking sides and always backing DD up, but when he calls here these names, he's making it virtually impossible for me not to support her.

Please advise.

Should have added, in the heat of the moment, I know it's not always obvious what to do, but as you say that afterwards "DH was hurt and upset" instead of, "DH was regretting having been goady and ramping up the tension", I just wonder what went through your mind as the scene played out.

'Prat' is (to me) a semi-affectionate word

Wow elder - glad I don't live in your house

taking food off others plates is a no no here - doesn't matter that its only a bite of food - its not your food. if you are offered fine but don't take off others plates.

your DH was wrong to start name calling when she came back - does he think its some kind of game? why would he wind her up like that.

your DD - she shouldn't be getting so wound up over a bit of name calling - remember the saying "stick and stones will break my bones but names will never harm me"? she should be walking away from it and leaving him to it.

sounds like they have a love/hate thing going on.

OK, so the child was silly/naughty to have taken a bite out of his food.

However, he deliberately goaded her by repeatedly calling her names? Presumably he was trying to get a reaction out of her then?

If they were 9 year old siblings then I'd say they were both being as bad as each other. But he is supposed to be an adult.

your DD - she shouldn't be getting so wound up over a bit of name calling - remember the saying "stick and stones will break my bones but names will never harm me"? she should be walking away from it and leaving him to it.

OK, if your brother, or some kid from school, is calling you names and trying to wind you up then fine - "walk away", sticks and stones etc might be good advice.

But if you're a child and it's your dad that's trying to wind you up with name-calling? Surely that's a different situation entirely?

OP,
I suppose I am a bit further along the line than you?
My H behaves childishly and can be very selfish and put his needs (the meal) before the family (kid having a playful bite of food) every time.

I call him on it, every time. EG:

Last night my H got worked up as one of the kids had knocked over a water cup (not even a big spill).
I'd not seen it, and assumed it was Ds (dyspraxic, only recently dx'd) so
I said to H that ds IS dyspraxic and will therefore knock / spill stuff and there is no fuss to be made, thank you very much.
then I saw it was dd sitting with tears in her eyes.
I was the one who felt awful, dd felt upset, and so did ds as he knew I'd assumed any clumsiness would be him so I'd 'labelled' him.

Actually it was H behaving like a shit.
So there and then I said to both kids, 'a water spill doesn't even matter - what matters is we all feel we can relax at the table, enjoy our food and chat to each other. I then looked very pointedly at H and said:
If you don't feel that way you'd better look at your own behaviour and see what you need to adjust' - whilst looking at H.
I also asked him to apologise which he did very poorly.

Trouble is, the kids were stressed having to go through that.
Stressed by H behaviour and stressed by my heavy handed 'sorting it'.
I would like H to change. I don't believe he will.
It is part of why we will separate.

I am not suggesting you separate over this btw, but your H behaved very wrongly to your dd last night. She is only 9 and I think her 'hitting out' is a direct result of they way he goaded her. x

Your thread title and your OP give the impression you are more concerned in getting your Dd to comply with the Rules of Dad (which are basically to let him be a bully) to have a 'calm house' than to ensure your child's emotional well being.

Her instincts against him at the moment are actually correct. Yet, you are telling her they are not.

Thing is, if you carry on like this, she probably will comply pretty soon, you'll get your 'calm house' where everyone complies with the Master. And you've managed to bring up another girl used to bullying and name calling from men.

Yay!

Let's hope you remain childfree

I'm sorry but I'm not buying all this about the little girl been anxious. If she was intimidated by her Dad she deffinately wouldn't have eaten his food after he said no or thumped him! Although the husband sounds to have a short fuse it seems to me the little girl has zero respect. I would have never as a child disrespected my parents in such a way, I was too scared incase I got a smack!

And no, before the mumsnet police start I don't condone smacking children. I have two and I have never even so much as tapped their hand.

Theres two people at fault here, the Dad and the child. If my child hit me there would be consequences, if my child ate my food after I said no there would be consequences. Mine are 3 and 6 so age appropriate consequences such as no desert, computer time etc.

It's ok blaming the parent completely and writing him off as a bully but it's not realistic, I've told my children then are naughty boys and if they have behaved violently I've evenue told them that it was nasty.

If we don't create mutual respect then the next generation of children will grow up entitled and with troubled relationships.

At her age she's still learning deal with her own emotions.

He's the adult and ought to know better.

That's not to excuse her behaviour, she's needs to learn by quality parenting and not goady behaviour from one of the 2 faults that should be educating her, guiding her and providing suitable consequences as punishments.

That little girl can't rely on her own father to parent her correctly. It should never have reached that stage and the parents have failed her. This needs nipping in the bud.

Yes hitting her dad was unacceptable. It's not acceptable to hit anyone, but I'd say it is more unacceptable to be calling his 9 year old little girl a prat. He's not arguing with one of his mates down the pub.

Oh, and should point out that I've had my moments as a parent where I've not been a shining beacon of perfection, as has DH, but this is a huge deal if the OP's DH is always like this.

DH should take action by apologising for his wrongdoing but then being clear that her behaviour needs to be apologised for and isn't to be repeated either.

I feel that DH is partly to blame for provoking here somewhat.

Your DH was entirely to blame. For fucks sake she is a child.

She shouldn't have tried to take food after being told no, but that needed dealt with calmly, not by "exploding."

DD is 9 and whilst being a sweet and caring kid, she's developing a pretty volatile temper. She gets frustrated and impatient easily, hates being in trouble and doesn't handle it well. Her temper recently is more explosive.

Again, she is a child, and you write this about her like she has any control over it. It isn't organic. You really need to look at the dynamic in your household, and the behaviour of her dad. She is reacting to her surroundings.

I think it's quite concerning that the OP indicates in her opening post that her husband's goading and name calling have been going on for a long time, and that she's asked him to stop the behaviour 'time after time' - and he ignores her reasonable request.

The exploding behaviour concerns me. The fact she seems to have been goaded concerns me.

How are things normally in the household ?

I am not sure how you expect a 9 year old to be constantly harassed..As for the poster who mentioned sticks and stones..Yes we were told this when we were little but it isn't true is it ?

I agree. But where I come from prat is a term to describe somebody silly, it's not very offensive but I wouldn't call my children it. It's about balance, yes the little girl could very well grow up and tolerate abuse as it's modelled to her now. But she could also grow up and become abusive if her behaviour isn't nipped in the bud. I think people are blowing things out of proportion, maybe family counselling would be an idea to create boundaries and respect on both sides so the little girl benefits by learning mutual respect and the Dad learns to parent more effectively and develops a closer and more harmonious relationship with his daughter.

Somebody made a good point earlier that parenting is a learning curve, which it is. I'm always realising things in hindsight and I apologise to my child and grow as a mother. Who on here can honestly say they haven't had similar realisations? Or is everybody perfect and makes zero mistakes? Surely it's good that our children see that we make mistakes and we take responsibility and apologise and make changes. I like to think that my children will grow up and choose relationships with a person that is fundementally a good person, but if they make a mistake they are adult and caring enough to put things right. We can't expect our children to never have disappointment in any type of relationship, nobody is perfect.

I calmly told her that what she had done was totally unacceptable and that I would be thinking of a consequence ASAP. She went to bed angrily.

My whole childhood was like this. Me being blamed for the shitty behaviour of the adults around me. I could weep for your DD. How frustrated must she have felt. Repeatedly called a prat, goaded and goaded, unable to cope with the emotions that it brought out in her, and then having to face more consequences for behaviour that she was goaded into by her daddy.

I agree 110% with star, about sticks and stones not being true.
Words hurt far far far more than any beating. They cut more deeper than any knife could
That rhyme is a disgrace and should be banned. To me it dismisses feelings and hurt.

I agree that a 9- to who has already eaten should understand that no means no in this situation. Equally, her father should not be goading her with name-calling after the incident. I have had to teach myself how to let things go with the children. So, if DD and I have a disagreement, I had to learn to deal with the incident then leave it there! No snapping at her, no keeping the tension going. I actually learnt this from my husband - he can have an argument with you but then 10 minutes later, it's done and dusted, over with.

On a slightly different note, is she allowed to get herself something else to eat if she's still hungry? If one of us had said to the dcs no, I am really hungry I want my tea myself, we'd have followed it up with something like go and get yourself some toast or fruit if you're want something else to eat.

The pertinent question here is:-

How is your DD with everyone else?

If it's only your DH she is like this for then you have your answer

I agree with Peggyundercrackers

This totally misses the point:

Most fathers would give their child the last crumb they had if they wanted it. Most would laugh at the situation you describes. Instead, he gets aggressive, shouts, calls her horrible names.

This is not about giving a starving child the last crumb. It is about teaching a 9 year old child acceptable table manners. If you ask and are told no, then it is very rude to just take. I know adult men who openly state that they find women on dates doing this sort of thing extremely irritating and demonstrating bad manners.

Of course, calling a child a nasty girl repeatedly is not good behaviour. But this can't just be swept under the "DH is a nasty abusive man" carpet.

A 9 year old child behaving like that does need to be appropriately disciplined (I don't mean beaten!) - otherwise she will grow up to be a brat rather than a prat!

There are two issues - one the way in which the daughter is disciplined for bad manners (exploding at her is unlikely to be helpful!) and two the way in which the DH reacts to her.

or OP is the goady one as she never came back

I honestly cannot believe some of the responses on here, though it's consoling they're in the minority. I'd bet this little girl's behavioural 'problems' would completely dissipate if she wasn't experiencing goading, name calling & verbal explosions from an adult man.

Sorry op but it sounds as if your Dd has learnt her 'explosive' behaviour from her dad.

IMO this situation is 100% your H's fault. Responsible adults don't explode at children and them goad them with name calling. Tbh I don't think you have a hope in hell of helping your Dd learn how to behave until your H learns how to himself.