DD has hit DH

[SpeccyBat]

DD is 9 and whilst being a sweet and caring kid, she's developing a pretty volatile temper. She gets frustrated and impatient easily, hates being in trouble and doesn't handle it well. Her temper recently is more explosive. Last night, she tried to take a bit out of DH's food - he was ravenous, she had eaten already, she'd asked, he said no and she still tried to take a bite. I think she assumed he'd laugh it off but he exploded. She was hurt and rushed out of the room. On returning my he called her a 'prat', several times, she responded that she wasn't a prat and I could see her temper rising. He said it again and she snapped, stormed over to him and thumped him as hard as she could in the small of his back, then legged it.

I felt pretty useless in the whole sorry situation - I could see it escalating and felt powerless to help. I got her upstairs into bedtime mode and when she calmed (albeit not much) I calmly told her that what she had done was totally unacceptable and that I would be thinking of a consequence ASAP. She went to bed angrily. DH is hurt and upset, but I really, really resent the way he calls her a prat. He also says things like "you're a nasty girl" repeated ad infinitum when they've had a ding-dong and I have asked him time and time again to not do this.

I feel that DH is partly to blame for provoking here somewhat. I'm far from perfect, but I try and avoid escalating any situation with DD whilst he seems to have to goad her. I foresee a terrible relationship between them in her teens if things continue as they are.

She adores his company at times - they share the same interests - cycling, gardening and it's as if she cannot handle any disapproval from him.

How do I handle this situation - I've barely slept and I don't want this to be a pattern we fall into. DH has been known to accuse me of taking sides and always backing DD up, but when he calls here these names, he's making it virtually impossible for me not to support her.

Please advise.

Sounds like lack of actual parenting from both of you.

Your daughter's behaviour was poor. My 4 year old would be in trouble for disobedience and stealing someone else's food.

'Prat' is also completely inaccurate. She wasn't being a prat. She was being selfish, disobedient, and disrespectful. One of you should have told her that, and then taken some action. She needed to apologise immediately or a sanction. Instead of this, your partner resorted to petty name calling and you just sat there and watched, the situation escalated.

Tell her where the line is and follow through if she crosses it. Kid wants boundaries. You both need to step up.

DD is 9 and whilst being a sweet and caring kid, she's developing a pretty volatile temper. She gets frustrated and impatient easily, hates being in trouble and doesn't handle it well. Her temper recently is more explosive. Last night, she tried to take a bit out of DH's food - he was ravenous, she had eaten already, she'd asked, he said no and she still tried to take a bite. I think she assumed he'd laugh it off but he exploded.

How often is this "sweet and caring" 9 year old "in trouble"? What does she get in trouble for? Erroneously assuming her verbally abusive df has a sense of humour or incidents which occur in her interaction with others?

If you allow your dh to continue telling your dd that she's a 'nasty girl' and a 'prat', which I suspect are by no means the only negative words he uses, it's to be hoped that her school will pick up on your dd's anxiety and she will be given the help she needs to repair the emotional damage her father is inflicting on her, otherwise he will set her up for a lifetime of abuse by bullies like him.

Is it acceptable table manners to explode at other people then when they are upset call them a prat repeatedly?!

sandfish ummm.... You sound like a army Sargent!

op If you come back, the listen to all the advice given!

My dad was a temperamental, poor communicator and insulting man. It's a great shame to me that he fucked it all up. All through my life I can easily recall his shouting, insulting/"banter". He was quite nasty.

My mum kept out of a lot of it, as it wore her out! Don't be that mum.

Is your dd NT? Because 9 is plenty old enough to behave a lot better...

Under normal circumstances.

But your dh called her names repeatedly, tells her she's a nasty girl, you sit there feeling helpless...

Either your dd is a spoiled, greedy little drama queen and a brat, and you're a spineless, pathetic weakling OR you're dh is a pretty fucking nasty specimen and this is the tip of the iceberg.

I know which I suspect is true.

He's the prat! He's supposed to be adult and responsible but resorts to name-calling.

DS2 is 12 and on the spectrum. He often says and does things that he thinks are 'a joke'. He fails to understand that often they aren't particularly funny and in certain circumstances they are inappropriate. But to lose your rag at him and call him names would be even more inappropriate as well as cruel.

An ongoing argument in our house goes like this:

DS2:" It was a joke"
Me: "No DS, jokes are meant to be funny"
DS2:" Not always they aren't..."

The onus is on the adults and the older siblings to a less extent to tolerate or explain.

To understand what happened here the OP needs to explain the 'he exploded. She was hurt and rushed out of the room' bit. Was it a physical explosion? Did she get physically hurt by him? Even an adult jumping up and shouting is very frightening and intimidating.

Also, was she playing with him when she went to take some food? Is it something he's done with her...taken a bit of food to nibble on as a joke? Why did he totally overreact and frighten her? No-one is perfect, but this sounds totally over the top and dangerous.

Then, when she returned, what was he trying to get out of her when he called her a prat 'several times'? Where were you - if someone called my daughter a prat just the once I'd be straight in there defending her. Did you do this? At bed time, you told her it was her fault. You were wrong. You should have explained that no grown man should frighten a 9 year old girl and then call her names. Explain there are better ways to handle it, like walking away. Basically, explain to her how to deal with a bully without lashing out. But why should you have to explain that to a child in her own home?

To be honest with you, if I was 9 and a grown man called me names incessantly (prat on this occasion, you've said he calls her a nasty girl 'ad infinitum' on other occasions) I might loose my rag and lash out in a way a 9 year old does. I might do it now at my middle age. In fact, having been in an abusive relationship that is exactly what tends to happen. You get wound up and up and up then break. She's learning very young that some men are controlling bullies and also that other people sit by and watch, or tell the female that they are in the wrong because they eventually stuck up for themselves.

If I was you, I would be laying down some ground rules about how your husband treats your daughter and those rules are dealbreakers.

A nine year old is supposed to act in a more mature way than one of her primary role models? You will get nowhere with her, until her father acts like a grown-up.

nilby yeah, i guess i do...
no not really but I do call a spade a spade. If my child is being selfish or rude I tell them straight and that it is not on. If they need to say sorry I tell them. Its not fair to explode at kids or snipe at them. Its not fair to leave kids trying to work out what you will allow and what you wont. It is not fair to have one rule one day when you are in a good mood and another on a different occasion when you are hungry or have had a bad day. It is fair to tell them what you do expect in a calm and consistent way even if it is direct and even blunt.

OP i just think you and your partner don' t know how do deal with your daughter if she misbehaves. You respond by doing nothing. He responds by getting wound up and behaving childishly, in a way that another child might rather than her parent. Neither approach is going to help her learn ways to control her temper if she has a short fuse.

You need to sit down TOGETHER as parents and work out what you can do to help your daughter learn to control her temper because it is going to get her into trouble at school if it hasn't already. You are tiptoeing around her, trying to not to criticise or escalate - this will not help her deal with fair criticism or cope and modify her behaviour if she is being reprimanded. Your partner is winding her up.. this will definitely not help her either and is very unfair even cruel.

She needs help, she needs guidance. Some strategies like removing herself until she has calmed down, using humour to diffuse situations, counting to 10, breathing techniques there are lots of ideas out there - I read about something called the turtle technique for anger management recently, might be worth googling that.

Whatever you do think will help her, she needs to practice the next time something like this happens at home and you need to help her do that

I think the OP has chickened out of this thread, but in case not:

Your 'D'H is an arse. And a bully. Your DD was out of order, but it didn't justify what happened later.

Your main problem is your H. I too wondered if he was her bio dad. My father was a bully. TBH you never completely get over it, or having a mother stand-by and let him get on with it.

Agree with everyone here OP who's saying your DH is the issue. Unacceptable.
A child bases their behaviour on what they see. Their self esteem is fragile and I guarantee your poor dd has very little hence the lashing out. My dds dad knew and still knows the drill. He dents her confidence by screaming at her, scaring her or smacks her ( like he did his older two, my dds half siblings ) he can see her through a fucking telescope. Kids have no power over their environment. The adults do. If you need to talk more come back. And show your DH the thread if needs be.

Sorry - long day at work and there's a strict no phone policy. I tend to only look when I'm home.

I'm reading and taking everything in. I thank you for all your comments, even those which sting a little. I am taking it all on board.

DH has history of taking things too far - teasing too much, not letting arguments go, not accepting an apology. This morning, I told him that while she shouldn't have hit him, he was responsible for her temper since he goaded her by calling her names. I'm pretty sick of it actually - he doesn't act like this anywhere else so it IS bullying behaviour. It must stop because I do see that it's going to shape DD into being and feeling a certain way

When I say 'he exploded', I meant he yelled at her. It wasn't
Physical. That said, taking food off their plates is something he will do if he's passing them by at the dinner table. It's ok for him to pinch food off them (I have another DD - younger) but they cannot do the same in return ? FFS.

I am often accused of taking sides, and I have questioned myself in the past for being a mother that doesn't see the bad in her daughters. But I know that this isn't the case. He is a bully and a dominant one at that. I am sick of the way he forever sees himself as the victim when there's a row, yet it is usually he who has either started an argument or he who refuses to acknowledge that he has gone too far.

I woke DD this morning and I have told her on no uncertain terms that it is wrong of her Dad to call her names and that I understand why she exploded. I should have stepped in when I saw her temper and not allowed him to wind her up more. I feel I've let her down. She's a fab girl and doesn't behave little this normally. I don't want her growing up and feeling that her Mum didn't fight her corner.

OP I'm glad to see your update.

Everything you've heard upthread points the same way. Your DH is a bullying, childish dick and as a result he's a shit dad who is really, REALLY going to reap what he is sowing unless something changes pronto.

I don't fancy your chances without some kind of intervention however: someone like this, who treats a child like this, is a really uphill struggle. They simply don't have the emotional maturity to join the dots and see how utterly awful their approach and attitude is. Get some parenting help.

What do you get out of this relationship now with this man?. What needs of yours are being met here?.

Has he behaved similarly around you because if he has he is now transferring all that to your children who will also see, learn from and hear far more than you care to realise.

He is not taking any responsibility for his actions here and won't likely ever do so either.

What do you think your children are learning about relationships here?.
Do you want your children ultimately to grow up in such a household with their dominator of a dad?. You all cower under him really and this is all about power and control. For your part you are showing them that currently at least all this from him is acceptable to you.

I would suggest you read "Living with the Dominator" by Pat Craven.

You have a choice re your DH SpeccyBat, your children do not.

Speccy glad you're still on thread, and listening. I hope it doesn't go that way for you, but my XH was a bit like this. As DD got older, he really upped the ante with her, getting worse. Part of his deeper problem of hating women (very weird love/hate relationship with MIL) He was unwilling to reign it in or address it. I left him. I hope I left him in time for DD not to be damaged, but I do wonder, and I may not have done

I applaud you for taking it on the chin and admitting that what's been said here about your not very 'd'h is no more than you already know, OP

You may feel you've let your fab caring and sweet little girl down on this occasion, but by stepping up to the plate you can ensure that you never let her, or her younger ds, down again.

Your dh is without doubt a controlling and abusive bully and it's time for the dealbreaker - either he attends anger management and parenting courses or you and your ds will be attending to life without him in it.

"hates being in trouble and doesn't handle it well"

I am reminded of a dog we rehabilitated due to behavioural issues. It had been misreprimanded, so whenever we told him off, he got aggressive

We solved it quite simply by still telling him off when we needed to but when he got cross at us, just turning our backs on him, waiting thirty seconds, then turning back round, giving him a treat and telling him he was a good boy. Thus we broke the link where being told off was a big scary thing - we could tell him off if we had to and he could accept it.

Your DD sounds as if she has been treated badly and doesn't know when the telling off will stop. Is your DH bullying her? My father used to do this to me, wind me up then get cross with me for being wound up, so I never could cope with being told off.

I still hate people shouting as in my mind it leads to hitting. Her reaction must have a root cause - look for that.

Calling someone a prat "over and over" and a nasty girl is not disapproval, it's downright abusive.

My father used to call me "evil" and I don't think I have ever got over it. Having the person whose example you want to follow think so badly if you is incredibly undermining for your self confidence.

I don't think you should stay with anyone who treats your daughter like this.

Also glad to read your update speccy.

It's tough living with someone like this. I think your dd is showing signs of anxiety in her misbehaviour - my dd did too and that was also related to issues with her and her dad. The explosive child really helped to solve them but you need to remove the source first. If he is consistently like this then I think you need to give some real thought to removing him from her home.

I woke DD this morning and I have told her on no uncertain terms that it is wrong of her Dad to call her names

Okay, but what happens next time? Have you asked him to stop doing it?

Sending and

Can I suggest that, as well as your dd's being bullied by this man, that you've been worn down more than a little too?

What did he say when you said that to him this morning? Was he even slightly repentant?

I've asked him to think about what he says to our children and I told him that he must accept responsibility for DD's actions. I was firm and told him also that he has taught our DC that it's pointless apologising because he still ignores them for days. He truly acts like the injured party.

I will admit at this point that it's been a hard marriage. Things must change for their sake. I am very glad I posted here - it was the shove I needed.

He has not apologised said that it was wrong to name call and has vowed to not do it again.

I am watching.